Woe Is Me!!! How Can I Possibly Escape the MASSIVE HORDES of ALL THESE SUITORS??? (Or Other Persistent People!)

[seoulsearch]

Something else I wanted to reiterate that Snacker's post reminded me of...

One of the reasons I appreciate your posts so much @Tall_Timbers is that you are openly honest about marriage being difficult.

There are several married members here whom I love to listen to about the happy times with their spouses, but if I can be honest, I've known of many more unhappy or at least very troubled marriages than happy ones, Christian or not. I've also known several Christian couples who went through separations, sometimes permanently.

Now of course, I realize marriage in one of the most personal aspects of life, and that many people wouldn't want to air their problems or grievances, but I'm thankful that you give us an honest outlook.

I seem to run into 3 types of Christians who are married:

1. Those who are generally happily married and happy to share their experiences, but still encourage and respect singles, even if they don't get married.

2. Those who are generally happily married, but are always telling us singles we need to hurry up and do our part because we're not real or whole Christians if we don't get married. This group also frequently seems to appoint itself to try to "police" single's behavior through various shaming and preaching, apparently trying to curb all the debauchery they assume every single is committing.

3. Christians who are married and most try to put up their best front, but behind it all, they're caught in some very bad situations. Some are downright miserable, but they don't dare say a word or admit it, because they know that's not the "proper" thing to do in the Christian community, and will be met with a slew of criticism if they do.

The majority of people I've met in life are, heartbreakingly, in the 3rd category. When talking to other singles, I know I'm not alone -- many singles I know have seen the results of troubled marriages within their own families -- and this is what makes so many of us cautious about marriage.

We all know that marriage isn't a car, or a house, or anything we can trade in for something else. We are well aware that marriage is permanent, and that's why some of us stand on the side for so long. It seems all to easy to get trapped into a bad situation -- and there is no way out -- except death. (If I were trapped in a bad marriage, I would pray continuously to God that I would die as soon as possible.)

But somehow that often gets seen as us doing something wrong, when I think many are just trying not to get ourselves into situations very few are willing or able to teach us about or admit.

TallTimbers, I am very sorry for the challenges you are going through and I pray for you and your family when I see your posts.

But I also want to thank you for having the courage to be honest with us, because I think you're one of the few who understands and accepts why many of us here are single, or have chosen to be single for so long.

And I know that I for one will always be appreciative of that.

As I was doing dishes, I was thinking about a 4th group of married people/parents I have encountered and feel the most sorrowful for. They're a bit of a subset of the ones in the 3rd group I mentioned in the quoted post above.

These are ones who are so miserable in their situations that they encourage... Hmm... that's a bit too weak of a word. Rather, they STRONGLY INSIST that I should get married and/or have kids -- because they're so unhappy that they can't stand seeing anyone else who isn't facing the same things.

I remember a guy on CC (to my knowledge, he's not here anymore or I wouldn't mention it,) who STRONGLY encouraged me to house single moms with kids in my home so that I could "do my part" in helping to raise other people's kids. But the truth was, he was a stressed-out single dad and he didn't like that I wasn't also a struggling parent.

Another time, I had a co-worker who was always, always telling me I should be a parent. She told me I'd be fine as a single mom and that if so many others could do it, so could I. But I came to find out she was extremely frustrated by her relationship and a particular child who kept getting in trouble. One day she was in the bathroom (otherwise empty until I walked in,) and when I asked her what was wrong, she exploded, saying she wished she'd NEVER had that particular child (wishing she'd had an abortion) and that she HATED seeing me at work.

She told me, "I HATE seeing you walk by. I HATE knowing that you have FREEDOM and don't have to answer to or take care of anyone and can do whatever you want on the weekend. I HATE knowing all the things you could be doing but don't, because that's what I'd be doing if I HAD WHAT YOU HAD!!"

This was a Christian woman. Her whole life was steeped in church culture, as her family ran a church. But she was overwhelmed by where she now found herself in life, and I genuinely felt sad for her.

I've run into this more than once, so I know that when people are trying very strongly to convince me to do something, there's often other things going on under the surface. Some don't like being reminded that they could have chosen other things, so they want to make sure everyone else makes the same choices they did.

I have found that I am much better at conserving my energy and then giving my very all to a situation or someone in need in the moment -- but I can only keep that up for so long.

But if I don't have a way to be able to pull back, and into my own space, for an indetermined amount of time, my mental, spiritual, and physical health starts to deteriorate very quickly. I'm much better at serving others here and there when I can, rather than 24/7.

