How to Break up of a 10 year relationship?

[whitemoth]

I have been with my current partner for almost 10 years. He has been pretty much first official boyfriend that I've had. It hasn't been an easy relationship at all. I've been wanting to break up with him a few times before but I run back to him. I have plenty of reasons to leave him, but I don't have the strength within me to do it. I don't know why? I'm trying to follow the right path for myself with God, but it's difficult when I am weak to end this relationship with my boyfriend. He makes me do things I don't want to do, and when I don't do it, I feel bad for him and end up doing it in the end. He believes in God and generally he is a "good person" but he is not willing to follow a righteous path with God. We are completely different now, and he wishes for me to return back to how I was. I try to do it to please him, but I can't fool myself anymore.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

There is no man alive worth throwing away your happiness. You're not married, so you have the easy path of walking away and choosing to be obedient.

 

[tourist]

What @2ndTimothyGroup said.

 

[tstumf]

I have been with my current partner for almost 10 years. He has been pretty much first official boyfriend that I've had. It hasn't been an easy relationship at all. I've been wanting to break up with him a few times before but I run back to him. I have plenty of reasons to leave him, but I don't have the strength within me to do it. I don't know why? I'm trying to follow the right path for myself with God, but it's difficult when I am weak to end this relationship with my boyfriend. He makes me do things I don't want to do, and when I don't do it, I feel bad for him and end up doing it in the end. He believes in God and generally he is a "good person" but he is not willing to follow a righteous path with God. We are completely different now, and he wishes for me to return back to how I was. I try to do it to please him, but I can't fool myself anymore.

Follow What these other people have said friend. You have nothing biblical tying you to him right now. You are not obligated to stay. If you have these doubts now they will not improve with Marriage vows it makes things more difficult. The Bible says do not be unequally yoked for a reason . Ask me how I know. Mine started like yours except I’m a guy and now it is a marriage and let me tell ya it’s doesn’t get any easier. The Holy Spirit is talking to you and you need to listen. Do not doubt yourself . Mr. right could be just around the corner where you least suspect him. God Bless you sister and will be praying for you.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I have been with my current partner for almost 10 years. He has been pretty much first official boyfriend that I've had. It hasn't been an easy relationship at all. I've been wanting to break up with him a few times before but I run back to him. I have plenty of reasons to leave him, but I don't have the strength within me to do it. I don't know why? I'm trying to follow the right path for myself with God, but it's difficult when I am weak to end this relationship with my boyfriend. He makes me do things I don't want to do, and when I don't do it, I feel bad for him and end up doing it in the end. He believes in God and generally he is a "good person" but he is not willing to follow a righteous path with God. We are completely different now, and he wishes for me to return back to how I was. I try to do it to please him, but I can't fool myself anymore.

It's not easy because you've emotionally, and likely financially to a degree, invested much of your life with this person. That is no easy thing to break away from.
Consider that breaking up, after 10 years, is more than ending a relationship, but is a total upheaval of the life you now know. After 10 years your time, friendships and daily routine are tied up into one central point, and the idea of losing that is rather frightening.
Not to mention the emotional ties, the memories and experiences that you've shared. And leaving that behind, as well as the hopes of how you expected your life to go.
And, maybe I'm wrong about this, and you need not confirm nor deny it, but I'm guessing by your wording there are physical aspects involved. People who have physical relationships have a harder time breaking up than those that don't. It creates a unique connection to that person.

That you call him a "good guy" raises red flags, honestly. This is the common statement, and excuse, made by people in relationships with people that mistreat them. "He's a nice guy, till he drinks" is a common one.
And it's clear that he's not the nice guy you claim him to be. "Plenty of reasons to leave", "makes me do things". Nice guys don't get described in that way. Guys that know how to act nice to get their way are described that way.
He's got you emotionally trapped. And in such an unbalanced relationship as well. He can discard your feelings and boundaries to selfishly get what he wants, and he has no problem hurting you like that. Yet when you stand up for yourself you're upset that you hurt him and go running back?
I would basically describe this as an abusive relationship, and you fit the profile of the victim.

But here's the kicker. All those good feelings, good memories, good experiences, good times are clearly not enough. And the negatives are beginning to be stronger.
Each day that you stay is one day longer you remain unhappy. And one day of your life less to enjoy.
All that can lead to is regret. And nothing more. And let me tell you regret doesn't go away. There is no undoing or fixing the situations that cause you regret. The pain of a breakup is shorter and easier to deal with than a lifetime knowing you can't undo your bad choices. That is one of the deepest pains one can know. And leaving this guy may hurt now, but in the long run will make your life better.

