I believe that I am finally confident in my identity. I feel like maybe thats what you are getting at, is it?
I wasn't always, I thought I knew who I was but it was all a facade. I didn't know who I really was until I started taking my relationship with God more seriously. My man really broke my heart a few times over, but I forgave him because God said to. If I wouldnt have been told that this dude is my God ordained husband, I would not be bothering with him.
I believe that he was the one that lacked confidence. Because of that he projected his insecurities onto me and didn't go to God at all, like ever. I find it hard to trust him because of our past and I dont know how to get myself to trust again. Is it going to be some kind of supernatural occurance or is it quite literally just a choice that I have to make? Life's questions can be quite trivial sometimes.
I would like to say thank you for being brave enough to share your testimony with me. Not everyone has the courage to talk about the bad stuff but you did, so props to you! I am grateful to have had this exchange with you.
And I am thankful for this exchange with you as well . . . I enjoy using my life-pain as medicine for others. That is how I deal with the pain of my past, current, and assured future.
I will tell you this: As a man if my woman ever cheated on me, I feel that it would be impossible for my body to ever be able to "perform" for her again. I am far too sensitive and I'd never be able to get past the fact that she gave what was mine to another man. Anyone who is capable of getting over such a thing . . . superhuman!
I'd also like to share this little idea that I had a few months ago. Ok . . . so the last woman that I was intimate with, was during the time that the Lord Indwelt me Powerful in the middle of the Arizona Desert. This happened during my sinful relationship with my former girlfriend. I am convinced that I was being tested; tested to choose either this incredible gorgeous woman whom I had discovered the most incredible way to be intimate, or to choose my Jesus Christ. I chose Jesus and I walked away!
It's been years and I haven't even approached a woman for a date, let alone touch one in whom I felt desire. I have abandoned the idea of marriage and intimacy entirely, however, it seemed right to leave open the idea that I could one day marry this last and final woman in whom I had slept with. Simply put, I was burning in lust for her. And though she had slept with other men while I had remained faithful to our intimacy, I was still burning in lust, and Paul is clear that it is better to remarry than burn in lust. In one of my moments of "burning in lust" for this remarkable body of flesh, I was convinced that God "gave her to me." I was convinced that the Lord had opened our combined hearts, and that we would come together in marriage and be rewarded with what we both want so badly. And yes, she wanted me as much as I wanted her . . . physically. The problem is that I was prepared to Truly Love her, and that meant total service; total Love; total honor; total respect; total dignity; total admiration . . . but she was prepared to marry for the sex alone.
Our last conversation was so bizarre, backward, and utterly twisted . . . I no longer pursue her simple friendship. In fact, I don't care to ever speak to her again. But . . . I was convinced that the Lord had given me His Holy Approval. I was wrong . . . and at the expense of appearing to brag, I am not wrong very often. I was shattered. I almost couldn't believe that I was wrong in assuming that the ultra-strong feeling that I had within the depth of my heart and soul for her. How could this be?! But the Truth is, is that I could never be with anyone who spoke to me as she did . . . with such utter lunacy. And though I was convinced that the Lord had said His "Yes" to me (regarding this worldly angel), I refuse to be treated as anything less than Loved, honored, respected, treated with dignity, and even admiration. If my woman doesn't admire me, then what's the point. Even though I felt that the door was open to her, and I would think and believe the same thing if I had such strong conviction, I will not waste one more moment on the hopes of having the best sex on the planet. I refuse all worldly goodness in exchange for my dignity and pride.
In another sinful relationship of mine, I landed a former Philipina model who happened to have four million in the bank, not to mention her assets throughout the world. Wow . . . not bad! Unfortunately, she was rude, cruel, and mean. I tolerated that for a couple of months, trying to find a way within myself to endure her insanity . . . I couldn't do it. I have always told myself, "I am not a piece of crap that can be treated in these ways." I wasn't mean or cruel to her, but we parted ways after just a couple of months.
I see your photo/avatar . . . you should have no doubts of yourself. You've been in Babylon, my friend . . . it's time to set yourself free.
Leviticus 26:13 NLT - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves.
I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high."