At the suggestion of a couple members, I decided to share my experience in this area. It's no instruction manual because, (as you can see from the title) it didn't end in marriage, but in tears and heartbreak. I hope someone can learn from the mistakes I made and save themselves some pain! I'm gonna be pretty vulnerable here so bear with me. Also it will end up being two parts probably.
So I was 22 when I realized this young man was interested in me. I was good friends with his family and was staying a couple weeks with them at the time to visit and help on their farm. During that visit, I was more and more attracted to him and was hoping and praying that God would give him wisdom, and to let him ask to court me. I knew I had questions, and some things I didn't agree with his dad about, but I also knew he didn't agree with his dad about everything so I consoled myself that I really didn't know how he felt.
I left their place after a couple weeks and was staying with some other friends for a couple weeks. While I was there, my dad got a letter in the mail from this young man asking permission to court me. I pretty much knew it was coming, and needless to say I was excited. So he and my dad talked a little and daddy gave him permission to come see me at my friends house that wknd. This was all new to both of us, it being both of our first courtships, and we were nervous and excited.
I remember right before our first visit, my friend I was staying with asked me, "So you've prayed about this, right? You're not just doing it because he's the first one to ask?" (which wasn't technically the case, but it was the first official, realistic request) I answered that yes, I'd prayed, but her question plagued me a little cuz I knew I didn't really seek God enough. I consoled myself that this was only a courtship and it wasn't like I'm planning a wedding. This was a time to figure out those things, right?
The first couple months of our courtship went pretty smooth, but something was missing. It wasn't how I imagined it to be. I wanted to marry a strong spiritual leader who was passionate about God, and this young man was not what I'd envisioned. I also was finding myself NOT as attracted to him, and these were both stressful and painful realizations. Finally I took a little time to seek God in prayer and His word about it, and I thought He gave me enough peace to proceed. I soon ended up talking to him about some of my concerns, which was really difficult to do. He listened and things went smooth for awhile.
About 4 months into the courtship, I later found out that he had called my dad and asked if it was okay to move forward into marriage. I was away from home helping a friend that had a baby at the time, and strangely around the same time he called my dad, I had started feeling really uneasy about our relationship. My mom called and asked how I felt about it by now and I shared some of what I was thinking. I mentioned one certain doctrine that concerned me and she advised me to talk with him about it. He, my parents and I all ended up sitting down and talking about it, and that calmed some of my fears because he seemed open enough learn and I was too.
But soon after that began a very rocky period in our courtship. I look back now and realize that since he'd asked about marriage and my dad had said we need more time (unbeknownst to me), he was trying hard to work through all our problems so we could get married. So many little issues came up and when we'd try to work through them, it would drag out and turn into these tiring emotional talks. I was so discouraged and my family was concerned about me. But I held on cuz I was attached to him at this point and I knew it would be really painful to break up.
I mentioned above that I was finding myself less attracted to him. That was something that came and went throughout most of our 10-month courtship, except the last little while. And it did NOT mostly have to do with looks. It was annoying habits and personality traits that I just didn't know if I could live with cuz they bothered me so much.
The worst part lasted about 2 months. And it wasn't all bad at all. We had some very good and meaningful times too. We started thinking seriously about marriage. His dad felt we were getting too close physically and thought we should either slow down or plan to get married, and of course we wanted the latter. (mind you, by being "too close physically", I mean hugs and him putting his arm around me. We never kissed or anything more than that).
But I could not make feel at peace with marriage, much as I prayed and sought counsel from my parents and other Christians. So I had to tell him how I felt, and we ended up "slowing down". (Fewer visits and phone calls, plus being more hands off)
To be continued...
So I was 22 when I realized this young man was interested in me. I was good friends with his family and was staying a couple weeks with them at the time to visit and help on their farm. During that visit, I was more and more attracted to him and was hoping and praying that God would give him wisdom, and to let him ask to court me. I knew I had questions, and some things I didn't agree with his dad about, but I also knew he didn't agree with his dad about everything so I consoled myself that I really didn't know how he felt.
I left their place after a couple weeks and was staying with some other friends for a couple weeks. While I was there, my dad got a letter in the mail from this young man asking permission to court me. I pretty much knew it was coming, and needless to say I was excited. So he and my dad talked a little and daddy gave him permission to come see me at my friends house that wknd. This was all new to both of us, it being both of our first courtships, and we were nervous and excited.
I remember right before our first visit, my friend I was staying with asked me, "So you've prayed about this, right? You're not just doing it because he's the first one to ask?" (which wasn't technically the case, but it was the first official, realistic request) I answered that yes, I'd prayed, but her question plagued me a little cuz I knew I didn't really seek God enough. I consoled myself that this was only a courtship and it wasn't like I'm planning a wedding. This was a time to figure out those things, right?
The first couple months of our courtship went pretty smooth, but something was missing. It wasn't how I imagined it to be. I wanted to marry a strong spiritual leader who was passionate about God, and this young man was not what I'd envisioned. I also was finding myself NOT as attracted to him, and these were both stressful and painful realizations. Finally I took a little time to seek God in prayer and His word about it, and I thought He gave me enough peace to proceed. I soon ended up talking to him about some of my concerns, which was really difficult to do. He listened and things went smooth for awhile.
About 4 months into the courtship, I later found out that he had called my dad and asked if it was okay to move forward into marriage. I was away from home helping a friend that had a baby at the time, and strangely around the same time he called my dad, I had started feeling really uneasy about our relationship. My mom called and asked how I felt about it by now and I shared some of what I was thinking. I mentioned one certain doctrine that concerned me and she advised me to talk with him about it. He, my parents and I all ended up sitting down and talking about it, and that calmed some of my fears because he seemed open enough learn and I was too.
But soon after that began a very rocky period in our courtship. I look back now and realize that since he'd asked about marriage and my dad had said we need more time (unbeknownst to me), he was trying hard to work through all our problems so we could get married. So many little issues came up and when we'd try to work through them, it would drag out and turn into these tiring emotional talks. I was so discouraged and my family was concerned about me. But I held on cuz I was attached to him at this point and I knew it would be really painful to break up.
I mentioned above that I was finding myself less attracted to him. That was something that came and went throughout most of our 10-month courtship, except the last little while. And it did NOT mostly have to do with looks. It was annoying habits and personality traits that I just didn't know if I could live with cuz they bothered me so much.
The worst part lasted about 2 months. And it wasn't all bad at all. We had some very good and meaningful times too. We started thinking seriously about marriage. His dad felt we were getting too close physically and thought we should either slow down or plan to get married, and of course we wanted the latter. (mind you, by being "too close physically", I mean hugs and him putting his arm around me. We never kissed or anything more than that).
But I could not make feel at peace with marriage, much as I prayed and sought counsel from my parents and other Christians. So I had to tell him how I felt, and we ended up "slowing down". (Fewer visits and phone calls, plus being more hands off)
To be continued...
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