 

[JerryInBoston]

I have been with my current partner for almost 10 years. He has been pretty much first official boyfriend that I've had. It hasn't been an easy relationship at all. I've been wanting to break up with him a few times before but I run back to him. I have plenty of reasons to leave him, but I don't have the strength within me to do it. I don't know why? I'm trying to follow the right path for myself with God, but it's difficult when I am weak to end this relationship with my boyfriend. He makes me do things I don't want to do, and when I don't do it, I feel bad for him and end up doing it in the end. He believes in God and generally he is a "good person" but he is not willing to follow a righteous path with God. We are completely different now, and he wishes for me to return back to how I was. I try to do it to please him, but I can't fool myself anymore.

Talk to him about Jesus and the gospel message. Tell him you've given your life to the Lord Jesus and that is who you are in love with. Tell him the absolute truth and stand firm. Life is already full of too many regrets, don't let this be one of them.

 

[whitemoth]

Talk to him about Jesus and the gospel message. Tell him you've given your life to the Lord Jesus and that is who you are in love with. Tell him the absolute truth and stand firm. Life is already full of too many regrets, don't let this be one of them.

I have but he is not willing to walk that life.

 

[whitemoth]

Follow What these other people have said friend. You have nothing biblical tying you to him right now. You are not obligated to stay. If you have these doubts now they will not improve with Marriage vows it makes things more difficult. The Bible says do not be unequally yoked for a reason . Ask me how I know. Mine started like yours except I’m a guy and now it is a marriage and let me tell ya it’s doesn’t get any easier. The Holy Spirit is talking to you and you need to listen. Do not doubt yourself . Mr. right could be just around the corner where you least suspect him. God Bless you sister and will be praying for you.

True, I've said this to myself. I honestly think he is not the one for me, but it's very difficult to break up with him. I don't want to hurt him because I care for him.

 

[tstumf]

True, I've said this to myself. I honestly think he is not the one for me, but it's very difficult to break up with him. I don't want to hurt him because I care for him.

I get where you are coming from. Its by far is not easy and probably even more difficult these days. I didn’t want to hurt anyone either so I fought my instinct to go and stayed cause I’m the quiet “nice guy” I Leaned into the relationship and married when I wasn’t ready though it had been years of dating and years of engagement. God and my relationship with him in this marriage were really not even a thought. That was my worst regret. I never should have stayed but we had seen each other long enough and I felt obligated to stay as we had premarital sex as well so it felt like a bond of sorts . I believe it snared me into staying unfortunately . Not saying there weren’t and aren’t good times in the relationship. I’m making the best of what we have and trying to bring God back to the front and center as he rightly needed to be before we exchanged vows but it’s proving to be a large battle. We have stayed together and to my knowledge we have both been faithful but There has been times it feels as though I’m caged and it almost breaks my spirit every time stop I realize had I of repented and chose to seek a Godly partner and marriage how things would have been so much better now. It’s ultimately in Gods hands friend and remember that no matter how bad you think you have screwed up Gods will for your life will prevail. He even uses our greatest disappointments and failures to work in our best interest as believers. Choose carefully how you wish to proceed but remember no mater what God will not leave you. He will correct you and sometimes allow pain in your life to steer you where he wants as he is doing to me right now but he never leaves you. God Bless you friend.

 

[Tararose]

I have but he is not willing to walk that life.

I speak from experience, put the Lord first and walk away now. You will always regret it if you don't. I pray for you to be strong and wise and to break free from the chains and the sin that you are ensnared it. Jesus died to set us free from the power of sin, we have a choice, let nothing and no-one stop you from pursuing God and obeying Him. Every other path, however easy it seems, leads to despair and misery in the long run. I learned the hard way, dont be a fool in this situation like I was please. x

 

[SigP226]

Quit him cold turkey and walk away. Let those you love and trust know you're going to and have them keep you very accountable. Delete and block any communication avenues.

 

[mindfulzen]

I have been with my current partner for almost 10 years. He has been pretty much first official boyfriend that I've had. It hasn't been an easy relationship at all. I've been wanting to break up with him a few times before but I run back to him. I have plenty of reasons to leave him, but I don't have the strength within me to do it. I don't know why? I'm trying to follow the right path for myself with God, but it's difficult when I am weak to end this relationship with my boyfriend. He makes me do things I don't want to do, and when I don't do it, I feel bad for him and end up doing it in the end. He believes in God and generally he is a "good person" but he is not willing to follow a righteous path with God. We are completely different now, and he wishes for me to return back to how I was. I try to do it to please him, but I can't fool myself anymore.

