LIGHTEN UP, FRANCIS

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Pope Francis is in such deep trouble, he does need a little humor.

Many Catholics literally fled from the church in the 60's when they changed the mass from Latin to English . . . people still had the ability to think back then. Today we have a rank and file communist in the chair that believes that atheists are going to heaven and sodomites are good Christian people. And people aren't giving it a second thought.

Last days for sure.

Satan has blinded many...our work is definitely cut out for us. We ourselves are mearly grafted in to the the vine....

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
Before that, I was addicted to brake fluid. It wasn't as toxic way back when... besides, I knew I could stop anytime.
I used to be addicted to soap but, I'm clean now.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
This morning my boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

Donall and Conall Meet the JWs

The title of your thread made me think of this.

That's where I got the title.

Jesus said we shall be witnesses unto Him in all the nations, so the saints are actually Jesus' witnesses.

Also God the Father said to the Jews in Isaiah 52:6 that He would reveal a new name to them, and speak to them.

Which Jesus said to the disciples that the words that He speaks are not His own, but the Father that dwells in Him, He does the works.

And Jesus said He came in His Father's name.

And the Bible says that the Son inherited the name from the Father.

And the Holy Spirit comes in the name of the Jesus.

And that is because Jesus is the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, which Jesus is the fulness of the godhead bodily.

Can you people please understand the scriptures.

Jesus is the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, which why people want to point out why do they say Jehovah's witnesses, they do not understand that the name of the Father is Jesus.

Jehovah represents physical deliverance, and Jesus represents spiritual deliverance.

Jesus is Jehovah.

Lol that’s really funny . I like the part about 1 minuet and 7 seconds in to it when we see Frank the hippy pope wearing a millstone around his neck . Need to know your Bible for that one . It’s spot on.
Blessings
Bill

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from

Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---

Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Blonde Mortician

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care

So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.

This man was the King of one liners.

http://mentalfloss.com/article/60461/20-steven-wrights-funniest-jokes

1. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”
2. “I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
3. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”
4. “Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.”
5. “Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.”
6. “I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.”
7. “I went to a tourist information booth and said ‘Tell me about some people who were here last year.’”
8. “I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”
9. “Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.”
10. “I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
11. “When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”
12. “I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.”
13. “I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.”
14. “When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?”
15. “I’ve written several children’s books ... Not on purpose.”
16. “I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’ A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’ And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’ I said ‘Alright, I’ll wait.’”
17. “I went to a place to eat. It said ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
18. “We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.”
19. “I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
20. “I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.”

AN AMERICAN SNOWY WINTER

8:00 - I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today, and it is only getting worse.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says "He got in the back-seat by mistake."

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'

ELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”