I've been on CC long enough that people know I'm not given over to daily 'spiritual experiences' or "God told me" statements.
So I hope what is written would be received with that in mind. I have mainly concentrated on the 'conversion' period and not all the sordid details of my BC life. If anything it shows that conversions are not always as simple as a 'sinners prayer' but sometimes involve a long drawn out battle in the soul. I wrote this up in etchy form in 2006 and it has only improved a little in it's tidiness.
One last thing...it's long, but...that's the way it came down. We'll start in Dec. 1972..
Oh, it is too long for CC standards, so it will be in two parts..
******************************************************************************
Oroville, Ca.
Dec 2nd 1972. Up to this point (for the last 6 mos. or so) I had been checking out stacks of books weekly searching , searching, searching, reading, reading, reading,.This day at the library it dawned on me that the answer to ‘existence’ would not come from the accumulation of knowledge through, books since the variables in life were astronomical and daily increasing. There would be no way one could read all the info needed to absorb all the variables needed to draw a final conclusion. Nearly at the same hour some friends (Dick Bjork and Laura, Steve and Cathy ) had come into the library and had invited me to their house that night.
Up to now I had had about 4 ‘trips’ on acid but all I ever experienced was vividness of colors or a little spookiness in having someone drive me down a mountain road at night. (That sensation was that I was in a ‘time warp’ and would never break from it…going down the same mountain curve over and over.)
Tonight would be different and would mark a life shaking change never to be forgotten followed later by some equally moving encounters. The evening went on in normal fashion music, weed, drinking , and then the acid. It was around 11pm when I had taken two hits of blue dot acid. At first, things started going south, their kids were starting to act crazy (knowing we were getting zoned); my teeth felt like they were cracking and falling out (strychnine); then after a short period of time I found myself looking at a picture of Jesus hanging on a cross (this picture actually existed in their house on a dresser). But when I had glanced at it and then away I felt like my brain was being shocked with a large amount of electric voltage. The pain was excruciating. This happened about three times. When I was noticing that I could not face the person hanging on the cross. I asked myself why not’? I kept glancing, yet avoiding, (like Dracula avoiding the cross) and the ‘electric’ pain would continue to shoot through my head. Finally, I determined to take a good long look at Jesus hanging on the cross. As I did, I noticed as if there were waves of life flowing from his chest towards me. I looked in half amazement at the site. The shooting pain had stopped. I turned to ponder. Next thing I knew I had seen in vision like fashion the two dogs (Brother and Sister) which were at my house looking up at me as if saying, ‘you have left us out in this cold weather’. That passed quickly and then I saw my self (looking up at myself) at about the age of 10 in a white shirt standing in a walkway (which began at my back porch and ran between the two garages back in Wyvernwood (where I had grown up).. Then I started feeling in my stomach a pushing sensation and the the whole room around me turned hospital white, The pushing continued a bit and then stopped and I started hearing a baby crying and then saw the baby lying in a basin-like container …I had a gut feeling what I was looking at …me…being born. The electric shocking sensation was long past and all seemed much more peaceful for the remainder of that evening/morning. (End of trip).
Since that night without realizing it my outlook and perception of life changed slowly from political activist to being more sensitive with spiritual matters. One big difference readily noticeable was my sensitivity to the written word and people’s speech. I was for the first time experiencing(i.e. not just head knowledge) the difference between a persons words and his body. I was to become much more sensitive to words in lyrics, speech, poetry etc. than I had heretofore been. (Much later I could look back as a Christian and say this was when I was born again. That is, a spiritual birth which marked the beginning of much work the Lord still had to accomplish from that point on.). Born from above without the Word of the Gospel? No! Rather with the Word of the Gospel! Remember the picture of Christ crucified I saw on the dresser?!
Wenatchee, Wa.
Keystone Orchards Spring to Summer 1973.Here my eyes were further being opened. I sensed upon looking at nature that there was an Artist whose art differed from man’s art, not only in beauty and design but in life itself (a sort of non stop kinetic art). The creation contained an art which lived breathed, moved. Even in it’s seeming randomness it contained a beauty which man’s artistic palette could not even come close to it in immeasurable ways.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.”
