A Financial Faux Pas or a Fiend -- Who Should Have Paid for What on This Date?

[zeroturbulence]

Hey Everyone,

I was reading a financial advice column in which a female reader presented this scenario:

She went on a first date with a guy, and they had agreed to split the check. But while they both had similarly-priced meals, he also ordered $40 worth of drinks for himself. And when the check came he only paid half, without offering to pay any extra or even for the full tip, even though the majority of the expense was his.

Now please note that I am NOT trying to make this a gender issue at all. It could have easily been reversed, with the woman expecting the man to pay more for the bill.

But I could easily relate to this and I would guess that many people here have been through the same thing.

Several years ago, the daughter of a prominent couple at church had just moved back into the area, and I told her I'd like to take her to lunch sometime as a welcome back. (I am also a gal, so obviously it was just a friend getting together with a friend and not a date.) We went to some kind of Applebee's-type restaurant, and when I told her I would pay, a similar thing happened -- along with her lunch, she started ordering drinks (at around $10 a piece.) She started with one, then ordered another when the food came, and when she started to order her third, I told her that I'd pay for her lunch and the first two but the rest of her drinks were on her. Like the girl in the advice column, I usually drink tap water -- that's not a judgment, that's just saying, if I offer to pay for someone's meal, I'm not figuring in 3 rounds of drinks along with it.

So the issue I am presenting here is NOT about gender, and it's NOT about alcohol (which is of course a whole other topic,) but rather, the issue is about someone trying to take financial advantage of you.

The scenario doesn't have to involve alcohol at all -- what if the other person ordered $50 worth of food and you order $20, and they expect you to split it down the middle? Or how about if you go out with family and they expect you to pay an even portion of the bill, even though your order cost less than what they want you to pay?

What have you done in these kinds of situations, or how would you handle it if you were?

I would not date that person in the first example again (if they were female). You were right to speak up. The last time I dated, we agreed to take turns paying. I pay one night, she pays the next, etc.. We never had a problem with unbalanced orders. I think it's just common courtesy not to spend much more than the other person when you know they will be paying half.

 

[Robertt]

i never dated a girl who can afford to take me out

 

[shittim]

This "person" took advantage of your good nature, 3 times in one meal.

 

[Lanolin]

I think in the applebees type situation
You dont say you'll pay - because clueless people think they can then order anything

You instead say you have a voucher for say $50 at this restaurant so she knows she cant order anything above that amount. If they want anything extra they will pay it.

as for dating in the park. um not always practical for some when its bad weather. I think a meal is a good way to get to know somebody aside from the cost otherwise if you want to just talk, you can do it on the phone, or skype usually for free.

Jesus said feed my sheep and my lambs, and he always ate with his disciples it wasnt all chatting. They went fishing a lot though. Just saying for singles who dont have expense accounts (or trust funds?!) it can be hard, but its a treat going out, you wouldnt do it every day..so it makes it special I guess.

 

[Lanolin]

at school support staff are given $15 to spend at the local cafe as a thank you. I think thats a nice thing to do, we can order anything we want, but we have $15 paid for.

 

[Lanolin]

$10 for ONE drink sounds very pricy. Just saying.

or maybe its those huge grande venti things

I recall going out with a friend, we got hungry so went to Wendys as on way home. We paid for our own. But my friend ordered a combo before she could say no, I just want the burger. She got a GIANT drink with it. and it was only a medium size cup they claimed.
You know how waiters or cashiers say do you want to make it a combo and then they charge it to you anyway. the pressure

she took maybe just two sips of it and left it on the table.
I dont quite understand how one burger can make you so thirsty you need a giant sugary soda to go with it.

