I've been praying a lot recently, and giving thanks to God. It's amazing how much he will show you about people, and yourself. So my question is what has God spoken to you recently, and what is his plan for your life?
What has the Lord been teaching me lately? And what are his plans for me?
How's this for real?
Hebrews 5:11-14
Dull hearers make the preaching of the gospel difficult, and even those who have some faith may be dull hearers, and slow to believe. Much is looked for from those to whom much is given. To be unskilful, denotes want of experience in the things of the gospel. Christian experience is a spiritual sense, taste, or relish of the goodness, sweetness, and excellence of the truths of the gospel. And no tongue can express the satisfaction which the soul receives, from a sense of Divine goodness, grace, and love to it in Christ.
That's Matthew Henry's take of those verses, and I agree with him.
I am a dull hearer, and yet the Lord has taken me through many experiences all with the same goal -- to have himself a people who will worship and love him forever, as he loves his people.
He gives me love. He gives me salvation -- not a small word. He gives me kindness. He rebukes me when I'm thickheaded. He makes my path hard, so I have to remember he is the one taking me through it. He gives me streams of still waters and yes, trips through the Valley of Death, but he is with me always. When I am scared or when I'm cocky. At all points, he is leading me, in love, to move on. To go to his kingdom. The kingdom ruled by true love. Where I travel to get there is not his kingdom. It is another land, and I'm merely passing through.
But I've been here before. I've been here before as atwhatcost. And this land was a mixed land back then. Some of the people were good, God-loving people, but many were angry. I find it telling that someone can be angry when being led by God. I think it is telling, because I know when I am angry while being led by God, there is something not right with me. How is it I am angry, when the Lord who loves me this much is leading me? Has he not given me everything I ever needed? His love. The love of a good husband. A home. His people when we needed his people the most. So, seeing the anger in others and seeing it well up in me, I chose to leave this land. And I was laughed at and scorned for that choice.
Two months later, God gave me something I never wanted to choose. My husband had a heart attack so bad the doctors told him twice that he was dying. (Once, when they didn't think he could hear them.) I came back to this land because I needed prayers for him. I wasn't ready for him to leave me, but I knew if God took him home, I'd needed to be ready. I needed to be ready no matter what God's plan was either way. So I tried to come back as atwhatcost, but you cannot leave this land and then return with the same name.
I was depleted. Depleted, and yet God completed me. He completed me by his comfort in small ways. (A tiny flower in winter. A choir in a hospital lobby.) And in bigger ways. His people all across the world praying for me and my husband. Many in this land.
Seven months, before my husband came home. Home to me, not home to the Lord. A few more months until he could manage on his own. But I stayed in this land as well as with him. And in this land, we got help from God's people passing through too. A man name Ed and his friends helped us make our home nice again. No longer the laughing stock of the neighborhood. No longer scorned by our neighbors.
And I got help from wonderful women going through their own struggles. Women who became sisters. One of those women I worry about because she is old and losing her struggle with cancer, but God has gifted her as a vibrant hearer. Joi. Joi who is losing her battle with cancer so hard that she has lost part of her mouth and neck, and yet sees the positive while living on liquids. Her positive is the Lord. She knows she is closer to God's kingdom then most of us are, and she has walked with him for more years than I've been alive.
And another young woman named Miri, who is willing to give her life for Mum, because that is where God wants her. God is turning her into Mary Poppins. And a woman named Notmyown, who isn't her own. She's God's own. And Angela, and Stephanie, Rosemary, LT, and others. All women with tough lives who love the Lord, so this land was not a wasteland to me. It was a Veranda. A gathering place.
But the Lord changed this land as hard as he changed the world with a flood, and our veranda washed away. I tried to wait out to see if the veranda could come back, but in the waiting a glitch stopped me from returning.
And then I heard from another woman on here that the king of this land didn't want me back. Oddly, I wasn't wanted back because I was asking the other women I knew from the veranda what we should do next, and he thought I was telling them to leave this land. The veranda was in this land.
I am a dull thinker. Once I hear I'm not wanted, I instantly have to go where I'm not wanted. So I returned, ran out of names to call myself so whatev. But the truth was that the Lord had sent me out of this land, because the natives are angry, and I pick up on moods and keep them. The Lord wants me free of this self-righteous anger, so he is about to take me to another land.
What land? No idea. I know I didn't like the land of husband-is-dying, and yet we went through that land anyway. I do remember other lands I didn't like either. But this is the way home. Going through lands to stop me from being such a dull thinker and realize my oasis is the Lord, not where I walk. Ultimately, he will take me to my true home. His kingdom. His loving arms.
And honestly, I've met enough other sojourners in this land to know I am not alone, and many have moved on before me. Many will move on after me. Because this is not our home. God is.