Do you love him? Is he compatible with your faith? Can you make him ee your point of view? Can you coincide with him, and keep a person you love ,and also be faithful to your faith? If it is about him being a you are, for your God, I think you are wrong. It must be personal for him, yu can only guide, not force. Why can you not wait til he finds the path you are on? Do you think God would want you to end a loveaffair you like, because he does not walk your path yet? If you love, and you would get heartache and hurt him also, if you ended it. Do you think God would want that? Create two miserable people out of a couple who loves eachother? Just asking questions. God wants you to be happy

 

[Tararose]

Do you love him? Is he compatible with your faith? Can you make him ee your point of view? Can you coincide with him, and keep a person you love ,and also be faithful to your faith? If it is about him being a you are, for your God, I think you are wrong. It must be personal for him, yu can only guide, not force. Why can you not wait til he finds the path you are on? Do you think God would want you to end a loveaffair you like, because he does not walk your path yet? If you love, and you would get heartache and hurt him also, if you ended it. Do you think God would want that? Create two miserable people out of a couple who loves eachother? Just asking questions. God wants you to be happy

God tells us not to a live in sin, or a place where we are tempted to sin, and also as Christians are instructed to not be unequally yolked - joined together with an unbeliever.

Faithfulness and obedience to God and resisting things that are pleasurable for a season are often not things we enjoy doing. That isn't the point. Jesus hung on a cross out of obedience to Father God, Prophets were stoned to death, believers round the world are tortured and martyred for their faith. It is part of us suffering with Christ, for righteousness sake. Those who suffer with Him shall also reign with Him. We are here to please the lord, not bend and compromise to be happy or to please an unsaved person.

How can 2 walk together unless they be agreed? What does a servant of satan have in common with a servant of the Living god? If they were married that would be a different thing, but as it is this lady is free to walk away and to do so knowing that she has done the right thing by God no matter what. Please be careful to offer biblical advice, so as to not lead someone into sin or to disobey the Lord.

 

[mindfulzen]

God tells us not to a live in sin, or a place where we are tempted to sin, and also as Christians are instructed to not be unequally yolked - joined together with an unbeliever.

Faithfulness and obedience to God and resisting things that are pleasurable for a season are often not things we enjoy doing. That isn't the point. Jesus hung on a cross out of obedience to Father God, Prophets were stoned to death, believers round the world are tortured and martyred for their faith. It is part of us suffering with Christ, for righteousness sake. Those who suffer with Him shall also reign with Him. We are here to please the lord, not bend and compromise to be happy or to please an unsaved person.

How can 2 walk together unless they be agreed? What does a servant of satan have in common with a servant of the Living god? If they were married that would be a different thing, but as it is this lady is free to walk away and to do so knowing that she has done the right thing by God no matter what. Please be careful to offer biblical advice, so as to not lead someone into sin or to disobey the Lord.

Yes, and that is personal for each of us. Really? We are told not to be together with unbelievers, as in marriage? I did not know that. Could I get a verse. I am not offering biblical advice, and not telling her to live in sin.I am saying that she shoud marry her boyfriend if she loves him., if the questions I offered her are answered for her, which is up to her to judge. I merely raised some more questions for her, so she could answer herself. I do not believe one spouce sins, if they are married to a person who sins. If so, nobody would get into heaven. And I do not want to judge her.

I just found out what love is about, from some couples podcasts, like love and marriage. And something became clear for me. You can grow together along the way. And love is more than desire. I can love a womans after it is done, love the person and what it gave me. Love is absence of hatred for me. And I love everybody. Maybe not conventional. But I have decided to live without any negative emotions, so I am dispassionate about stuff, and live in celibazy. So I will not fuel negative emotions for another spilling her heart. If I do that, I fail God. Read my comment again, nothing about leading her into sin, only for her to do introspection. I think it is important that people figure it out in their own heart, so if they leave, they leave without resentment.

 

[Tararose]

Yes, and that is personal for each of us. Really? We are told not to be together with unbelievers, as in marriage? I did not know that. Could I get a verse. I am not offering biblical advice, and not telling her to live in sin.I am saying that she shoud marry her boyfriend if she loves him., if the questions I offered her are answered for her, which is up to her to judge. I merely raised some more questions for her, so she could answer herself. I do not believe one spouce sins, if they are married to a person who sins. If so, nobody would get into heaven. And I do not want to judge her.

I just found out what love is about, from some couples podcasts, like love and marriage. And something became clear for me. You can grow together along the way. And love is more than desire. I can love a womans after it is done, love the person and what it gave me. Love is absence of hatred for me. And I love everybody. Maybe not conventional. But I have decided to live without any negative emotions, so I am dispassionate about stuff, and live in celibazy. So I will not fuel negative emotions for another spilling her heart. If I do that, I fail God. Read my comment again, nothing about leading her into sin, only for her to do introspection. I think it is important that people figure it out in their own heart, so if they leave, they leave without resentment.

God is Love. If a definition of love goes against God, and His advice and commands, it is not love, for it does not originate from pure selfless love which God alone has. He loves us enough to say NO when what we think we ""love"" isn't good for us.

