Divorce?

[kaylagrl]

As far as God is concerned, divorce is never the right thing to do, unless the spouse committed adultery, and this is known for a fact. (And I do not fall into either of those categories you have mentioned at the start).

Obviously no one can assist you in this dilemma over the Internet. However, if you and your husband are Christians and affiliated with a local church, it is high time you both made the effort to seek counsel from the pastors and/or elders. They are supposed to be shepherds watching over the welfare of your souls.

But the matter must be (a) discussed in the strictest confidence and the counselors must verbally commit to this, (b) both spouses must be totally honest and transparent and let out all the *dirty laundry*, and (c) there must be a genuine desire to resolve all conflicts and restore a loving and trusting relationship.

But neither party can assume that the fault is exclusively on one side. And each one should have loved the other at the start to begin with (unless it was an arranged marriage, which can also work out as many do).

As far as God is concerned, divorce is never the right thing to do, unless the spouse committed adultery...

And in cases of physical or emotional abuse...

 

[tourist]

When my first marriage dissolved, the LAST thing I wanted was another relationship.
I ended up being sour over any kind of relationship. Friends, church, etc. Divorce takes a lot out of a person.
Like others have eluded to, it will take a lot of time and healing to get through. IT IS NO FUN!!!
But the release from mental bondage and abuse, over time, will finally kick in, and starting over can begin.
Be watchful, be vigilant, and guard your heart from bitterness and unforgiveness during a divorce.
I'm praying for you too.

My starting over process after my divorce in 1984 (first marriage) took 18 years. It definitely takes a lot out of a person. The release from the mental and physical abuse only took a couple years though and felt like a heavy burden was lifted off me. I guarded my heart too for the longest time. We are survivor types brother.

 

[kaylagrl]

You said that I said that she was 100% responsible for the marriage problems, and I did not. I cannot talk about his responsibility because he is not here and I have not heard his side of the story. I can only talk to the person who is here, based on what she has presented in her own posts. I can see from the thread so far that she is not interested in understanding how her own selfishness may be contributing to the problems, she is only interested in having people give her hugs and assure her that she deserves better and shouldn't have to live like this any more.

So--I've given my perspective as a Christian professional in the field of family relationships, and it's not what she wanted to hear, so I'm out...

Happy divorcing.

I didn't see one post where you didn't say she was being selfish and back up your POV with everyone that disagreed with you. You can talk about his responsibility, she has told you the story. She asked him to go to counseling and he is refusing. And he's carried this on for 10yrs. His responsibility is to go for help. She has told him she is leaving if he doesn't seek help. He cried,admitted he was wrong,went for help for a brief time and stopped. Yes, you can talk about his responsibility. If you can say she's selfish then you can talk about his responsibility to go for help and fix his issues.

Again you're making a judgement call. She's been dealing with this for ten years. She's asking him to go for help,that is not being selfish. If she was being selfish she'd have walked the minute something went wrong that she didn't like, she wouldn't have held on for ten years. Or she'd have a man on the side to look after her needs,that's selfish. She's still in the fight,still trying to say the marriage,alone. And I'm sorry but I find this a lot with Christian professionals,they blame the wife. It's wrong and it's unfair. My sister has stuck in a nightmare of a marriage because of advice from people just like you. She's taken 17yrs of abuse because Christians have told her she needs to stay married, that the fault is hers and she needs to please her man better. It's infuriating.

 

[kaylagrl]

Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do? My story is long so I won’t bore anyone but I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work. I’ve placed it in God’s hands at this point but I don’t honestly feel it can be saved. I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.

I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work.I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.

The first answer to her pain...

"selfishness is the opposite of love, and if you miss love, there's a good chance that you are acting out of selfish interests and self-centered desires instead of love towards your husband."

I don’t take it likely...if I did I would have left a long time ago. I’ve been unhappy for years. While I appreciate and respect your response this is far from me being selfish. My husband totally changed when we got married. We became friends/ roommates that’s it. I’ve begged him to go to counseling with me he refuses I’ve asked him to see a Dr he refuses. I wanted children badly and he knew this before we got married. I try to talk to him he won’t talk about it. While I don’t believe in divorce I don’t believe I should have to live this way either.

