Sabotaging Relationships

But I dated them anyways...because I don't want to be alone.

This is the part I don't understand:

This is something I have seen a lot, and I mean a LOT! People try to find people to date, people put up with people's faults and shortcomings, people complain a lot about their boyfriends and girlfriends, but they keep at it because "Well it's better than being alone." Really? All this crap is better than being alone? What is so terrible about being alone that people will do anything to avoid it?

And therein lies the problem. People are not running TO other people. People are running AWAY from being alone. This is an important distinction and the root of a lot of failures so I'm going to use a computer analogy here to explain it.

Here lately a lot of people have been switching from Windows to Linux for computer operating systems. The problem is they are not trying to get Linux because they like the idea of Linux. They are just trying to find something besides Windows. They don't like the viruses, the updates you can't turn off, how Windows reports what you do on the computer to other people... so they are trying to find something else, anything else that will work. But they are not running TO Linux, they are running AWAY from Windows.

So what do they do when they get Linux installed on their computers? They start complaining. Linux should look like this, Linux should play these video games, Linux should use this Windows-only program... Linux has programs that work, but they don't look quite right, we are used to programs working like THIS... Because in their hearts what they really want is Windows without all the faults of Windows. They don't really want Linux.

And that is why I think a lot of matches don't work. People aren't trying to find a date for the sake of finding somebody. They are just trying to do something, ANYTHING, to avoid being alone. They aren't running TO a date, they are running AWAY from loneliness.

Personally I don't see what people think is so bad about themselves that they can't stand to be alone with themselves.

C'mon Lynx.

If people didn't put up with someone's faults, rather be alone, humans would be extinct.

There is a specific man that I want to marry. He is a Christian, he is sweet, tall, friendly, always nice, decent looking, and makes me feel good about myself. He works hard, is masculine, but also gets in touch with his emotions especially around me! I'm sure we each have a specific man or woman we want in our minds, right?

The boys I have liked or dated before were missing some of these traits. Maybe they weren't as tall as I would have hoped for. Maybe they weren't that nice. But I dated them anyways...because I don't want to be alone. However, when it was over...I was always relieved (sometimes I was sad...but relieved too). I usually felt great when it was over and it has never taken me more than a week to get over someone.

Whenever a past relationship breaks, I get this almost euphoric feeling that I can do or be anything I want to be without any man holding me back. A lot of the time, those guys just wanted me to fit into their box of a specific woman they had in mind. When the breakup happens...I usually feel happy because it is a chance to find the specific man that I want. It just makes me feel good that I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't fit my idea of what I'm looking for.

But lately, I wonder if maybe I was the one sabotaging those relationships because my heart really wasn't in it. For example, my first boyfriend was a guy I knew online and although he was super sweet...he wasn't a Christian and I wasn't attracted to him either. So I said things that I wasn't sorry for and we eventually called it quits. Did I say these things because I wasn't into him? I think so.

Another example would be a guy I dated years ago...we'll call him James. James was tall and attractive...but he was mean and lived dangerously. He was not what I had in mind either. So when he expected me to apologize for petty things...I told him no. He broke up with me that day and I was relieved.

And this has happened with many boys that I sometimes feel like I would like to get to know better. However, deep down inside, I know they are not what I'm looking for. If I married one of them...I would be settling.

So a couple of things to point out...

I think a lot of people have a specific person they are looking for. It's almost like a box and if you don't fit into the box...my theory is that usually one or both parties will sabotage the relationship so that they could leave and eventually find the one that does fit into the box.

The problem is that no one fits into the box because usually our expectations exceed reality.

What I'm saying is that I'm not upset or hurt that I've been broken up with in the past...because those guys didn't fit my box anyways. I'm just wondering if anyone does...

What are your thoughts? Do you have a box? Have you ever met someone that fits into your box? Or if there is anything you might like to add to this discussion, I'd be very curious to hear it.