This Scripture was beginning to dig deep in my soul. Although I had not yet attached it’s meaning to the Incarnation v.14 (and the Word became flesh..) it confirmed my hunches at the time of the importance of our words and how it appeared that the words we speak were not a separate entity which we would spit out from our mouths but were intricately tied with the soul of our being.
Took off to Wyoming Rainbow Festival. (Summer 73) On the way stayed at a motel in MT. for one night. In it was a Gideon bible. Had a little exposure once again to some Scripture. (This time dealing with Jesus story on the vine and the branches.) At the Festival, hooked up with a group who had a ‘Jesus personality amongst them. This individual would set an example pray over everything (even the water we drank) lot’s of blessings, lot’s of hugging, lots of scripture (but mainly out of context) Our group got busted by a game warden for fishing without a license. On the long walk thru the Festival on the way to the jail this individual was able to panhandle enough money to pay the fine (otherwise we would be sitting in jail as a flight risk).
[Returned to Oroville for a short while Aug-Sept 73.. (One humorous happening sometime after in Grass Valley or Nevada City). I had been in town a short while and was espousing the Master Game by DeRopp, teaching with some friends I had met. We took acid that night and one of the places I found myself was by myself in a completely strange neighborhood . I started to ‘meditate’ in the street and as I did a large dog came walking towards me, barking. I somehow felt that man was to be in control of the animals and if I would just set my mind aright through meditation the dog would settle down. He did have somewhat of a confused look on his face when he saw I did not run or back away. He seemed to be calling his pals but to no avail. Moments later the Grass Valley police pulled up. I was kinda scared now because I was afraid they would discern my mental state on acid and would take me in for shock treatment. They asked me where was I from. The question seemed awfully strange. To answer ‘Detroit’ would seem to be only a name and would be no answer. After all who is from a name? Deeper down I knew we were from God so I answered“ I am from where we all are from…God." They asked where did I live. I gave them the name of the friends I was staying with. They asked for some I.D. All I had was the Universal Life Minister card. They looked at it and got kind of nervous and apologetic and immediately drove me to my friend's house. I was still rather scared zoning in a police car on acid in a small town thinking at any moment they would detect my state. They returned me to my friends…whew, one relieved puppy.)]
Oct of 1973 went up to Wenatchee after working in the pumpkin fields outside Oroville. I came back to see Kim (a girlfriend). But first day back I went to stay with old friends (into White witchcraft, esoteric astrology etc., Alice Bailey, Ouspensky, Gurdjieff etc).
The next day (about third Fri.. of Oct) I went to see Kim but this time she was turned off to me in more ways than one. I could hardly hold a conversation for 10 seconds without my mind floating into la-la land. The next day I had taken some window pane acid which I had brought up from Oroville. I had gone out to a small park on the way to East Wenatchee (to see Kim) when the acid began coming on. At first I noticed such things as grass and trees were no more natural than the cars which drove by (there was no comfort or sanctuary in poking green grass blades etc.)... Next thing I knew I was pressed to the ground in a fetal position. I could not move…not even a finger. I had the sensation of being completely isolated from life, stiff I could not even cry out. Was I to remain in this state for eternity? Was this the beginning of hell or judgment? I remember saying something like ‘God, please help me’. This phenomena happened twice in succession and then abated. By this time my mind was reeling and I felt panic setting in. Next thing I was hearing Dylan's song ‘A Hard Rain is a Gonna Fall’ in my head and at same time I was ‘seeing’ hail and fire landing close by, and tied it in with the then current 1973 Israeli-Arab conflict.. All this got me to think of heading off to see Kim as she had mentioned Christ and the bible the day before. As I headed in that direction (East Wenatchee) it seemed as if the weather got colder and darker and my mind was getting more and more confused and panicky. I had looked across at the bridge crossing the Columbia River and felt if I had continued approaching to cross it I would end up jumping off . I was walking in terror and confusion of mind.I stopped an elderly man with a cane seeking wisdom from him (maybe he could give me answers), he only shook his head and kept walking.
