Visiting a grave

oh my lands

people need to stop projecting their own experience and feelings on others

that is how a counsellor is trained and that is how the best counsellors give advice

it is not a sin to visit a grave. it is not a sin to not visit a grave

it appears the op has made peace with it all anyway but for some reason came here and asked for advice

an action he will most likely not repeat

oh that we all had the wonderful clear conscience we wish to visit upon others

Hello Timelessone,

Only you and God know your motives in visiting your former girlfriend’s grave. You said that your wife is not in favor of it. If visiting your former girlfriend’s grave is that important to you, it would probably be a good idea to talk to your wife again and explain to her your motives in visiting the grave. And as our LORD is the God of wisdom, who knows and searches our hearts, perhaps it’s also a good idea to pray with your wife, asking God for wisdom and discernment on this matter. Then talk to the wife again the following morning, and see what she says. Including your wife in the decision-making shows that she is important to you and you care for how she feels. You've been a good husband to your wife. I'm praying for wisdom and discernment for you and your wife, my brother.

****************************

If I did not see anything wrong with wanting to visit the grave of “an old flame“, then why would I object if my wife wanted to do the same thing? If I objected, isn't that called hypocrisy?

I used the word "lovers" in the context of differentiating between being friends and being in love, hence, lovers . This word has various meanings but you took the one that fit your narrative. You assumed that because we were lovers we had to have a sexual relationship and therefore sinned. Not all couples in love have such a relationship. ( This subject has nothing to do with my original post.)

I have to wonder just who is looking through tinted glasses and maybe should "snap out of it".

Guess im the odd one out here

Ive been married for 38 yrs , and if my husband wanted to visit an old girlfriends grave , who he had learned had died , I wouldnt have a problem with it , Id go with him

We all had lives and loves before we found the one

Hi.

To be honest you said you wanted to visit the grave and did not give reasons why you wanted to.

That's why I asked the questions I did.
Notice I did not say "You are doing it because off ??????"

You said that your wife is not in favour of it, Am I wrong to visit?
So I was trying to find out why you wanted to visit given that your was not in favour.

I may have missed it but you haven't said why your wife is not in favour.
That is why I asked further questions.

So I was trying to help by asking the questions I did

I didn't say it was right or wrong, I said if it were me then I would not do it.
I would have discussed it with my wife, explained why and if she still wasnt happy then I would not do it.

When I talked about forgiveness my line of thoughts were along the lines off.

She died 13 years ago, you found out 4 years ago.
So given that there was 9 years interim, someone eventually let you know.
Were you upset and and still upset with people you knew who knew her didn't tell you sooner and also do you feel bad about not being at the funeral 13 years ago and maybe need to forgive yourself?

I should have asked those questions. Sorry I wasn't clear.

You have said

You didn't ask that question in the OP, and I can't see you asking or saying that beyond the OP.
You asked "Am I wrong to want to visit?

So given the question above you are asking for a response which will solicit responses


I'm really sorry but I do not feel you presented all the facts and the reasons and why.
Once again that is why I asked my questions.
There was no intent to agitate, raise a tangled web, but I couldn't see the facts behind the reasons for the cause.

With regards to regret about going or later regret not going.
Why would you regret going?
Why would you regret not going?
So if you were to answer those then maybe people would be able to respond with a Yes or No and the reasons why.

I meant no offense in my original response and not in this one either.
I was just trying to behind the original question posed and also the fact that your wife was not in favour.

That's all.

God bless.

Bill

It is a tricky one I admit.

Yes we all had lives and loves before we found the one we married.
But why would we want to revisit that past?
What purpose does it serve?

I was engaged to another before I met my wife.

My wife and I have been married for 24 years. She is the love of my life.
Everything I have and I am I give to her, I would die for her.
We have 4 beautiful kids, all Christian.

If I found out tomorrow that my ex fiancée died would I want to visit her grave?
For me I would not want to and I would not even bring it up.
Yes I would feel sad that someone I knew and loved had died.

The thing is that we have all lives and loves before we found the one.
Now that can bring baggage into a marriage, and if it's not resolved before we get married then it can cause issues. Lack of security etc.

The thing is would your husband want to visit an old girlfriends grave?

Your friend is not at the grave. Her soul and spirit are elsewhere. Maybe you could write her a letter, read it and then tear it up and destroy it. That way, you get your feelings out, you get closure AND you won't cause waves in your marriage..

Hi Bill
Hes never faced that decision ( yet anyway )

But if he did , I would be right alongside him , without feeling threatened at all . I do realize not everyone will feel as I do tho

It was easy for LittleMermaid to jump to that conclusion.
In today's speak to be lovers means to having sex.

Maybe you should have said "We were in love"

But of course if you didn't realise saying "We were lovers" had that implication then off course you would not have known how it came accross.

That's because you are both totally secure in your marriage.
Praise God.

But I do think he would never ask you that question, why would he?

Im reflecting the above question based on me.

But if I'm honest if I did ask my wife can I do this because I need some sort of closure then I think she would.

She is as gentle, kind, understanding and loving as you are.

The traits of a wonderful Godly wife.

But I have to say if I need closure I need to do it in my mind.

When most people say "lovers" they mean sexual partners. If you wanted to talk about an old romance you could have said "girlfriend."

Also, I thought you wanted us to answer your question? Because if you're going to get all upset over the answers that do not fit your liking, then maybe you shouldn't ask for them in the first place.

Thank you! Yeah, it was very confusing. And if the OP really did not mean it that way, then I apologize.
But I still think it's wrong to go to the gravesite. OP, you already have your answer...your WIFE said no!

aww little mermaid

you didn't like what I wrote?

well if the shoe fits...it may interest you to know that the op had already settled it with his wife

you cannot be overly sensitive when people you do not know ask for advice and you cannot read your own persuasions into it either

people need to get over themselves and expand their horizons

This has nothing to do with me. I was just answering the OP. I didn’t know the issue was settled. That’s good news!
I didn’t like what you wrote because you made it seem like any answers that go against what the OP wants are bad answers. I just disagree with that.
No hard feelings, bro.

Uhh, Molly, lemme tell you a secret. Seven is a SIS, not a bro.. lol

I don't see how I found out about her death is of any importance but since you asked I will tell you.
I dabble in family history and I was skimming through some back issues of the hometown newspaper and just by chance came across her obituary. I did not keep in contact with her family or any of her friends and I left the area long before she died.

My friend the reason I asked was just as I said just a long shot.
9 years between her dying and finding out, therefore was or could that be an issue.
That's all.

I'm not trying make me look good or you look bad.
I'm genuinely trying to understand your thoughts on this matter.
Yes some of the questions may come from my life experiences but also walking with others.

Thanks for clarifying.

If you wish for me to stop responding to you then please tell me not to, I won't be offended.

God bless you.

Bill

Hey Timelessone, I do apologize if I came off as ignorant of the situation and maybe pushing my own thoughts on your issue. That wasn't my intention...but as I was rereading what I wrote, perhaps I was a little upset/rude at the time.

But I'm curious (if you don't wanna answer you don't have to), why do you need closure? Did this past relationship of yours end abruptly? Do you feel maybe you didn't have enough time to get over her before you married your wife? Again, I'm just curious is all. I have never been in love before so I don't know how the feelings work.

While her soul and spirit may be somewhere else, the part of her that I knew, the eyes I gazed into, the lips I kissed, the hands I held in mine are in that grave

I don't mind looking good or bad as long as I deserve it.