Also, I realize that I might sound like someone who is expecting too much from a man...and maybe I am. But at least I'm being honest. It's not that I wouldn't give, for example, a short man a chance...it's just that if he is missing many of the things that I am looking for then I would feel like I'm settling. Does that make sense? I hope it does...and I hope ya'll don't think I'm picky or stuck up. That's not what I'm saying here at all. Just trying to be real.

There is a specific man that I want to marry. He is a Christian, he is sweet, tall, friendly, always nice, decent looking, and makes me feel good about myself. He works hard, is masculine, but also gets in touch with his emotions especially around me! I'm sure we each have a specific man or woman we want in our minds, right?

The boys I have liked or dated before were missing some of these traits. Maybe they weren't as tall as I would have hoped for. Maybe they weren't that nice. But I dated them anyways...because I don't want to be alone. However, when it was over...I was always relieved (sometimes I was sad...but relieved too). I usually felt great when it was over and it has never taken me more than a week to get over someone.
Whenever a past relationship breaks, I get this almost euphoric feeling that I can do or be anything I want to be without any man holding me back. A lot of the time, those guys just wanted me to fit into their box of a specific woman they had in mind. When the breakup happens...I usually feel happy because it is a chance to find the specific man that I want. It just makes me feel good that I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't fit my idea of what I'm looking for.
But lately, I wonder if maybe I was the one sabotaging those relationships because my heart really wasn't in it. For example, my first boyfriend was a guy I knew online and although he was super sweet...he wasn't a Christian and I wasn't attracted to him either. So I said things that I wasn't sorry for and we eventually called it quits. Did I say these things because I wasn't into him? I think so.
Another example would be a guy I dated years ago...we'll call him James. James was tall and attractive...but he was mean and lived dangerously. He was not what I had in mind either. So when he expected me to apologize for petty things...I told him no. He broke up with me that day and I was relieved.
And this has happened with many boys that I sometimes feel like I would like to get to know better. However, deep down inside, I know they are not what I'm looking for. If I married one of them...I would be settling.
So a couple of things to point out...
I think a lot of people have a specific person they are looking for. It's almost like a box and if you don't fit into the box...my theory is that usually one or both parties will sabotage the relationship so that they could leave and eventually find the one that does fit into the box.
The problem is that no one fits into the box because usually our expectations exceed reality.
What I'm saying is that I'm not upset or hurt that I've been broken up with in the past...because those guys didn't fit my box anyways. I'm just wondering if anyone does...
What are your thoughts? Do you have a box? Have you ever met someone that fits into your box? Or if there is anything you might like to add to this discussion, I'd be very curious to hear it.
Also, I realize that I might sound like someone who is expecting too much from a man...and maybe I am. But at least I'm being honest. It's not that I wouldn't give, for example, a short man a chance...it's just that if he is missing many of the things that I am looking for then I would feel like I'm settling. Does that make sense? I hope it does...and I hope ya'll don't think I'm picky or stuck up. That's not what I'm saying here at all. Just trying to be real.

Forming a relationship with a person because you like that person, this I can see.

Desperately searching for a person, any person, sifting through a whole crap load of possible matches, putting up with a lot of junk you really don't want... Just to be avoid being alone? This I cannot see.

There is a specific man that I want to marry. He is a Christian, he is sweet, tall, friendly, always nice, decent looking, and makes me feel good about myself. He works hard, is masculine, but also gets in touch with his emotions especially around me! I'm sure we each have a specific man or woman we want in our minds, right?

The boys I have liked or dated before were missing some of these traits. Maybe they weren't as tall as I would have hoped for. Maybe they weren't that nice. But I dated them anyways...because I don't want to be alone. However, when it was over...I was always relieved (sometimes I was sad...but relieved too). I usually felt great when it was over and it has never taken me more than a week to get over someone.

