How is a husband to accept wife's suspicion

scruffyraccoon · Dec 19, 2017

I talked to my pastor about this incident, and he tells me that my wife doesn't have any respect towards me. He also asked me if I need help with filing for divorce that he can help. I told him that God is telling me to hang in there, but I find it torturous.

Here's some background...
I got into an argument a couple of weeks back over putting my stepson on my dental and vision insurance. He's over the age of 21 one, doesn't live in the house nor does he attend college. My wife has him under her insurance, and he has coverage under his employer. The wife thinks that I'm after her son, because I didn't add him to my plan. On my insurance plan I have myself, my spouse, my youngest daughter (15) and my stepdaughter (17). My three other kids are not on my plan, (22g, 19g, 18b), because of my ex-wife trying to fraud the insurance company by purchasing Ray-bans and Oakley sunglasses. I March I had to use our insurance to get everyone through dental and vision, because of a layoff. My wife ended up purchasing my stepdaughter $500 Tiffany frames and my stepson $800 Dolce & Gabbana frames. I wasn't with them during the purchase i just saw the debt hit our HSA account.

Anyway... The reason I didn't want to add him on the insurance is because I didn't want to be liable again.

The argument happens, and my wife is upset about the insurance. So much so that she is telling that she wants a divorce, because I'm not treating her son fairly. I let her vent and then leave the house for a few hours to let her cool down.

During that time she had texted my brother and told him how terrible I am. trying to win them on her side. I later find out that she text male friends that have adult stepchildren on their insurance asking for their opinions.

Another bit of information...
My wife keeps her phone locked, and she is always on online with her phone. I find her sometimes up in the middle of the night on her phone posting. i can see her smiling and laughing at times, at things that she finds amusing online. When I ask her about it, she gets jumpy and says it's nothing. I have asked her in the past, if maybe she was talking to someone or that people sometimes misinterpret things as being flirtatious. If she's cool headed she'll say that she's not and when she's not cool headed she starts accusing me of being doing something because i'm being suspicious.

A week later...
It's 10:45pm my wife fell asleep on the sofa. I notice that her phone has a indicator light on, so i move it so that I can see if it was a missed call from her son or parents. Instead there is a message for some guy on the screen that reads "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see..." Since my wife keeps her screen locked, that's as much of the message that I can read. the message came in at 10:20pm. I let it be, for a little while and then finally at 11:00pm i decided to wake up my wife. Although I was furious, because why is some guy talking to my wife at an unreasonable time? In addition, the message came through Facebook messenger as a undetected text. Meaning that the message doesn't get logged from our mobile phone provider as a call or incoming text. His message indicated a few days, more than two and less than a five. I asked her who is this guy that is texting you in the middle of the night? I told her that it's inappropriate. She looked at her phone and said last week she had text a few guy friends about handling insurance with step-kids. Most likely that he's check in on her, I left the conversation as is.

The next evening...
We are siting on the couch watching TV, and my wife starts using her phone. She then tells me , I see that you reactivated your Facebook account. She said, I bet you checked on the guy that texted me last night. I told her yes, I was curious who he is and why you two are talking. I told her, that last night she mentioned that you talked to a few guy friends about the insurance and step-kids. I told her, I looked at you friends profile. He is a single dad raising his daughter. She started looking through his profile and said that he's married. She showed me a photo on his profile, form three years back. How could you be asking him about step children insurance. I also told her, that she needs to tell him that I (your husband), doesn't see it appropriate to be communicating you after 8:30pm. I told her does his wife know that he is text you in the middle of the night? My wife opened her messaging app, and showed me the message that he had sent to her the night before. It read "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see if you got your insurance thing resolved, and I'm here if you need to talk." I told my wife that's great, I'm glad he's being polite but he's checking the field. He wants to keep an open dialogue with you. I told my wife, now looking at your message where is the rest of the text from a few days ago? She said that she deleted them, that she deletes any messages that she has with men. I told her why in the world would you delete them if you aren't trying to hide anything? I told her that my phone is open, that she has my passwords. i never delete any conversations that I have with anyone, because I have nothing to hide.

What happens next...
I watched my wife start typing on her phone, and i wait for her to finish. I told her was that really important for you type to stop something in the middle of our conversation. She said I did what you asked me to do, to text my friend to stop communicating with me in the middle of the night. I asked her if I can see what she had sent. she showed me, and it read "My asshole husband is sitting right next to me and is telling me that you shouldn't be messaging me in the middle of the night. He is also threatening to tell your wife, that we are talking. If he reaches out to you or your wife please let me know." I told her, why would you send that message like that? I wasn't threatening him or his wife? And why would my call me names to someone? She said because you are a stalker, and I'm afraid that you are going to harass him. I told her, if you were in my position wouldn't you be curious? I left it alone and went to bed as well as my wife.