At this time, at the peak of torment of thought I had seen a billboard through all the clouds and confusion actually glowing (everything else around was cold and gray) and it simply read “If you are human, You need JESUS”.Well, this was too much. I tried to collect my thoughts and composure. I reasoned, “Kim is a Christian, she knows Jesus, so what is wrong going that way? (Towards East Wenatchee). Sooo, I started off in that direction, but the coldness and confusion was gripping and intensified. I had to stop and rethink. I thought to myself, ‘perhaps this is not the right way, things are getting only worse…so I turned around and started walking. At that moment, simultaneously, I felt a ton of weight/tension drain from my body, tears began flowing a deep joy came over me the sun began to shine and the air became warm,. I have never in my life felt this before. I was literally in ecstasy and I knew it had to do with that billboard…it had something to do with Jesus. I walked back to the house (communal house run by a ‘white witch’- Rosetta who just happened to be gone that weekend) where I was staying still full of this joy. I went around telling those that lived there that I believed that there was something to this 'Jesus' thing. Many in the house listened and wondered but later that evening one who was older explained to me that I had a ‘top of the world experience’ common to many seeking. “After all there are many roads to god”, so he said. Not being grounded in God’s Word I was soon back in my old ways.
Chelan, WA.
A week later it was set up by Rosetta for me to go to Chelan and watch over a house for the winter owned by a Kennedy family. This house had a bible in the kitchen so I opened it up and soon came across the Lord’s prayer. It was Halloween morning(1973) when I prayed the Lord’s Prayer for the first time …(or any prayer longer than ‘help me God’). To my amazement that day went smoother and more peaceful than any day I had in years. In the days surrounding I read a little and prayed a few times. I was beginning to suspect that there was something more to this Jesus ‘thing’ and prayer. I remember for example, I was trying to light the wood heater and was struggling with the flame not ‘taking’ to the firewood. I took a deep breath and spoke the name ‘Jesus’ repeating slowly. The fire ‘took’ readily and I had more to ponder.
It wasn’t but a few days that I discovered some books up in the attic. These were old theology books more along the line of theosophy, Christian Science, and some aberrant forms of Christian thought. But it was enough to steer me away from the Scriptures. Soon after Rosetta changed her mind and had her daughter and son in law move me out and have them move in.
Back in Wenatchee I arranged to go with Rosetta’s son Merrick to a commune in Eastern Washington outside Davenport called Tolstoy Farms.
Tolstoy Farms
The first day at Tolstoy we were introduced to some of the ‘family’. Two of whom I had recognized earlier at Rosetta’s house in Wenatchee. That evening I stayed with a friend in a treehouse (made to live in). A number of people came over and as usual we got stoned. It had snowed that night (early Nov ’73) and at one point I had to go to the bathroom. Sooo, I stepped outside in the dark to find a place, I took a step that kept going down and down, down, down ‘til I was on my back in the snow about 15 ft below the door. I had re-injured an old knee injury and so it looked like I was stuck a while as well as being snowed in. I ended up staying there until early January. It was probably a new low in my life. Although the chopping wood, carrying water, stoking the fire, were helpful in keeping me half in touch with reality whereas on the other hand I was getting deeper into meditating with a blank mind, readingTarot, and drugs, drinking, etc.
At the same time some of the earlier ‘Jesus’ experiences would come briefly to mind causing me to ponder about Jesus. One of them taking place on the night of Dec 25th.(The following is erroneous Christian teaching but when you come from extreme left field you must pass through the field to get to home plate,) It struck me that there was a similarity between Jesus dying and rising three days later and the winter sun finding it’s lowest point around the 22nd and ‘resurrecting’ on the 25th.. Once we traveled near Spokane in the snow to a friends house. The couple was a Christian and would attempt to answer questions and objections. I seen myself as somewhat listening but all the while mainly objecting.
In any case back at Tolstoy, I felt like the prodigal feeding the pigs (even though I had not as yet known the story) insofar as I seemed to be at the bottom of my existence. Came down with an ear infection and a sickness from bad water (can’t recall name yet). So in around the end of the first week of January I left Tolstoy and went back to the white witch’s house (Rosetta’s) in Wenatchee. (Not exactly the prodigal fathers home).