Everyone knows you can ask for tap water for free and theres really no point paying for drinks at a restaurant or even a fast food restaurant. But maybe its just the hardcore drinkers who need 3 + drinks or a giant cup to go with their meal. They are just going to feel bloated

I wouldnt want to spend that much time going to the loo either. Unless someones got diabetes or cannot regulate their water intake, nobody actually needs to drink that much. Your food ought to already have liquid in it.

if you are going to drink, you would drink if you were thirsty. I guess I dont undestand that culture of always having to have a big drink with a meal. Im talking like half a pint here or Half litre/gallon. If you do have tea with a chinese meal, its always going to be a small cup out of a shared tea pot. But its not even that necessary. Its just to refresh your mouth really

 

[shittim]

One wanted to be kind and share a meal with a friend, the other person wanted to take advantage of a person and drink too much at the kind persons expense

 

[iamsoandso]

Hey Everyone,

I was reading a financial advice column in which a female reader presented this scenario:

She went on a first date with a guy, and they had agreed to split the check. But while they both had similarly-priced meals, he also ordered $40 worth of drinks for himself. And when the check came he only paid half, without offering to pay any extra or even for the full tip, even though the majority of the expense was his.

Now please note that I am NOT trying to make this a gender issue at all. It could have easily been reversed, with the woman expecting the man to pay more for the bill.

But I could easily relate to this and I would guess that many people here have been through the same thing.

Several years ago, the daughter of a prominent couple at church had just moved back into the area, and I told her I'd like to take her to lunch sometime as a welcome back. (I am also a gal, so obviously it was just a friend getting together with a friend and not a date.) We went to some kind of Applebee's-type restaurant, and when I told her I would pay, a similar thing happened -- along with her lunch, she started ordering drinks (at around $10 a piece.) She started with one, then ordered another when the food cameone morning , and when she started to order her third, I told her that I'd pay for her lunch and the first two but the rest of her drinks were on her. Like the girl in the advice column, I usually drink tap water -- that's not a judgment, that's just saying, if I offer to pay for someone's meal, I'm not figuring in 3 rounds of drinks along with it.

So the issue I am presenting here is NOT about gender, and it's NOT about alcohol (which is of course a whole other topic,) but rather, the issue is about someone trying to take financial advantage of you.

The scenario doesn't have to involve alcohol at all -- what if the other person ordered $50 worth of food and you order $20, and they expect you to split it down the middle? Or how about if you go out with family and they expect you to pay an even portion of the bill, even though your order cost less than what they want you to pay?

What have you done in these kinds of situations, or how would you handle it if you were?

That's because your looking at it unrealistic. I worked for a man in the 70's as a roofer, and two women came up one morning and ask him if he needed any help. He hired both on the spot and told them he wanted them to carry the bundles of shingles up on the roof and scatter them out. Neither of the two could put the bundles on their shoulder and climb the ladder so they just quit and left. It pays more to nail down shingles than to carry them up the ladder but I had children and I was the new guy so I did it. The two women called me a male chauvinist pig because I didn't quit and leave with them,,,am I?

 

[seoulsearch]

That's because your looking at it unrealistic. I worked for a man in the 70's as a roofer, and two women came up one morning and ask him if he needed any help. He hired both on the spot and told them he wanted them to carry the bundles of shingles up on the roof and scatter them out. Neither of the two could put the bundles on their shoulder and climb the ladder so they just quit and left. It pays more to nail down shingles than to carry them up the ladder but I had children and I was the new guy so I did it. The two women called me a male chauvinist pig because I didn't quit and leave with them,,,am I?

I'm not sure why you say I'm looking at the situation unrealistically or how your example applies to the questions being asked in the original post.

This thread is about how people react when someone tries to take financial advantage of them -- it's not about gender or sexism, it's about someone trying to get you to pay for their share of the bill, and it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman who does it -- it's just plain wrong. How is that seeing things unrealistically?

In your example, if the women couldn't physically do the work they were hired to do, then it seems pretty cut and dry. Either they quit, or the guy who hired them would just have to fire them. If these women held ill will against you because you decided to do the job for your own reasons, that was certainly your business and not theirs. We've all had co-workers who speak against us when we don't act or follow what they do.

Maybe I'm just not understanding, but how does your story fit with the original examples that were given?