Middle of the night...
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling uneasy. I went to visit the guy Facebook account, and I noticed that my wife's previous likes and post have been removed. I was thinking why would this happen, he just removed all of her posting? Then I decided to check her Facebook, I was unfriended. I was shocked, but not really concerned because I'm not a social media type of person. (Here i am posting) . LOL . But then I started thinking about her Facebook, she goes by her maiden name and never post pictures about us. She has her Facebook as being single, and little trace of me being involved.

I have been praying to God about this, and have talking to my wife about the way it made me feel.
How I don't feel respected, and that she disrespected me to her friend.
- She tells me "I only disrespect you in front of my friends, not when you aren't around"

I left for work today, I whispered in her ear:
[FONT=&quot]"I want to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting. I want to show you how much I love you."[/FONT]
I feel that God wants me to be patient, and to work on my marriage.
I see obstacles and challenges, I don't think that God wants me to go through this much of a challenge.

Here's the question...
What should I do?
How would you handle it?
I'm I being over reactive?
How do I love someone, when they don't respect you?

blue_ladybug · Dec 19, 2017

From everything you've said, it's fairly obvious that she has no respect for you AT ALL... Also, SOMETHING untoward is going on between her and this guy. It doesn't matter whether he's married or not, neither of them should be conversing together.. The fact that she locks her phone, says that there is something on it that she doesn't want you to see. Especially since she already knows that you check(ed) it from time to time..

Sounds like your wife has REALLY spoiled her kids, especially her son. And she's choosing them over you. It's rather juvenile to threaten divorce, simply because you don't want to include him on your insurance. Especially since he's on HER insurance AND his employer's insurance.. Sorry to say, she sees you as a cash cow. :/

She's full of baloney. If she disrespects you in front of your friends, then most likely she also does it when you aren't around. She has a single status on FB, no mention of you at all. Your wife is spoiled, selfish and has no concern for you at all.

kaylagrl · Dec 19, 2017

scruffyraccoon said:

I talked to my pastor about this incident, and he tells me that my wife doesn't have any respect towards me. He also asked me if I need help with filing for divorce that he can help. I told him that God is telling me to hang in there, but I find it torturous.

Here's some background...
I got into an argument a couple of weeks back over putting my stepson on my dental and vision insurance. He's over the age of 21 one, doesn't live in the house nor does he attend college. My wife has him under her insurance, and he has coverage under his employer. The wife thinks that I'm after her son, because I didn't add him to my plan. On my insurance plan I have myself, my spouse, my youngest daughter (15) and my stepdaughter (17). My three other kids are not on my plan, (22g, 19g, 18b), because of my ex-wife trying to fraud the insurance company by purchasing Ray-bans and Oakley sunglasses. I March I had to use our insurance to get everyone through dental and vision, because of a layoff. My wife ended up purchasing my stepdaughter $500 Tiffany frames and my stepson $800 Dolce & Gabbana frames. I wasn't with them during the purchase i just saw the debt hit our HSA account.

Anyway... The reason I didn't want to add him on the insurance is because I didn't want to be liable again.

The argument happens, and my wife is upset about the insurance. So much so that she is telling that she wants a divorce, because I'm not treating her son fairly. I let her vent and then leave the house for a few hours to let her cool down.

During that time she had texted my brother and told him how terrible I am. trying to win them on her side. I later find out that she text male friends that have adult stepchildren on their insurance asking for their opinions.

Another bit of information...
My wife keeps her phone locked, and she is always on online with her phone. I find her sometimes up in the middle of the night on her phone posting. i can see her smiling and laughing at times, at things that she finds amusing online. When I ask her about it, she gets jumpy and says it's nothing. I have asked her in the past, if maybe she was talking to someone or that people sometimes misinterpret things as being flirtatious. If she's cool headed she'll say that she's not and when she's not cool headed she starts accusing me of being doing something because i'm being suspicious.

A week later...
It's 10:45pm my wife fell asleep on the sofa. I notice that her phone has a indicator light on, so i move it so that I can see if it was a missed call from her son or parents. Instead there is a message for some guy on the screen that reads "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see..." Since my wife keeps her screen locked, that's as much of the message that I can read. the message came in at 10:20pm. I let it be, for a little while and then finally at 11:00pm i decided to wake up my wife. Although I was furious, because why is some guy talking to my wife at an unreasonable time? In addition, the message came through Facebook messenger as a undetected text. Meaning that the message doesn't get logged from our mobile phone provider as a call or incoming text. His message indicated a few days, more than two and less than a five. I asked her who is this guy that is texting you in the middle of the night? I told her that it's inappropriate. She looked at her phone and said last week she had text a few guy friends about handling insurance with step-kids. Most likely that he's check in on her, I left the conversation as is.