This is another big reason as to why I'm still single and don't have children -- I can't go 150% all the time like so many parents and married people are forced to do.

I often wonder how many are in a situation that God truly called them to, or, for whatever reason, they are now in circumstances beyond or outside of God's will, and, heartbreakingly, it is killing them.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

TallTimbers, I am very sorry for the challenges you are going through and I pray for you and your family when I see your posts.

But I also want to thank you for having the courage to be honest with us, because I think you're one of the few who understands and accepts why many of us here are single, or have chosen to be single for so long.

I try to keep a semblance of anonymity so that I can be open and honest about personal things. Without anonymity I wouldn't share some of the things I do, not for my sake, but out of respect for those in my lives who may be part of the tale told.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

I often wonder how many are in a situation that God truly called them to, or, for whatever reason, they are now in circumstances beyond or outside of God's will, and, heartbreakingly, it is killing them.

Despite everything I've been through since the day I married, I needed to marry and I wouldn't trade any of my 4 children for anything. I needed to have children and raise them and I got to do that. I'm eternally thankful that I could be a father. The suffering will all be used for good, if not in this mortal life, then beyond that.

 

[seoulsearch]

I try to keep a semblance of anonymity so that I can be open and honest about personal things. Without anonymity I wouldn't share some of the things I do, not for my sake, but out of respect for those in my lives who may be part of the tale told.

I've always gotten the feeling that you hold back a lot out of respect for the people involved, and many kudos to you for that!

That's a big reason as to why I've thought of cancelling out my current account and starting another one -- I know I've gone way too far overboard in some of my posts, and would hopefully do better if the slate were wiped clean (even though everyone would know it was me.)

Thank you for leading by example!

Despite everything I've been through since the day I married, I needed to marry and I wouldn't trade any of my 4 children for anything. I needed to have children and raise them and I got to do that. I'm eternally thankful that I could be a father. The suffering will all be used for good, if not in this mortal life, then beyond that.

I am very, very sorry for your suffering but if it's any small consolation, I know that part of the good your suffering has been used for has been through the positive influences you've had on the people here.

May God bless you and your family!

 

[Lynx]

2. Those who are generally happily married, but are always telling us singles we need to hurry up and do our part because we're not real or whole Christians if we don't get married. This group also frequently seems to appoint itself to try to "police" single's behavior through various shaming and preaching, apparently trying to curb all the debauchery they assume every single is committing.

Wait, what?!

Have I been missing out or what?

How do I get in on this debauchery stuff?

 

[LifelongLearner]

So glad i read through all your intro first, think my being a babies and children magnet must be the most standout thing. When shopping at the supermarket, children and tots wave and call out to me, at the vets, one child usually asks if they can stroke my cat, next thing i'm surrounded by a gaggle of children etc.

Definitely one of those others automatically like and trust but it's a lot of responsibility. Hate it when i have to say not at the moment or something and it upsets someone, so, many people think i suffer from the most headaches ever! Oh well

Forgot to say, i'm often pretty shocked by the things people tell me, not because they're that bad but they can be so personal, know i'd keep it to myself.

 

[ATSTD]

Before I accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, this was the case for me; I took advantage of the situation and slept with all of them, just one after the next. After about three years of doing that, I discovered a Bible on my friends aunts couch, where I was staying at and started reading it from Genesis. God convicted me and I actually felt empty for once. I reached out to every significant ex girlfriend I had and apologized to them.

After that, I slowed down my pursuit of women and mainly focused on fine art colored pencil drawing, acrylic painting and my third practice business, ‘Pixel Complex’. I ended up getting into a relationship, that lasted about a year after that, with an ex meth addict, who ended up getting her life together and is possibly married now. I wasn’t the father of her daughter but she let me name her, after her ex who impregnated her, left her. I named her daughter: Olivia.

 

[seoulsearch]

Forgot to say, i'm often pretty shocked by the things people tell me, not because they're that bad but they can be so personal, know i'd keep it to myself.

Maybe this means that person really needed to talk about these things, and you offered them the blessing of being someone who felt made them feel safe and comfortable enough to confide in. 💗

 

[BillyBob]

Who would like to look at my face and see a thousand eyes looking back at them?

 

[seoulsearch]

Who would like to look at my face and see a thousand eyes looking back at them?

Sounds like something from the book of Daniel, so it can't be all that bad!

 

[ATSTD]

Who would like to look at my face and see a thousand eyes looking back at them?

