Marriage Advice Please

[SophieT]

I spent the last 6 years living in Clearwater. Was about 5 miles or so from the gulf. Clearwater was a little less congested than Orlando and a few degrees cooler. Plus there was the occasional breeze. The air is always still in Orlando. It was my wife's idea to move. She used to live up north, has been in the Tampa / St. Pete / Clearwater area since 1979 and missed the change of seasons. I moved to Orlando from Michigan in 1985. We are both 66 and are not getting any younger. I am sort of retired but getting a little restless and might find a part-time job of some sort.

'
from Michigan to FL is quite a change

I am originally also from up north (Canada, so way up north) and love the seasons

I guess if you are used to working, you would not want to just sit around

 

[inukubo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As bad as the porn issue is, what is more troubling to me is your husband's behavior and the way he is manipulating you emotionally and showing zero concern or empathy for your feelings. These sound like classic traits of an emotional disorder and it is not likely that he will ever show much commitment to anything but himself and his own desires. I would encourage you to separate from him as soon as possible. Additionally, since he is already a sex offender -- yes, stealing others' phones to look for nude photos is a crime -- and as it seems no one in the church is going to report him even though they have a legal obligation to do so, I would phone in a complaint to the police. The only thing that even gives him a remote chance of correcting his course is for him to face real and serious consequences for his behavior. Further, the absolute last thing you want is to ignore the situation and some woman or child in the church or your own family becomes a victim to him acting out his sinful and abusive fantasies.

 

[tourist]

'
from Michigan to FL is quite a change

I am originally also from up north (Canada, so way up north) and love the seasons

I guess if you are used to working, you would not want to just sit around

Yeah, working since 1972. Need to get back into the game in some capacity. I grew up in Hazel Park, Mich which is next to Detroit. Been to Ontario a few times (Windsor, Sarnia, Sault Ste Marie, Niagara Falls). My wife was born in Indiana. My daughter still lives in Michigan in Lansing.

 

[HisKid]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As bad as the porn issue is, what is more troubling to me is your husband's behavior and the way he is manipulating you emotionally and showing zero concern or empathy for your feelings. These sound like classic traits of an emotional disorder and it is not likely that he will ever show much commitment to anything but himself and his own desires. I would encourage you to separate from him as soon as possible. Additionally, since he is already a sex offender -- yes, stealing others' phones to look for nude photos is a crime -- and as it seems no one in the church is going to report him even though they have a legal obligation to do so, I would phone in a complaint to the police. The only thing that even gives him a remote chance of correcting his course is for him to face real and serious consequences for his behavior. Further, the absolute last thing you want is to ignore the situation and some woman or child in the church or your own family becomes a victim to him acting out his sinful and abusive fantasies.

What is an emotional disorder?

 

[HisKid]

Yeah, working since 1972. Need to get back into the game in some capacity. I grew up in Hazel Park, Mich which is next to Detroit. Been to Ontario a few times (Windsor, Sarnia, Sault Ste Marie, Niagara Falls). My wife was born in Indiana. My daughter still lives in Michigan in Lansing.

What did you do for a living before retiring? Just curious. If you mentioned it before I missed it.

 

[tourist]

What did you do for a living before retiring? Just curious. If you mentioned it before I missed it.

In Florida I was basically in manufacturing in many facets - production, quality, process troubleshooter, etc. In Florida I worked in a fulfillment center that was the exclusive distributor for Nespresso coffee and accessories. Nespresso is a business unit of Nestle. Now, here in Tennessee I am basically vegetating. Strange as it may seem I miss working 50 - 60 hours a week. I had purpose. I've lost my edge. Getting soft. Feed the cats, change the litter box, do the dishes, get the mail, grocery shopping, and cut the grass. I used to do all of that stuff in Florida too along with working. Well, didn't have to cut the grass as our townhome was an HOA community.

 

[HisKid]

In Florida I was basically in manufacturing in many facets - production, quality, process troubleshooter, etc. In Florida I worked in a fulfillment center that was the exclusive distributor for Nespresso coffee and accessories. Nespresso is a business unit of Nestle. Now, here in Tennessee I am basically vegetating. Strange as it may seem I miss working 50 - 60 hours a week. I had purpose. I've lost my edge. Getting soft. Feed the cats, change the litter box, do the dishes, get the mail, grocery shopping, and cut the grass. I used to do all of that stuff in Florida too along with working. Well, didn't have to cut the grass as our townhome was an HOA community.

Who ever said we need to retire, anyway? I probably never will. I hope you can find something to do that gives you purpose again.

 

[tourist]

Who ever said we need to retire, anyway? I probably never will. I hope you can find something to do that gives you purpose again.

Thank you. At least part-time. Maybe I'll wrap my work years up by being a greeter and passing out smileys at Walmart. Throughout my working life I have always said that I will probably work until I drop dead. Carry me out in a body bag. Anyways, the extra money can come in handy. The thing is, I quit smoking and now would have to get through a shift without my smokes. Could be rough. Been smoke-free since mid Feb. One of the hardest things that I have ever done. Saved some money though.

 

[HisKid]

Thank you. At least part-time. Maybe I'll wrap my work years up by being a greeter and passing out smileys at Walmart. Throughout my working life I have always said that I will probably work until I drop dead. Carry me out in a body bag. Anyways, the extra money can come in handy. The thing is, I quit smoking and now would have to get through a shift without my smokes. Could be rough. Been smoke-free since mid Feb. One of the hardest things that I have ever done. Saved some money though.

Sorry to hear that about smoking. Quitting smoking wasn't hard for me at all, but I only did it for a few years. I hope it gets easier for you.