The next evening...
We are siting on the couch watching TV, and my wife starts using her phone. She then tells me , I see that you reactivated your Facebook account. She said, I bet you checked on the guy that texted me last night. I told her yes, I was curious who he is and why you two are talking. I told her, that last night she mentioned that you talked to a few guy friends about the insurance and step-kids. I told her, I looked at you friends profile. He is a single dad raising his daughter. She started looking through his profile and said that he's married. She showed me a photo on his profile, form three years back. How could you be asking him about step children insurance. I also told her, that she needs to tell him that I (your husband), doesn't see it appropriate to be communicating you after 8:30pm. I told her does his wife know that he is text you in the middle of the night? My wife opened her messaging app, and showed me the message that he had sent to her the night before. It read "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see if you got your insurance thing resolved, and I'm here if you need to talk." I told my wife that's great, I'm glad he's being polite but he's checking the field. He wants to keep an open dialogue with you. I told my wife, now looking at your message where is the rest of the text from a few days ago? She said that she deleted them, that she deletes any messages that she has with men. I told her why in the world would you delete them if you aren't trying to hide anything? I told her that my phone is open, that she has my passwords. i never delete any conversations that I have with anyone, because I have nothing to hide.

What happens next...
I watched my wife start typing on her phone, and i wait for her to finish. I told her was that really important for you type to stop something in the middle of our conversation. She said I did what you asked me to do, to text my friend to stop communicating with me in the middle of the night. I asked her if I can see what she had sent. she showed me, and it read "My asshole husband is sitting right next to me and is telling me that you shouldn't be messaging me in the middle of the night. He is also threatening to tell your wife, that we are talking. If he reaches out to you or your wife please let me know." I told her, why would you send that message like that? I wasn't threatening him or his wife? And why would my call me names to someone? She said because you are a stalker, and I'm afraid that you are going to harass him. I told her, if you were in my position wouldn't you be curious? I left it alone and went to bed as well as my wife.

Middle of the night...
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling uneasy. I went to visit the guy Facebook account, and I noticed that my wife's previous likes and post have been removed. I was thinking why would this happen, he just removed all of her posting? Then I decided to check her Facebook, I was unfriended. I was shocked, but not really concerned because I'm not a social media type of person. (Here i am posting) . LOL . But then I started thinking about her Facebook, she goes by her maiden name and never post pictures about us. She has her Facebook as being single, and little trace of me being involved.

I have been praying to God about this, and have talking to my wife about the way it made me feel.
How I don't feel respected, and that she disrespected me to her friend.
- She tells me "I only disrespect you in front of my friends, not when you aren't around"

I left for work today, I whispered in her ear:
"I want to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting. I want to show you how much I love you."
I feel that God wants me to be patient, and to work on my marriage.
I see obstacles and challenges, I don't think that God wants me to go through this much of a challenge.

Here's the question...
What should I do?
How would you handle it?
I'm I being over reactive?
How do I love someone, when they don't respect you?

Giving what you said a quick read,and Im not trying to be rude,you're both being very immature.Sit down,talk about expectations and be clear with each other. If you continue talking to men then thats a deal breaker for me,period. You're playing mind games. She's texting,you're trying to catch her doing something wrong. Either you trust your wife or you don't. If you don't then you need to tell her so and you need to go get counseling,and not from your pastor. He had no right to tell you to divorce when you have not had counseling or worked on this issue.Stop playing games,tell your wife that her texting is a deal breaker.If she continues you need to ask her if she wishes to end the marriage. Trust is everything and if you cannot trust her you need to get help and then you can consider divorce.Unless she is cheating,you have no Biblical cause for divorce.

tourist · Dec 19, 2017

My advice is to take your daughter, leave the house, and file for divorce.

Depleted · Dec 19, 2017

scruffyraccoon said:

I talked to my pastor about this incident, and he tells me that my wife doesn't have any respect towards me. He also asked me if I need help with filing for divorce that he can help. I told him that God is telling me to hang in there, but I find it torturous.

