Need encouragement. Married to unbeliever

[AbidingInHim]

Hi everyone
Being married to an unbelieving spouse is so hard. We were both unsaved when married. We had a form or religion but not a saving faith. Now that I’m a born again believer everything has been a struggle. My husband calls me a Bible thumper or an extremist because I’m on fire for the Lord. It’s like he’s holding me spiritually captive. I feel like I’m being shoved into a box and that fire I have is going to turn into a bomb.
I can only go to church with the kids twice a month. And I can’t go to any Bible study groups or basically be involved in the church.

My kids go to a Christian school and I can talk to them about Jesus but that’s all he’s willing to give right now.
(He thinks I’m brainwashing the children)

I want to have fellowship with other believers and going to church twice a month is not enough.

If I challenge him and do whatever I want he will make it difficult for me. He will tell the children Jesus is not real and potentially take them out of christian school.

I want to be angry and hate him because of how I feel. It’s so hard to love those who persecute you.
I pray everyday the Lord gives me strength to love him. He needs Jesus… I fantasize of him being saved and being the spiritual Leader of the household and discipling our children together.

I can’t abandon my marriage because I don’t have grounds for divorce. That would only make things worse for my children. There’s nothing I want more for my children than their salvation.

Please pray for my situation

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

May I ask how old your children are?

 

[AbidingInHim]

May I ask how old your children are?

All three under 10y/o

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

I am going to offer you two pieces of biblical advice, and if you can keep the balance between the two of them, then I think that your situation will have the best chance to change for the better.

On the one hand, there is this:

1 Peter 3:1-6

"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement."

In the case of a woman with an unsaved husband or a husband who obeys not the word, you need to try to win him without the word. In other words, do not preach to him verbally because you need to try to win him without the word.

How can you do that?

Through your chaste conversation coupled with fear (as in the fear of God).

Conversation is an old English word that means manner of life, or lifestyle, or behavior.

In other words, let him observe your chaste devotion to Christ, and that can turn his heart. God's word encourages you to try to maintain a meek and quiet spirit around him as opposed to being proud and loud. That is not me accusing you of anything by any means. Instead, I am merely seeking to show you how God's word instructs you to handle your present situation.

On the other hand, this same Peter said this to a wife who agreed together with her husband to tempt the Spirit of the Lord:

Acts 5:9-10

"Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband."

In other words, even though God would have you to submit to your own husband, he would never have you to submit to anything evil that your husband might be doing. Your first devotion needs to always be to Christ himself.

If you can maintain a balance between these two things, then I believe that the Lord can best move in your present situation.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I am going to offer you two pieces of biblical advice, and if you can keep the balance between the two of them, then I think that your situation will have the best chance to change for the better.

On the one hand, there is this:

1 Peter 3:1-6

"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement."

In the case of a woman with an unsaved husband or a husband who obeys not the word, you need to try to win him without the word. In other words, do not preach to him verbally because you need to try to win him without the word.

How can you do that?

Through your chaste conversation coupled with fear (as in the fear of God).

Conversation is an old English word that means manner of life, or lifestyle, or behavior.

In other words, let him observe your chaste devotion to Christ, and that can turn his heart. God's word encourages you to try to maintain a meek and quiet spirit around him as opposed to being proud and loud. That is not me accusing you of anything by any means. Instead, I am merely seeking to show you how God's word instructs you to handle your present situation.

On the other hand, this same Peter said this to a wife who agreed together with her husband to tempt the Spirit of the Lord:

Acts 5:9-10

"Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband."

In other words, even though God would have you to submit to your own husband, he would never have you to submit to anything evil that your husband might be doing. Your first devotion needs to always be to Christ himself.

If you can maintain a balance between these two things, then I believe that the Lord can best move in your present situation.

Thank you for your reply
Yes I know preaching at him isn’t any way to win him to the Lord
I learned that the hard way in the beginning. I’ve totally stopped that and leaving that job to the Holy Spirit to convict him if that’s Gods will.
I just feel like I have to compromise so much. yes he’s not leading me into sin but I can’t do the things I want to do
I want to go to church more and serve there
And have fellowship
I can’t even pray out loud at the dinner table before meals
Only silently in my head.

