What Would It Take to Get Over Your Negative Views of the Opposite Sex?

Hey Everyone,

Having lived in the shark tank of the dating world for some time, I often hear/read the same complaints that men and women seem to have about each other over and over again.

Men will say that all women, Christian or not, expect good looks and money.

Women will say that all men, Christian or not, expect good looks and sex (outside of marriage.)

To be fair, these statements are usually spoken out of personal heartbreaks and disappointments, and once you hear each person's individual story, it's not hard to see why they believe the way they do.

And yet, nearly every person who sputters negative comments about the opposite gender... still wants very much, and sometimes desperately, to find a member of the opposite sex who will want them.

I can openly admit that I am no exception when it comes to forming some negative views about the opposite gender, and I often wonder if God is trying to break them off me before He actually sends a prospective person (after all, it's not fair to that person if I project all my past hurts onto him.) I can't look to someone else to make up for all the sins of the past, including my own.

I know one thing that has helped me get over some of my bitterness is knowing and observing guys both online and in real life who exhibit old-fashioned manners and strong moral characters. It gives me hope that maybe someday, I'll be fortunate enough to land someone like that on my own!

How about the rest of you?

* Do you harbor negative feelings of the opposite gender? (You don't have to state what they are if you don't want--it might be something just between you and God.) Do you think you'll meet a significant other while still holding on to those views?

* Would you expect a future significant other to make up for the things that caused you to have those views? How would you expect to be able to treat your significant other well and not allow the bitterness to be taken out on him or her?

* What do you think would take to help you truly get over any bitterness or resentment you might hold for the opposite sex?

As always, I am looking forward to reading your answers.

I've largely been unaffected in my views towards women despite a long string of heartbreak and poor treatment. At times people have expressed surprised that I'm not bitter towards women after hearing things I've gone through. But I've also heard plenty of bad stories women have gone through as well, Perhaps that aids in my realization that gender is not the issue, but the individual is.
Men hurt women, women hurt men. How can one put all the blame on the other gender when it happens on both sides?

Sometimes it won't take anything at all to get over negative views, because sometimes negative opinions get set in stone. Sometimes a negative experience is so strong (or the person takes it so badly) that the person will never get over it. What's worse, the person will never try that experience again because the person does not want to be hurt again.

Say I got a Husanso (made up name) phone one time, and it was a piece of junk. It was always dropping calls, I had trouble getting signal even when other people were using the same service in the same area just fine, the buttons on the side kept wearing out, the capacitive touch screen was so crappy that I had to try three times to select anything and the phone broke apart in my hands for no reason after only two months.

Maybe Husanso just made one bad model in an otherwise great product line. It happens. And maybe my friends are using other models of Husanso phones that are great. Maybe they are always talking about how they love their Husanso phones. But I know how crappy Husanso is because I used a Husanso phone and it was so terrible that I will never again use a Husanso phone.

Now I am in a position where my friends are saying Husanso phones are great but I do not want to ever use a Husanso phone again because that phone I had one time was so terrible. What to do, what to do... I know! I'll use confirmation bias. Every time the topic of Husanso phones comes up I will recount all the problems I had with that crappy phone. Every time somebody mentions something good about Husanso I will deny that anything good could ever come from that company, or I will find a way to claim what they think is good is actually something bad. If anybody ever mentions a problem with his Husanso phone I will carefully remember and catalog that complaint to add to my case against Husanso.

In time my friends will learn to just not mention Husanso around me. And that's exactly what I want.

People are like this about all kinds of negative experiences. One person gets kicked by a mule and he gets up and finds out what caused the mule to kick him and how to keep the mule from kicking him again, or where to get a mule with a better disposition. Another person gets kicked by a mule and avoids all mules for the rest of his life because "mules are ornery idiots that kick people." Sometimes you will not be able to get somebody to get over a negative view because that person is never again going to go anywhere near anything even remotely like the thing that hurt him.

Do you harbor negative feelings of the opposite gender? (You don't have to state what they are if you don't want--it might be something just between you and God.) Do you think you'll meet a significant other while still holding on to those views?

No, because then I’d be judging them & who am I to judge. I hope not lol.

Would you expect a future significant other to make up for the things that caused you to have those views? How would you expect to be able to treat your significant other well and not allow the bitterness to be taken out on him or her?
No way. I accept that each man is different and brings different experiences or personalities with them. Only by the guidance of God could I treat my future spouse the way God has intended for me to do so. It ain’t gonna be easy though lol.


What do you think would take to help you truly get over any bitterness or resentment you might hold for the opposite sex?

If I had this issue, it would be forgiveness.

The problem is, people are looking at something natural, that serves a biological purpose, as being negative.
We have built up a society that likes to romanticize the processes of mating, but it's true; women look for good looks and wealth in a man, and men look for good looks and sex. There are natural, normal, and good reasons for this. Women normally are sexually attracted to males who exhibit good looks, which is a sign of good health, that tends to lead to healthier offspring, and men who have more resources, that is needed in the successful raising of offspring. Men are sexually attracted to women who have good looks, cause it's a sign of good health and of course, they have a drive to continue their lineage. When I remind myself of this, I have no reason to be bitter. I understand fully, that if I want a wife, I have to be attractive to her. I can't be a fat slob, ranking at a 1, and expect a 9 to want me. That's crazy. It goes against the laws of nature that God created.