Oh boy, right again...Yep, that's it right there. You want something better for yourself than what you have.Nailed it.

I have begged and pleaded for years with him to go with me to counseling or something and he refuses. I just can’t understand how a partner can let the other cry and hurt and it doesn’t affect them. I’m just at a loss. I can barely get him to even go to church with me anymore. We don’t have children as I said before I wanted them badly but he would never talk to me about it.

I talked to him at Christmas told him I was reaching out one last time for him to go to counseling with me or at least talk to me. He cried and said he would go with me that he didn’t want me to leave. I set up counseling he would only do it over the phone he wouldn’t go in person and we had 3 sessions and he quit. He won’t talk about that either if I mention it he ignores me. I told him at Christmas if things didn’t get better I was leaving.

Thank you I appreciate you not putting me down. I truly want to do the right thing.

I can see from the thread so far that she is not interested in understanding how her own selfishness may be contributing to the problems, she is only interested in having people give her hugs and assure her that she deserves better and shouldn't have to live like this any more.Happy divorcing.

Perhaps she doesn’t like the shows, he does and criticizes them or wants to change the program when they watch together. Maybe she rages and he doesn’t think she will be a great mother. Maybe half the time he wants a divorce but he thinks it will financially break him so he avoids her. Maybe he can relax when she isn’t around and feels worse when she’s home because of her constant dependence. Maybe the three times he went to counseling she got worse and kept bringing up what the therapist told him to work on and neglected her part. Maybe her hormones are out of whack and he really can’t do anything right so he just stopped trying. It’s easy to point the finger and say he’s abusing her but maybe you just pulled the trigger on this loaded gun. Maybe she came to a Christian website hoping someone would absolve her of the guilt of her wanting to finally leave and find someone else to cling to. We really have no idea why her husband doesn’t love her, if in fact he doesn’t. Maybe she’s abusive. The point is, giving advice for someone to divorce is like someone standing on a ledge of a three story building and you tell them to jump. Maybe it won’t kill them but there will be a lot of pain to deal with, especially if the building isn’t on fire.

I'm really disappointed in the response this woman has gotten in this thread. When you look at her answers and the responses to them. smh How can anyone not see that she is fighting for her marriage and that she is in real pain. How can anyone not see that she is heartbroken? And how can you not see that what the husband is doing is abusive and he is taking no responsibility in the marriage,zero. I see a lot of victim blaming,a lot of comments that are far from Christlike. Brother Hungry I understand you are in a bad marriage but you cannot expect people to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage. God doesn't,neither should you. The OP has said she doesn't believe in divorce,she's gone for help and begged him to do the same. She wants to do what is right. And yet she is being blamed as selfish for wanting to fix a broken marriage. smh I'm ashamed at some of the responses from Christian men here. This kind of attitude has kept my sister in an abusive marriage for 17yrs. Just because he doesn't hit her, she's told to be the Christian wife and service him better. Told this by "Christian counselors" smh And she has two children living in this abusive marriage. To the OP once again you have done all you can do. It's up to your husband to step up and take part in the marriage and fix his issues. If he refuses you have every right to leave. Don't let anyone tell you you have to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage,you don't. You've given him every chance to change. The ball is in his court. I'm sorry for the responses you've been given,they have been unkind and judgmental. You don't deserve that.

 

[Homewardbound]

The first answer to her pain...





















I'm really disappointed in the response this woman has gotten in this thread. When you look at her answers and the responses to them. smh How can anyone not see that she is fighting for her marriage and that she is in real pain. How can anyone not see that she is heartbroken? And how can you not see that what the husband is doing is abusive and he is taking no responsibility in the marriage,zero. I see a lot of victim blaming,a lot of comments that are far from Christlike. Brother Hungry I understand you are in a bad marriage but you cannot expect people to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage. God doesn't,neither should you. The OP has said she doesn't believe in divorce,she's gone for help and begged him to do the same. She wants to do what is right. And yet she is being blamed as selfish for wanting to fix a broken marriage. smh I'm ashamed at some of the responses from Christian men here. This kind of attitude has kept my sister in an abusive marriage for 17yrs. Just because he doesn't hit her, she's told to be the Christian wife and service him better. Told this by "Christian counselors" smh And she has two children living in this abusive marriage. To the OP once again you have done all you can do. It's up to your husband to step up and take part in the marriage and fix his issues. If he refuses you have every right to leave. Don't let anyone tell you you have to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage,you don't. You've given him every chance to change. The ball is in his court. I'm sorry for the responses you've been given,they have been unkind and judgmental. You don't deserve that.