Whenever a past relationship breaks, I get this almost euphoric feeling that I can do or be anything I want to be without any man holding me back. A lot of the time, those guys just wanted me to fit into their box of a specific woman they had in mind. When the breakup happens...I usually feel happy because it is a chance to find the specific man that I want. It just makes me feel good that I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't fit my idea of what I'm looking for.

But lately, I wonder if maybe I was the one sabotaging those relationships because my heart really wasn't in it. For example, my first boyfriend was a guy I knew online and although he was super sweet...he wasn't a Christian and I wasn't attracted to him either. So I said things that I wasn't sorry for and we eventually called it quits. Did I say these things because I wasn't into him? I think so.

Another example would be a guy I dated years ago...we'll call him James. James was tall and attractive...but he was mean and lived dangerously. He was not what I had in mind either. So when he expected me to apologize for petty things...I told him no. He broke up with me that day and I was relieved.

And this has happened with many boys that I sometimes feel like I would like to get to know better. However, deep down inside, I know they are not what I'm looking for. If I married one of them...I would be settling.

So a couple of things to point out...

I think a lot of people have a specific person they are looking for. It's almost like a box and if you don't fit into the box...my theory is that usually one or both parties will sabotage the relationship so that they could leave and eventually find the one that does fit into the box.

The problem is that no one fits into the box because usually our expectations exceed reality.

What I'm saying is that I'm not upset or hurt that I've been broken up with in the past...because those guys didn't fit my box anyways. I'm just wondering if anyone does...

What are your thoughts? Do you have a box? Have you ever met someone that fits into your box? Or if there is anything you might like to add to this discussion, I'd be very curious to hear it.

Also, I realize that I might sound like someone who is expecting too much from a man...and maybe I am. But at least I'm being honest. It's not that I wouldn't give, for example, a short man a chance...it's just that if he is missing many of the things that I am looking for then I would feel like I'm settling. Does that make sense? I hope it does...and I hope ya'll don't think I'm picky or stuck up. That's not what I'm saying here at all. Just trying to be real.

It is unlikely that any one person is going to fit perfectly with your (anyone's) parameters for the ideal mate. It is good to have non-negotiables, but also to have a related category of "desirable but not critical" preferences. Don't accept someone who meets none of these secondaries, even if they fit all of the primaries, but also don't reject someone for being otherwise fitting who misses on a couple of minor issues.

I think your conclusion is correct: you undermined your relationships because they weren't what you wanted. Unfortunately, that is an unhealthy way of dealing with disappointment... and we're all guilty of it. Instead of being up-front and saying, "Having gotten to know you, I realize that you aren't the person I'm choosing to be with forever", we go with passive aggression. It's easier and allows us to avoid the supposedly ugly truth.

There is a flaw in our (Christian) understanding and practice of dating: we don't use that time to examine the other person as we should. We jump in with heart open and eyes closed, when we should have eyes wide open and heart well-guarded. We should not be afraid to say, "This isn't working".

By the way, I noticed your statement, "He works hard, is masculine, but also gets in touch with his emotions..." as though being in touch with one's emotions is somehow separate from being masculine. It isn't.

Littlemermaid!!!!

See????

The man of your dreams is here!!!!

Do you mean Dino? He is seeing someone and she is very lovely.

(keep in mind I am an analyst and an INFJ personality type)

What are your thoughts? Do you have a box? Have you ever met someone that fits into your box? Or if there is anything you might like to add to this discussion, I'd be very curious to hear it.

Another INFJ. I'm one too. Neat.


No. Sexual relationships bother me in general. I only care for pets/cats.

If I say this a couple of times in other posts on the Singles forum, is it polite of me to keep it at that and not keep saying it in future posts, or does it matter if I keep saying that part up there in future comment replies? ☝🤨😳 Does everyone really need to know?

I'm INFJ too, with 95% Introvert score. Sorry to keep buggin you, but I'm just really surprised to see someone with similar traits. I know they're not anything to be proud of, but it's still nice to know that there's someone out there who might actually feel the same way about things.