Here's some background...
I got into an argument a couple of weeks back over putting my stepson on my dental and vision insurance. He's over the age of 21 one, doesn't live in the house nor does he attend college. My wife has him under her insurance, and he has coverage under his employer. The wife thinks that I'm after her son, because I didn't add him to my plan. On my insurance plan I have myself, my spouse, my youngest daughter (15) and my stepdaughter (17). My three other kids are not on my plan, (22g, 19g, 18b), because of my ex-wife trying to fraud the insurance company by purchasing Ray-bans and Oakley sunglasses. I March I had to use our insurance to get everyone through dental and vision, because of a layoff. My wife ended up purchasing my stepdaughter $500 Tiffany frames and my stepson $800 Dolce & Gabbana frames. I wasn't with them during the purchase i just saw the debt hit our HSA account.

Anyway... The reason I didn't want to add him on the insurance is because I didn't want to be liable again.

The argument happens, and my wife is upset about the insurance. So much so that she is telling that she wants a divorce, because I'm not treating her son fairly. I let her vent and then leave the house for a few hours to let her cool down.

During that time she had texted my brother and told him how terrible I am. trying to win them on her side. I later find out that she text male friends that have adult stepchildren on their insurance asking for their opinions.

Another bit of information...
My wife keeps her phone locked, and she is always on online with her phone. I find her sometimes up in the middle of the night on her phone posting. i can see her smiling and laughing at times, at things that she finds amusing online. When I ask her about it, she gets jumpy and says it's nothing. I have asked her in the past, if maybe she was talking to someone or that people sometimes misinterpret things as being flirtatious. If she's cool headed she'll say that she's not and when she's not cool headed she starts accusing me of being doing something because i'm being suspicious.

A week later...
It's 10:45pm my wife fell asleep on the sofa. I notice that her phone has a indicator light on, so i move it so that I can see if it was a missed call from her son or parents. Instead there is a message for some guy on the screen that reads "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see..." Since my wife keeps her screen locked, that's as much of the message that I can read. the message came in at 10:20pm. I let it be, for a little while and then finally at 11:00pm i decided to wake up my wife. Although I was furious, because why is some guy talking to my wife at an unreasonable time? In addition, the message came through Facebook messenger as a undetected text. Meaning that the message doesn't get logged from our mobile phone provider as a call or incoming text. His message indicated a few days, more than two and less than a five. I asked her who is this guy that is texting you in the middle of the night? I told her that it's inappropriate. She looked at her phone and said last week she had text a few guy friends about handling insurance with step-kids. Most likely that he's check in on her, I left the conversation as is.

The next evening...
We are siting on the couch watching TV, and my wife starts using her phone. She then tells me , I see that you reactivated your Facebook account. She said, I bet you checked on the guy that texted me last night. I told her yes, I was curious who he is and why you two are talking. I told her, that last night she mentioned that you talked to a few guy friends about the insurance and step-kids. I told her, I looked at you friends profile. He is a single dad raising his daughter. She started looking through his profile and said that he's married. She showed me a photo on his profile, form three years back. How could you be asking him about step children insurance. I also told her, that she needs to tell him that I (your husband), doesn't see it appropriate to be communicating you after 8:30pm. I told her does his wife know that he is text you in the middle of the night? My wife opened her messaging app, and showed me the message that he had sent to her the night before. It read "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see if you got your insurance thing resolved, and I'm here if you need to talk." I told my wife that's great, I'm glad he's being polite but he's checking the field. He wants to keep an open dialogue with you. I told my wife, now looking at your message where is the rest of the text from a few days ago? She said that she deleted them, that she deletes any messages that she has with men. I told her why in the world would you delete them if you aren't trying to hide anything? I told her that my phone is open, that she has my passwords. i never delete any conversations that I have with anyone, because I have nothing to hide.

What happens next...
I watched my wife start typing on her phone, and i wait for her to finish. I told her was that really important for you type to stop something in the middle of our conversation. She said I did what you asked me to do, to text my friend to stop communicating with me in the middle of the night. I asked her if I can see what she had sent. she showed me, and it read "My asshole husband is sitting right next to me and is telling me that you shouldn't be messaging me in the middle of the night. He is also threatening to tell your wife, that we are talking. If he reaches out to you or your wife please let me know." I told her, why would you send that message like that? I wasn't threatening him or his wife? And why would my call me names to someone? She said because you are a stalker, and I'm afraid that you are going to harass him. I told her, if you were in my position wouldn't you be curious? I left it alone and went to bed as well as my wife.

