Does Anyone Else Feel Intimidated by the "I Only Date to Marry" Philosophy?

Hey Everyone,

I have been thinking about this question for some time and would like to ask our panel of CC Single experts (as well as our married friends.) I hear many Christians say, "I only date to marry!" which of course, I think this is wonderful (certainly as opposed to something like, "I only date to play around and hurt people's feelings!"), but I would like to ask, HOW, exactly, does this work?

I spent several years on Christian dating sites and one of the reasons why I gave up is because I would often find two different extremes--the people who were "getting to know".... you... and 50 other people at once, or the people who asked for your phone number right away because they wanted to talk for an entire weekend and basically figure out if you were a compatible marriage partner within a day or two. (I had friends who would give out their numbers right away--and then wind up having to change them multiple times because of stalkers, so I don't give mine out very easily.)

When I ask, "How Does the 'I Only Date to Marry' Approach Work?", what I mean is that I always feel like a guy with that philosophy (bless his heart, because I know it's sincere) is scrutinizing absolutely everything about me, from my pictures--or looks, in real life--to how I've written my profile to projecting things he doesn't even know about me, but assumes I would check the boxes of what he wants, all because he's trying to figure out if, and how soon, we could get married!

Is it just me, or is anyone else intimidated by this?

Personally, I don't like meeting someone under that kind of intense expectation, because right off the bat, before they even really know anything about you, if they're thinking about marriage, they are having thoughts about you like this:

* Could I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? (How would you know if you've only known someone for 3 days, or even long-term, but just online?)

* Would this person be a good parent to my children, or the children we would be having together?

And, because we are all adults here, this brings us to another obvious but ultra-intimidating thought--the fact that a total stranger is looking at you and thinking:

* Would this person be sexually compatible with me, and would I want to make a lifetime commitment to them in order to find out?

Maybe it's just my personality, but I don't like pressure, time limits, or expectations that fly so high off the rails that I feel like I'm being wrung through an intensive job panel and not a safe, relaxed atmosphere where two people can feel comfortable taking their time to get to know one another.

And so, I would like to ask all of you:

* Do you follow (or did you, if you're married) the I Only Date to Marry philosophy? Does that mean you would only talk to people you thought would be a possible marriage candidate? And how would you know if they might be one if you don't even know them to begin with?

* Would you only ask someone out on a date (to meet you in person for a meal or movie, etc.) if you thought you were going to get married? Again, how would you know? By talking to them extensively first, and then asking them out on a date, but only if you were sure that they might be a possible marriage partner?

* If you don't follow the Only Dating to Marry philosophy, what is your approach to dating?

Please note that I am NOT AT ALL bashing anyone who follows (or followed) a Dating to Marry guideline--maybe I'm just confused as to how it works, because my experience was that guys wanted to figure out RIGHT AWAY (as in, within a few days of meeting) if, and how soon, we could get married.

And that intimidated the heck out of me because:

* There are things I wouldn't tell someone about myself until I'd known them for a long time (6 months to a year? Not as a rule but just a general thought--it all depends on how things went and what the comfort levels were.

* What if you have things about not only yourself, but your situation, life, or family that you wouldn't tell someone until a long history of trust was built, because it might be hard for some people to understand or accept? For instance--just as general examples, not my own--but what if you have a parent who is a raging alcoholic who isn't in their right mind most of the time, or a relative with schizophrenia that you are helping to look after? What if you have a history of abuse that's difficult enough to discuss with a counselor, let alone a complete stranger?

Personally, I wouldn't be spilling all of this after just a few exchanges, but maybe that's me.

What is your personal dating philosophy, and how has it worked out for you?

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, what you've found that has or hasn't worked for you, and how it will affect your approach to dating in the future. Thanks for sharing!

I was a teenager when that whole courtship approach started really taking off. A lot of girls I knew at the time didn’t want tomdate until they were ready to get married. They wanted to hang out in groups and that sort od thing that didn’t really suit my personality well instead.

It made more sense that daring is intended for that phase of getting to know someone ro see if there is anything there that might lead to marriage. Or just to hang out to see if you get along at all one on one.

I’m guessing that is a lot of why people struggle finding someone. It adds a lot of pressure whne asking someone out if you are worried if you are supposed ro be selecting someone to potentially marry when you have no real idea about them, or I imagine when accepting, which leads to a lot of “let’s just be friends”.