 

[Lanolin]

huh I can't make head or tale of iamsoandso's post either, or how it relates to the OP so I'll just ignore it...

The other thing was going to add about friends taking advantage of your genorosity, and this CAN be a bugbear amongst friends, and even lead to cutting them off

- friends not offering gas money when you go out of your way to pick them up in your car (its not on the way to where you are going)
- so called friends go out shopping with you, but leave their wallet at home. I have had this happen on odd occasion that they just forgot, which is forgiveable but if they do it more than twice...might be a pattern...?
- friends dumping stuff in your spare room or garage and not collecting it for months, even years...
-friends saying will you buy them a drink! well, its mostly alcoholics that do this, but I dont really hang round with drunks and druggies anymore...it was never my scene, but it was theirs.
-friends asking you to dogsit for free and leaving the house in a huge mess for you to clean up to make it livable

haha well usually I forgive, and forget, but I learn better how to deal with those who become that annoying ' friend' who you dont even want to pick up the phone when they call you cos they just asking for another favour....

learn how to be a good friend, but dont be a doormat
somtimes those etiquette books can actually help...but general rule of thumb is be gracious or ask God for extra grace cos you are gonna need it!

 

[iamsoandso]

I'm not sure why you say I'm looking at the situation unrealistically or how your example applies to the questions being asked in the original post.

This thread is about how people react when someone tries to take financial advantage of them -- it's not about gender or sexism, it's about someone trying to get you to pay for their share of the bill, and it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman who does it -- it's just plain wrong. How is that seeing things unrealistically?

In your example, if the women couldn't physically do the work they were hired to do, then it seems pretty cut and dry. Either they quit, or the guy who hired them would just have to fire them. If these women held ill will against you because you decided to do the job for your own reasons, that was certainly your business and not theirs. We've all had co-workers who speak against us when we don't act or follow what they do.

Maybe I'm just not understanding, but how does your story fit with the original examples that were given?

It's been 40 plus years since I've been on a date and I suppose many things have changed over time. I thought Apple-bees was a grocery store but when I looked it up it's a restaurant,lol Ive never ate at one and cant imagine anything in a glass being worth 10.00. Anyway I apologize for my misunderstanding I saw "out to eat" and in my mind it was 1950 again,,,please disregard...

 

[shittim]

It's been 40 plus years since I've been on a date and I suppose many things have changed over time. I thought Apple-bees was a grocery store but when I looked it up it's a restaurant,lol Ive never ate at one and cant imagine anything in a glass being worth 10.00. Anyway I apologize for my misunderstanding I saw "out to eat" and in my mind it was 1950 again,,,please disregard...

I understand your post, the two women couldn't do the work that was offered, and lashed out at you since you could, they may have wanted something for nothing. I worked at a "liberal" university that had MANY women who I have heard some describe as "lebanese thespians", who wanted full time work pay and benefits yet abused any and all the benefits and coworkers, nasty, confused people lashing out at others, the "something for nothing" crowd. Yet in their confused mind YOU were the problem.
best wishes brother

 

[iamsoandso]

I understand your post, the two women couldn't do the work that was offered, and lashed out at you since you could, they may have wanted something for nothing. I worked at a "liberal" university that had MANY women who I have heard some describe as "lebanese thespians", who wanted full time work pay and benefits yet abused any and all the benefits and coworkers, nasty, confused people lashing out at others, the "something for nothing" crowd. Yet in their confused mind YOU were the problem.
best wishes brother

In the thread title the part of "...who should have paid for what on this date?" lol, I thought "date" like in the old days but I think things have changed so much that the same things no longer apply. I've never been on a date and not paid for the meal,tickets ect. Now I've been married for a long time and if my wife says "here I'll go pay" she also say's "give me your wallet".

PS,,,"my wife is also my wonderful girlfriend"...

 

[Magenta]

Now I've been married for a long time and if my wife says "here I'll go pay" she also say's "give me your wallet".

