Have your life experiences made you a cold person / afraid to love?

[JStates]

Maybe a bit too personal of a discussion topic, but hey, participation is completely voluntary. I was feeling a bit gloomy and introspective today, so here we go.

From my personal experiences, I can say that nothing hurts quite so deeply as loving someone else wholeheartedly and having them crush or reject you. It's something that I've spent years now slowly recovering from, but it still hurts deeply even now if I let myself think about it too much. I wonder if the experience has made me a colder person out of fear of getting hurt. I was never exactly a confident Casanova to begin with, so...

Anyways, have you thought about this in light of your own experiences? Do you think that past relationship hurts have actually led to your sabotaging of other relationships -- subconsciously perhaps -- from a fear of trusting or committing too much or being vulnerable?

 

[Lynx]

Nothing of my own experiences to go on - I've never so much as been on a date before - but I'm real big on learning from the mistakes of others so... My father has been married twice, and left twice.

First one was my mom. She had an affair, then divorced him.

Second was a woman that he married MUCH too fast, because he was hurting and thought this would fix it. (I believe they call it a rebound.) The second one was mentally unstable and made his life rough for a good twenty years, then she took out a mortgage on the house to pay her medical bills and immediately divorced him and left him with a house with a big honking loan to pay.

So like I was saying, I've never so much as been on a date before. For some reason I'm just not all that eager to find True Love.

 

[JStates]

Nothing of my own experiences to go on - I've never so much as been on a date before - but I'm real big on learning from the mistakes of others so... My father has been married twice, and left twice.

First one was my mom. She had an affair, then divorced him.

Second was a woman that he married MUCH too fast, because he was hurting and thought this would fix it. (I believe they call it a rebound.) The second one was mentally unstable and made his life rough for a good twenty years, then she took out a mortgage on the house to pay her medical bills and immediately divorced him and left him with a house with a big honking loan to pay.

So like I was saying, I've never so much as been on a date before. For some reason I'm just not all that eager to find True Love.

TOTALLY understandable. So in your case, it's a second hand hurting, I'd say. Double whammy. You haven't seen "the real thing" in your immediate family which makes you doubly cautious. I'm curious, are you a bit skeptical that real love even exists? Just asking.

 

[Gardenias]

I fall in love very easily with everyone I have a personal relationship with and deeply love!

But when it's over,it's over!

The only love I have found leaves hurt is with immediate family!

Guess this makes me easy? Fickle? Not deep?
Maybe someone can diagnose me.....lol

 

[JStates]

I fall in love very easily with everyone I have a personal relationship with and deeply love!

But when it's over,it's over!

The only love I have found leaves hurt is with immediate family!

Guess this makes me easy? Fickle? Not deep?
Maybe someone can diagnose me.....lol

Hmmm. What generally causes these loves to be over? Loss of interest or breach of trust? Some of both? Not diagnosing, by the way, just interested in understanding human nature and myself.

Trust is hard. I'm a very dutiful and conscientious person, sometimes to the point of obsession or self harm. I know that some of my employers have taken advantage of my nature a bit in the past. Being a "reliable" person is very important to me, so if I say I'm going to do something, it hangs over me until I do it!

Even so... I'm sure I've been guilty of letting others down at points in my life, probably without even realizing it. But "reliability" - for me - is really important. Or "trustworthiness" if you want to call it that. Generally speaking, it doesn't seem like society is producing many reliable people, people who keep their promises and follow through.

 

[Lanolin]

well, not personally, but...the last book I read had this maddening plot twist. Turned out that the guy strangled the girl because she decided to tell him she was interested in someone else.

Is it a case of...if its not me, then you cant be with anyone else? Why would a guy kill a girl because she...changed her mind? Or could she perhaps have said 'you can BOTH be my boyfriends' and gone out with them both?

Or...would the two boyfriends have challenged each other to a duel. I dont know.

what do you think?

 

[Gardenias]

Breach of trust and unfaithfulness
I cannot hold to someone I cannot trust to be faithful..

I agree,my word is my bond and I say EXACTLY what I mean.

Had two cheaters, another lied about a relationship with his female room mate.

I don't play games with people's heads or emotions..

I'm old and seems as though commitment is an obselete word and action!

Like Paula Abdul said. I am "Straight up"!

 

[Gardenias]

well, not personally, but...the last book I read had this maddening plot twist. Turned out that the guy strangled the girl because she decided to tell him she was interested in someone else.

Is it a case of...if its not me, then you cant be with anyone else? Why would a guy kill a girl because she...changed her mind? Or could she perhaps have said 'you can BOTH be my boyfriends' and gone out with them both?

Or...would the two boyfriends have challenged each other to a duel. I dont know.

what do you think?

I watch a lot of murder shows. This happens all the time in real life.

I think people have become so psychotic that they only care about themselves!

 

[SimpleSheep]

My grandpa and dad both cheated many many times. That makes me very cautious about relationships and skeptical too. I've never been in love and in a way I'm kind of proud of that. I feel as if I'm pretty strong for never having felt it. I only want to fall in love once...so I'm very glad I haven't yet. I think it's my way of keeping people at a distance though. I know I'm not really strong. I can definitely relate to Lynx's post.

I don't think I'm cold...but I have my heart reserved. It has like this wall all around it to keep it safe.

I would like to fall in love someday...but I am afraid of it. Mom says the day I fall in love it will "hit me like a ton of bricks." LOL so comforting mom!