I too am a bit disappointed. But we all go through divorces differently, and view marriages differently.
To MissingLove, I am sorry for your spot. No fun, fellow believer, no fun. I relate...I do. Know you have prayer support from Homeward bound.

 

[kaylagrl]

I too am a bit disappointed. But we all go through divorces differently, and view marriages differently.
To MissingLove, I am sorry for your spot. No fun, fellow believer, no fun. I relate...I do. Know you have prayer support from Homeward bound.

It really not that so much as people are being very judgmental in their responses and it's unfair. As I said, my sister has gone through this for years. And I know there are men that have also suffered abuse and it's wrong in their cases too. But the Op has gone out of her way to say she doesn't want divorce and she wants to do what is right. Many of the responses here have been appalling. If she was selfish she wouldn't have stayed in the fight this long. I feel for her and I believe she's done all she can in her power to save the marriage.

 

[kaylagrl]

This kind of emotional neglect by the OPs husband is a terrible form of abuse. She should have walked away in the first year, but instead, she tried to help her husband, honour and respect him for 10 long years.

The personality change alone, says a great deal about how mentally ill her husband is. He either has a personality disorder, Dissociative Identity Disirder (maybe not enough alters?) or a mild form of psychopathology. They don't care a bit about others people's feelings, and one doesnt have to be serial killer to be a psychopath.

Someone else suggested depression. But, he won't see a doctor, get a diagnosis and treatment, yet some of you vote for her to live with this emotional abuser another 40 or 50 years? I'd like to see some of you self-righteous people live a month with a person like this, especially when they pretended to be something else before he married her.
I think you have done your best. God does not expect anyone to live with a cold, selfish, emotionally unavailable person. I know "abuse" is not grounds for divorce in the Bible. Perhaps abuse wasn't an issue in the Old or New Testament times? People lived short life spans, especially women who died often in childbirth. They lived close together, and the women talked, they knew about all the issues in their community. The older women may have had some ideas how to change things. Certainly, most men don't want their neighbours to hear them beating up their wife. So, abuse is not mentioned. Or, perhaps Jesus had to fulfill the law, before he could change it.

In turn, find me one place in the Bible it says an abused woman must stay with her husband. Because the husband of the OP is not a Christian, she is free to leave. Although she has not really answered whether she is a Christian. And, if what she says about the husband is true, he gives no evidence or fruits he has been saved by God.

I would urge you to leave this man. You are a mess, and you need to spend a couple of years recovering from this loveless marriage, and rebuilding who you are, with the help of God.

Thank you! Here is an empathetic response that the OP deserves!! At least someone understands and has been listening what she has been saying.

 

[Homewardbound]

It really not that so much as people are being very judgmental in their responses and it's unfair. As I said, my sister has gone through this for years. And I know there are men that have also suffered abuse and it's wrong in their cases too. But the Op has gone out of her way to say she doesn't want divorce and she wants to do what is right. Many of the responses here have been appalling. If she was selfish she wouldn't have stayed in the fight this long. I feel for her and I believe she's done all she can in her power to save the marriage.

Hey, I agree with you, I do sympathize with MissingLove. When we put all we have into a marriage and it doesn't improve, that is hurtful, confusing, and frustrating to say the least. MissingLove should let go of the dude. Is it hard? Yes, for sure, but for M.L.'s sake it seems the only recourse.
I DO sympathize, and pray!

 

[Nehemiah6]

And in cases of physical or emotional abuse...

It should be obvious that the perpetrator is either not saved, or does not understand his or her role under Christ (if saved). Which means repentance and/or conversion of the offending party, not divorce. Once again spiritual counsel is necessary, not secular counseling which ignores the spiritual dimension.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hey, I agree with you, I do sympathize with MissingLove. When we put all we have into a marriage and it doesn't improve, that is hurtful, confusing, and frustrating to say the least. MissingLove should let go of the dude. Is it hard? Yes, for sure, but for M.L.'s sake it seems the only recourse.
I DO sympathize, and pray!