Love should be to God first and others second. God shows us clearly in scripture, both OT and NT, His will regarding marriage between believers and unbelievers.

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

IS MARRIAGE NOT THE ULTIMATE PARTNERSHIP?

1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

Deuteronomy 7:3-4
You shall not intermarry with them, giving your daughters to their sons or taking their daughters for your sons, for they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods. Then the anger of the Lord would be kindled against you, and he would destroy you quickly.

1 Corinthians 7:39
A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.

ONLY IN THE LORD, OR AS OTHER VERSIONS CLEARLY PUT IT ONLY FROM AMONGST THE LORDS PEOPLE.

2 Corinthians 6:15
What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?

2 Corinthians 6:14-15
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?

James 4:4
You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

(IS MARRIAGE NOT THE CLOSEST OF FRIENDSHIPS AND CERTAINLY MORE INTIMATE AND CLOSE A RELATIONSHIP THAN ANY OTHER!)

1 Corinthians 9:5
Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?

(IE. NO RIGHT TO TAKE AN UNBELIEVING SPOUSE.)

There is no call for a believer to leave an unbeliever wondering what to do n a situation where one way goes against the will of God and the other does not. Yes of course it is her decision, but the word of God is her and our judge, this is not a matter of judgement but or making clear when one has asked. for advice, what the best biblical advice is, as this is a biblical site and the question was asked by one wanting to serve and obey God.

Hence telling the op what the word of God says rather than our opinions, for God IS her judge and He said it.

 

[Magenta]

I don't want to hurt him because I care for him.

Has he ever expressed any pain from your actions toward him? Regardless, it seems apparent that you care for the person you wish he was despite all the evidence of him being the person he actually is. You sticking around simply signals to him that his behavior is acceptable no matter what you say to the contrary. Have you ever sought help from your community? Perhaps CoDA would help (Co-Dependents Anonymous), which is a twelve-step program for people who share a common desire to develop functional and healthy relationships.

Symptoms of codependency

• a deep-seated need for approval from others
• self-worth that depends on what others think about you
• a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden
• a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace
• a pattern of avoiding conflict
• a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
• excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors
• a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved one
• a mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions
• guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
• doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy
• idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled
• overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment source

 

[tstumf]

Has he ever expressed any pain from your actions toward him? Regardless, it seems apparent that you care for the person you wish he was despite all the evidence of him being the person he actually is. You sticking around simply signals to him that his behavior is acceptable no matter what you say to the contrary. Have you ever sought help from your community? Perhaps CoDA would help (Co-Dependents Anonymous), which is a twelve-step program for people who share a common desire to develop functional and healthy relationships.

Symptoms of codependency

• a deep-seated need for approval from others
• self-worth that depends on what others think about you
• a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden
• a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace
• a pattern of avoiding conflict
• a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
• excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors
• a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved one
• a mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions
• guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
• doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy
• idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled
• overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment source

So myself being I have an inquiring mind about this. How would one know the difference between some of this co dependency signs vs healthy aspects of a Christian marriage? I’m not trying to take away the focus of the post here from Whitemoth. please pm me if you can help me with this cause my marriage is reflecting a bunch of these

 

[Magenta]

So myself being I have an inquiring mind about this. How would one know the difference between some of this co dependency signs vs healthy aspects of a Christian marriage? I’m not trying to take away the focus of the post here from Whitemoth. please pm me if you can help me with this cause my marriage is reflecting a bunch of these

In a healthy relationship, you are not constantly punished for speaking the truth of your feelings. This allows for an open exchange that encourages communication in a safe environment. Abusers often try to minimize the validity of your position using any means possible, which usually entails denial, manipulation, blame, and incessant attempts to control.

 

[whitemoth]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I have broken up with him already and I am currently in the recovery process. I know it's going to take a long time to heal from this, but in my heart I feel like I made the right choice. Now it's my turn to transform into the person that I was meant to be without being bound to someone. I am happy at the moment. I feel free.

 

[mindfulzen]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I have broken up with him already and I am currently in the recovery process. I know it's going to take a long time to heal from this, but in my heart I feel like I made the right choice. Now it's my turn to transform into the person that I was meant to be without being bound to someone. I am happy at the moment. I feel free.

Good to hear that you are happy about it. I also tried to make an end today with somebody it ended badly with a few years back. Reversed situation about religion though, I am the man and have become too christian it seems. I do not know how to feel about it. Some good, some bad. But I think I did what I was supposed to do, and am happy for her moving on. So perhaps your former one will evolve into thinking like that, when he realize the love you showed him, by putting yourself second for him. Mayby in your case, it can make a change in him, and you have a chance after that, if you just did it. Build your strength for now, when stronger, go back and meet somebody. Wish you all the best.