What Causes Divorce/Can it Really be Prevented?

Lenoralana · Apr 1, 2021

Since I have been single all my life so far, and my parents have always been together, I have never... exactly been directly effected by divorce, although my dad was because his parents were divorced... and it seems like at least half my friends were/are people who've been divorced or their parents were divorced or possibly both.

I also just want to be clear here that I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who has been divorced or affected by divorce in any way. ^^; But... there has been something pressing on my mind this evening that I would like to hear some opinions on.

A little while back, I read a lot of relationship advice on Quora posts from a variety of people on a few different types of relationship-advice-seeking-questions. One thing that caught my attention was just how many people kept giving numerous advice for red flags... sometimes excessively so.

I know that some of that could be important, because you don't want to get trapped in a bad, toxic, or possibly abusive marriage.

But the thing is... I can't help but wonder if sometimes, in some cases at least, the fact that divorce is legal (and in some ways, especially in this day and age, marriage almost seems... optional at times), well...

Are the excessive lists of "red flags" a result of too many people in the modern era who just want an easy-in-and-easy-out, or could that list of red flags have actually been useful in past decades when divorce was more frowned upon? I suppose it would depend on each couple and each situation. Or in some ways, maybe all of this could also be the result of too many people with too much free time on their hands to sit on their computers and be nitpicky.

It's just.... when it comes to SOME of the red flags lists I've looked at... there are some areas where I almost feel like the excessiveness of what to look out for and what not to put up with sorta boils down to, "Your potential spouse can't be human."

It seems to me that an old-fashioned phrase that has long since been lost is "Stick it out and tough it out". (This does not apply to abusive relationships or if there is a lot of excessive cheating going on... but it does seem like it's much easier and convenient to break it off these days.)

Roughsoul1991 · Apr 2, 2021

Lenoralana said:

Since I have been single all my life so far, and my parents have always been together, I have never... exactly been directly effected by divorce, although my dad was because his parents were divorced... and it seems like at least half my friends were/are people who've been divorced or their parents were divorced or possibly both.

I also just want to be clear here that I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who has been divorced or affected by divorce in any way. ^^; But... there has been something pressing on my mind this evening that I would like to hear some opinions on.

A little while back, I read a lot of relationship advice on Quora posts from a variety of people on a few different types of relationship-advice-seeking-questions. One thing that caught my attention was just how many people kept giving numerous advice for red flags... sometimes excessively so.

I know that some of that could be important, because you don't want to get trapped in a bad, toxic, or possibly abusive marriage.

But the thing is... I can't help but wonder if sometimes, in some cases at least, the fact that divorce is legal (and in some ways, especially in this day and age, marriage almost seems... optional at times), well...

Are the excessive lists of "red flags" a result of too many people in the modern era who just want an easy-in-and-easy-out, or could that list of red flags have actually been useful in past decades when divorce was more frowned upon? I suppose it would depend on each couple and each situation. Or in some ways, maybe all of this could also be the result of too many people with too much free time on their hands to sit on their computers and be nitpicky.

It's just.... when it comes to SOME of the red flags lists I've looked at... there are some areas where I almost feel like the excessiveness of what to look out for and what not to put up with sorta boils down to, "Your potential spouse can't be human."

It seems to me that an old-fashioned phrase that has long since been lost is "Stick it out and tough it out". (This does not apply to abusive relationships or if there is a lot of excessive cheating going on... but it does seem like it's much easier and convenient to break it off these days.)

Our question should be, do we trust the Words of God. Who commands marriage to be for life. If he commands it, then we can believe it is possible. It takes 2 people upholding the will of God or stealing the morality of God if they are secular. Either way without sacrificial love a relationship will not work.

TheIndianGirl · Apr 2, 2021

Lenoralana said:

What red flags do you think seem excessive?

I think it is definitely a good idea to keep an eye on red flags. Does this person get angry quickly? How does he treat poor people? How does he treat animals? Is this person lazy, always looking for excuses? Does this person frequently check out other women? Does he speak of women in a derogative manner? and so forth, and vice versa. How is his relationship with God? Does he fear God?