Outside the church there feels like a lot less pressure about dating. You can just see where things go.

Ugh missed the edit window. So many typos when I use my ipad. Lol

Well! Let me stick my neck in the ring.

Errr... toe.

When I was looking (including online dating sites), I did follow that approach. However, it was not as you presented it. At the risk of being judged, this was my approach...

I wouldn't date a follower of another religion. As a Christian, I see no point to getting involved with someone who doesn't share my faith. And dang... there are some gorgeous women out there. Oh well.

I wouldn't date a Catholic, basically for the same reason as above. It's surprising how many single Catholic ladies there are in my age range.

I wouldn't date someone who said they were Christian but didn't live like it. One gal didn't want to marry again, but was looking for a long-term relationship... complete with "benefits". Another claimed to be Christian until I explained the gospel to her (sensing that she didn't understand it). She said she couldn't believe in a God who was exclusive. Nice gals... but not marriage material at all.

I wouldn't date someone who was outside my age range. There were a few profiles that looked very interesting... until I checked their ages.

If I didn't find a woman physically attractive from whatever pics she provided, I saw no point in developing a relationship with her. I wouldn't marry someone to whom I was not attracted. Appearance is not the only thing that matters, but it does matter. I could say more here....

I would not date anyone who reminded me of the ex... in appearance or character. Just... no.


I can understand that people don't want to be "swiped left" just on the basis of a picture (or on any other surficial characteristic). I feel the same way... but I also know that I'm picky and need to accept that others are also. What I don't understand is when people's motivations are criticized. So what if the other person swipes left? It means that person isn't for you! It really is that simple. The reasons don't matter. Better to be alone and comfortable with who you are than together with someone who isn't.

I haven’t really thought about that philosophy, and have never applied it. Mind you, I’ve never really dated much lol.

I will say though, as old as I am, I am taking into consideration whether a guy I meet in the future is potentially marriage material - this is purely so that I’m not wasting his or my time. There are a few things (maybe 1 or 2) that he would need to check first before anything will happen like, with what Dino said - sharing the same Christian faith.

I also would like to be trusting in God with this area because I’ve struggled with it for awhile like many of you, but I would like to believe that both the intentions of his and mine should be of the same and that God places in our hearts the feeling of Christ’s love and peace when we are dating

I'd wager to say not everyone who follows that philosophy approaches it the same way.
Some may very well try to judge things quickly and do all you state. But that doesn't mean it's the only way.
I am person that falls into this philosophy but I don't scrutinize everyone. I wait till I know a bit about them before first. And then wait to see if we share a natural connection and attraction. Then I go from there.
But then I start out looking for things I couldn't handle, anything really standout as a negative in my view and keep building up from there.
I have had women approach with a clear desire to marry (not me specifically, just to get married) and push things to move insanely fast.
It's a turn off. Just as someone determining my worth as a spouse in a short time is a turn off.
If you go slow you'll drive away all the ones in a hurry because they won't want to take the time to mess with you.
So don't be intimidated. Just let those flakes fall and move on.

To me, "I only date to marry" implies that the person will only date someone who already fulfills their list of things they want in a spouse. That is setting the bar very high because what are the chances that they themselves fulfill the other person's list?

Dating sites are very tough . So many variables. Intimidated by Date to Marry? No.!...Going out on such dates I believe have practically zero chance of success. Job interviews are not fun.

My conclusion is no fun, no chemistry. Same issue with meet and greet at coffee shops. Boring interview process. Coffee shop dating is more for serial daters

I usually have fun chit chatting over dinner. Paying for fairly expensive dinner dates just to speak with internet strangers in person does bother me.
Doing fun things does make the date better. Ive had fun blind dates at a gym. (her choosing) Hike, and a Car show before..

The very first day I got on a online dating site. Was surprised of the amount of dishonesty and anger from the women. Then learned of all of the liars ,cheaters, players, and scammers that the women have to deal with from the men.

Unfortunately In the beginning of my online dating experience n 2010. I fell for a church girl. She turned out to be the biggest nightmare of my life.
I've had fun with lots of talking and texting with women on dating sites. But have chosen to go out on very few dates for fear of wasting my time.

