Hey Everyone,
This is going to be long -- so I apologize in advance. But I really felt God put this on my heart this morning, and, after praying, I was moved to write.
I've been asking God for some time why I don't feel that painful, gripping desperation to find someone like I used to, because it was an unbearable feeling. A simple, one-word answer came to mind -- my friend, "Lee" (not her real name, to protect her privacy.)
I wrote a little about Lee in my Survivor's Guilt thread. Lee and I are both adopted from the same organization, and she has dedicated her life to advocating for underprivileged children. We talk a lot about the state of adoption today (most are doing "trial" adoptions, in which people can send the child back if things "don't work out" -- very much like dating.) In the midst of exchanging stories that has filled both our eyes with tears, we were in the middle of a very public coffee shop, trying very hard to not maintain composure and not break down bawling.
We talked about the fact that we didn't know why God chose to save us from such horrors (she was telling me that in one country she visited, at least 90% of the children, both boys and girls, have been sexually assaulted somewhere along the system.) She feels even more strongly about her work now that she and her husband have a family of their own. We were both crying over the fact that there are so many children left behind, but we both concluded with strong conviction that God wants us to do what we can to help, no matter how small it seems.
Sometime in the 1990's (it's been so long I can't remember the year,) I went on a tour for adoptees to see their homeland. Nowadays, prospective parents are often required to spend several weeks in a country before they pick up their child, but back then, no one gave such things a thought.
My files say that I was found in a cardboard box at about 3 days old, taken to the police, and then landed here -- Holt Ilsan -- the orphanage where my own personal "Origin Story" began.
Ilsan mostly cares for differently abled and older children now, but we were also able to visit another orphanage that had toddlers and babies. (This is just a stock picture from Google, though I do have pictures of myself holding some of the kids from that trip.)
The most emotionally impactful part to me was being able to interact with, talk to, and hold some of the babies and children. One was just a tiny baby and absolutely screamed when I had to give her back to the caregiver. Oh, my poor heart! And I will always remember the set of identical twins who had completely opposite personalities. They were 4 years old.
One was happy and bouncy, smiling and laughing at everyone... But if you got too close to her crib, she would kick and fight. I didn't even know she had a twin until I heard a staff member talking about it, and had to actually hunt around the orphanage to find her.
And somewhere in the corner of the room, I found the sad, longing eyes of a little girl looking up at the other kids who were being picked up and help. The reason I couldn't find her at first was because she was shy, very quiet, and obviously used to being overlooked. She had just given up hope at getting anyone to notice her. I kneeled down to talk to her. She didn't back away, but she looked shyly at the floor. I gently touched her hand, and she didn't show any signs of resisting.
I placed her little arms on my shoulders, and when I did, she bear hugged me so tightly that I would have given everything I had to take her home with me. She was just used to being forgotten -- realizing that shattered my heart.
And when we had to leave, as I was putting on my shoes, she put her little arms out to me as if to say, "Please. Don't leave." I hugged her with all my soul, kissing the back of her hand, while trying to pick the pieces of my heart back up as we had to go.
I cried for days afterwards, and I still do when I think about her. I had asked one of the workers there if I could sponsor her and her sister, but was told that the two of them were in the process of being adopted. It was wonderful to hear, but not an absolute. I had sponsored another 9-year-old girl who had been adopted, but the parents gave her back after learning they were pregnant with "their own" child.
I don't know how the caretakers and people who actively work with the children handle it. I honestly don't think I could. I would be going postal after the first week.
When my former marriage was crumbling, a close family member said the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life, simply because of who it came from. This person told me, "I'm sorry you weren't woman enough to hold your marriage together," as my then-husband left in the middle of the day while I was at work for another woman.
And so, I began a years-long search to redeem myself. Not only did I have to find the perfect marriage for what I thought would be my own happiness, but I had to somehow do my part to restore the honor to a family in which divorce did not exist -- until me. My family never said this to me, but it's how I always felt.
I can't tell you what kind of pressure that was (enough to make me want to unalive myself several times along the way.) And to be honest, I never even know why it felt like so much pressure, because the natural Christian tenet that marriage is good -- so why was I feeling so miserable? I didn't realize at the time that making marriage my number one goal in life was actually killing me.
These past several years, something in me began to change. I have often asked God why.
And this morning, when I prayed about writing this thread, I believe God told me: "For you, there are more important things than getting married."
