Hi Zero,
I'm really sorry for all the struggles you've been having.
When I was about 13, there was a local news story about a 9-year-old boy who hung himself with a pair of shoelaces. I remember thinking, "How could God allow the world to be such a terrible place in which a boy that young would even consider such a thing?"
So I definitely understand what it's like to have the kinds of questions you're asking. I also think about things such as our war veterans who see their best friends die in the most horrible ways, but then are somehow expected to come home and get normal jobs and raise families and live regular lives as if nothing happened. There were many things I wanted to say here, but several other posters have already said them, and probably in a better way than I would have phrased it.
Have you ever heard of the Christian author, Philip Yancey? His books almost read like journals in which he documents his own struggles with these same kinds of questions.
His writings are honest and heartfelt. Two of his books that helped me dramatically are, "Where is God When It Hurts?" and "Disappointment with God." He even writes about the fact that his publishers wanted him to change the title of his book to "Overcoming Disappointment with God" because it sounded more "Christian-like", but he stood by his original title because he is honest about the fact that he didn't completely conquer his own disappointment.
If you can't find these books or can't get access to them, feel free to let me know and I'll send you my copies.
I will be praying that God will answer your yearning heart.
Don't give up, Gabe.
Keep asking, seeking, knocking. <3