Continued on next post...
So I hope what is written would be received with that in mind. I have mainly concentrated on the 'conversion' period and not all the sordid details of my BC life. If anything it shows that conversions are not always as simple as a 'sinners prayer' but sometimes involve a long drawn out battle in the soul. I wrote this up in etchy form in 2006 and it has only improved a little in it's tidiness.
One last thing...it's long, but...that's the way it came down. We'll start in Dec. 1972..
Oh, it is too long for CC standards, so it will be in two parts..
******************************************************************************
Oroville, Ca.
Dec 2nd 1972. Up to this point (for the last 6 mos. or so) I had been checking out stacks of books weekly searching , searching, searching, reading, reading, reading,.This day at the library it dawned on me that the answer to ‘existence’ would not come from the accumulation of knowledge through, books since the variables in life were astronomical and daily increasing. There would be no way one could read all the info needed to absorb all the variables needed to draw a final conclusion. Nearly at the same hour some friends (Dick Bjork and Laura, Steve and Cathy ) had come into the library and had invited me to their house that night.
Up to now I had had about 4 ‘trips’ on acid but all I ever experienced was vividness of colors or a little spookiness in having someone drive me down a mountain road at night. (That sensation was that I was in a ‘time warp’ and would never break from it…going down the same mountain curve over and over.)
Tonight would be different and would mark a life shaking change never to be forgotten followed later by some equally moving encounters. The evening went on in normal fashion music, weed, drinking , and then the acid. It was around 11pm when I had taken two hits of blue dot acid. At first, things started going south, their kids were starting to act crazy (knowing we were getting zoned); my teeth felt like they were cracking and falling out (strychnine); then after a short period of time I found myself looking at a picture of Jesus hanging on a cross (this picture actually existed in their house on a dresser). But when I had glanced at it and then away I felt like my brain was being shocked with a large amount of electric voltage. The pain was excruciating. This happened about three times. When I was noticing that I could not face the person hanging on the cross. I asked myself why not’? I kept glancing, yet avoiding, (like Dracula avoiding the cross) and the ‘electric’ pain would continue to shoot through my head. Finally, I determined to take a good long look at Jesus hanging on the cross. As I did, I noticed as if there were waves of life flowing from his chest towards me. I looked in half amazement at the site. The shooting pain had stopped. I turned to ponder. Next thing I knew I had seen in vision like fashion the two dogs (Brother and Sister) which were at my house looking up at me as if saying, ‘you have left us out in this cold weather’. That passed quickly and then I saw my self (looking up at myself) at about the age of 10 in a white shirt standing in a walkway (which began at my back porch and ran between the two garages back in Wyvernwood (where I had grown up).. Then I started feeling in my stomach a pushing sensation and the the whole room around me turned hospital white, The pushing continued a bit and then stopped and I started hearing a baby crying and then saw the baby lying in a basin-like container …I had a gut feeling what I was looking at …me…being born. The electric shocking sensation was long past and all seemed much more peaceful for the remainder of that evening/morning. (End of trip).
Since that night without realizing it my outlook and perception of life changed slowly from political activist to being more sensitive with spiritual matters. One big difference readily noticeable was my sensitivity to the written word and people’s speech. I was for the first time experiencing(i.e. not just head knowledge) the difference between a persons words and his body. I was to become much more sensitive to words in lyrics, speech, poetry etc. than I had heretofore been. (Much later I could look back as a Christian and say this was when I was born again. That is, a spiritual birth which marked the beginning of much work the Lord still had to accomplish from that point on.). Born from above without the Word of the Gospel? No! Rather with the Word of the Gospel! Remember the picture of Christ crucified I saw on the dresser?!
Wenatchee, Wa.
Keystone Orchards Spring to Summer 1973.Here my eyes were further being opened. I sensed upon looking at nature that there was an Artist whose art differed from man’s art, not only in beauty and design but in life itself (a sort of non stop kinetic art). The creation contained an art which lived breathed, moved. Even in it’s seeming randomness it contained a beauty which man’s artistic palette could not even come close to it in immeasurable ways.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.”
