What to do if your partner does not seek marriage

I am in a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend whom I love dearly. I guess we kind of brushed of the topic of marriage until now that I felt the need to talk about it. I view marriage as a sacred union of two people to love each other the way God loves us. It’s hard because it seems that I cannot open up this topic to him because he gets defensive and does not want to talk about it. Please enlighten me on what people think about marriage and how I should go forward on this. Sorry for the vague post but I can give more detail if any. Thanks and God bless!

Hey Ajc2020! I think that after five years ya'll should be comfortable enough to talk about anything. If the communication isn't there then that is a red flag in itself.
Tell him that you really need to talk about this topic of marriage because it's very important to you. Also, remember that unmarried folks shouldn't be participating in intimacy. If you are doing this...stop it. If you are not, then good for you. The reason I say to stop is because maybe if you are doing that, he doesn't feel the need to get married. Some men can be like that. I work with a guy who has been with the same girl for eight years but he won't marry her. They live together but he just doesn't feel the need to propose. It's really sad. I hope you are not being taken advantage of like that.

If I were you, I would have left years ago. I think after two years and no proposal...I would move on. Please pray about this and ask God to take him away if he isn't the one for you. I do that every time I even get a slight crush on someone. Has worked so far.

it's never easy giving up or surrendering what you desire (especially if you really really desire)

Oh yes, I know how hard it can be. I was extremely infatuated with a young man at my church once. But he had a girlfriend and I felt terrible for liking him while he was with another woman. I was even told by a friend that I should pray they break up. I did not want to do that because if the tables were turned, I wouldn't want another woman praying for that.

So I prayed and prayed and then prayed some more. I prayed for God's will in my life and in the guy's life. I finally got over him. Took years though. But my relationship with God got better through that situation. Maybe God used that crush/infatuation with that young man to strengthen my reliance on him. I'd like to think so.

Mermaid, I remember one time I posted something out of a lapse of judgment, and you were embarassed by it, it was months ago, I hope it's all forgiven, if you remembered what it is

I agree with Mermaid.

One of the cornerstones of marriage is good communication. Your bf is closing off communication when it is needed. Even disregarding something you feel is important and showing no concern for, or interest in, how you feel.
People get defensive and mad because there's a deeper issue than they're not sharing. Guilt or fear are the most common.
But I have to say, if after five years he refuses to even discuss it, and is obviously hiding something, then you need to ask yourself if this is a setup you'll be happy with in ten years, or if you'll feel you've wasted fifteen years.

I spent more than five years in a relationship that eventually became clear wouldn't lead to marriage and I feel like a huge portion of my life was wasted on a dead end. It's one of my biggest regrets.

Some people may suggest giving an ultimatum but don't listen to that nonsense. Even if they do marry they won't be doing so out of a genuine desire and it will reflect in the marriage. They may even grow to resent you for pressuring them.

Perhaps give yourself a time frame. Maybe if he still refuses to discuss it in three months it may be time to end it.
And if he does discuss it, if things don't progress on his end, then consider again. You don't want another five years being engaged.

And don't badger him with the topic. If he doesn't want to discuss it throwing it at him over and over will not change that and could even cause him to close off even further. Especially with his defensive traits.

But, ultimately, it all comes down to your choice. But, personally, I would hate to waste that much time on a dead end, or something that seems a dead end. If you want marriage and don't see it happening here then staying is fruitless.
Not to mention its unhealthy to jump quickly into new relationships so you'll need time to heal.

I don't remember what it was...but it's all good.

Age may make a big difference here, and as I'm noticing the 2020 in your username I'm wondering if that is a graduation year or something. So if you're facing all the uncertainty of graduating and moving into college / the real world, I wonder if the better way to approach this topic would be along the lines of are you / how are you going to stay together through all the changes (especially if both of you pursuing your wants adds physical distance between you like different schools or jobs in different towns).

If you're already past all that and into a fairly stable and settled adult life, then it looks like the bottom line is you want marriage (you might ask yourself why if you've been content without it the past 5 years (affirm his love, security, because that's what people do and it's your next milestone in becoming an adult, etc)) and he's not so keen on the idea. Eventually sounds like you may have to wrestle with the question of whether you'd rather have him or have a chance at marriage. And I too would question the health of this relationship if you can't eventually discuss the important life things together.

