~Chuckle for the Day~

[Kim82]

Edit: Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every year James told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.
On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars.
The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree.
The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter.
Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two."
After not getting a reply, he turned and looked about in the helicopter and saw that both Lucille and James had fallen out.

News just in: Lucille and James were later found safe and sound. While James wanted a ride in the helicopter, it seems that lucille had always wanted to parachute jump. James thought it would be fun, and when the copter was way up in the air, they both jumped. Sources say they had a blast.

When asked why they didn't bother to notify the pilot, they pointed out that 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

Meanwhile the pilot is not amused. He feels that he has been taken for a ride( pun intended) and is demanding payment from the couple.

 

[Whispered]

Today at the bank a little old lady asked me to check her balance
So I pushed her over



My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.



Woman to her husband while going at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."



Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.



My husband told me he needs more space. I said no problem and locked him out of the house.




Two men talking on a bus:

“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
-
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”




Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

But more importantly, where is my hamster?




I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.



Last words of a skydiver?
-
Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!!

 

[Whispered]

Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”



I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back with my complaint on a Post-It, way too expensive and really bad quality.



8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.



A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
-
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
-
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
-
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
-
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
-
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
-
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
-
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”



Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"



Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

 

[Whispered]

I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.

There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"

I quickly cut the rope and resuscitated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.

As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."



Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

 

[BlessedByGod]

< Tech Support >

A young woman submitted the message below (about her relationship to her husband) to tech support. She presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.
The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. I immediately noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 65, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

She received this response:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0, as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support Team

OH MY GOSH THAT WAS TOO FUNNY!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣🙃

 

[Bingo]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied, "My husbands check book!"

 

[Bingo]

 

[Whispered]

 

[Whispered]

 

[morefaithrequired]

Funny that I felt the same the other day on a forum. That people should mind their own business. Because someone interrupted a conversation I was having. But I admit now that is crazy. I mean on an open message board. Interruptions are the main style of communication. People (including me) would rather interrupt anothers conversation than have an uninterrupted one.
thats what PMs are for.

 

[Bingo]

 

[Bingo]

Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription - simply showing your marriage certificate and your wife's picture is not enough."

 

[Whispered]

Funny that I felt the same the other day on a forum. That people should mind their own business. Because someone interrupted a conversation I was having. But I admit now that is crazy. I mean on an open message board. Interruptions are the main style of communication. People (including me) would rather interrupt anothers conversation than have an uninterrupted one.
thats what PMs are for.

True. But only if you are a paid member. Therefore, you met someone that went the free message route.

 

[Whispered]

 

[Whispered]

_________

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/769834130036132943/

 

[Whispered]

 

[Bingo]

KIDS IN CHURCH:
***********
3-year-old Reese:
"OUR FATHER, WHO DOES ART IN HEAVEN, HAROLD IS HIS NAME. AMEN."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'M HAVING A REAL GOOD TIME LIKE I AM."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, "THAT PREACHER SAID HE WANTED US BROUGHT UP IN A CHRISTIAN HOME, AND I WANTED TO STAY WITH YOU GUYS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION," She prayed....”BUT DELIVER US FROM E-MAIL.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"AND FORGIVE US OUR TRASH BASKETS
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO PUT TRASH IN OUR BASKETS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
THEY'RE HUSHERS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
KEVIN TURNED TO HIS YOUNGER BROTHER AND SAID, "RYAN, YOU BE JESUS!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"DID GOD THROW HIM BACK DOWN?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"LORD, WHY ON EARTH DID I INVITE ALL THESE PEOPLE TO DINNER?"

 

[Bingo]

 

[JamOn]

 

[Bingo]