Middle of the night...
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling uneasy. I went to visit the guy Facebook account, and I noticed that my wife's previous likes and post have been removed. I was thinking why would this happen, he just removed all of her posting? Then I decided to check her Facebook, I was unfriended. I was shocked, but not really concerned because I'm not a social media type of person. (Here i am posting) . LOL . But then I started thinking about her Facebook, she goes by her maiden name and never post pictures about us. She has her Facebook as being single, and little trace of me being involved.

I have been praying to God about this, and have talking to my wife about the way it made me feel.
How I don't feel respected, and that she disrespected me to her friend.
- She tells me "I only disrespect you in front of my friends, not when you aren't around"

I left for work today, I whispered in her ear:
"I want to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting. I want to show you how much I love you."
I feel that God wants me to be patient, and to work on my marriage.
I see obstacles and challenges, I don't think that God wants me to go through this much of a challenge.

Here's the question...
What should I do?
How would you handle it?
I'm I being over reactive?
How do I love someone, when they don't respect you?

This story is connected.

I married a good man, but good man was married before. His first wife cheated on him twice. Worse yet the two she cheated with were supposedly Christian.

So he was fearful that I might cheat on him. He hasn't completely trusted that I won't yet. Which is about as suspicious as it gets.

How do I live with him? Happily!

How do I prove to him that he doesn't have to be suspicious? Don't cheat.

Come on, dude! You already told us your middle-aged and been married for two years. That tells me both of you came in with lots of baggage into this marriage. Truthfully, I got bored when you started talking insurance. (Insurance bores me to tears, and I just had to recheck our insurance three weeks ago, so I had my quota for insurance talk to last me until next May. lol) So, I didn't read the rest, but she has kids? That tells me there was a first-husband who did a number on her too. This is what happens because of that. You knew this before you married.

The only thing to do is accept she's going to constantly be suspicious, and don't do anything she fears you will do.

It's not about insurance. It's about what here ex pulled on her. So, if'n you do anything that can be kinda like that, if you just see it through the right set of broken glasses, assume she will take it as all the wrong things, unless you talk it over first. And then, if she did anyway, then just assume you still have to keep proving you are above reproach, and love her for who she is. You're trying way too hard to turn her into someone she ain't.

And how does she respect you? By seeing you as someone worthy of respect over a long period of time. Personally, I tend not to respect people that try to change me. I respect people who accept me for who I am, just as I respect hubby for who he is.

A year ago, (and that's back in the days when we were only married for 36 years), he told me who he feared I'd cheat with this time. We both had a good laugh, because he now accepts that it's his imagination and, in that case, it really was a very funny imagination.

Deep down, after a mere three and a half decades of marriage, we are both certain, (for now), that there will be no cheating. It takes THAT long. It takes a lot longer since you're idea of respect is her accepting your terms on how she must change. (Truthfully, it really doesn't. No one is going to put up with someone who demands they change for that long.)

scruffyraccoon · Dec 19, 2017

Believe me I have been talking with my wife about this. She's not very level headed and is very much so on the defensive.
As for my Pastor, this isn't the first time that I have talked to him about situations and how as a Christian I should handle it. He always points me to scripture and guides me to pray. I have been praying and asking for help, I feel that God is pointing me in the direction of listening to the pastor. My wife and I went to pre-marriage counseling for six months before we got married. On my last visit before getting married, I went alone because my GF (wife now) couldn't make it. When I started talking the counselor asked, how do you want to to help do you want me to be the mediator for the break up? I told him no that we are getting married next weekend.

I honestly feel that God is telling me, "you wanted to do things your way, I gave you all the signs but you wouldn't listen"

Here I am two years later still trying to figure out what God wants me to do.
When I talk to my wife about putting God first in our marriage, she says that it is all talk.
I ask her to attend church with me, she will only attend maybe once every three months.
Her gripe is that the sermon was way too long, or that they sign the same worship songs.
I ask her to pray with me or bible study with me, she never comes around or isn't interested.
She critiques me for every effort that I put forward in our beliefs.
She claims that Gods teaching is a control issue, and that she won't be controlled.

I pray to God and ask what he is his will.
That I'm opened to what he wants me to do.

I asked my pastor, "I don't know why I'm still with my wife when everything is laid in front of me"
- "It's because you are a Christian, and you want to obey God"

I'm torn at most.....

Ugly · Dec 19, 2017

She had herself marked as single and her maiden name on her fb? Did it ever make you wonder why? Posting as a single woman? And talking to men all hours of the night and day on her locked phone? Sounds to me like you're missing what's really going on here. Or not wanting to admit it.

