I think you are confusing protective control (which is good) with abusive control (which is bad).
When a husband does not care about her wife, he can either choose not to control her at all (apathy), or to control her in an abusive way (selfishness). Both are equally bad, in my opinion, because in both cases the wife is invisible. Abusive control has the only purpose of satisfying oneself, without caring about the other party. Husband believes wife is a good without mind he has purchased to stimulate his own ego, she is basically a sex doll in his head. If there is a problem of any kind, the problem is only her. Abusive control often involves hypocritical behavior. If he wants attention, he deserves it without doubt. If she wants, something is wrong with her. She cant drink a small cup of beer but he can drink bottles of vodka. She cant go alone to buy food but he can go to clubs every Saturday. And she has to accept and even agree with it. And he justifies his double standards with things like "men are naturally polyamorous" etc. This is the biggest trait of abuse in a marriage (or relationship). The husband treats her wife not like the weaker sex, but like a mere object of pleasure. But often, the problem is misidentified. Many view control itself as the problem, not the way and purpose it is done for. And as such, they fall in the opposite error. She is free to do whatever she wants. She can go on a trip alone to Cuba or Maldives even if her intentions are clear. She can be 6 hours outside home everyday and she does not have to tell what she does during this time. She can go out alone with makeup and an attractive dress even if she does never dress this way for her husband. And at the minimum complaint, you are a misogynyst oppressive macho who wants to put her a burqa. Lets get real, this is nothing good either. Contrary to what it may seem, it actually shows how little you care about your wife, too. The base problem is the same, lack of love for your spouse. What if she gets unexpectedly pregnant and gives birth to a mixed race child ? You cant judge her, she is a free independent woman and she has took a decision herself, is just another way of saying, she is invisible in my eyes and she worths nothing in my life. You have turned an active abuse into a passive abuse. She is not a doll without brain, she is not a goddess without fail. She is an human who can think good and bad. And as such, some control is needed.
Protective control on the other hand occurs when the husband truly cares about her wife as much as himself. He establishes boundaries for both her and himself. He does this because he knows both his wife and himself are imperfect human beings and need to behave with caution. As such, this control is made for the common good and not only for the good of one. And the biggest trait of a protective, love based control is consistency. She cant light a cigarette, but he cant touch one either. She cant masturbate, but he cant be naughty alone either. She cant hide her phone, but his phone must be at her sight as well. Boundaries for her, boundaries for him. In fact, it is not a bad idea to treat her better than you treat yourself in some aspects. For example, when it comes to work roles. Do you know why would I want my wife to stay home calm and not get a job ? Because I want to protect her from the stress of the labor market. She is better at home calmly and lovingly doing the household chores while I charge with the stress and bring the money. A more selfish man would just throw her to the market and let her get a job in order not to find himself in disadvantage. This is how much I would love her. Becoming her second father. I would protect her because I would love and care for her. And protection requires control.
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