This Scripture was beginning to dig deep in my soul. Although I had not yet attached it’s meaning to the Incarnation v.14 (and the Word became flesh..) it confirmed my hunches at the time of the importance of our words and how it appeared that the words we speak were not a separate entity which we would spit out from our mouths but were intricately tied with the soul of our being.
Took off to Wyoming Rainbow Festival. (Summer 73) On the way stayed at a motel in MT. for one night. In it was a Gideon bible. Had a little exposure once again to some Scripture. (This time dealing with Jesus story on the vine and the branches.) At the Festival, hooked up with a group who had a ‘Jesus personality amongst them. This individual would set an example pray over everything (even the water we drank) lot’s of blessings, lot’s of hugging, lots of scripture (but mainly out of context) Our group got busted by a game warden for fishing without a license. On the long walk thru the Festival on the way to the jail this individual was able to panhandle enough money to pay the fine (otherwise we would be sitting in jail as a flight risk).
[Returned to Oroville for a short while Aug-Sept 73.. (One humorous happening sometime after in Grass Valley or Nevada City). I had been in town a short while and was espousing the Master Game by DeRopp, teaching with some friends I had met. We took acid that night and one of the places I found myself was by myself in a completely strange neighborhood . I started to ‘meditate’ in the street and as I did a large dog came walking towards me, barking. I somehow felt that man was to be in control of the animals and if I would just set my mind aright through meditation the dog would settle down. He did have somewhat of a confused look on his face when he saw I did not run or back away. He seemed to be calling his pals but to no avail. Moments later the Grass Valley police pulled up. I was kinda scared now because I was afraid they would discern my mental state on acid and would take me in for shock treatment. They asked me where was I from. The question seemed awfully strange. To answer ‘Detroit’ would seem to be only a name and would be no answer. After all who is from a name? Deeper down I knew we were from God so I answered“ I am from where we all are from…God." They asked where did I live. I gave them the name of the friends I was staying with. They asked for some I.D. All I had was the Universal Life Minister card. They looked at it and got kind of nervous and apologetic and immediately drove me to my friend's house. I was still rather scared zoning in a police car on acid in a small town thinking at any moment they would detect my state. They returned me to my friends…whew, one relieved puppy.)]
Oct of 1973 went up to Wenatchee after working in the pumpkin fields outside Oroville. I came back to see Kim (a girlfriend). But first day back I went to stay with old friends (into White witchcraft, esoteric astrology etc., Alice Bailey, Ouspensky, Gurdjieff etc).
The next day (about third Fri.. of Oct) I went to see Kim but this time she was turned off to me in more ways than one. I could hardly hold a conversation for 10 seconds without my mind floating into la-la land. The next day I had taken some window pane acid which I had brought up from Oroville. I had gone out to a small park on the way to East Wenatchee (to see Kim) when the acid began coming on. At first I noticed such things as grass and trees were no more natural than the cars which drove by (there was no comfort or sanctuary in poking green grass blades etc.)... Next thing I knew I was pressed to the ground in a fetal position. I could not move…not even a finger. I had the sensation of being completely isolated from life, stiff I could not even cry out. Was I to remain in this state for eternity? Was this the beginning of hell or judgment? I remember saying something like ‘God, please help me’. This phenomena happened twice in succession and then abated. By this time my mind was reeling and I felt panic setting in. Next thing I was hearing Dylan's song ‘A Hard Rain is a Gonna Fall’ in my head and at same time I was ‘seeing’ hail and fire landing close by, and tied it in with the then current 1973 Israeli-Arab conflict.. All this got me to think of heading off to see Kim as she had mentioned Christ and the bible the day before. As I headed in that direction (East Wenatchee) it seemed as if the weather got colder and darker and my mind was getting more and more confused and panicky. I had looked across at the bridge crossing the Columbia River and felt if I had continued approaching to cross it I would end up jumping off . I was walking in terror and confusion of mind.I stopped an elderly man with a cane seeking wisdom from him (maybe he could give me answers), he only shook his head and kept walking.