As to staying, if you feel that's what God's saying, then of course listen. But I would encourage you to double check. Many times the voice of "God" is actually people hearing what they want. And when things don't work out they're amazed.
But
What to do? Hard to say. Your wife sounds cold, immature, selfish. She has no issue with talking about you behind your back, even lying. And doesn't mind if you know. Has she ever been tested for mental illness? It's difficult to say if she does or not but often times such dramatic behavior is linked to mental illness or drug/alcohol use.
Though I must say I'm a little shocked and disappointed your own Pastor is so knowledgeable about divorce and willing to push for it.

Some things you neglected to share is how long you've been married or how long this behavior has gone on. Is it recent it just started? Was she this type of person before you married? If not can you figure out what may have triggered this behavior?

Ugly · Dec 19, 2017

Wait. You're the same guy who said your father in law was being racist towards you and your wife sided with him for getting mad at you when you complained.
Well, all this certainly changes that story. No wonder he dislikes you. Almost definitely she's talking bad about you to him. And of course she sided with him. She dislikes you too.
So many hugely important details left out if that other thread. It makes everything so obvious and clear finding out the rest of the story. I'm almost tempted to ask if that first post was a joke.

scruffyraccoon · Dec 19, 2017

I can't take the daughter, she's my step daughter. Although my step daughter sees the way that her mom is.

A couple of weeks a go my text me and the daughter "working late i have meeting to attend".
I took the daughter out for dinner, as I always do getting her set for the evening and homework.
While eating out, my daughter said mom is missing out on a good meal. Instead she wants to drink with all of her friends.

later that night...
The wife arrives home, drunk and passes out on the couch.
Tries to start an argument, and passes out.
I had to ask her if she was drunk and how did she drive home?
Our daughter, said just leave her alone she's out and isn't listening.

next day...
Come to find out that the meeting, was nothing to do with work.
It was a girls night out at a new adult entertainment (not stripping a bar and games) place in town.
I don't understand why I was excluded or informed, other than to take care of our daughter.

NotmebutHim · Dec 19, 2017

Ugly said:

Wait. You're the same guy who said your father in law was being racist towards you and your wife sided with him for getting mad at you when you complained.
Well, all this certainly changes that story. No wonder he dislikes you. Almost definitely she's talking bad about you to him. And of course she sided with him. She dislikes you too.
So many hugely important details left out if that other thread. It makes everything so obvious and clear finding out the rest of the story. I'm almost tempted to ask if that first post was a joke.

Ugly, I see what you did there. I'm on the same train of thought with you.

notuptome · Dec 19, 2017

This demonstrates why pre-marital counseling is so important.

Now that the covenant of marriage has been made it is crucial that marital counseling begin. If the Lord is not made the center of this marriage it will fail.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

scruffyraccoon · Dec 19, 2017

No the first post was not a joke. it was the reason why I posted to is if I can get some perspectives.
Regardless of what happens in my marriage I need to fix things with my FIL.
These are two separate issues.

The issue about the Facebook, is something that just happened in the last few weeks.

My pastor, pointed me to both sides of divorce.
As I mentioned before, he stated we are Christians that's why we put up with things.
In fact the Pastor, said that he is will to talk to my wife or find someone for her to talk to.
Or if we need help to see someone else out side of the church.

scruffyraccoon · Dec 19, 2017

I 100% percent believe this.
I wish that the counseling that we did was Christian oriented before marriage.
The counselor was an retired pastor, but was no longer practicing.

I felt that I checked all the boxes before i stepped into marriage again.

My wife has two children from a man that she did not ever marry.
She was saved and married a Christian, but that marriage only lasted 2 years. (infidelity on both sides)
I marry her, because things were great.
I'm asking the questions if she is stepping into the same pattern as her first marriage.
But she doesn't think she is doing anything bad.
- that talking to other men is okay in the middle of the night.

7777pinacled · Dec 19, 2017

scruffyraccoon said:

I talked to my pastor about this incident, and he tells me that my wife doesn't have any respect towards me. He also asked me if I need help with filing for divorce that he can help. I told him that God is telling me to hang in there, but I find it torturous.

Here's some background...
I got into an argument a couple of weeks back over putting my stepson on my dental and vision insurance. He's over the age of 21 one, doesn't live in the house nor does he attend college. My wife has him under her insurance, and he has coverage under his employer. The wife thinks that I'm after her son, because I didn't add him to my plan. On my insurance plan I have myself, my spouse, my youngest daughter (15) and my stepdaughter (17). My three other kids are not on my plan, (22g, 19g, 18b), because of my ex-wife trying to fraud the insurance company by purchasing Ray-bans and Oakley sunglasses. I March I had to use our insurance to get everyone through dental and vision, because of a layoff. My wife ended up purchasing my stepdaughter $500 Tiffany frames and my stepson $800 Dolce & Gabbana frames. I wasn't with them during the purchase i just saw the debt hit our HSA account.