Im happy with my life as it is. Its like im the cake without the icing. The icing (woman) would be very good to have. My tolerance to search one out online is in short supply. Thinking of making myself more available in the real world. However one does that. lol

seoulsearch: All the qualms you have about "I only date to marry" are exactly what concern me about "I'm looking for somebody to date and eventually marry." ESPECIALLY the part about feeling like you're at a job interview. I don't want to go out and try to meet a woman who is trying to meet a guy, because I don't want to feel like we are evaluating each other for how well we will fit each others needs. Marriage isn't supposed to be like being hired for a job, where each participant pays the other by meeting the other's needs.

But even if people claim they are just going out on a date for fun, I think there is always that undercurrent of expectation and evaluation. On the other hand my knowledge of such is limited, so I could be wrong.

Well up to this point I don't date / haven't dated. But I would say that I'd only date with marriage in mind. What I mean by that is not that I'm hoping to hurry up and lock in a deal or know the answer to would I marry this person before going on a date, but that my goal in dating someone is to get to know them (and run my ridiculously extensive internal analysis) well enough to decide the question of is this someone I want to be stuck with / to for the rest of my life. It means that I'm not going to even let things get started with someone who has an obvious irreconcilable difference with me ( different religion, anti rules and structure, thinks we should be sleeping together by the third date, wants any sort of open relationship crap, etc). And I'm not going to date someone who wants just a girlfriend but not a marriage. But to avoid the ultra exclusivity that stops things before they get started, I'm also learning to see a distinction between going on a date with someone and dating someone. That kind of frees you up to say yes to a date with an acquaintance without an obligation for anything further.

Hi seoulsearch - I'm glad to see another one of your very provocative posts and inquiries...

YES - I can absolutely see how the notion of a 'dating for marriage mental model' could be intimidating, daunting and leading to a pressure cooker type of an atmosphere...
I have two perspectives on this topic: (I) my dating approach (mid-20s) prior to marrying and II) my anticipated dating approach (mid-50s) following the breakup of that failed marriage (27 years later)...

(I) During my mid-20's: I was a very self-confident young man, and I believed that if I worked hard thru my college education, kept my faith and lived an honorable lifestyle that our lord would reward me with my soulmate/life partner...
Keep in mind, that was before social media and the average dating relationship that didn't advance typically only took about 2 months for people to learn if their compatibility & chemistry was worth the long term investment...

So Yes, at the time - I chose to be very selective and very picky - thinking that I knew my own value/worth and that I was hoping to be able to optimize may choice and not settle for anything less that I believed I deserved...

- Around 1988 I even joined a 'brick-n-mortar' Dating Program - where you filled out a profile and placed a couple photos to put into their onsite (not online) computer system and made a VHS video recording - you'd get a notice in the mail that someone was interested in your profile and you'd have to go into their facility to check out their video and profile...
- So Yes, time was a bit of a similar constraint for decision making (pressure) to determine if any of these opportunities might be 'the one.' I confess, that during that time the average duration for dating someone usually only lasted a few weeks to a couple months and I was typically the one deciding to move on...

In-hind sight - it turns out that I wasn't as good a judge of character and my own selective reasoning and decision making as I had thought...

(II) Now entering my mid-50s: I am a bit intimidated, but now with eyes wide open and a renewed perspective my fears are now doubled... 1 - I now have some anxiety regarding my ability to trust my own instincts knowing my personal vulnerabilities and weaknesses (for being vulnerable to deception via attractive master deceivers) ; 2 - I now have an appreciation for wondering and 2nd guessing my value (older) - questioning if 'I am even genuinely' deserving of the type of woman whom my heart desires.

So Yes, time remains an unfortunate contributing factor - as my body clock is telling me that time is precious and I can not afford to waste too much time; but my mind knows that I owe it to myself to take my time and allow the lord's hand to play out... I think my anticipated struggle will be to convince myself to get out of my own way and trust in the lord...

The most 'intimidating' aspect of the reality of the situation is that in order for someone to really get to know me and who I am and what I stand for would certainly take time for them to appreciate the person and the soul I have. Now with eyes wide open, I recognize that I owe it to her and to myself to take the time to get to know and appreciate her as well...

With age comes experience and knowledge - I now know that a beautiful soul is so much more important than a beautiful face, and so much harder to find...

So YES, it remains intimidating and it simply takes TIME and that is the most intimidating contributing factor for our decision making predicament...

AND at this age I am receptive to take off some of the pressure with 'marriage' if that would help her as well and would consider a 'life-partner'... but suspect that if she is willing and she is the 'life-partner' that I would be inclined to marrying again... I just need time...

thanks again for your provocative post and inquiry...