When God turned my heart several years ago towards Lee and her work in fighting against the prostitution and trafficking of unwanted or vulnerable children, suddenly the idea of flirting,, dating, and actively seeking out a husband didn't seem quite so important to me.
If you saw Lee and I together in person, it would probably make you laugh. She's always dressed to the nines and looks like model straight out of a fashion shoot -- even the barista who got our coffee told Lee she that looked absolutely perfect. Me? I'm the one in the loose jogging pants and a cartoon T-shirt!
I'm sure people were looking at us thinking, "Why is that beautiful, impeccably-dressed woman talking to that homeless bum?!"
But Lee's talent for personal style has a distinct purpose, as she is in a position (and has all the stress) of talking to the heads of corporations -- who have the power to grant million-dollar donations in the blink of an eye.
Lee also has a marriage and family life anyone would envy. They even have a personal nanny for the times when both of them are working (and they work from home.) And this is where God pointed out that He has been changing me. In the past (and not so long ago,) I would have been consumed in thoughts of how jealous I was of everything Lee had, and why didn't God do the same for me.
These days, I see things in a much different light. I see the pressure she's under, the responsibility she carries -- and I am more than happy to give whatever support I can and be a personal cheerleader from the side. And I know that this -- finding people to help and support -- is what God is saying is most important in my life.
I would like to encourage everyone out there to ask God what the most important thing is that He has for your life as well.
Is it marriage? If so, fantastic! Some of us CC'ers were in a chat in which a couple met and married, and we all joke about how God really had to work because at first, neither one of them had ANY interest in joining the chat (which is how they met!) And the rest of us singles in the group cheer them on as they conquer life's milestones -- together.
As for me, I know God is telling me to look in other directions, and if something happens along the way, great! (I mean, could you imagine if I met someone just as, or even more rowdy than ME?!) May the Lord have mercy!!!
And so, I told God this morning that I am thankful He has finally broken through to me with at least one aspect of this important lesson, given to us by the apostle Paul:
Philippians 4:11-13 -- "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."
If you have made it through my ramblings, I sincerely thank you. And if not, maybe I can come up with a Cliff Notes summary! (With love for @Susanna!) ❤️
But now it's your turn.
At this point in your life, what is God telling you is The Most Important Thing?
This is going to be long -- so I apologize in advance. But I really felt God put this on my heart this morning, and, after praying, I was moved to write.
I've been asking God for some time why I don't feel that painful, gripping desperation to find someone like I used to, because it was an unbearable feeling. A simple, one-word answer came to mind -- my friend, "Lee" (not her real name, to protect her privacy.)
I wrote a little about Lee in my Survivor's Guilt thread. Lee and I are both adopted from the same organization, and she has dedicated her life to advocating for underprivileged children. We talk a lot about the state of adoption today (most are doing "trial" adoptions, in which people can send the child back if things "don't work out" -- very much like dating.) In the midst of exchanging stories that has filled both our eyes with tears, we were in the middle of a very public coffee shop, trying very hard to not maintain composure and not break down bawling.
We talked about the fact that we didn't know why God chose to save us from such horrors (she was telling me that in one country she visited, at least 90% of the children, both boys and girls, have been sexually assaulted somewhere along the system.) She feels even more strongly about her work now that she and her husband have a family of their own. We were both crying over the fact that there are so many children left behind, but we both concluded with strong conviction that God wants us to do what we can to help, no matter how small it seems.
Sometime in the 1990's (it's been so long I can't remember the year,) I went on a tour for adoptees to see their homeland. Nowadays, prospective parents are often required to spend several weeks in a country before they pick up their child, but back then, no one gave such things a thought.
My files say that I was found in a cardboard box at about 3 days old, taken to the police, and then landed here -- Holt Ilsan -- the orphanage where my own personal "Origin Story" began.
Ilsan mostly cares for differently abled and older children now, but we were also able to visit another orphanage that had toddlers and babies. (This is just a stock picture from Google, though I do have pictures of myself holding some of the kids from that trip.)
The most emotionally impactful part to me was being able to interact with, talk to, and hold some of the babies and children. One was just a tiny baby and absolutely screamed when I had to give her back to the caregiver. Oh, my poor heart! And I will always remember the set of identical twins who had completely opposite personalities. They were 4 years old.
One was happy and bouncy, smiling and laughing at everyone... But if you got too close to her crib, she would kick and fight. I didn't even know she had a twin until I heard a staff member talking about it, and had to actually hunt around the orphanage to find her.