Anyway... The reason I didn't want to add him on the insurance is because I didn't want to be liable again.

The argument happens, and my wife is upset about the insurance. So much so that she is telling that she wants a divorce, because I'm not treating her son fairly. I let her vent and then leave the house for a few hours to let her cool down.

During that time she had texted my brother and told him how terrible I am. trying to win them on her side. I later find out that she text male friends that have adult stepchildren on their insurance asking for their opinions.

Another bit of information...
My wife keeps her phone locked, and she is always on online with her phone. I find her sometimes up in the middle of the night on her phone posting. i can see her smiling and laughing at times, at things that she finds amusing online. When I ask her about it, she gets jumpy and says it's nothing. I have asked her in the past, if maybe she was talking to someone or that people sometimes misinterpret things as being flirtatious. If she's cool headed she'll say that she's not and when she's not cool headed she starts accusing me of being doing something because i'm being suspicious.

A week later...
It's 10:45pm my wife fell asleep on the sofa. I notice that her phone has a indicator light on, so i move it so that I can see if it was a missed call from her son or parents. Instead there is a message for some guy on the screen that reads "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see..." Since my wife keeps her screen locked, that's as much of the message that I can read. the message came in at 10:20pm. I let it be, for a little while and then finally at 11:00pm i decided to wake up my wife. Although I was furious, because why is some guy talking to my wife at an unreasonable time? In addition, the message came through Facebook messenger as a undetected text. Meaning that the message doesn't get logged from our mobile phone provider as a call or incoming text. His message indicated a few days, more than two and less than a five. I asked her who is this guy that is texting you in the middle of the night? I told her that it's inappropriate. She looked at her phone and said last week she had text a few guy friends about handling insurance with step-kids. Most likely that he's check in on her, I left the conversation as is.

The next evening...
We are siting on the couch watching TV, and my wife starts using her phone. She then tells me , I see that you reactivated your Facebook account. She said, I bet you checked on the guy that texted me last night. I told her yes, I was curious who he is and why you two are talking. I told her, that last night she mentioned that you talked to a few guy friends about the insurance and step-kids. I told her, I looked at you friends profile. He is a single dad raising his daughter. She started looking through his profile and said that he's married. She showed me a photo on his profile, form three years back. How could you be asking him about step children insurance. I also told her, that she needs to tell him that I (your husband), doesn't see it appropriate to be communicating you after 8:30pm. I told her does his wife know that he is text you in the middle of the night? My wife opened her messaging app, and showed me the message that he had sent to her the night before. It read "I haven't talked to you in a few days, I want to see if you got your insurance thing resolved, and I'm here if you need to talk." I told my wife that's great, I'm glad he's being polite but he's checking the field. He wants to keep an open dialogue with you. I told my wife, now looking at your message where is the rest of the text from a few days ago? She said that she deleted them, that she deletes any messages that she has with men. I told her why in the world would you delete them if you aren't trying to hide anything? I told her that my phone is open, that she has my passwords. i never delete any conversations that I have with anyone, because I have nothing to hide.

What happens next...
I watched my wife start typing on her phone, and i wait for her to finish. I told her was that really important for you type to stop something in the middle of our conversation. She said I did what you asked me to do, to text my friend to stop communicating with me in the middle of the night. I asked her if I can see what she had sent. she showed me, and it read "My asshole husband is sitting right next to me and is telling me that you shouldn't be messaging me in the middle of the night. He is also threatening to tell your wife, that we are talking. If he reaches out to you or your wife please let me know." I told her, why would you send that message like that? I wasn't threatening him or his wife? And why would my call me names to someone? She said because you are a stalker, and I'm afraid that you are going to harass him. I told her, if you were in my position wouldn't you be curious? I left it alone and went to bed as well as my wife.

Middle of the night...
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling uneasy. I went to visit the guy Facebook account, and I noticed that my wife's previous likes and post have been removed. I was thinking why would this happen, he just removed all of her posting? Then I decided to check her Facebook, I was unfriended. I was shocked, but not really concerned because I'm not a social media type of person. (Here i am posting) . LOL . But then I started thinking about her Facebook, she goes by her maiden name and never post pictures about us. She has her Facebook as being single, and little trace of me being involved.

