Hey Everyone,
I didn't want to distract from the very interesting thread that's already going on regarding sperm donation and resulting possible single motherhood, so I thought I'd start a separate thread.
I was particularly interested in the talk about the uniqueness that God puts into every human being's DNA.
I am all too familiar with the issue of DNA in my own way.
Many know my story. I was adopted from Korea to Caucasian parents -- the story goes that I was found in a cardboard box in front of a theater when I was a few days old -- but just a few years ago, I read an article saying that at the time I was born, this was often the fairy tale social workers were instructed to tell prospective parents to soften any unknowns or realities that might have been much harsher (for instance, babies who are literally found in trash dumps because someone has literally thrown them away.)
I can only speak from my own experience, but I grew up with a huge hole in my heart, all due to the subject of DNA. "No, but really, who are your REAL parents?" I am asked constantly, even as an adult. My parents adopted because they were told they could not have biological children, and to many, all the focus seems to be on the missing biological component.
I grew up watching and hearing family members say things about my other relatives like, "Oh, he's tall like Uncle Don was," "She must take after her dad," or "Those kids look exactly like their mother," but when they got to me, they would shrug awkwardly and tell me, "My, how much you've grown!" I haven't gotten any taller since I was probably 13. It's just all they can think of.
And I do understand. But it doesn't make it sting any less.
Now I know this seems like a very simple, everyday thing, but for me, it was a constant source of grief and heartache. Every encounter was always a reminder that I did not belong or fit in, all because I did not have this thing called shared DNA. Fortunately, my parents are wonderful and have always emphasized that I am THEIR child, and that's probably why I didn't fall off the rails completely.
But I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in when I am around biological families who talk about strong resemblances, qualities that were passed down, and similar likes or dislikes. Now of course I know that DNA is no guarantee, and many children turn out to be nothing like their families.
But I have always wondered -- do I look like anyone? Am I am the way I am partially because the people responsible for me being here are, or were that way? Because I am very different from my family. As interesting as the debate of Nature vs. Nurture in developing who we are, I only have one half of the formula. And as the years ticked by and I felt my own window to have at least one child fade into the sunset, it started to hit me that I will never have a biological relative this side of heaven.
I know that DNA isn't everything. But we all long for what we don't have.
I have known two other Korean adoptees who were adopted by single moms (no fathers) and they turned out just fine. In one case, the mother had no interest in sex (I don't know if it was due to abuse or what -- I only know what her daughter, my friend, told me.) Therefore, this woman didn't feel it was right for her to marry (because she didn't want to entrap a man into a situation in which she knew she wouldn't be interested in sex,) and so she decided to adopt a child on her own.
The other thing about adoption is that in almost all cases, even among Christian circles, it is almost always seen as second best. I have known some adoptees who grew up to loathe adoption (because they grew to hate being seen as second best, or a last resort,) and would only accept having biological children themselves as an option. They believed that going on to have their "own" children would provide the missing DNA link they had been searching for all their lives.
I also remember a member we had on the site some time ago who preached that "real Christians" shouldn't adopt, because unless they were your own biological offspring, they were "fake children." (At least, those were the words he used.)
I do feel a hole in my heart knowing I will never a DNA connection. And again, I know it's no guarantee. I know plenty of people with biological relatives they can't stand or don't get along with. But like I said, we all wonder about what we don't have. And now all I can do is know and trust that God is moving me on. (For medical reasons, I know that my window is fully closed.)
And this brings me to a very interesting series of questions on the other side of the sperm donation thread we already have going on.
If masturbation is sinful (which is what I've always been taught, but we've had many here on the site over the years who disagree,) and the only way to produce sperm, I understand why people would believe collections for sperm banks would be wrong.
But then does this mean:
1. That the only people who have a right to biological children are those who can produce them naturally?
2. If a couple is married and one partner can't have children biologically, does that mean this couple has to forfeit the rights to a biological child? If the husband has a low sperm count, or if the wife can't produce viable eggs, does this mean that their only option for children should strictly be adoption and nothing else?
3. And as a flipside to the question about sperm donation, what about the other choices we now have?
4. What if a woman who can't produce eggs herself uses another woman's egg but her husband's sperm? What if her husband's sperm won't create a child, but it could be placed within another woman mechanically? What if the wife just couldn't carry, but their egg and sperm could be placed into the womb of a surrogate mother who was able to carry their child to term?
DNA is undoubtedly one of the most unique things God has created.
But in today's world, who has the rights, or not, to propagate it?
