married but alone

Anyone have any words of wisdom? I'm married to the same man over 20yrs. I love him with all my heart, but have never felt so ignored, neglected, or excluded by anyone as, much as him...always. Even with physical intimacy, he's just not interested in me in hardly any form. I'm tired...I pray daily for him and our marriage. Just wondering when it's time to count your losses and move on

Beth, I feel for you because I have been there too. I'm divorced from my first husband now but I still have personality traits brought about from a marriage like yours. I still have confidence issues today - 20yrs on. We weren't Christians (he still isn't) and I do wonder how things would have panned out had we been. There is nothing worse than feeling unloved and worthless I know. Have you tried talking to him? Have you suggested a separation? This might kick-start him into realising his life is in danger of being turned upside down. Counselling is another avenue, if he won't go then go alone - it might give you a few suggestions on how to play this out. Do keep talking to God about this. I will pray for you also, God bless.

Are you both Christians? Do you attend church together? If not, that's a start.

Do you have interests that you pursue together? That would also be good.

But you don't just give up on a marriage (i.e. "count your losses and move on"), you work through it. Talk about it. Talk to your pastor. You two can make it work as long as you both want to make it work.

Thank you for the advice. I have talked to him...he's not a big talker. He refuses counseling because to him, nothings wrong. We are both Christians and go to church.in fact, up until almost 2yrs I was in full time ministry. I am only 40 & don't want to spend another 20yrs crying myself to sleep while I'm young enough to have a life still. But again, thanks so much for the support and advice.

Unfortunately, I have been where you are.....and our marriage ended- but that does not mean yours has to- you're doing better than I did if your husband IS going to church with you-that's great- the thing you do need to do is pray hard, and don't lose your faith in God. Persue God, and His love for you.....love your husband....flirt with him, ask him for a date, dress up for him every now and again, show him the attention that you want and maybe he will mirror that back to you. Pray for him and with him. Counseling is good for both but if he wont go at all then go alone. Try everything possible to save your marriage- after being married for 20 years we kinda get settled into life, and can sometimes forget about what brought us together as a couple in the first place. Even a little one day get-away for the two of you could do wonggest going wonders. Suggest going somewhere that he likes to go......I know you're the one wanting to reconnect, but maybe if you try these things it could help.......maybe he is feeling the same way.......I wish you happiness and a mending in your marriage......praying for you now........and when I say that Im praying for you......I Am doing it now!

Those whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth. No chastening seemeth joyous for the present but to those who are exercised thereby it bringeth forth the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

Living for Christ is not always about living a carefree lollypops and unicorn existence. Do not allow this to pull you away from the Lord but allow the Lord to draw you closer. More prayer and more study of Gods word. Rejoice in what you have and pray for those who have it a lot worse.

Your reward is in heaven not here on this earth.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

Sorry Roger I respectfully disagree. You don't need your husband to attend counseling. Go yourself and you may still be able to find what the issue is or at least help for yourself.If he sees you going for help he may realize that things are more serious than he thought.Seek Christian counseling and I bet that will help.

With all due respect she is feeling sorry for herself. The focus needs to change from self to Christ. Yes God can use her to reach her husband but the only thing in her control is her heart attitude toward the Lord.

If she is unhappy now she will be unhappy after if she leaves. Happiness is not found in circumstance but in the Lord.

You are correct that Christian counseling will help if she allows the Lord to minister in her heart. If she has been given a cross to bear then she needs to have the Lord help her to bear it not run away from it. Do not use unhappiness as an excuse to cease from doing right.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

These things are sent to draw us closer to the Lord yes but practical advice and steps need to be made or life will become impossible - I've been there and temptation to fall into the arms of someone Satan sends will be overwhelming if you are starved of love.