Most people get divorced simply because they are unhappy (ranging from abuse, unemployment, health issues, to just daily bickering over small things). I think if couples gave themselves another chance they could be happy. I think "Stick it out and tough it out" results in an improved marriage where there is love and reconciliation later on in life, or just a life-long bad marriage where the spouses essentially live as brother and sister/or roommates. Either way, it is a sad situation because in both cases they missed out on a lifelong loving soulmate type marriage.

Roughsoul1991 · Apr 2, 2021

Lenoralana said:

Since I have been single all my life so far, and my parents have always been together, I have never... exactly been directly effected by divorce, although my dad was because his parents were divorced... and it seems like at least half my friends were/are people who've been divorced or their parents were divorced or possibly both.

I also just want to be clear here that I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who has been divorced or affected by divorce in any way. ^^; But... there has been something pressing on my mind this evening that I would like to hear some opinions on.

A little while back, I read a lot of relationship advice on Quora posts from a variety of people on a few different types of relationship-advice-seeking-questions. One thing that caught my attention was just how many people kept giving numerous advice for red flags... sometimes excessively so.

I know that some of that could be important, because you don't want to get trapped in a bad, toxic, or possibly abusive marriage.

But the thing is... I can't help but wonder if sometimes, in some cases at least, the fact that divorce is legal (and in some ways, especially in this day and age, marriage almost seems... optional at times), well...

Are the excessive lists of "red flags" a result of too many people in the modern era who just want an easy-in-and-easy-out, or could that list of red flags have actually been useful in past decades when divorce was more frowned upon? I suppose it would depend on each couple and each situation. Or in some ways, maybe all of this could also be the result of too many people with too much free time on their hands to sit on their computers and be nitpicky.

It's just.... when it comes to SOME of the red flags lists I've looked at... there are some areas where I almost feel like the excessiveness of what to look out for and what not to put up with sorta boils down to, "Your potential spouse can't be human."

It seems to me that an old-fashioned phrase that has long since been lost is "Stick it out and tough it out". (This does not apply to abusive relationships or if there is a lot of excessive cheating going on... but it does seem like it's much easier and convenient to break it off these days.)

Also, we see more red flags today because the culture has turned more wicked. We have more broken homes and this produces statistically troubled adults.

Reformed1689 · Apr 2, 2021

The cause of divorce is hard hearts:

Matthew 19:8
He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.

Unless the divorce was for adultery or abandonment by an unbeliever, you then commit adultery yourself when you remarry.

Matthew 5:32
But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

This is binding until the death of one of the illegitimately divorced partners.

Romans 7:2
For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage.

Divorce will only get worse in the west because are men weak and effeminates and refuse to do the duties at home and in their communities. They are soft, squishy, fat, and lazy. Men often do not lead their families spiritually, and often do not keep their strength. They do not do these things, therefor they lose their position in the home as the leader and their wife who is a spiritually weak vessel then no longer has someone to help her stay spiritually grounded. She will want a different man, because you aren't worth wanting.

Women will continue to divorce because the above, and because they spent their younger lives racking up triple digit body counts and no longer have the ability to be satisfied with one man. They marry a man who is or becomes weak. The man no longer has the ability to maintain dominance in the relationship and she becomes the captain of the ship. When she gains control of the ship she learns her husband is worthless as a man, and wants to move on to a more suitable mate.

A good read for young men who want to avoid the lies that "well intentioned" Christians tell them: https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/categorized-list-of-posts/

Remember, if the person giving you advice is divorced multiple times, hooked on porn, and has a triple digit body count, their advice for successful relationships isn't worth listening to. Listen to those who have actually achieved some measure of success. It will go a long ways toward preventing a jezebel woman from taking half of your stuff and learning in your 50s one of the kids was never yours.

Lynx · Apr 2, 2021

I have a theory, one that I have never had opportunity to test, that if two people love each other for who each other is, divorce is easily preventable. If either marries the other because of what the other can do - he provides for her, she gives him sex, he makes her laugh, she is physically attractive - divorce, or at least discontent and wishing for divorce, is inevitable.

I remember a song the kids used to play on the job, called "The Shape Of You."
"I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
I'm in love with your body
Last night you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
Every day discovering something brand new
I'm in love with your body"
It was supposed to be a sexy song, but I've seen a LOT of couples going the same way and all I could think of every time that song played was, "Give it a little time, a few wrinkles, a little sagging, and they're doomed."