God Bless

Hi Cinder, so I have to ask are you willing to elaborate/share some of ideas regarding "(and run my ridiculously extensive internal analysis) well enough to decide the question of is this someone I want to be stuck with / to for the rest of my life?"
I am curious, because I'm considering my own pseudo data-analytic metric methods that might help me with some better selection criteria or decision making of my own...

One of the problems is that many people note themselves as Christian, however, as you probably know, this doesn't always translate into a real and practicing Christian. In fact, often it does not. Be careful out there!

With respect to the physically attractive requirement - yes, there is some truth to this, however, try to be more open than not. Don't be surprised when a woman's physical attractiveness seems to skyrocket for you when she shows you her awesome, warm and godly personality.

Well thoughts that have come up maybe as purely hypothetical or maybe having some very brief inspiration in reality:

He and I are pretty far apart denominationally, could I be happy going to his type of church, could he be happy going to mine, how would I feel about the two of us going to different churches?

Who's going to move if we get together? Do I think I really can pack up and start over in a new city? If he moved here what are things he might like that I know he could get invovled with?

If _________ happens, what is he likely to do and what can I rely on him for?

This behavior / quirk is something I'd prefer he were without, am I willing to live with it? Would it be right for me to ask him to try to change it?

How does he react to stress; how do I? Will we be helping or exacerbating each other's stress when the hard times hit?

He's at pretty high risk for health problems, is that something I'm willing to sign up for?

I tend to overthink things and while some of these are questions that absolutely would and should be discussed as a relationship got more serious, you can bet I'm going to be considering them all well before that discussion, if only so I can be clear on where I stand and what I am and am not willing to be / capable of living with.

Those all seem very reasonable and rationale types of things that certaining need to be considered...
I suspect that some of them actually warrant some critical hypothetical if not over-thinking... for example, you can certainly inquire about the hypothetical 'what if this happens, what would he do...' He could certainly give you an answer maybe the one you want to hear (maybe not). But something that I've learned in stressful situations from my military experience - sometimes the people who actually step-up their game under pressure may surprise you, while others will equally surprise you - only in a disappointing way...

Interestingly, I find my more seasoned (mid-50s) answer to some of these hypotheticals as being more flexible than my younger (mid-20s) responses would have been...

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. This is all very pragmatic, and doesn’t strike me as overthinking at all.