I do hold a negative view of feminism, and how that social movement has driven politicians to enact legislation, that is very inequitable towards males. A female cannot divorce her husband for another mate, choose not to work, and expect the former mate to bear the entire financial burden, and that man not become bitter.

I do not expect a future lover to do anything to make up for that bitterness. It's not her fault and not her problem. Everyone has a clean slate when they meet me. I will not throw problems on someone else.

What would help, is changes to the laws, that require a plaintiff in a no-fault divorce, to be required to waive any claim to property.

A pint of chocolate BROWNIE BREAK UP ice cream (and yes they DO have that n its awesome)..seriously..for MOST of the time..im rather FOND of the opposite sex (just as long as they put the toilet paper on the roll right and put the seat down) ..its all good! Thankfully..God has healed me of many past hurts inflicted in my life by men.lo..GOOD THREAD AGAIN SEOULSEARCHING!

KUDOS TWIN SIS..again..been there..done a lot of what youve experienced...they say that you attract certain people to you via vibe or state of mind etc..if youre "broken" youll attract that to your life..if youre positive..youll attract that as well..ive thought a lot about that and the fact that i see many hopping from 1 relationship to another to another and not taking time to heal or even KNOW who they are to begin with and what they have to offer nother. If you dont know who you are as a person..youll most likely incorporate yourself too much to who the OTHER person..(thier likes..dislikes etc) and end up resenting them because they werent staying true to themselves to begin with (cause they dont know themselves) vicious circle...obvioisly..im single today..God knows..is aware of my hearts desires but if a man should fall through..im gonna date my twin seoulsearching and eat icecream (and no..not lesbian so haters..lol)

Yeah..and we all knoe what YOURE looking for Tommy.. "redheadredheaded midget stripper/hairdresser named tiffany"...that wants a glock

I'm looking for cray cray, and redheads, midgets, strippers, hairdressers, and girls named Tiffany are crazy, so combine it all, and you got the craziest woman on earth.

And you DO know im teasing you out of LOVE so please no offense..lol

I don't know what you're writing about.

Is it a bonus if Tiffany's middle name is Stephanie?

The "theme" for some threads is speaking the truth in love..many get offended so i just wanted you to know i was teasing you in looovveee..lol

I don't get offended.

And if someone is offended, it's the offended person's fault.

There is actually some truth in those "negative views". What Tommy said is true. Do you know why women are attracted to confident men? It's because confidence in a male is a very basic biological indicator of dominance and success (even if the person isn't successful).

It's true in the animal kingdom as well. For example, when two male wolves fight to impress the female in order to mate, it ends up with one wolf still growling and taking up an aggressive stance while the other wolf lowers its head and walks away. The female will only mate with the winner.

Note that confidence is attractive to women even if the man is not successful or has little potential for success. The man's confidence makes a woman feel safe because it makes her feel that he is strong and able to defend her and her offspring. This is also one reason why bad boys attract women.

That is a good question. I try very hard not to stereo type people. I give each person the benefit of doubt until they prove other wise.

I do believe most men are sexually motivated. That is why I believe Paul addresses the issue with married couple. (not staying apart). Fornication has run ramped in this world probably from the beginning. Over coming temptations is character building. In today's world were women dress like sex objects, and men turn them into sex objects. And sex is on all the Tv shows now. Porn at the stroke of keys. I can only imagine a man's struggle. I have learned never put yourself in a position to fall. David fell and he fell with significant consequences. We should guard our own hearts lest me fall into the same trap.

Women I guess do desire security. A strong healthy male that cares to provide and protect. But here is the difference I think. The Lord will provide my physical needs. He always has. I don't need a man for shelter or food. Worldy women don't get that. The provide and security I speak of is spiritual and emotional. We are to be each others help meet. The man being the head of the household. Caring enough about his family to seek the Lords Council. Guiding and caring for his loved ones. The woman helping him burden that load.

I think because of the sinful nature of this world and our own selves. We continue to fall in the worlds trap and many getting badly burned. I believe that is why the bible says "equally yoked". And it does become discouraging. I don't see to many men or women actively seeking the Lord. I hear alot of words. But like in another thread about prophecy. We tend to get burned. I learned the hard way not all who claim Christianity are in fact Christian. That is why I turn to the bible for guidance on who I should be and what I should look for in a future spouse. There are usually red flags but many of us tend to avoid the warning signs until it is to late. We can either throw up walls. Or we can learn about ourselves and what to watch out for. Heal and move forward in life with a better understanding.

Carring old baggage to a new relationship is toxic. No one is responsible for another's actions. I would not expect another man to makeup for an old ones pains. And no man or woman can help us heal from another's inflicted pain. We are responsible for healing ourselves.

You shoulda been here back in the day. She would keep this kind of thing up for months at a time. She still could keep it up now, but the audience in this forum ain't what it used to be.

You, Jewel, seem a lot like the audience we used to have in this forum back in the day. Wish you could have been here back then. You would have had a blast, I can tell.

Thanks Lynx..ill get you to post a pic avitar yet

Won't ever happen. Why's it so important to you anyway? I'm not in a forum to advertise how I look. I'm in a forum to say what I think and read what other people think (more the second than the first.)