I have been praying to God about this, and have talking to my wife about the way it made me feel.
How I don't feel respected, and that she disrespected me to her friend.
- She tells me "I only disrespect you in front of my friends, not when you aren't around"

I left for work today, I whispered in her ear:
"I want to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting. I want to show you how much I love you."
I feel that God wants me to be patient, and to work on my marriage.
I see obstacles and challenges, I don't think that God wants me to go through this much of a challenge.

Here's the question...
What should I do?
How would you handle it?
I'm I being over reactive?
How do I love someone, when they don't respect you?

She is having an affair,
Typical M.O.
Sadly she has used the children as leverage for divorce.
Its highly likely the secrecy about the internet profiles encompasses the fact that she is both shopping for another husband, and compiling advice for a divorce case.
Sorry to hear about the plight of your marriage.
Sometimes there are woman out there that do no repent. What ever occurs in the future Keep in mind that the Lord counseled paul on this subject. And as for yourself, keep the Lords Word close to heart. Walk as you should and leave her to her own devices without you in tow.

Blessings always

tourist · Dec 19, 2017

notuptome said:

My wife and I attended pre-marital counseling before we were married and I highly recommend it. If this couple went to counseling before getting married it would have become evident that they were incompatible as a couple, they did not share the same values and both of them simply had too much baggage they were carrying to make it work.

Magenta · Dec 19, 2017

Your wife is in full-on rebellion against Godly principles.

You are right: she has zero respect for you,
and refuses to take personal responsibility.

Will this change? Not likely at any time soon.

In her mind, it is all your fault, and she makes sure to surround
herself with people who support her narratives in this regard.

Dan58 · Dec 19, 2017

scruffyraccoon said:

I wouldn't do anything, because nothing has happened yet. Your wife is just having conversations, so I wouldn't over-react to that. Your insistence that she not text or use Face Book isn't helping, she probably feels that your not respecting her privacy and are too controlling. So I wouldn't jump to conclusions or get too paranoid. nor would I interfere with her chatting on the internet. jmo

scruffyraccoon · Dec 19, 2017

I think in my profile and welcome letter to CC i posted that I'm a Christian.
But I haven't always walked the straight line with God.
In my early twenties I wanted to got in to seminary, I had the passion for God and introducing people to him.

Pastorialship verses Engineer, I went after the money and providing well for my family. i still helped in church and contributed in any way possible.

I was married for 20 years and had four children. I love my children, and i pray for my ex-wife to treat them well and to be a good example. There is challenges, but I remove myself from some of those challenges so that my kids don't feel that they are picking sides. I grew up in a home where God was with us, and we prayed for every meal and attended church regularly. Not that those action makes a person a Christian, it that it builds foundation. I taught my kids the same in their beliefs, to put God first.

My wife now, grew up in an unbelieving home. She had partied (drinking) through out high school and college. Was in an abusive relationship with her kids father. Jumped from men to men, and tried settling down. Yes we all have our challenges and baggage.

It came out in our counseling that I wasn't being honest. We worked on those issues, and decided to make things work. I haven't talked to anyone while we were in counseling nor since we have been married. My wife agreed to remove people from her Facebook and LinkedIn that she was romantically involved with. Come to my surprise that a few of those people are back on her social media pages.

Through God we can see people differently and love them. I'll say this up front, I love my wife with all my heart. Yes she frustrates me, but doesn't everyone get frustrated with others? I feel that God wants me to do great things in our lives, but I keep asking God for how much longer do I need to put up with the little stuff? the stuff that triggers or doesn't add up? i'm a very patient man. I was once told to be assertive with my wife, and lay down how house rules. instead she called the police on me and the police told that they can't arrest me. they can't arrest someone for asking their spouse to listen to them. Her come back was that she had been in other relationships before and knows how things happen. I told the police and her, so basically she's judging me against all the other relationships that she had been in and not see who I am.

Sorry about that...
What I'm trying to say is that I honestly feel that I'm working on things to change things for the better. I'm putting God first in my marriage and trying to let her see she that through devotion and serving God that things can be mended. Pastor Pete said, that things won't change over night, not over a week, a month, a year or even during my life time. But by showing love through and Gods plan for us, wife will change at some point.

is this torture?

tourist · Dec 19, 2017

You made the right choice choosing to become an engineer over being a pastor. A man's primary responsibility is to take care of the financial well-being of his family.

scruffyraccoon · Dec 19, 2017

My wife stated to me that "she doesn't believe that I'm cheating on her, nor does she really think I think she's cheating on me".
Oddly that's the only thing that comforts me about the cheating. I do love her, I just need to figure out how to get her to respect me. Without me coming off as being controlling, because I'm not.

How is a husband to accept wife's suspicion

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