Welcome to CC! Your post sets out enough info to promote speculation, but not enough to garner sound, relevant advice.

I fully concur with her as well. Seems like the guy wants all of the comfort of having a loving woman in his life but does not want to commit to a lifelong marriage with it's many ups and downs. Yes, this couple definitely needs to discuss this and then do something about it one way or another.

I think this is a good ideal to live by as a woman who loves the Lord:

"But ladies... don't settle for a boy. Wait for a man who treats you like an investment, not a test drive. A man who looks beyond your outer beauty and falls in love with your inner soul. But most of all, a man who doesn't expect anything until he's given you everything. No man is perfect. But honor, integrity, respect, and the love of God are not optional for men, they are essential."

Just to maintain parity here, honor, integrity, respect, and the love of God aren't optional for women either. But I like that part about investment not test drive, never heard it before but it counters well the often expressed attitude of "you wouldn't buy a car without a test drive, would you?" that so many use as an excuse for having sex before establishing a firm commitment.

Hi AJC, welcome to CC, I pray that you find the peace and resolution that your heart seeks. The fact that you have even joined and reached out for consultation is an indication of your senses picking up upon something that is genuinely concerning to you.
You are correct, limited information to go on will likely result in limited options for your consideration.

It might be informative to know if either of you have been married before, or heartbroken from a previous long term relationship,or if either of you comes from a broken home... Is he christian? is he faithful, does he contribute to the relationship equally? How old are the two of you? Does he give you the impression that he wants to stay in a long-term relationship, just without the legal documentation?

If he is an otherwise decent person who happens to have trust issues or commitment issues or if he is somehow wounded or broken - I am of the mind that humans should be treated humanely and not arbitrarily discarded as if they are mere objects.

5 years is a large investment of both of your time - I believe that you both owe it to yourselves to at least look under the hood and conduct a diagnostic examination to explore the possibilities for potential remedy, healing or resolution.

If you are christian AND he is interested in a long-term life-partner relationship - maybe you can convince him to accompany you to attend couples counseling - as a means to strengthen the bond of your partnership (if that is the way he currently sees it)?
If he is unable to verbally commit to you that he is interested in a long-term life-partner relationship - than that is a sign confirming your suspicion that your 5 year investment may not pan out the way your heart had hoped...
If he is not interested in committing to strengthening the current bond, partnership and relationship - than you may have obtained the confirmation that your heart seeks...

This may be the lord's way of blessing your soul with the sense and recognition that this gentlemen's soul might not be the one that will fulfill your heart and soul the way our lord has intended...

Good Luck, and God Bless

my first boyfriend and i dated for almost 5 years. we met in college. we both agreed to wait until we both graduated from college before getting married. i graduated before he did. he said to me that 2-3 yrs after he graduated, we would get engaged. i thought that to be fair. when that 2nd year rolled around, i asked about our plans. he said he wasn't sure when we would get engaged. he couldn't give me an estimate. we broke up later that year. i felt ripped off. i was angry we were together for so long. i felt time was wasted.

aj, do you know the reason why your boyfriend gets so defensive about the topic? may i ask how old you 2 are?

@melita916, I think you overdosed on the fountain of youth

My advice would be: do not make marriage to look like it has to be some deeeply mysterious sacred unity and that the two people must love each other as God loves us. Think about marriage in a more practical and simple way.

And maybe, maybe, your partner will not be so scared of it and so defensive ;-) Make it clear, that the marriage is for the whole life and that basic biblical principles must apply, however.

Yeah, about that... I always though the "test drive" was dating and talking about yourself, each other, life, plans for the future and all that.

I guess it depends on the objective, the reason for being married. If it is for a companion the test drive would involve talking. If it is for sex the test drive would involve sex.

That could be used as a good litmus test to figure out which guys a lady should avoid dating. If his "test drive" is sex, the marriage will probably only last until age and gravity kick in.

Keep expressing opinions like that and you might suddenly find yourself the most eligible bachelor on CC singles

Thanks for the warning. I'll hush now.

*Lynx activates his cloaking device and shimmers out of view.