A while back I came across a free down load about low self esteem. it’s too long to post on
here, apparently there is a 100,000 character limit! But this part of it
might help.
Tip 1: Keep a diary
A good starting point is to understand more about how you feel about yourself and how it affects what you think and do. Keep a diary over the next two weeks and jot down when you notice your feelings about yourself go up or down - what is the circumstance and what are you doing at the time, what are you thinking, how are you feeling? This will help identify thoughts and behaviours that could be keeping you from a healthy self-esteem. You can use this diary together with the tips below to start tackling these bad feelings about yourself and make your life more satisfying.
Tip 2: Learn to like yourself
Low self-esteem means you have negative ideas about yourself. But there are things you can do to help counteract the critical voices inside your head.
Write down a list of things you like about yourself - even the smallest things. Jot them down as they happen in your diary. It can be easy to forget about these things when your confidence has taken lots of knocks. Ask yourself:
What have you done in your life that you were happy with?
Have you done something well?
Have you had to deal with some tough things in your life? How did you faced that? What does it say about you?
If you can, ask people you know what they like about you and what your strengths are – just make sure they’re people who make you feel good about yourself, not people who contribute to your feelings of worthlessness. Keep writing. It may be hard to start with, but stick at it. It will get easier once you get going.
Things to like about yourself
Example:
- I'm a good friend.
- I get on well with people at work.
- I make people laugh.
- I coped really well when my mum was ill.
Now you’ve discovered lots of really good things about yourself, keep reminding yourself of them. Use the evidence you have collected to write down your strengths and repeat them to yourself each day - perhaps just before going to bed or when you get up in the morning. Use them whenever you start feeling critical about yourself.
Tip 3: Reward yourself when something goes well
Low self-esteem makes you hard on yourself. You discount the things that have gone right and beat yourself up when things don’t go as planned. You can expect too much of yourself.
Finished a big project at work or college? Helped a neighbour out? Got all the shopping and housework done with time to spare? Whatever has gone right, no matter how small you think it is, write it in your diary – and give yourself credit. Don’t be concerned with how easy someone else might find it – if you’ve managed something that’s a struggle for you personally, give yourself the thumbs up.
Don’t stop there. Reward yourself for your achievements. Take the night off. Treat yourself to something. Keep on reminding yourself when things go right. And don’t be hard on yourself when things go wrong. If you are not used to giving yourself credit, this can be hard. It’s easier to criticise yourself than give yourself praise but there are techniques to help you.
Reality check
You can't be perfect all the time. The perfect person does not exist. When things don't go the way you planned, ask yourself:
- Was there anything that did go ok?
- Was it all my fault?
- What went wrong and how can I change it next time?
- Has the world caved in because that just happened?
- Will it still matter in a few years time?
Tip 4: Deal with negative thoughts
Negative thought patterns can become ingrained – you may not even realise you’re doing it. Healthy thinking is not about having an inflated view of yourself, it’s about taking balanced view.
There are a number of common mind traps we fall into when we’re feeling bad about ourselves. For example, if we feel unlovable, we may be quick to believe that people don’t like us or react badly to criticism. Or if we think we aren’t good enough, we can predict we won’t cope or that everything will go wrong.
Try our exercise on spotting and dealing with the common mind traps using your diary to help you. Even the act of labelling these bad thoughts can help take away their power. You will also learn techniques to balance your thinking so you take a more realistic view.
Tip 5: Notice and change your patterns
Feeling bad about ourselves also affects the way we behave. We do things to make us feel better – that actually make us feel worse in the long run. For example, we hold back from expressing what we need, or spend all our time doing things for others in an effort to be liked while neglecting our own needs. Or we feel we aren’t good enough, so we work flat out, with no time to relax and see friends, or never try anything for fear of failure.Use your diary to try and identify some of these patterns. Then experiment to see if these behaviours are actually helping or making you feel worse.
If you are constantly jumping to someone else's tune in an effort to please, try our exercise, 'Puppet on a string' to regain your sense of self. If you don't have the confidence to express your needs and views, or overcompensate for feeling worthless by coming over as agressive, practice these assertiveness skills.
Change your patterns - example
You regularly work late and at weekends. Try reducing your working hours for one week to see how it makes you feel and if it actually affects your performance at work. Or create some time for yourself instead of always running around after others, and see how it affects you and your relations with others. You may be surprised at what you find. Use this knowledge to try and change the way you do things.
Tip 6: Do the things that make you feel better
People with low self esteem tend to think they don't deserve things, that they’re not worth it. This can lead to them neglecting themselves, such as their health or their appearance – which only makes them feel worse. It is important to take care of yourself as it will give you the energy and confidence to tackle other things that are going on in your life. So start the day off well by having a shower and wearing something you feel good in, try to get enough sleep, eat healthily and get some exercise. Exercise is a great mood booster; even a brisk, daily walk can help boost your physical and emotional health.
Planning in activities that are pleasurable or satisfying can also raise your mood. Take time to do things you enjoy. Ask yourself: When was the last time I did something pleasurable? What do I find relaxing? It doesn’t have to be something big. Perhaps you could treat yourself to a relaxing bath with candles, go and see a film or meet up with a friend you haven’t seen for a while.
Maybe you once had a hobby or special interest – playing an instrument or taking part in a team sport, for example. Why not think about taking it up again? It’s not about being the best or winning every game, it’s about bringing pleasure back into your life – but it might give you a sense of achievement too.
Whatever you like doing, make a plan for the week. Schedule in something pleasurable for each day – and stick to it.
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