Lost

Lately I've been angry with God. It's been this way a long time, actually. The past few days, especially, I've blasted God. I have said the worst things to and about Him i could think of. Things that would not repeatable on this site if said about anyone at all. I've been convinced the past few days i was done with God since i felt He was done with me. I'm not one to believe salvation can be lost (please don't turn that into an argument) but after the things i've said the past few days i am wondering now.
All my life i've wanted to feel close to God. I never have. I would see people say how they needed God, loved God. I never felt that way. I've wanted answers, direction and help from God but felt like they never came. And if anything did come from God it seemed like a tease. I've spent 10 years sick with stream of health problems. Some permanent. So i don't have any friends locally because it's not easy for me to do much physically. And i'm broke, so i couldn't go anywhere if i wanted to.
10 years ago my bad health really started. I was homeless before that and felt that after 4 years of it i would just move back home. Months after moving back home i was told i would need to start dialysis soon for renal disease and need a kidney transplant. Once i connected my sudden desire to move and no longer be homeless with my health needs i realized it was God that had caused me to move. I would've never had the help i have now, when i was homeless. And that sounds all great on the surface, but my life has been meaningless since. 10 years of spending most of your time at home or at doctors/hospitals doesn't make ones life seem like it was worth continuing. Lots of pain, stress, anxiety, depression and a huge romantic heartbreak. My future seems bleak and lonely.
So i can't understand why God keeps me here. He never feels close. My life is miserable. My future looks hopeless. I am defeated and beaten down at every turn. And so i was so frustrated at God i said the most evil things i could think of to/about Him. I figured why follow God if He wasn't doing anything in me. I was pretty much on my way out the door from following Him, but it's not what i want. Not really. All i want is to be close to God. Personal. I've prayed so many things for so long, even begging God for guidance, answers and it seems He ignores me. I feel as though He has simply given up on me. Of course i sometimes wonder if He ever started.
Things are definitely different the past few days. I do feel different. Not in a good way. While i was reluctant to admit it to myself i do feel worried about it. I did tell God to leave me alone. In anger. I hope He hasn't left me though, and ignored my outburst. But i'm not so sure.
And i know all the answers Christians give. I know because i've given them countless times for almost 30 years myself.
Perhaps just lots of prayers.

i just prayed for you and I will be praying for you.... everyday ❤


God bless you ❤

I will have you in my prayers friend .

I have been here only a short time, but I have enjoyed your post.
They have often caused me to think and rethink.
God works in mysterious ways, and we seldom understand. But I believe he has a purpose.

I will pray for you brother, and I will ask my church to pray for you.

I usually get mad at God at least once a day when I'm at work and feel overwhelmed by the demands made on me. Yeah, it would definitely suck being broke and sick and having a feeling of hopelessness. God understands the human condition quite well because Jesus was a human too who walked on this earth experiencing pain and heartbreak too. Jesus wept. Yeah, he couldn't take this crap down here anymore either. I will say a prayer for God to improve your quality of life, it will probably occur in stages. One day you will wake up and realize that life is not totally crap and bogus but rather it is just hard and joyless. Next, you will realize that life is still hard, lacking joy, but is tolerable. Next, a certain measure of joy and a degree of comfort. Still hard, but perhaps you have a chance. This is the stage that I am currently in myself. I understand what you are saying. The struggle is real.

You can praise Him WITH your suffering.

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Sorry Ugly – sounds like a major dry spell – the worst ones are the ones that seem to last forever…. Will pray. I think I know of some of how u feel – we desire some life while we yet live. I like how Tourist put it…
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Fortunately God doesn't leave us just because we get mad and tell Him off. If He did, we would all be up a creek without a paddle.

I know my words don't mean much to you but... just reach out to Him, give Him all your anger, your hurts and resentments. Tell Him how you feel and what you want, and what you'd like from Him. But do it in a kind, humble way. I think once you hand over your un-needed baggage to Him, then maybe you'll start to see His light and hear His voice again. Just keep holding on to your hope and faith and trust in Him..

Blue_ladybug: the queen.

Fixed it for you.. LOL

Haahhaa!

Praying for you Ugly. I've said those words to God myself. Praying for us.

It's critical we not forget the true source of all this ...

John 12:25
Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

John 15:19
If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

James 4:4
Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.