 

[FollowingtheWay]

I will be praying for you.

You cannot force him to convert but you have a unique place and position of influence to reach this man where no one else has been able to reach at this point. You cannot go above him but you can call forth his masculinity in appropriate ways. Kinda sounds like he thinks he’s a tough guy, which he’s probably using that façade to hide how hurt, scared and broken he is inside. This is just a Holy Spirit prompting but Does he like to watch crime shows or action movies?

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

Thank you for your reply
Yes I know preaching at him isn’t any way to win him to the Lord
I learned that the hard way in the beginning. I’ve totally stopped that and leaving that job to the Holy Spirit to convict him if that’s Gods will.
I just feel like I have to compromise so much. yes he’s not leading me into sin but I can’t do the things I want to do
I want to go to church more and serve there
And have fellowship
I can’t even pray out loud at the dinner table before meals
Only silently in my head.

I understand. I have no idea what the laws are like where you live, but I know that, by me, a spouse has legal rights to take their children to church if he or she wants to. If you have that legal right, and you probably do, then, personally, I would use it. Just tell him politely and respectfully that you have a right to do so. If he were to try to pull the children from Christian school in retaliation, then that could cause him legal problems as well. Again, I am suggesting that you might want to enforce your legal rights respectfully. From what you have been describing, he is probably violating the law.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I will be praying for you.

You cannot force him to convert but you have a unique place and position of influence to reach this man where no one else has been able to reach at this point. You cannot go above him but you can call forth his masculinity in appropriate ways. Kinda sounds like he thinks he’s a tough guy, which he’s probably using that façade to hide how hurt, scared and broken he is inside. This is just a Holy Spirit prompting but Does he like to watch crime shows or action movies?

thank you for your prayers
Yes he likes dateline. etc.
Not into action movies.

 

[FollowingtheWay]

thank you for your prayers
Yes he likes dateline. etc.
Not into action movies.

Do you think he would he watch a drama about cops? Similar to shows like the rookie? Or blue bloods?

 

[AbidingInHim]

Do you think he would he watch a drama about cops? Similar to shows like the rookie? Or blue bloods?

No not so much

 

[FollowingtheWay]

No not so much

What I’ve got Is a list of particular movies that fit into a couple different areas of Christianity as it relates to a man’s daily life. Would he sit through a movie with you at all? If so does he like sports, like football? I can link the movie previews for you to check out and see.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I understand. I have no idea what the laws are like where you live, but I know that, by me, a spouse has legal rights to take their children to church if he or she wants to. If you have that legal right, and you probably do, then, personally, I would use it. Just tell him politely and respectfully that you have a right to do so. If he were to try to pull the children from Christian school in retaliation, then that could cause him legal problems as well. Again, I am suggesting that you might want to enforce your legal rights respectfully. From what you have been describing, he is probably violating the law.

I don’t think that would go over well at all
he thinks he’s compromising enough because
he’s letting me take the kids to church twice a month

I’m not nagging him to go to church himself

I just want the freedom to go regularly and actually enough to have fellowship

if he doesn’t want anything to do with Christianity well fine but holding me back like this is really frustrating

 

[AbidingInHim]

What I’ve got Is a list of particular movies that fit into a couple different areas of Christianity as it relates to a man’s daily life. Would he sit through a movie with you at all? If so does he like sports, like football?

He’s not into sports really. He likes soccer but not a huge sports fan
but I can try to see if he would watch one. Never know. Thanks

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

I don’t think that would go over well at all
he thinks he’s compromising enough because
he’s letting me take the kids to church twice a month

I’m not nagging him to go to church himself

I just want the freedom to go regularly and actually enough to have fellowship

if he doesn’t want anything to do with Christianity well fine but holding me back like this is really frustrating

I understand, but what I am saying to you is that you more than likely do have the freedom you are seeking legally. If so, then he is literally committing a criminal act against you and your children. Personally, I would check the laws in your area. If you do have the legal rights which I am suggesting that you probably have, then too bad if it does not go over well with him. He is not above the law.