Hello my sister......I think where most marriages run into trouble is when one spouse feels the
other is responsible for their happiness....you have been married for 20 years......this can not be new... of course
God is our true happiness.....but there also are things we can do for ourselves......its time to
be accountable for your own happiness.....get a new hairdo...change or refresh your look...
Join an activity that you have always wanted to do for you.....take a class...living a life acting
needy and sad....is not appealing.....if anything its a turn off......make him chase you.....remember
when we were young and trying to impress a boy.......He will see the change...he will take notice....
counseling has been suggested.....OK that's good....but a small change in attitude...and self assurance.... can go a long way....plan things and ask if he would like to join you......if he doesnt
want to go ...go anyway....nothing is more appealing then someone having fun without you....
he will soon spark interest and hopefully learn.....that ....with or without him......you are gonna have
a fun life.........he will catch up....but at least this way you aren't feeling neglected as much.......
Life should be an adventure......stop feeling sorry for yourself and find your adventure...
in other words....change things up in your routine....this will rock the house.....and cause
the whole family to say.....what's gotten into mom........peace...jo

Don't get chastisement confused with punishment, as a lot of us do when we read that scripture.

Some people are harsh; you may be feeling sorry for yourself to some degree, we all do. But that is not your main problem. Yes you need to focus on the Lord in this situation, but don't let somebody's answer make you feel like you are the one all wrong here.

Pray earnestly for your marriage. It is so tempting to want to get out when it seems hopeless, but a commitment is a commitment. As long as you are not being abused, you should try to stay and let Christ live through you in this marriage. It is not fun but we are not called to have fun in life, and there can be other situations you could find yourself in that would be just as miserable, just a different situation. If you eventually feel God is leading you out of the marriage, then follow Him. Just don't follow how miserable you are.

Marriages can go through dry spells. If he were to post about it, he'd probably post the problem with his marriage is that his wife is depressed or stressed about the marriage. I've been there with my wife, usually during PMS, where she has thought we had huge marriage problems because we didn't get along well during her PMS. She'd remember arguments during PMS or post-partum blues from years earlier as examples of our marriage problems. Then two weeks later, she could be crazy about me and happy about our marriage. I'm not saying that's your situation, but sometimes us men don't really know what's going on with you women folk.

I've read that less than 1% of couples who regularly pray together get divorce. I've read about a couple of informal surveys on this. You could start praying together more.

It's actually pretty easy to start getting along better. Let's say you are home when he gets home from work. Before he gets there, make his favorite drink, lemonade, tea, or whatever. Have it chilled and ready to serve. When he comes home, meet him at the door with a really bright smile, hug him, kiss him, and tell him how thrilled you are to see him. Ask him if he wants to sit down and have a glass of whatever you made for him to drink. (You could also make a snack for him.) When he sits on the chair or couch, sit on the floor next to him and lean against his leg and engage him in conversation.

I've been reading 'Love and Respect'. If you could read that together or even by yourself, and find a church that offers a class in it or some kind of seminar, that will help. It explains how women crave love and men crave respect, and how they interpret the same words differently. If you criticize a man, it can be taken as a lack of respect and contempt for who he is as a human being, so you have to be very careful about this. Men in this situation may go silent or try to avoid the conversation, and she feels unloved. So she ups the criticism and he feels less respected. The author calls it 'the crazy cycle.' As a wife, you can work on trying to make him feel respected and hopefully he'll respond with making you feel more loved.

As far as the sexual part goes, tell him what level of activity you'd expect from him and ask him to take the lead. If he needs to go to a doctor change his diet, those are things to consider. You could try kissing him constantly when he comes home, and see if that leads to anything.

A lot of men don't want to go to marriage counselors. I'm not against it in principle, but I'm a bit wary of them myself. You could end up with a counselor whose objective is not to save the marriage, especially if it's a secular counselor. I also remember occasionally tuning in to a 'Christian counselor' on the Christian radio station for a minute here or there who was advising callers to leave their spouse for a while, it seemed like, whenever I called in--- on the radio, after only talking to one party. It didn't sound like violence was the issue either. I've read that marriage counselor success rates for saving marriages aren't necessarily all that great. I'm not saying there aren't great counselors out there. But how could you know before you go, and could the counselor cause some problems?