Aidan1 · Apr 2, 2021

Lenoralana said:

Since I have been single all my life so far, and my parents have always been together, I have never... exactly been directly effected by divorce, although my dad was because his parents were divorced... and it seems like at least half my friends were/are people who've been divorced or their parents were divorced or possibly both.

I also just want to be clear here that I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who has been divorced or affected by divorce in any way. ^^; But... there has been something pressing on my mind this evening that I would like to hear some opinions on.

A little while back, I read a lot of relationship advice on Quora posts from a variety of people on a few different types of relationship-advice-seeking-questions. One thing that caught my attention was just how many people kept giving numerous advice for red flags... sometimes excessively so.

I know that some of that could be important, because you don't want to get trapped in a bad, toxic, or possibly abusive marriage.

But the thing is... I can't help but wonder if sometimes, in some cases at least, the fact that divorce is legal (and in some ways, especially in this day and age, marriage almost seems... optional at times), well...

Are the excessive lists of "red flags" a result of too many people in the modern era who just want an easy-in-and-easy-out, or could that list of red flags have actually been useful in past decades when divorce was more frowned upon? I suppose it would depend on each couple and each situation. Or in some ways, maybe all of this could also be the result of too many people with too much free time on their hands to sit on their computers and be nitpicky.

It's just.... when it comes to SOME of the red flags lists I've looked at... there are some areas where I almost feel like the excessiveness of what to look out for and what not to put up with sorta boils down to, "Your potential spouse can't be human."

It seems to me that an old-fashioned phrase that has long since been lost is "Stick it out and tough it out". (This does not apply to abusive relationships or if there is a lot of excessive cheating going on... but it does seem like it's much easier and convenient to break it off these days.)

If Jesus in the middlepoint of both, then divorce is no theme. In german the word for marriage is EHE, ( Egoist, HERR (Lord), Egoist)
The Lord keeps the 2 Egoist together.
Thats my opinion. And I am thankful that He does it now for 26 years.

Lanolin · Apr 2, 2021

I reckon its to do with property and whether you can coexist under one roof
basically. some people cant.
Thats why they split up.
Im sure there are many marriages where one spouse snores so the other has to sleep in a separate bedroom. But they still married, and love each other so...?

I dont know about the west being so individualistic that they cant even conceive of SHARING. But maybe its true they just dont know how. A lot of property is under the husbands name only and so the wife just becomes a chattel, another possesion. Many women dont WANT to be chained up like that...for most women that would be a living hell. No amount of money could make up for being controlled and bought like that or dominated. I think people prefer their freedom. Thats why marriage cannot work for most people, as that kind of love is not unconditional unlike the love that God has for us.

cinder · Apr 2, 2021

Well I'm thinking if you want to avoid divorce then noticing ( and resolving) red flags well before you are married is a very good thing. A red flag isn't quite the same as a dealbreaker, but more of an indicator that this requires more investigation to know what's really going on before you make any decisions that will affect your life long term.

I think (since I've never been anywhere close to getting married), that the healthiest way to approach a relationship is similar to how my parents went about buying a house and so you have your list of absolute musts ( for a house might be something like must have central air or covered parking; for a people might be something like must demonstrate a solid work ethic and willingness to work or must manage money well). The musts are the absolute minimum standards. Then you have the wants which are what many people confuse with the musts (think of it like if there were a lot of pressure or need you marry someone who meets the musts but if you can take your time you're looking for someone who meets most of the wants as well as all the musts) these are the things that you really want in a match, but if you can get 7 out of 10 you'll be content (good singing voice, avid outdoorsman, blond hair, mechanically inclined, etc for people) this is where you kind of flesh out the kind of person you want to be with but are okay if the person doesn't end up meeting all of these things. And like we said, these are not essential just preferences.

Then there's the daydream list, where if you can get all your musts, most of your wants, and just one of your daydreams you've pretty much hit the jackpot. Things like supermodel looks, perfect health, independently wealthy are in that category for most of us.