Again, even if the time comes that you would exercise your legal rights, then you can do so politely and respectfully. In other words, you do not need to threaten him, but merely inform him that you and your children have a legal right to go to church, and then just go.

 

[FollowingtheWay]

He’s not into sports really. He likes soccer but not a huge sports fan
but I can try to see if he would watch one. Never know. Thanks

So what my theory is. He has probably never seen a man speak boldly about Christianity as a man to man kind of thing, probably thinks Christianity is for weak and women or he’s been severely hurt by a Christian at some point in his life. My suggestion would be to invite a movie evening like any other movie you would watch routinely , with these options and just let him sit with what he watched. Let him process what he watched without any discussion Or pushing of Christian conversation that he probably doesn’t want. Let him even walk away if he needs to without confrontation. I think something from one of these movies is going to stick in his mind and won’t let go once he watches one of these. It’s important that you not give any hint to him that they have Christian themes. Just your average run of the mill movies. The mere mention they are Christian is going to make him object to watching immediately likely. My suggestion at the moment . But be ready to handle whatever emotions they may trigger in him. He may appear to get angrier and worse before he gets better. When he comes to you about something that isn’t settling be ready to help steer him to Jesus the healer. Blessings sister in Christ and will continue prayers for you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r2MZi9M9QrE&pp=ygUQNyBkYXlzIGluIHV0b3BpYQ==

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4GAMs9mUHFc&pp=ygURZmFjaW5nIHRoZSBnaWFudHM=

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BRQaEJv9qIk&pp=ygUIV29vZGxhd24=

 

[AbidingInHim]

I would love him to watch that
it’s going to be super obvious if I invite a movie night because he knows I don’t watch any movies (hollywood etc)
So immediately he will say oh it’s a Christian movie. I tried to watch a case for Christ with him when I was first saved and he could care less and fell asleep.
But I will still try and maybe it will watch it. I do appreciate your idea though and your prayers of course

 

[maxwel]

Hi everyone
Being married to an unbelieving spouse is so hard. We were both unsaved when married. We had a form or religion but not a saving faith. Now that I’m a born again believer everything has been a struggle. My husband calls me a Bible thumper or an extremist because I’m on fire for the Lord. It’s like he’s holding me spiritually captive. I feel like I’m being shoved into a box and that fire I have is going to turn into a bomb.
I can only go to church with the kids twice a month. And I can’t go to any Bible study groups or basically be involved in the church.

My kids go to a Christian school and I can talk to them about Jesus but that’s all he’s willing to give right now.
(He thinks I’m brainwashing the children)

I want to have fellowship with other believers and going to church twice a month is not enough.

If I challenge him and do whatever I want he will make it difficult for me. He will tell the children Jesus is not real and potentially take them out of christian school.

I want to be angry and hate him because of how I feel. It’s so hard to love those who persecute you.
I pray everyday the Lord gives me strength to love him. He needs Jesus… I fantasize of him being saved and being the spiritual Leader of the household and discipling our children together.

I can’t abandon my marriage because I don’t have grounds for divorce. That would only make things worse for my children. There’s nothing I want more for my children than their salvation.

Please pray for my situation

This is a very hard situation, but you're not alone.
People have been getting through this same situation, by God's grace, for 2,000 years.

You're going to really benefit from some fellowship and counseling from older Christian women.
You can try looking for some help and support at your church, maybe talk to your pastor... pastors are used to this issue, they deal with it every day.
You can also try to meet some of the women around CC, many of them are very wise, and very kind.

What you must NOT do, is get too close to any men, even if they're Christian men trying to help you.
You need to keep some real distance physically and emotionally.
Anytime we're going through bad times with a spouse, we're very susceptible to building relationships with the opposite sex.
We can do this innocently, just to fill an emotional or spiritual gap... but those innocent friendships can easily turn into something else.



That's my advice, find some older Christian women to counsel you and support you through this.
Sometimes in this situation the husband eventually gives his life to Christ - there's no guarantee, but it does happen.

.