That's funny

 

[seoulsearch]

It's been 40 plus years since I've been on a date and I suppose many things have changed over time. I thought Apple-bees was a grocery store but when I looked it up it's a restaurant,lol Ive never ate at one and cant imagine anything in a glass being worth 10.00. Anyway I apologize for my misunderstanding I saw "out to eat" and in my mind it was 1950 again,,,please disregard...

No worries at all @iamsoandso, I really appreciate you taking the time to explain.

I really like hearing about other's experiences and it's interesting to hear your perspective from a different era.

I understood your example just fine, I just wasn't sure where it fit with the original post.

Now that you've provided some background, I can see why you shared it -- and the story about your wife made me grin. 😁

Thank you again for your time, and please feel free to join us here again anytime. 🤓

 

[Lanolin]

my mum just says whenever I suggest yum cha

YOU PAY

I supoose its direct and to the point lol

 

[Lanolin]

the 1970s and 1950s were weird
Im kinda glad didnt live in those times, people seem to have nostalgia for it but for many men and women they were actually brutal times where nobody really understood what they were meant to do or how to behave. when it was the 40s and there was war on, men asked women to keep everything running at home and do their jobs etc while they were off fighting and dying, then expected them to also clean up the mess afterward. Then in the 50s everyone was expected to have babies because half the population was killed. Then in the 60s a pill was intruduced to STOP people from havign so many babies.
by the time the 1970s rolled around everyone was on drugs.

 

[iamsoandso]

lol, the 40's and the 50's were the good old days for both men and women comparing things with 2022. The thing to it is to realize it doesn't make any sense for everyone to think and believe that everything they hear in the media or from history books are "fake news" and what they were told about the old days are 100% true at the same time. It's just best for them to convince everyone today is better to so they don't realize things actually got worse for everyone.

 

[Magenta]

lol, the 40's and the 50's were the good old days for both men and women comparing things with 2022. The thing to it is to realize it doesn't make any sense for everyone to think and believe that everything they hear in the media or from history books are "fake news" and what they were told about the old days are 100% true at the same time. It's just best for them to convince everyone today is better to so they don't realize things actually got worse for everyone.

Back in the mid seventies I made $5.00 a day in tips, working six days a week as a waitress in a greasy spoon for under $2.00 an hour. $1.75 an hour, to be exact. My rent was under a hundred a month, and a full bag of groceries might be $10.00, unlike now where it is closer to $30.00, and rent is more than a thousand a month now. Of course I could eat for free at the restaurant, so that was handy for at least one good meal a day Ha, one of my stories is concerning my boss there wanting to hire someone to help me wait tables/counter and tend the till, which I did alone, but, he was going to start them @ $2.00 an hour! When I found that out, I asked for a raise to $2.00 an hour, which he said he would give me after he hired someone to help me. I cannot repeat my parting words to him as I walked out the door LOLOLOLOLOLOL

I'd worked there for the better part of a year by then...

 

[iamsoandso]

Back in the mid seventies I made $5.00 a day in tips, working six days a week as a waitress in a greasy spoon for under $2.00 an hour. $1.75 an hour, to be exact. My rent was under a hundred a month, and a full bag of groceries might be $10.00, unlike now where it is closer to $30.00, and rent is more than a thousand a month now. Of course I could eat for free at the restaurant, so that was handy for at least one good meal a day Ha, one of my stories is concerning my boss there wanting to hire someone to help me wait tables/counter and tend the till, which I did alone, but, he was going to start them @ $2.00 an hour! When I found that out, I asked for a raise to $2.00 an hour, which he said he would give me after he hired someone to help me. I cannot repeat my parting words to him as I walked out the door LOLOLOLOLOLOL

I'd worked there for the better part of a year by then...

Something I think most miss in the comparison from then till now is that the vast majority back then could afford to buy land and build a house,buy a new car and eat and still have money left each month. Today both the husband and wife work and both their checks combined isn't enough to survive. Another is that the things we bought were not disposable like they are today so we didn't have to replace them over and over. I still have a 1971 f100,still runs and cant see me replacing it with a new disposable truck.