But as for divorce, I think the main cause of divorce (to in some ways completely contradict myself above) is that we've started approaching relationships and marriage as a consumer good we shop for instead of a binding commitment we undertake. Or it's like we're looking to buy the perfect house instead of build one of our own. The sensible thing in marriage is not to look for someone who will make you happy and your life wonderful now, but to look for someone that you want to have in your corner when your whole world starts crumbling (and that you couldn't imagine wanting to be without even if their whole world started crumbling). Unfortunately as long as we continue to trend towards a more consumer culture than a producing creative culture, I think we're going to see divorce continue at high levels as people think they can get a better marriage product elsewhere.

Hungry · Apr 2, 2021

Lenoralana said:

It’s all very simple. It comes down to three reasons;
1. Expectations- It was said that women enter a relationship thinking the man will change. Men enter thinking the woman won’t change. Both are wrong. Along with the assumption thinking the person we marry is who we will wake up with in ten years is erroneous. Also is the crap in movies that shape our hopes and dreams. Life isn’t a fairytale.

2. Individualism- We are taught to be independent. Men and women were more recently raised to have their own career, money, hobbies and friends. We don’t need each other anymore. Life is a journey. If you share a path with another you walk as one, no longer two. You are headed in the same direction. Your mate becomes part of you. When your body changes for the worst you don’t hack it off. You pay more attention to it. You try to fix it, and let it heal. When you and your spouse each have a path it becomes a competition. Team wife and team husband oppose each other, each thinking they are disrespected and taken for granted, rather than teammates. When it’s a competition, you want to win at all costs, leaving the rival wounded in the dust.

3. Basic Biology- As much as we think we are superior to the animal kingdom, we are still very fleshy and hormonal. Our thoughts and actions are very influenced by the endocrine system. Essentially almost all of us are products of flawed programming, aided with human conditioning walking a path of hormonal responses. You mentioned that the red flags signal that you almost can’t be human. Bingo! As Christians we are no longer human. We are a new creation with transformed minds. Any human relationship is destined to be animalistic. As such, men are biologically polygamous. Women are the ones who decide which males are genetically gifted enough to breed. Once they have children, their passion shifts to them. This why polygamy was practiced. It was never stated not to marry only one wife. The New Man is not the old, we think and act differently.

cinder · Apr 2, 2021

Hungry said:

While I will grant that modern Christianity tends to downplay all those physical, hormonal, biochemical influences on us and how powerful they can be. It also teaches that being made in the image of God we are created superior to the beasts and there is more to us than just the physical. So the view that we're basically organic robots following hormonal / biochemical programming isn't really compatible with the Biblical view of man ( or to put it another way, my hormones made me do it is no more valid an excuse for sin than the devil made me do it).

Also since we have multiple examples in the animal kingdom of animals that mate for life, even reducing human beings to the level of animals wouldn't be enough of an argument to conclude that mankind is biologically polygamous. If certain animals are naturally monogamous then mankind could also be one of those animals. I think what's unique about man is that we have the ability to go against our natural "programming" something most animals cannot do, but even that just muddies the water. So I guess we're going to have to go by what kind of relationships the designer says people are designed for as our guide.

Hungry · Apr 2, 2021

cinder said:

Why do you think that being made in the image of God means we are “superior” to the beasts? I think if you asked 1000 men whether or not they would prefer to be with several women throughout their lives sexually, or to mate exclusively with one, their honest answer would overwhelmingly be the former. Women aren’t about quantity. They fantasize about quality. In nature this is what keeps species strong. Dudes have lots of seed to scatter and women have limited opportunities to determine which genes go forward. I’m not making it up. That’s just how God rigged it. That is how it is designed...biologically. However there is no end to our diabolical imaginations. We are flesh and spirit. I’m merely explaining the flesh.

1ofthem · Apr 2, 2021

There a many different causes for divorce too many to point them all out. Sometimes it can be prevented...sometimes it can't.

The best way to prevent divorce is get to know the person well before marrying and seek the Lord about it. If there are red flags then it's best to walk away before getting married. Even though, "breaking up is hard to do", it's much easier than divorce...lol

Sometimes people think they are in love and it is really just infatuation. We can come up with an idea of a person, but in actuality the person may be completely different. Also infatuation fades with time, so take plenty of time to get to know the person and as in all things put it before the Lord because he will never lead you in the wrong direction.

Lanolin · Apr 2, 2021

I guess thats why God got the male Israelites circumcised at 8 days old??