And somewhere in the corner of the room, I found the sad, longing eyes of a little girl looking up at the other kids who were being picked up and help. The reason I couldn't find her at first was because she was shy, very quiet, and obviously used to being overlooked. She had just given up hope at getting anyone to notice her. I kneeled down to talk to her. She didn't back away, but she looked shyly at the floor. I gently touched her hand, and she didn't show any signs of resisting.
I placed her little arms on my shoulders, and when I did, she bear hugged me so tightly that I would have given everything I had to take her home with me. She was just used to being forgotten -- realizing that shattered my heart.
And when we had to leave, as I was putting on my shoes, she put her little arms out to me as if to say, "Please. Don't leave." I hugged her with all my soul, kissing the back of her hand, while trying to pick the pieces of my heart back up as we had to go.
I cried for days afterwards, and I still do when I think about her. I had asked one of the workers there if I could sponsor her and her sister, but was told that the two of them were in the process of being adopted. It was wonderful to hear, but not an absolute. I had sponsored another 9-year-old girl who had been adopted, but the parents gave her back after learning they were pregnant with "their own" child.
I don't know how the caretakers and people who actively work with the children handle it. I honestly don't think I could. I would be going postal after the first week.
When my former marriage was crumbling, a close family member said the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life, simply because of who it came from. This person told me, "I'm sorry you weren't woman enough to hold your marriage together," as my then-husband left in the middle of the day while I was at work for another woman.
And so, I began a years-long search to redeem myself. Not only did I have to find the perfect marriage for what I thought would be my own happiness, but I had to somehow do my part to restore the honor to a family in which divorce did not exist -- until me. My family never said this to me, but it's how I always felt.
I can't tell you what kind of pressure that was (enough to make me want to unalive myself several times along the way.) And to be honest, I never even know why it felt like so much pressure, because the natural Christian tenet that marriage is good -- so why was I feeling so miserable? I didn't realize at the time that making marriage my number one goal in life was actually killing me.
These past several years, something in me began to change. I have often asked God why.
And this morning, when I prayed about writing this thread, I believe God told me: "For you, there are more important things than getting married."
When God turned my heart several years ago towards Lee and her work in fighting against the prostitution and trafficking of unwanted or vulnerable children, suddenly the idea of flirting,, dating, and actively seeking out a husband didn't seem quite so important to me.
If you saw Lee and I together in person, it would probably make you laugh. She's always dressed to the nines and looks like model straight out of a fashion shoot -- even the barista who got our coffee told Lee she that looked absolutely perfect. Me? I'm the one in the loose jogging pants and a cartoon T-shirt!
I'm sure people were looking at us thinking, "Why is that beautiful, impeccably-dressed woman talking to that homeless bum?!"But Lee's talent for personal style has a distinct purpose, as she is in a position (and has all the stress) of talking to the heads of corporations -- who have the power to grant million-dollar donations in the blink of an eye.
Lee also has a marriage and family life anyone would envy. They even have a personal nanny for the times when both of them are working (and they work from home.) And this is where God pointed out that He has been changing me. In the past (and not so long ago,) I would have been consumed in thoughts of how jealous I was of everything Lee had, and why didn't God do the same for me.
These days, I see things in a much different light. I see the pressure she's under, the responsibility she carries -- and I am more than happy to give whatever support I can and be a personal cheerleader from the side. And I know that this -- finding people to help and support -- is what God is saying is most important in my life.
I would like to encourage everyone out there to ask God what the most important thing is that He has for your life as well.
Is it marriage? If so, fantastic! Some of us CC'ers were in a chat in which a couple met and married, and we all joke about how God really had to work because at first, neither one of them had ANY interest in joining the chat (which is how they met!)
And the rest of us singles in the group cheer them on as they conquer life's milestones -- together. As for me, I know God is telling me to look in other directions, and if something happens along the way, great! (I mean, could you imagine if I met someone just as, or even more rowdy than ME?!)
May the Lord have mercy!!! And so, I told God this morning that I am thankful He has finally broken through to me with at least one aspect of this important lesson, given to us by the apostle Paul:
Philippians 4:11-13 -- "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."
If you have made it through my ramblings, I sincerely thank you. And if not, maybe I can come up with a Cliff Notes summary!
(With love for @Susanna!) ❤️But now it's your turn.
At this point in your life, what is God telling you is The Most Important Thing?
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