It depends on which 500 people are looking back at me.

 

[ATSTD]

Well, blocked them on everything. Every social media, every phone number, every email address, ignored on Christian Chat, every single website that I can possibly think of where we connected, even changed every shared password.

Been talking to my therapist about this for a while.

It seems like every time we’d break up, “someone” would like a post of mine and I would think, “oh, maybe they are back to who they are when we first met.”

My therapist gave me some very good advice, that change/repentance/forgiveness doesn’t happen over night. For some people, it takes months, years, decades or never.

It’s best to just walk away when they blame you for everything, don’t take any responsibility for any of their actions and act like they are doing nothing wrong and that they are some type of angel, incapable of harming anyone.

 

[LifelongLearner]

Maybe this means that person really needed to talk about these things, and you offered them the blessing of being someone who felt made them feel safe and comfortable enough to confide in. 💗

That is so true soulsis but it makes me feel so sad that clearly the adversary is having wild success, in making so many of us lose so much of our very humanity.

Go back even 30 years ago and people like me wouldn't stand out/be so needed, a sense of community with and responsibility for our fellow humans was still pretty strong. I possibly grew up at one of the best of times and would give 10 years of my life not to be young again. Had a good idea about what's going down now for a few decades, however, knowing about it isn't preparation enough for the actual experience. Worst nightmares stuff for sure!

 

[LifelongLearner]

That is so true soulsis but it makes me feel so sad that clearly the adversary is having wild success, in making so many of us lose so much of our very humanity.

Go back even 30 years ago and people like me wouldn't stand out/be so needed, a sense of community with and responsibility for our fellow humans was still pretty strong. I possibly grew up at one of the best of times and would give 10 years of my life not to be young again. Had a good idea about what's going down now for a few decades, however, knowing about it isn't preparation enough for the actual experience. Worst nightmares stuff for sure!

Was i trying to beat the world record for how many times you can fit so in one sentence?

 

[Lynx]

Was i trying to beat the world record for how many times you can fit so in one sentence?

So what? We won't dock your paycheck. =^.^=

 

[Sanders]

Something else I wanted to reiterate that Snacker's post reminded me of...

One of the reasons I appreciate your posts so much @Tall_Timbers is that you are openly honest about marriage being difficult.

There are several married members here whom I love to listen to about the happy times with their spouses, but if I can be honest, I've known of many more unhappy or at least very troubled marriages than happy ones, Christian or not. I've also known several Christian couples who went through separations, sometimes permanently.

Now of course, I realize marriage in one of the most personal aspects of life, and that many people wouldn't want to air their problems or grievances, but I'm thankful that you give us an honest outlook.

I seem to run into 3 types of Christians who are married:

1. Those who are generally happily married and happy to share their experiences, but still encourage and respect singles, even if they don't get married.

2. Those who are generally happily married, but are always telling us singles we need to hurry up and do our part because we're not real or whole Christians if we don't get married. This group also frequently seems to appoint itself to try to "police" single's behavior through various shaming and preaching, apparently trying to curb all the debauchery they assume every single is committing.

3. Christians who are married and most try to put up their best front, but behind it all, they're caught in some very bad situations. Some are downright miserable, but they don't dare say a word or admit it, because they know that's not the "proper" thing to do in the Christian community, and will be met with a slew of criticism if they do.

The majority of people I've met in life are, heartbreakingly, in the 3rd category. When talking to other singles, I know I'm not alone -- many singles I know have seen the results of troubled marriages within their own families -- and this is what makes so many of us cautious about marriage.

We all know that marriage isn't a car, or a house, or anything we can trade in for something else. We are well aware that marriage is permanent, and that's why some of us stand on the side for so long. It seems all to easy to get trapped into a bad situation -- and there is no way out -- except death. (If I were trapped in a bad marriage, I would pray continuously to God that I would die as soon as possible.)

But somehow that often gets seen as us doing something wrong, when I think many are just trying not to get ourselves into situations very few are willing or able to teach us about or admit.

TallTimbers, I am very sorry for the challenges you are going through and I pray for you and your family when I see your posts.

But I also want to thank you for having the courage to be honest with us, because I think you're one of the few who understands and accepts why many of us here are single, or have chosen to be single for so long.

And I know that I for one will always be appreciative of that.

Very kind reply to Tall Timber.

 

[LifelongLearner]

Well, blocked them on everything. Every social media, every phone number, every email address, ignored on Christian Chat, every single website that I can possibly think of where we connected, even changed every shared password.

