enril

I discovered recently a note i had written, from around july 3 years ago, my first suicidal scribble.
before that I got my hands on an old phone, repaired it, and out of curiosity, discovered porn.
After that I became so guilty, being a christian at that time, that I gave up my faith.
I sank deep into porn, depression, thought about drugs, killing myself, that I (after 1.5 or so years) destroyed the phone. but soon I discovered another device, and used it for those purposes, embroiling myself deeper for another year. after I locked myself out of that device, I used a different one for the same thing, again every night, until one night, I went on a church all nighter, intending to kill myself that night. On the way back, I talked to one of my friends, and he talked me out of it, but I was not free still, and was not a christian still, until, one night at camp, I hard the song good, good father, and the message, and I went out to my cabin, and just broke down, my first time crying, my first time displaying any emotion in over 3 years. that night I went to a guy I know, crying, and he helped me understand how jesus could love me, and I got saved. but the worst was not over yet.

At camp, I also talked for 4 hours to a guy, and one of my friends about porn, and I shared my porn story, and we encouraged each other, and after camp, I mostly quit porn, narrowing it down to where I was until recently, once very couple months.
I also was freed from my depression, for a time. but then, it came back, and I again was planning to kill myself, and I sent an email to someone I know, and she told me I was loved, that I was worth something to her, that She did not want me to die, and I didn't. a few weeks later, I sent a message to my youth pastor, and he talked to me, and now I plan to get baptised in janruary.

but, the worst is not over. I got depressed again, and started self-harming, to wake myself up, to give myself clariity. and then my friend, she talked to me, and my youth pastor helped me, and i stopped.
but, then I used ai to create porn of someone I see evry week, kinda know, and i got a lot of guilt from that, carved lines in my skin so deep i have them today, still hurting like the day I got them. many lines, I got so depressed, and, I then got how i am now, regressing.