First off lets explain men( THIS IS A GENERALIZATION SO YOU DUDES THAT AREN'T LIKE THIS GO AWAY). Well men are not like women, I'll get kinda graphic ig, most women we talk to we have an interest in. There are 2 categories as far as I'm concerned: 1.wifeyyyy or 2. Family. If you don't fit into those I'm proly not going to talk to engage in conversation with you. This is one of the main reasons why guys don't like their girlfriends/wives having guy friends, it because we don't talk to girls we aren't interested in, soo he likes you unless he's family, period. Family can be by blood or by adoption, for example I've adopted my sister's girlfriend, i consider her family because I love her like a sister. If you're not in that category and you're around my age and stuff I'm not going to regularly talk to you for two reasons: 1. I don't have an interest in you, interest as in i like you or think you're fun to be with a.k.a. family; and 2. I don't want you to end up liking me cuz that never ends well. If i want to chill with someone either 1.my bro, 2. Family or 3. A girl I like pops into my head. NEVER EVER EVERRRRR will some random girl i talked to at church come to mind unless i had some kind of romantic interest in her and even then that's a stretch unless we just had like the best time ever lol. I don't dislike that person, i just don't really care to be around them...that sounds mean but it's true. If I'm bored and I think " oh it would be nice if Ada was here with me right now" I'm not thinking about her as a friend she's potential bae. If i text you first and i genuinely want to know more about you I LIKE YOU. I don't want to text random girls.....i don't, why WHY? If you have a "frand" and your a girl and he's a dude, and he sends you text out of nowhere, and you aren't basically family to him, HE LIKES YOU, he might not loveeee you but he at least is interested, otherwise he'll do something else. This is important because most of the time if guys make an effort to talk to you they probably already answered some of those questions. A date should be like putting a nail in the coffin, I should've already decided if you're wifey or not by then because 1. Dating is a risk, I'm not going to ask some girl i barely know, under normal circumstances, to go eat somewhere cuz if i don't enjoy it i don't wanna pay for your food, i don't want to talk, and i don't want to say no to second date cuz that's mean, but i don't wanna say yes either. 2. I don't want other girls to think i like you 3. I don't want to risk purity and fight temptation for someone i don't see myself marrying, guys can lust after a girl they don't like, or at least fall into sexual sin of some sort. By date time you should already want to marry said person, maybe you can change your mind during the date, possibly, but for me I'd rather have a good idea of who you are and my feelings first. If things go according to plan on the date i learn more about the girl and build some intimacy, as in: i learn something about you that you don't just tell to anyone. Guys usually ask women about marriage quickly for 2 reasons 1. We choose seemingly quickly, and 2. Christian guys can be awkward....they just can. A normal guy can date a girl and never ask about marriage because he's going to like her, he'll get in her pants quickly, and if he likes her he'll move in or vice versa whatever, there's very little waiting involved. Christian guys don't do that we want one girl, we want a wife, we want a friend, we want....other things too; we have been waiting, we haven't thought about women, we haven't kissed anyone for a longgg time, if ever, and then wifey just shows up. I don't wanna wait anymore lol I like her and i know everything i need to know, I've prayed and Jesus was setting up a screen so i could get the dunk, people don't dunk by walking and slowly putting the ball in the net. We're excited and anxious to a certain extent, we want wifey now and we definitely don't want other guys to take wifey. Our mind is most likely made up by the first, if not the second date, which seems fast, but for us we already starting asking questions a long time ago. Not only that but, like I said, dating is a risk. I don't want to date you 15 times after i already made you wifey, cuz now, especially since I'm a Christian, you're even more attractive then you were before, and the more i know the more attractive you'll get. I can only handle so much, the strongest man in the Bible, the wisest man, and the most godly man in the bible all fell into sexual sin I'm not that dope. I've been fighting temptation FOREVER then wifey comes and makes it harder to fight, then we go on a date and it's continually getting harder not to commit sin, do you understand how hard that is? It's like you've been walking through a desert and you find an oasis but you can't drink from it for like 8 years, like bruh I'm thirsty though. That doesn't mean its all physical, like i said men hang out with wifey cuz wifey is like the only female that he likes to be around that isn't family. if i go work out i want you there, if i go walk my dog i want you there, if i had one last hour of my life i want to spend it with you, no other person should even come to mind. I want to grow in godlyness with you, it's not just like we see meat it's more, much more then that BUT because you mean that much to us temptation is powering up like, it's power level is over 9000, even sex at that point is like pointless without you, and Lord knows i don't want to sin and i don't want to defile wifey, wifey is like the best person ever i don't want to ruin her relationship with God but it ain't easy. Then on top of all of that a lot of Christian guys haven't dated tons of girls cuz they aren't thots so they don't really understand time spans and stuff. It's like guys reply to text immediately the first time they get a girl, but after knowing how girls work you gotta give it a couple minutes lol. The christian guy never got the first part, he could be new to this so he will be kinda awkward. Please don't do anything crazy if they are weird/awkward, girl wounds cut deeeeep the poor guy will never be the same. Sorry it's long, and there's some dude that's gonna be like " I'm friends with tons of women" or "you're obviously just a thot" something like that and to you sir.....you're a liar, or you're probably the exception either way you need to chill, or stop lying, and write a super long post on how you're so much better then me and my opinion cuz that's what i expect . Maybe I'll learn something ok bye this took forever.

Many thanks to everyone who has put in so much time and effort in writing--I really appreciate it and certainly hope the discussion will continue.

The input here has really helped me see "Only Dating to Marry" in a different light.

Dino, thank you for taking the time to explain how you use this as a guideline for filtering out whom you like to know better rather than some kind of set-in-stone "WE HAVE TO DECIDE IF WE'RE COMPATIBLE FOR MARRIAGE IN 2 DAYS OR LESS" ultimatum.

I personally feel that dating should be fun, comfortable, and relaxed, so being evaluated as a possible "wifey" right out of the gate would make me so nervous that I would probably be likely to cancel

Would I also be wrong in admitting that it's also nice to know I'm not the only one who felt such a philosophy was too much pressure (to me, at least)?

Please, keep on voicing your opinions about this subject.

I've learned a lot from the posters here am always open to learning more from you.

You know a waifu is always an option in case we dont find anyone

Nooooo don't say that fam. That's why Japan is struggling