Been talking to my therapist about this for a while.

It seems like every time we’d break up, “someone” would like a post of mine and I would think, “oh, maybe they are back to who they are when we first met.”

My therapist gave me some very good advice, that change/repentance/forgiveness doesn’t happen over night. For some people, it takes months, years, decades or never.

It’s best to just walk away when they blame you for everything, don’t take any responsibility for any of their actions and act like they are doing nothing wrong and that they are some type of angel, incapable of harming anyone.

Bless you sweetheart, think we had a really deep conversation on a thread of mine before? You sound like you're on the way up now, which is lovely to see. Full healing takes time but really think you're on that path, blessings and all that's good for now.

 

[LifelongLearner]

So what? We won't dock your paycheck. =^.^=

Made me laugh but glory Lynx! That was W.O.E (what on earth) stuff, thing is, bet it would be near impossible to do if i actually tried

 

[Sanders]

As I was doing dishes, I was thinking about a 4th group of married people/parents I have encountered and feel the most sorrowful for. They're a bit of a subset of the ones in the 3rd group I mentioned in the quoted post above.

These are ones who are so miserable in their situations that they encourage... Hmm... that's a bit too weak of a word. Rather, they STRONGLY INSIST that I should get married and/or have kids -- because they're so unhappy that they can't stand seeing anyone else who isn't facing the same things.

I remember a guy on CC (to my knowledge, he's not here anymore or I wouldn't mention it,) who STRONGLY encouraged me to house single moms with kids in my home so that I could "do my part" in helping to raise other people's kids. But the truth was, he was a stressed-out single dad and he didn't like that I wasn't also a struggling parent.

Another time, I had a co-worker who was always, always telling me I should be a parent. She told me I'd be fine as a single mom and that if so many others could do it, so could I. But I came to find out she was extremely frustrated by her relationship and a particular child who kept getting in trouble. One day she was in the bathroom (otherwise empty until I walked in,) and when I asked her what was wrong, she exploded, saying she wished she'd NEVER had that particular child (wishing she'd had an abortion) and that she HATED seeing me at work.

She told me, "I HATE seeing you walk by. I HATE knowing that you have FREEDOM and don't have to answer to or take care of anyone and can do whatever you want on the weekend. I HATE knowing all the things you could be doing but don't, because that's what I'd be doing if I HAD WHAT YOU HAD!!"

This was a Christian woman. Her whole life was steeped in church culture, as her family ran a church. But she was overwhelmed by where she now found herself in life, and I genuinely felt sad for her.

I've run into this more than once, so I know that when people are trying very strongly to convince me to do something, there's often other things going on under the surface. Some don't like being reminded that they could have chosen other things, so they want to make sure everyone else makes the same choices they did.

I have found that I am much better at conserving my energy and then giving my very all to a situation or someone in need in the moment -- but I can only keep that up for so long.

But if I don't have a way to be able to pull back, and into my own space, for an indetermined amount of time, my mental, spiritual, and physical health starts to deteriorate very quickly. I'm much better at serving others here and there when I can, rather than 24/7.

This is another big reason as to why I'm still single and don't have children -- I can't go 150% all the time like so many parents and married people are forced to do.

I often wonder how many are in a situation that God truly called them to, or, for whatever reason, they are now in circumstances beyond or outside of God's will, and, heartbreakingly, it is killing them.

I completely agree! Wow, those are some intense encounters you have had!

I could not agree more of all you shared if I screamed my agreement as loud as I can across this platform somehow so you could hear me.

Staying in one's lane and living one's life is a nice statement but people in unaware tones leak out their misery on those who have not walked in their shoes. It happens in church, office, and family. I know people who never married and are approaching 70 and content, but people wanted them to be married.

WHY?

I mean this is not our place, right? To live vicariously through others. You are right, there are usually reasons and it is not usually the person being targeted, that people will attack out of nowhere verbally with seething inner pain.

Going a bit further...... it is heart breaking to see all the married's (for quicker typing purposes) running ragged with their children in tow to thousands of sports events and church events as if this is their duty to prove to the world they are good parents? I see tired people all over who never slow down and suddenly I realize how blessed I am in my current situation.

I could say more but will reserve that for another time.

Much love and peace to you!!

 

[Sanders]

Despite everything I've been through since the day I married, I needed to marry and I wouldn't trade any of my 4 children for anything. I needed to have children and raise them and I got to do that. I'm eternally thankful that I could be a father. The suffering will all be used for good, if not in this mortal life, then beyond that.

Amen..