At this time, at the peak of torment of thought I had seen a billboard through all the clouds and confusion actually glowing (everything else around was cold and gray) and it simply read “If you are human, You need JESUS”.Well, this was too much. I tried to collect my thoughts and composure. I reasoned, “Kim is a Christian, she knows Jesus, so what is wrong going that way? (Towards East Wenatchee). Sooo, I started off in that direction, but the coldness and confusion was gripping and intensified. I had to stop and rethink. I thought to myself, ‘perhaps this is not the right way, things are getting only worse…so I turned around and started walking. At that moment, simultaneously, I felt a ton of weight/tension drain from my body, tears began flowing a deep joy came over me the sun began to shine and the air became warm,. I have never in my life felt this before. I was literally in ecstasy and I knew it had to do with that billboard…it had something to do with Jesus. I walked back to the house (communal house run by a ‘white witch’- Rosetta who just happened to be gone that weekend) where I was staying still full of this joy. I went around telling those that lived there that I believed that there was something to this 'Jesus' thing. Many in the house listened and wondered but later that evening one who was older explained to me that I had a ‘top of the world experience’ common to many seeking. “After all there are many roads to god”, so he said. Not being grounded in God’s Word I was soon back in my old ways.
Chelan, WA.
A week later it was set up by Rosetta for me to go to Chelan and watch over a house for the winter owned by a Kennedy family. This house had a bible in the kitchen so I opened it up and soon came across the Lord’s prayer. It was Halloween morning(1973) when I prayed the Lord’s Prayer for the first time …(or any prayer longer than ‘help me God’). To my amazement that day went smoother and more peaceful than any day I had in years. In the days surrounding I read a little and prayed a few times. I was beginning to suspect that there was something more to this Jesus ‘thing’ and prayer. I remember for example, I was trying to light the wood heater and was struggling with the flame not ‘taking’ to the firewood. I took a deep breath and spoke the name ‘Jesus’ repeating slowly. The fire ‘took’ readily and I had more to ponder.
It wasn’t but a few days that I discovered some books up in the attic. These were old theology books more along the line of theosophy, Christian Science, and some aberrant forms of Christian thought. But it was enough to steer me away from the Scriptures. Soon after Rosetta changed her mind and had her daughter and son in law move me out and have them move in.
Back in Wenatchee I arranged to go with Rosetta’s son Merrick to a commune in Eastern Washington outside Davenport called Tolstoy Farms.
Tolstoy Farms
The first day at Tolstoy we were introduced to some of the ‘family’. Two of whom I had recognized earlier at Rosetta’s house in Wenatchee. That evening I stayed with a friend in a treehouse (made to live in). A number of people came over and as usual we got stoned. It had snowed that night (early Nov ’73) and at one point I had to go to the bathroom. Sooo, I stepped outside in the dark to find a place, I took a step that kept going down and down, down, down ‘til I was on my back in the snow about 15 ft below the door. I had re-injured an old knee injury and so it looked like I was stuck a while as well as being snowed in. I ended up staying there until early January. It was probably a new low in my life. Although the chopping wood, carrying water, stoking the fire, were helpful in keeping me half in touch with reality whereas on the other hand I was getting deeper into meditating with a blank mind, readingTarot, and drugs, drinking, etc.
At the same time some of the earlier ‘Jesus’ experiences would come briefly to mind causing me to ponder about Jesus. One of them taking place on the night of Dec 25th.(The following is erroneous Christian teaching but when you come from extreme left field you must pass through the field to get to home plate,) It struck me that there was a similarity between Jesus dying and rising three days later and the winter sun finding it’s lowest point around the 22nd and ‘resurrecting’ on the 25th.. Once we traveled near Spokane in the snow to a friends house. The couple was a Christian and would attempt to answer questions and objections. I seen myself as somewhat listening but all the while mainly objecting.
In any case back at Tolstoy, I felt like the prodigal feeding the pigs (even though I had not as yet known the story) insofar as I seemed to be at the bottom of my existence. Came down with an ear infection and a sickness from bad water (can’t recall name yet). So in around the end of the first week of January I left Tolstoy and went back to the white witch’s house (Rosetta’s) in Wenatchee. (Not exactly the prodigal fathers home).
Continued on next post...
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. Keep your head up and know that we LOVE your presence here at CC. Peace.