 

[Karlon]

Hi everyone
Being married to an unbelieving spouse is so hard. We were both unsaved when married. We had a form or religion but not a saving faith. Now that I’m a born again believer everything has been a struggle. My husband calls me a Bible thumper or an extremist because I’m on fire for the Lord. It’s like he’s holding me spiritually captive. I feel like I’m being shoved into a box and that fire I have is going to turn into a bomb.
I can only go to church with the kids twice a month. And I can’t go to any Bible study groups or basically be involved in the church.

My kids go to a Christian school and I can talk to them about Jesus but that’s all he’s willing to give right now.
(He thinks I’m brainwashing the children)

I want to have fellowship with other believers and going to church twice a month is not enough.

If I challenge him and do whatever I want he will make it difficult for me. He will tell the children Jesus is not real and potentially take them out of christian school.

I want to be angry and hate him because of how I feel. It’s so hard to love those who persecute you.
I pray everyday the Lord gives me strength to love him. He needs Jesus… I fantasize of him being saved and being the spiritual Leader of the household and discipling our children together.

I can’t abandon my marriage because I don’t have grounds for divorce. That would only make things worse for my children. There’s nothing I want more for my children than their salvation.

Please pray for my situation

try your best to get him converted. get people praying. in other words think, speak & act everything out that Jesus advises. your approach to him must never look too much, like he's the trouble maker. consult a Christian psychologist & pastor. i will pray for you.

 

[Cameron143]

Hi everyone
Being married to an unbelieving spouse is so hard. We were both unsaved when married. We had a form or religion but not a saving faith. Now that I’m a born again believer everything has been a struggle. My husband calls me a Bible thumper or an extremist because I’m on fire for the Lord. It’s like he’s holding me spiritually captive. I feel like I’m being shoved into a box and that fire I have is going to turn into a bomb.
I can only go to church with the kids twice a month. And I can’t go to any Bible study groups or basically be involved in the church.

My kids go to a Christian school and I can talk to them about Jesus but that’s all he’s willing to give right now.
(He thinks I’m brainwashing the children)

I want to have fellowship with other believers and going to church twice a month is not enough.

If I challenge him and do whatever I want he will make it difficult for me. He will tell the children Jesus is not real and potentially take them out of christian school.

I want to be angry and hate him because of how I feel. It’s so hard to love those who persecute you.
I pray everyday the Lord gives me strength to love him. He needs Jesus… I fantasize of him being saved and being the spiritual Leader of the household and discipling our children together.

I can’t abandon my marriage because I don’t have grounds for divorce. That would only make things worse for my children. There’s nothing I want more for my children than their salvation.

Please pray for my situation

As odd as this may sound, people aren't actually put into our lives for us to change them, but that God might reveal sin in us that needs to be dealt with. Pray for your husband, but also ask God to help you to love him the way Christ loves you.
Will be praying for you and your family.

 

[AbidingInHim]

Thank You all for your replies and prayers

I really want fellowship and to be involved in the Church more but at this time I can only go twice a month.

I want to keep the peace so I am submitting to his wishes. am I obeying man over the Lord? I still don’t know.

I tried talking to a Christian friend and he found out and was very angry that I was talking about our personal issues with her.

it’s hard to ask for prayers when I can’t talk about my situation to anyone for fear he will find out and things will blow up again

I do pray that God helps me love him like I should. To focus on his many good qualities. It’s just hard loving someone who rejects Christ and thinks the Bible is all brainwashing. When you’re told being born again is a like a cult and I must of been going through postpartum or too bored in life as a stay at home mom to be interested in reading the Bible. When he tells my family and his that I’m a Christian fanatic or extremist and I’m brainwashing our kids with Christianity.

I know in my heart I pray for his salvation just because I want him to be the spiritual leader of the household and for us to disciple our children together. It would be so much easier.
I want my boys to know the Lord and for them to be saved. It’s already so hard for Christian families to raise children these days with such an anti Christian culture.
I should pray for him not for my life to be easier but that I actually care for his salvation.
I agree that is my sin. My heart is not where it should be.

According to 1 Peter 3 1-6
I am to submit to my husband but not be lead into sin
So when we sit for dinner and I can’t pray out loud with the kids but only in my head, is that a sin?
Or that he doesn’t want me to attend Bible study at church and I don’t go to obey him

And only going to church twice a month..

All of these restrictions make me feel I’m compromising in my faith.