1 John 2:15
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

1 Corinthians 4:11
Even unto this present hour we both hunger, and thirst, and are naked, and are buffeted, and have no certain dwelling place; 12 And labor, working with our own hands: being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we suffer it: 13 Being defamed, we entreat: we are made as the filth of the world, and are the off scouring of all things unto this day. 14 I write not these things to shame you, but as my beloved sons I warn you."

2 Corinthians 12:10
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Matthew 5:3
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. 6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. 7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. 9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. 10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11 Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Luke 6:20
“Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. 21 Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. 22 Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. 23 “Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their ancestors treated the prophets. 24 “But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort. 25 Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep. 26 Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you, for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets.

Matthew 10:22
You will be hated by everyone because of Me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.

Philippians 1:21
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith

1 Thessalonians 3:7
Therefore, brothers and sisters, in all our distress and persecution we were encouraged about you because of your faith. 8 For now we really live, since you are standing firm in the Lord.

I was just checking my emails on this site and checking for responses to MY prayer request I put on here 6 months or so ago and then I seen your prayer request on here, and truthfully, I had been wondering how you have been doing lately and glad that I seen what you wrote. I am not kidding AT ALL when I say I can relate to the EXTREME feelings of hopelessness and anger at God you have expressed. Right now I am on my way out of those feelings myself and it gets tough but am determined to hang on - just know you are NOT alone and know that I do care and that I will be adding you to my prayer list (I truly mean it, I don't say these things lightly!). Keep me / us updated and may God bless and keep you - Deva

Prayed for you!

I’m praying for you, asking God to intervene in your circumstances, provide comfort and encouragement at this time. May He sustain you with His peace that surpasses all human understanding, provide for all your needs and give you guidance in the days ahead.

He is nearer than any person, and He knows your troubled heart as does no other. Remember that “the Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

Talk to you soon ❤️

Lord we pray for ugly. Help him to know your perfect will. Bless him with your salvation and peace. In Jesus precious name. Amen

Brother I can understand your point of view in ways. I feel He have also put the issue of suffering on my heart in regard to what you're talking about here. I pray you understand what I'm about to say and my intention in saying it, but it honestly seems like you correlate your worldly circumstances to Gods love for you, or at least with your closeness to Him. When we are born again, when our spirits are made alive again and we are indwelt by His Spirit, when we are reconciled to our Creator and made new, made the way we were created to be, we are given the ability to now see and separate the things of this world from the things of the Spirit in ways that were not possible in the flesh. This is where the freedom comes from, this is what separates those of us in Christ from those who are not.

I come at this from the perspective of someone that was saved through suffering, the hardest test of my life God used to show me His glory. He can take the most broken, angry, violent, hateful, disabled, hater of God and transform him into a new creature that now lives to live in, share, and praise the glory of God to the world. I am sorry that you feel this way now, it has to be hard, but I believe you have to be going through it for a reason, for a purpose. I understand how little that helps you at this point, and may even be nothing more than annoying to hear. I know I got so tired of hearing "keep your head up", when going through my trial I wanted to scream, but I do know God has control and can use these things to draw you closer, make you stronger, and teach you things you've never seen. I pray He does just this and uses these things to make you stronger in His truth, I pray that He protect your heart in the meantime and that He grant you understanding as soon as He wills. I also thank God that you came here to share these things and trusted us to hear these things. I thank you for all things in Jesus name. Amen

The hope is still there brother, and I know I can't do much more than listen, but if there is anything I can do in that capacity to help please don't ever hesitate to message me.

Lord bless ugly and this prayer, in Jesus loving name, Amen!

Adam hide because he was afraid, to talk to the Lord God. There is nothing wrong about talking to him, and saying what you did, out of Love. I believe you are close to the Lord, but the discouragment has put a lilttle dark cloud before you. This is a lot to go through. I've known you here, many years, and find you a blessing with many, and to many. I've done that had some talks like that, but then I repent. Not giving counsol or advice, but we as believers, are to bear one another's burdens, and pray for one another. I think your a beautiful person. Remember the children coming out of Egypt what did they do in the desert. They started to grumble, mumble complain their faith dwindled, when Moses didn't come back for a while, they made themselves a godlin Idol.
One of the fruits is long suffering. We go through things on this earth, where the thorns and thistles are, thank you for sharing, and being here on C chat. Your avatar doesn't say the truth. Your not ugly but beautiful.