~Chuckle for the Day~
- Thread starter Bingo
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A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO Costco
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,
Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up
in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your
pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,
Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up
in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your
pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
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A prolific lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to rent a larger house. However, he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new place to house his family. When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie, we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked "How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve.”
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL:
It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words ...and don't forget, many of our politicians went to school to become lawyers!
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked "How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve.”
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL:
It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words ...and don't forget, many of our politicians went to school to become lawyers!
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Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. Since the minimum wage was increased to $15 the owner had to replace his regular human bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?"
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?"
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Only In Texas:
A Policeman pulls a car over on the Highway. He tells the driver: "This is your lucky day, for
wearing your seat belt; your reward is $5,000! What are you going to do with all that
money?"
The driver tells the policeman: "Officer, I am going to use it to get a driver's License."
The passenger next to the driver speaks up: "Officer, don't listen to him; he's been
drinking!"
A voice from the back seat: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!"
A knock comes from the trunk, and asks: "Are we to the border Yet?"
A Policeman pulls a car over on the Highway. He tells the driver: "This is your lucky day, for
wearing your seat belt; your reward is $5,000! What are you going to do with all that
money?"
The driver tells the policeman: "Officer, I am going to use it to get a driver's License."
The passenger next to the driver speaks up: "Officer, don't listen to him; he's been
drinking!"
A voice from the back seat: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!"
A knock comes from the trunk, and asks: "Are we to the border Yet?"
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Only In Texas:
A Policeman pulls a car over on the Highway. He tells the driver: "This is your lucky day, for
wearing your seat belt; your reward is $5,000! What are you going to do with all that
money?"
The driver tells the policeman: "Officer, I am going to use it to get a driver's License."
The passenger next to the driver speaks up: "Officer, don't listen to him; he's been
drinking!"
A voice from the back seat: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!"
A knock comes from the trunk, and asks: "Are we to the border Yet?"
A Policeman pulls a car over on the Highway. He tells the driver: "This is your lucky day, for
wearing your seat belt; your reward is $5,000! What are you going to do with all that
money?"
The driver tells the policeman: "Officer, I am going to use it to get a driver's License."
The passenger next to the driver speaks up: "Officer, don't listen to him; he's been
drinking!"
A voice from the back seat: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!"
A knock comes from the trunk, and asks: "Are we to the border Yet?"
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After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"