 

[Billyd]

Tourist, the greatest freedom that we have found in retirement has been to participate in our church"s ministries. The needs are great and the workers are few.

 

[Genipher]

Oh, I see. I have her on ignore, which explains that. Nice to meet you, Jerry.

Ignoring kinda causes confusion, eh?

 

[Icedaisey]

Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.

I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.

My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.

About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.

About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?

He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."

It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.

My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.

We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).

Am I crazy? Is there any one that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him into getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......

Your husband is a hypocrite and an adulterer. Addiction to porn is just that. Adultery.

And he's like this still because you haven't shown him his weakness costs.
I'd go to the elders of the church and report his addiction to them. Then, when he's away from the house at work or whatever, I'd pack up my sons and leave.

He's telling you his addiction means more to him than you and his family. And when he wants to have sex with you to satisfy what a porn video or image aroused in him, he's also telling you he has no respect for your marriage, marriage bed, or most importantly, you.

A man will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. His addiction, when he wants to have sex with you while imagining you're someone else, which is what's happening when he does this after watching porn, should tell you he's not beyond having an affair.

You tolerate his disrespect. A man will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.
You have a responsibility to yourself and your sons!
Because you are both role models for their growing into their manhood and future. A son will see the wife he witnessed his daddy give his wife.

You deserve better. Maybe if you leave with the boys, he'll wake up.

 

[HisKid]

Ignoring kinda causes confusion, eh?

At times, yes. Sophie announced more than once she was putting me on ignore and yet continued to respond to my posts, so I did it for her. lol

 

[Absolutely]

I moved to TN around 30 years ago...
I'm so ready to leave. My family all followed me here. (I've lived in most corners of the USA)

I moved into this place about 5 years ago and just began getting started to clear out and up. There's stuff still in boxes from my move here. Ugghhhh! Obviously gone to the dumpster now.

Don't misunderstand...I've enjoyed my time here and made tons of friends and good memories....but when you are itinerant by nature...I've been here too long...I mean people are considering me as a pillar of the community and everything... totally not my idea of a good time. I need OUT.

I gotta get light and move.

WHY AM I FEELING THE SAME THING????
not shouting...lol

 

[tourist]

Tourist, the greatest freedom that we have found in retirement has been to participate in our church"s ministries. The needs are great and the workers are few.

This is wise counsel and merits consideration.

 

[JohnDB]

WHY AM I FEELING THE SAME THING????
not shouting...lol

Well that 60's song (the animals) stuck as an earworm isn't exactly helping matters any. LoL.

But I once was extremely itinerant...moving every few years in wild shifts throughout the country.
Bay area CA to NW then to SE then to NE.... even a stint in Alaska....

International travel has helped...from South America to Slovakia...but it just isn't going to work anymore. I need a change of scenery. Maybe buy a farm and play farmer for a while.

 

[Imperfectum]

What does it mean to be qualified to be a Christian?

.[/QUOTE

What does it mean to be qualified to be a Christian?

.

If I may. John 1:11,12 says, “ But as many as received him, to them gave He power to become children of God (some translations, including the king James, say sons rather than children; but that’s a conversation for another day) even to them that believe on His name. Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.” In and of ourselves there is absolutely nothing that qualifies us to be a Christian. To be a Christian in the biblical sense (rather than the loose way in which the term is used today) is to be a follower of Christ, Christ’s ones, a name given to the followers of Christ in Antioch, not a name taken by believers for themselves. They are the redeemed of God, purchased by the shed blood of the lamb, chosen from the foundation of the world, and cold to follow in his steps. What qualifies us to be Christians? It is Christ in you. Rom.8:9 tells us, “ But you are not in the flesh, but in the spirit, if so be at the spirit of God dwells in you. Now if any man have not the spirit of Christ, he is none of His.” Further, Peter writes (as is understood, by the inspiration of God [2Tim.3:16]), “ Whom having not seen, you love; in whom, though now you see him not, yet believing, you rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. Of which salvation the prophets have inquired and searched diligently, who prophesied of the grace that should come unto you: searching what, or what matter of time the spirit of Christ which was in them did signify, when it testivied before hand the sufferings of Christ, and the glory that should follow. And to whom it was revealed, that not unto themselves, but unto us they did minister the things, which are now reported unto you by them that have preached the gospel unto you with the Holy Ghost sent down from heaven; which things the angels desire to look into. Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1Pet.1:8-13. What is that glory? Well, I believe it refers to a number things, not the least of which is this; “Even the mystery which has been hid from ages and from generations, but now is made manifest to his Saints; to whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Col.1:26,27. CHRIST IN YOU ! That’s what, or Who qualifies us to be a Christian. Christ, and Him alone. There is so much more to be said on this and so much more of the scripture teaches. Search out the word brother, prayerfully and on your knees ask the Lord and he will teach you and bless you in the searching. The Lord bless you and refresh you remind you….. “ But now thus sayeth the Lord that created thee oh Jacob, and He that formed thee oh Israel, fear not; for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.“ Is.43:1. ✌️

 

[Absolutely]

" i want to die like grandpa peacefully asleep, not like his passengers screaming in terror"

( i just saw this....anyone know where it is?)

 

[Absolutely]

someone tell her she has me on ignore...or not

Lol
It is ignore with an occasional peek.

....a forum dysfunction.....called ignoriod peekatosis

 

[Absolutely]

Well that 60's song (the animals) stuck as an earworm isn't exactly helping matters any. LoL.

But I once was extremely itinerant...moving every few years in wild shifts throughout the country.
Bay area CA to NW then to SE then to NE.... even a stint in Alaska....

International travel has helped...from South America to Slovakia...but it just isn't going to work anymore. I need a change of scenery. Maybe buy a farm and play farmer for a while.

Tell me what you think