can you guys post something funny please?

[JimmyTheLock]

Room service in Asia

A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G:"What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS:"Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Sarah Finkel in room 302

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic!!! That's wonderful news!!!!!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Tearful Blonde Bride

A new young bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all
just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey
roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the
airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket
for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a
frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

The Ten Commandments – Redneck Style

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Maw and yer Paw.

(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another feller's gal.

(7) No muderin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Thanks for all the Warnings sent by Email!

(Concerning all the ridiculous stuff people send to others via email)

feel I must thank whoever sent me the one about rats in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer go on dates because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258 th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail research program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(CST) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's, ex-mother-in-law's, second husband's, cousin's beautician!

 

[JimmyTheLock]

The amazing Cow

A reporter hears about an amazing cow and goes out to the farm in Arkansas to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumors about his cow are true.

"Yep," says the farmer. "I got a cow that started moooing real loud when the house was on fire. She woke us all up and so we all got to safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That's some cow."

"And didn't the cow save your boy from drowning?" asked the reporter.

"Yep, she raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life," the farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye. We love this cow so much that we consider her to be a part of our family".

"Wow, I'd like to see this cow," the reporter says. "Well, come on over here. I'll introduce you".

The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pasture. There the reporter sees a cow with a wooden leg.

"Why does she have a wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "Well, you don't eat family members all at once."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

The fearless Pirate

A pirate ship was famous for it's fearless captain. The crew adored him. One day, as they were sailing, a shipmate spotted a British frigate. The captain called out “Prepare to be boarded”. Then to the captain’s mate he said, "Bring me my red shirt". They fought fearlessly and won.

A couple weeks later two British frigates were spotted chasing them. The captain called out, "All hands on deck. Prepare to be boarded." Turning to the captains mate, he said,” Bring me my red shirt". They fought fearlessly and won.

The crew wanted to know why the captain kept asking for a red shirt so they told the captains mate to find out why.
Later that night the captains mate, alone with the captain, finally asked, "Captain, why is it every time we come under attack you ask for a red shirt?" The captain, looking him square in the eye, speaking with a voice of confidence said, "When we come under attack, if I get wounded, I don't want the rest of the crew to see my blood. I want to inspire them to fight." The captains mate smiled and went back and told the rest of the crew.

The next day, a shipmate spotted six British war ships. Everyone turned to the captain to hear him inspire them to fight only to hear, "All hands on deck. Prepare to be boarded. Bring me my brown pants."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

The Graveside Service

Many years ago, as a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a derelict man who had died while traveling through the area with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. But I finally arrived an hour late, I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was no where in sight.
The workmen were eating lunch.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, (who looked puzzled) I stepped to the side of the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,. Praise the Lord and Glory, ( they must have been Baptist). I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat. I overheard one of the workers saying to another.
" I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, And I ain’t ever seen anything like this before."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

The horse just wouldn't stop

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplugged it.

 

[Genipher]

 

[BillG]

Just seen my neighbour stealing socks off my clothesline.
I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

 

[BillG]

I went to a zoo the other day.
The only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shih-Tzu.

 

[BillG]

At last….I've just remembered the word I've been trying to think of for two weeks.
It's fortnight.

 

[Genipher]

 

[BillG]

 

[Genipher]

 

[BillG]

View attachment 257208

I do love your sense of humour.
Thank you for the laughs.

 

[BillG]

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”

 

[Godsgirl1983]

At last….I've just remembered the word I've been trying to think of for two weeks.
It's fortnight.

I had to look this up (since I'm only familiar with the word "fortnite" referencing some online game different spelling) , but once I did it was FUNNY.

 

[TabinRivCA]