For a man, marriage counseling sounds like it could be an hour of his wife talking bad about him with someone else to join in. If he's not down for marriage counseling, fortunately, there are other ways of improving your marriage.

Btw, I don't think you have any Biblical grounds for divorce based on what you've shared. If you divorce him just because you aren't getting along and marry someone else, that would be adultery.

My marriage failed after six years so I am not the best one to give any kind of marriage advise, but I can give this advise in that problems I have faced this last year I learned to give them to God. My cousin had been wounded by a joke I had said to her but that she took it personally and held resentment for 6 years and I had apologized for what I said and asked her to forgive me twice but nothing worked and I gave her and the problem to God and told Him I had done everything I knew to do in asking for forgiveness. She was starting to hurt my feelings at this point holding on to the resentment so I said to the Lord. I quit and am going to let You take care of this please help me as I don't want to loose my Christianity over this situation and I am hurt that our relationship is where it is at.

Three weeks after the prayer my cousin called me and said there had been an alter call at her church and she and her daughter had gone down on that call and she started talking to me again on her own and we are on the road to recovery as far as our family relationship is concerned and it only happened after I released the situation to God. So give this problem and your husband to God and ask Him to work it out and watch God work.

I did learn from my first marriage failure that I should have respected my husband more than I had. Probably I should not have gotten married at the age of 17 either as when we grew up we grew apart.

Praying that things will be resolved in a positive manner for you and your relationship is restored. God bless in your walk with Jesus.

I'm newly married so I don't claim to know anything about the subject. I think the OP is depressed and needs encouragement.Sorry Roger but I think your comment is too harsh here.I think she needs Christian counseling.The bible says Jesus came to give us life more abundantly.She doesn't have to live in an unhappy marriage,she can get help.People shouldn't feel like they have to push down their feelings and slap on a smile and pretend to be a happy,happy Christian.There is help out there nowdays for Christian marriages.I came from a home of arguing,unhappy parents.They wouldn't divorce because it wasn't Christian but they fought constantly making the family miserable.To the OP don't continue to be unhappy,seek help and hopefully your husbands eyes will be opened and you can have the marriage you're longing for.

I would like to fill in a few holes, mainly for the male comments. A quick def of the wife I am and have been. I regularly maintain my looks and have been told am very attractive. Not by my husband. Im a stay at home mom, I meet my husband at his truck every single day with a kiss, hug, and glass of tea. I fix his plates and do yard work cuz he works so much. I get up early, have his coffee ready and start his heater in the winter. I have numerous sexy get ups that I wear just for him. If he wants sex, he's never turned down. I don't nag, I suggest. I text him wkly to tell him how much I appreciate how, hard he works. Now here's a bit about him. He's a good man, but I am and have, always been the spiritual head of my home, unwilling to me. He's, been addicted to porn, which he swears he isn't anymore. He's been on hook up sights before, which he says he isn't anymore. He shows no interest in me if I walk in front of him in a g string and pasties. And has told me everything wrong with my body. Keep in mind he's not buff, and is over weight. Which oddly I still think he's sexy. Now in my mind, I HAVE done all I can. Including pray and fast. And pms? C'mon, seriously, how chauvinistic.

If it were me, I'd stop doing so much FOR him and a bit more WITH him.

Still waiting to find out if you two go to church together... That would be HUGE.

beth,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband not responding to you. You sound like you offer him a lot as a wife. I hear there are marriages where the man is addicted to porn and 'takes care of himself' leaving his wife starved, so to speak. I can't say for certain that this is his situation. It doesn't make sense to me. You'd think experiencing the real thing would be better than pictures. But you also said your husband works really hard and you do a lot of work to help him out because of that. Is it possible he's physically and mentally exhausted when he comes home, and that's why he isn't interested in talking or physical intimacy with you?