Good thread idea, brother!

 

[JStates]

well, not personally, but...the last book I read had this maddening plot twist. Turned out that the guy strangled the girl because she decided to tell him she was interested in someone else.

Is it a case of...if its not me, then you cant be with anyone else? Why would a guy kill a girl because she...changed her mind? Or could she perhaps have said 'you can BOTH be my boyfriends' and gone out with them both?

Or...would the two boyfriends have challenged each other to a duel. I dont know.

what do you think?

I have noticed you have a very unique and... inquisitive mind, sister...

But it does seem like this scenario happens pretty often, as @Gardenias mentioned. Usually with a shooting though, from what I've seen.

@SimpleSheep There's a lot to be said about guarding your heart; it's actually a Biblical command. I think it's important not to give too much, physically or emotionally, prior to a marriage. It's hard to know exactly where those lines are sometimes, however. My own heartbreak experience makes me think I invested too much emotionally in that situation.

My parents - at different times - both told me that one doesn't "fall in love," one "grows to love." While I'm not sure this is 100% correct, it does seem like the right way to build a lasting relationship if possible. My parents have been faithfully married for longer than I have been alive now, so I'd say they know what they're talking about.

That being said, I know that for some people, love IS like being hit by lightning, chemical, powerful, even instantaneous. Don't know how that works exactly. I think a relationship can start that way but something more is required if it's going to last.

 

[inukubo]

I've never loved anyone like that so maybe I'm still naive -- even though I have suffered the heartbreak. Fortunately, we never connected enough for it to be real love. Maybe someday I will experience it.

 

[JStates]

I've never loved anyone like that so maybe I'm still naive -- even though I have suffered the heartbreak. Fortunately, we never connected enough for it to be real love. Maybe someday I will experience it.

For a long time I wondered if a one-sided, unrequited love is worthless or not. It seems like a pointless expenditure of hope leading nowhere. But if it's a love loved for the right reasons, I think it still can be purposeful. And it can certainly change someone, even for the better, I think, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

God's love for fallen humanity was one-sided and unrequited. That's a challenging reminder to me. I naturally want a love to be returned and reciprocated. I think we all do. But maybe a one-sided love is actually more real in some ways than a mutual love.

...of course, it's a fine line between love and obsession, so yeah, gotta be careful with that, lol

 

[JStates]

Or...would the two boyfriends have challenged each other to a duel. I dont know.

what do you think?

Oh, definitely a DUEL TO THE DEATH of course, by the way. ;P

 

[Gardenias]

I don't think loving is hard it may be too easy as a matter of fact...my own fact ...lol.

I don't know however that I believe in true love from both partners..

I fell truly,madly, deeply (" Savage Garden") in love with my child at first sight.
If true love is supposed to be like that,never changes never ebbs,then I have never been there.

I compare that love to God's love but am not sure it's possible between humans!

 

[JStates]

I don't think loving is hard it may be too easy as a matter of fact...my own fact ...lol.

I don't know however that I believe in true love from both partners..

I fell truly,madly, deeply (" Savage Garden") in love with my child at first sight.
If true love is supposed to be like that,never changes never ebbs,then I have never been there.

I compare that love to God's love but am not sure it's possible between humans!

Not without grace, for certain!

This is one reason why it's so important to seek a partner who is a believer. If you both are moving towards God, then you naturally will become closer to each other as well.

Being with someone who is pulled in another direction will put a lot of strain on things.

 

[Lanolin]

Oh, definitely a DUEL TO THE DEATH of course, by the way. ;P

huh
I notice a lot of people dont quite understand what win-win means.
I thought if two guys liked the same girl, they'd just...either share her or clone her.

ok how bout the opposite what happens if two girls like the same guy?

Or, is there some kind of bidding war.

btw my eyes dont really go like that Its hard to get them rolling in opposite directions.

 

[Going_Nowhere]

My life experiences have made me bitter towards the idea of socializing in general. It's one reason why I prefer to be alone all the time....because of the negative experiences I've had with people.


There are pros and cons to being a recluse. On one hand, I'm sure it's nice to have friends and whatnot. On the other hand....no one can hurt you. Or think you're someone that you're not. And so on.


Solitude is a blessing and a curse.

 

[Lanolin]

How could you NOT fall in love with Ralph, Lisa Simpson?

 

[Kireina]

MY love experiences Hmmm... .. didn't make me colder...but there are times that my mind get stuck wallowing in those negative feelings...like... is waiting for so long even worth it in the end?

Why do some people find love so easy while myself been waiting for so long already...not that I am not trying or not taking chances...🤔 don't I deserve love ?

WHAT more I should do How much more I should give? Silly me 😁☺ But still I choose to hope,to believe,to trust God's words even if, even when (sometimes) I cannot see His ways... 😊

 

[JAPOV]

I still remember my 20s-30s... Back when I still believed in mutuality and unconditional adoration. When everything was Hollywood warm and fuzzy and romance was supposed to be mind-blowingly dreamy. I entered into every relationship with all those preconceived notions of what a man was supposed to be and how a woman deserves to be treasured...

THANK GOD I GREW OUT OF THAT!

Life experience has made me very selfish, but I don't think that's a bad thing.
I've been around enough to know what I REALLY need from a relationship... and at the top of that list is TRUST and RESPECT! Because you can't have one without the other.