Lynx · Apr 2, 2021

cinder said:

My observation concurs.

We don't even treat spouses like employees any more. Most employers find an employee and then stop looking - they don't keep taking applications and comparing the potential new hire against the one who got the job from here on out.

We treat spouses more like cars or laptops these days. When we see a new model (pun intended) we immediately want it, so we start trying to find reasons to get rid of the old model (pun still intended.) The old one we have is slowing down a bit... a few cracks in the frame... the hinges are starting to creak a little... yeah, it's time to either sell this one or just throw it away so we can upgrade.

But when I throw out an old laptop, the laptop doesn't have emotions (despite all my chatterbot AI experiments, I have never been able to make it happen.)

It doesn't wreck a laptop's world.

Lynx · Apr 2, 2021

Hungry said:

Man, you and Adstar... if I listen to you I start believing we men are soulless robots with no free will, helplessly and blindly following our hormonal and instinctive programming.

I do know some guys who live like that, actually. They flirt with any girl in their vicinity, flirt harder with any girl who actually deigns to reply to them, date every girl who will tolerate them and have sex as often and with as many women as possible. Aaaaand... every single one of them I know who lives like that has a ton of drama and stress in his life... Not to mention usually a lot of child support checks. Yup, living that instinctive animal life. Wait, didn't the Bible say something about people who did what was right in their own eyes? Hmm, was it something GOOD the Bible said about those people?

Thank God for giving us the brains to live above base animal instinct, and the Bible to direct us to a better life than that. Also thank God for a church full of men I know who are living proof that this life really does work and really is objectively better. Try that question you wanted to ask 1000 men in my church and you'd get an answer sharply weighted toward the latter choice, because they've tried it and know it is superior. Oh, and speaking of superior... yes humans are superior to beasts. Isn't it about time we started acting a bit better?

SHORT VERSION:
(Also blunt version)
(Also somewhat crude version)
God gave us brains to use in making decisions.
Some guys ignore their brains and make decisions with their small heads, then use their big heads to try to justify their bad decisions.
Some men use their big heads to make decisions... then they don't have anything they need to justify.

Dino246 · Apr 2, 2021

Marriage is the #1 cause of divorce. No unmarried person ever got divorced.

Seriously, the #1 cause of divorce is sin. I know; that's a Jesus juke.

If you are married, and want to avoid divorce, invest in your relationship, and deal with your junk. If you are not married, and would like to be, deal with your junk, and don't date people who haven't dealt with their junk (or refuse to deal with it).

Yes, it's simple, but simple doesn't mean easy.

Lynx · Apr 6, 2021

Hungry said:

Why do you think that being made in the image of God means we are “superior” to the beasts? I think if you asked 1000 men whether or not they would prefer to be with several women throughout their lives sexually, or to mate exclusively with one, their honest answer would overwhelmingly be the former. Women aren’t about quantity. They fantasize about quality. In nature this is what keeps species strong. Dudes have lots of seed to scatter and women have limited opportunities to determine which genes go forward. I’m not making it up. That’s just how God rigged it. That is how it is designed...biologically. However there is no end to our diabolical imaginations. We are flesh and spirit. I’m merely explaining the flesh.

This morning I heard a Steven Curtis Chapman song that speaks to this.

I've got the spirit
Of the living God
Alive in me
Giving me power
So I don't have to be
Only natural

wisebeardman · Apr 6, 2021

Lynx said:

You throw out laptops? shame on you. you never throw computers away, you take them and install arch linux on them.

Lynx · Apr 6, 2021

wisebeardman said:

Yeah, well... in my case it's more like "wipe out and reinstall Windows, put in a bunch of freeware programs and games and give it to a kid or elderly person who only needs a basic computer to watch youtube videos and catch up with facebook..." But I didn't want to bring "handing off your spouse to somebody else on the rebound" into the analogy.

What Causes Divorce/Can it Really be Prevented?

Member

Senior Member

TheIndianGirl

Guest

Senior Member

Active member

Folksy yet erudite

Well-known member

Well-known member

Senior Member

Banned

Senior Member

Banned

Senior Member

Well-known member

Folksy yet erudite

Folksy yet erudite

Senior Member

Folksy yet erudite

Banned

Folksy yet erudite