I didn't want to distract from the very interesting thread that's already going on regarding sperm donation and resulting possible single motherhood, so I thought I'd start a separate thread.
I was particularly interested in the talk about the uniqueness that God puts into every human being's DNA.
I am all too familiar with the issue of DNA in my own way.
Many know my story. I was adopted from Korea to Caucasian parents -- the story goes that I was found in a cardboard box in front of a theater when I was a few days old -- but just a few years ago, I read an article saying that at the time I was born, this was often the fairy tale social workers were instructed to tell prospective parents to soften any unknowns or realities that might have been much harsher (for instance, babies who are literally found in trash dumps because someone has literally thrown them away.)
I can only speak from my own experience, but I grew up with a huge hole in my heart, all due to the subject of DNA. "No, but really, who are your REAL parents?" I am asked constantly, even as an adult. My parents adopted because they were told they could not have biological children, and to many, all the focus seems to be on the missing biological component.
I grew up watching and hearing family members say things about my other relatives like, "Oh, he's tall like Uncle Don was," "She must take after her dad," or "Those kids look exactly like their mother," but when they got to me, they would shrug awkwardly and tell me, "My, how much you've grown!" I haven't gotten any taller since I was probably 13. It's just all they can think of.
And I do understand. But it doesn't make it sting any less.
Now I know this seems like a very simple, everyday thing, but for me, it was a constant source of grief and heartache. Every encounter was always a reminder that I did not belong or fit in, all because I did not have this thing called shared DNA. Fortunately, my parents are wonderful and have always emphasized that I am THEIR child, and that's probably why I didn't fall off the rails completely.
But I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in when I am around biological families who talk about strong resemblances, qualities that were passed down, and similar likes or dislikes. Now of course I know that DNA is no guarantee, and many children turn out to be nothing like their families.
But I have always wondered -- do I look like anyone? Am I am the way I am partially because the people responsible for me being here are, or were that way? Because I am very different from my family. As interesting as the debate of Nature vs. Nurture in developing who we are, I only have one half of the formula. And as the years ticked by and I felt my own window to have at least one child fade into the sunset, it started to hit me that I will never have a biological relative this side of heaven.
I know that DNA isn't everything. But we all long for what we don't have.
I have known two other Korean adoptees who were adopted by single moms (no fathers) and they turned out just fine. In one case, the mother had no interest in sex (I don't know if it was due to abuse or what -- I only know what her daughter, my friend, told me.) Therefore, this woman didn't feel it was right for her to marry (because she didn't want to entrap a man into a situation in which she knew she wouldn't be interested in sex,) and so she decided to adopt a child on her own.
The other thing about adoption is that in almost all cases, even among Christian circles, it is almost always seen as second best. I have known some adoptees who grew up to loathe adoption (because they grew to hate being seen as second best, or a last resort,) and would only accept having biological children themselves as an option. They believed that going on to have their "own" children would provide the missing DNA link they had been searching for all their lives.
I also remember a member we had on the site some time ago who preached that "real Christians" shouldn't adopt, because unless they were your own biological offspring, they were "fake children." (At least, those were the words he used.)
I do feel a hole in my heart knowing I will never a DNA connection. And again, I know it's no guarantee. I know plenty of people with biological relatives they can't stand or don't get along with. But like I said, we all wonder about what we don't have. And now all I can do is know and trust that God is moving me on. (For medical reasons, I know that my window is fully closed.)
And this brings me to a very interesting series of questions on the other side of the sperm donation thread we already have going on.
If masturbation is sinful (which is what I've always been taught, but we've had many here on the site over the years who disagree,) and the only way to produce sperm, I understand why people would believe collections for sperm banks would be wrong.
But then does this mean:
1. That the only people who have a right to biological children are those who can produce them naturally?
2. If a couple is married and one partner can't have children biologically, does that mean this couple has to forfeit the rights to a biological child? If the husband has a low sperm count, or if the wife can't produce viable eggs, does this mean that their only option for children should strictly be adoption and nothing else?
3. And as a flipside to the question about sperm donation, what about the other choices we now have?
4. What if a woman who can't produce eggs herself uses another woman's egg but her husband's sperm? What if her husband's sperm won't create a child, but it could be placed within another woman mechanically? What if the wife just couldn't carry, but their egg and sperm could be placed into the womb of a surrogate mother who was able to carry their child to term?
DNA is undoubtedly one of the most unique things God has created.
But in today's world, who has the rights, or not, to propagate it?
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When you mention the cardboard box I could not help but think of the basket Moses was found in
