Many of these Asian nationalities tend to be very respectful towards the older generations. That appears to have been translated in the Philippines into the ladies there (filipinas) having a liking for older Western gentleman. I realise that can be motivated by their need to have a better lifestyle than what they have been born into.
I suspect the reason that the hard side of feminism hasn't reached into the filipina psych is because of the widespread poverty that's even evident in the big cities, and also because that as a race they are not known to be confrontational.
I've never lived in PH, but I have done a fair bit of research on it, so I'm not as ignorant of it as some may think.
One of the things that have turned some of us Western men off women of our own nationality is that the pendulum of feminism has swung too far, and now it's hard to find what most men are attracted to, and that is a genteel lady. So we look to a lady that's culture seems to offer more of that gentleness in their make up. We find many of the women of our own land to have become somewhat belligerent, and in-your-face types. That's a turn off for most men.
Hi Tony,
I know my post probably won't apply to your situation because I understand that you are in a different place in life, but I wanted to make a reply to this post that might be somewhat informative to other men who also believe seeking young Asian women is also the answer.
I can't say that it doesn't work, as of course it can, and it would definitely be easier if she and her family are already living in your home country as well.
I just wanted to share some things I've seen in my own circle. I once had family members who were raised in the Philippines and knew first hand about the culture. I've known about 10+ (international) marriages (one person leaving their home country to join the other in theirs) and they all seemed to have the same challenges.
I understand that Western men are weary of some of the attitudes that some women in their own culture have developed, but I would like to suggest to anyone who is considering an international marriage to please consider the following:
Men say they want a submissive Asian wife because she'll have traditional family values, but yet they somehow seem to expect to cut them off from the very culture and family who gave them those values without any problems.
Traditional family values will often mean things such as: if any children are born, especially a firstborn, it's often expected that her mother is to be invited to come over and help raise the baby for at least the first year or more. She will also be expected to support her parents as they grow older, both financially and if possible, by inviting them to live with her and her husband. She will be expected to support other family members, especially younger, with living expenses and schooling. And most especially if she's not working herself (which can be difficult -- some of my friends had to fight for over 2 years for his wife, who had 2 master's degrees in her country, to be able to work in the USA,) her husband will be expected to provide for all of this, and will be seen as not being a good provider if he doesn't.
One of the most interesting stories I have ever heard was from a man I knew who was Asian and married an Asian from another country, but they lived in the USA. When they divorced, he had it put specifically in their divorce clause that she could only take (leave the USA with) one of their children at a time to see her family in her home country. I asked him, Wouldn't their children all want to be able to see her side of the family together?
He explained that this particular country does not recognize the USA'S divorce laws, and if she ever had all of their children together, she could easily take them to her country, refuse to come back and he would never see them again because she would be fully protected under her own country's laws. I was watching a documentary saying that this is very common in this country, and that the non-native parent basically no longer has any rights to their children.
I asked him, "Doesn't this mean that she could choose a favorite child to flee with?" And he said yes, there was a danger of that, but this was his only option to try to legally ensure that she would bring all of their children back.
Now of course, Tony, I realize my post might not be for your situation, but I hope anyone looking for a more traditional woman from a foreign country would please consider these points.
The number one problem I've seen among my friends and family that comes close to breaking up these marriages is that a woman with traditional values (which most likely means she will be close to her family,) can't realistically be expected to then be a loving, doting wife after she's been cut her off from that very family. Sure, there might be a few who can do that, especially if they're not close to their families to begin with, but the guys I've talked to in those situations all said their wives became extremely depressed, bitter, and often resentful towards them due to their homesickness from being taken away from everything they've ever known.
I understand that someone might think that being married will be enough to make up for what they left behind, but chances are, unless a man can provide them multiple ways to stay in touch with the families who gave them the values they so persistently wanted, there is going to be some very serious friction that needs to be worked out.
The ones I've been around who seemed to be able to do this were the ones in which the wife was able to keep constant contact with her family, could go and visit them on a regular basis, or would pay for her family to visit her (which was ten times more important if children entered the picture.)
I once had a friend whose parents were in this situation, and she told me how hard it was for her mother to adjust to American culture. Her mother cried every day for years after coming to the USA, and when she had their first child, she felt lost because in her culture, the entire family chips in to the raise the baby (looking after the baby so she could take a nap, take a break for a few hours, etc.) and now she was expected to be a mother all on her own without any help, leaving her feeling overwhelmed and resentful towards her husband.
For couples that have children, discipline may also become a heated topic. The people I knew who were raised in the Philippines explained that what a Filipino mother might see as normally disciplining her child (as part of their culture) might very well be seen as child abuse and lead up to an arrest here in the USA.
I'm certainly not claiming to be any kind of expert. I can only share what's been personally shared with me.
Western men will talk about how poisoned Western women are and that the stereotype of a submissive, traditional Asian woman would be most most ideal for them. Which is exactly my point -- but what I've noticed is that they talk about what would be good for them.
Maybe I'm missing something, but there is never any talk of what will be good for the woman they are looking for when and if they find her, and how they plan to support the vast emotional wounds she may have after being separated from everything she knows -- it's as if they aren't even aware of the kinds of those kinds of issues.
I can't help but find it ironic that I often hear men say that all women want is money, so they believe the answer is a foreign bride who won't want their money and will just love them for themselves.
If only it were that easy.
I don't think they understand the amount of money that it's going to take to meet both her cultural expectations and the need to be able to stay in touch with her family -- through actual visitations, and not just the internet.
And I think most internationally mixed couples don't realize this until after they are married and the conflict comes out in full force. (Kind of makes me wonder if there should be a special type of pre-marriage counseling tailored to these situations.)
These are just a few things I hope people looking for these types of situations will consider.
To me, it's the Male Version of The Disney Princess Fantasy -- they want a loving, sweet, submissive, young and humble beautiful bride who will find all her joy in loving and serving their foreign husband in a new situation that will be completely unfamiliar to them.
Whether a man or a woman, we all know that fantasies just don't play out that way in real life.
I'm an Asian gal who has constantly been hit on by older (40's right on up to 80's and beyond) white men all my life because of the stereotypes you are speaking about.
It started when I was about age 15. People have always said I look young, so at the time, I most definitely looked like a kid -- which of course, seemed to be one of very the things they were attracted to, so yes, this is a topic I often speak out on.
I'm sure that you yourself have a genuine heart, Tony, and I wish you all the best.
But we have had men here on CC, often older, who state the exact same things you did in your post, and I think it's very important for people to take in more than one perspective.
Is God really raising up entire cultures of young women to completely and selflessly take care of the every need of older men? Only God can answer that.
But in the meantime, I just think that it's important for both women and men to let go of Disney fantasies and take a grounded, realistic approach.