No I'm not talking about your response. You were very supportive.

 

[kaylagrl]

It should be obvious that the perpetrator is either not saved, or does not understand his or her role under Christ (if saved). Which means repentance and/or conversion of the offending party, not divorce. Once again spiritual counsel is necessary, not secular counseling which ignores the spiritual dimension.

He refuses any help, he won't go to counseling and is not going to church. He won't accept spiritual counseling,he won't fix the issues,won't even try. He's being emotionally abusive to his wife. So what now?

 

[Hungry]

The first answer to her pain...





















I'm really disappointed in the response this woman has gotten in this thread. When you look at her answers and the responses to them. smh How can anyone not see that she is fighting for her marriage and that she is in real pain. How can anyone not see that she is heartbroken? And how can you not see that what the husband is doing is abusive and he is taking no responsibility in the marriage,zero. I see a lot of victim blaming,a lot of comments that are far from Christlike. Brother Hungry I understand you are in a bad marriage but you cannot expect people to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage. God doesn't,neither should you. The OP has said she doesn't believe in divorce,she's gone for help and begged him to do the same. She wants to do what is right. And yet she is being blamed as selfish for wanting to fix a broken marriage. smh I'm ashamed at some of the responses from Christian men here. This kind of attitude has kept my sister in an abusive marriage for 17yrs. Just because he doesn't hit her, she's told to be the Christian wife and service him better. Told this by "Christian counselors" smh And she has two children living in this abusive marriage. To the OP once again you have done all you can do. It's up to your husband to step up and take part in the marriage and fix his issues. If he refuses you have every right to leave. Don't let anyone tell you you have to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage,you don't. You've given him every chance to change. The ball is in his court. I'm sorry for the responses you've been given,they have been unkind and judgmental. You don't deserve that.

I get what you are saying, however my point is that if my wife joined tomorrow and gave the same complaints, many on here would tell her to divorce me on grounds of abuse. If you don’t know the whole story, you really shouldn’t sway anyone to get a divorce.

 

[MissingLove]

I agree, you can’t help him. My question to you is how does he have so much power over your self worth? How does he spend his time? Do you have any other interests? Friends? Family? Work? Is your whole identity invested in being a wife? When I got married my wife was so vibrant and enjoyed going for walks and visiting friends and family. She loved keeping the house clean and doing things that made her feel energized. She loved going to church and Bible studies. She enjoyed cooking and laughed a lot. Now she doesn’t do any of that stuff. Everything is a chore. Before she was automatically happy unless something severe caused her mood to shift. Now she starts the day moody and waits for something to make her happy. She would like to blame me and say it’s because I don’t love her enough but something robbed her joy and it wasn’t me. It’s just hard to be around someone who constantly needs reassurance just to feel any self worth. It’s literally exhausting having to be a cheerleader just to avoid her moodiness. We had our twentieth year anniversary this year. Many, many times she made comments like yourself. She thinks she is an ideal wife and mother. If you try to make one comment that may be contrary to this and it’s a disaster. The last thing she needs is for this image to be questioned in counseling. I seriously believe it would trigger a psychotic break. Are you open to the possibility that maybe you need to make some changes? I’m not accusing, just asking.

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

Look I have seen the other side of the coin. My grandma died of lung problem s and my best friend died from being shot in the same year that broke me it angered me and it made me hateful full of rage. The last thing I want to do is hear people tell me go to therapy this and that. My friends wife would tell her friends and us that he was abusive and wouldn't pay attention to her and how he hated her. The man loved it her and he would work long hours to provide to her and the kid. I'm also not saying this is the case but since I have witnessed a simallar situation of someone who was justifying divorce she seemed to leave details out of what she did. Now you have a sister going through this and trust me I've witnessed loved ones in pain and it hurts I know. I understand you and I really wish nothing but love for your sister, you and op. I have nothing against anyone here. I hate seeing people suffer . I have seen people with out hands who suffer emotional abuse bullying and yet they look to the sky with happiness because they are saved and know that the world is full of Payne and hate. That's why I want god in my heart because sometimes following the Bible hurts but it leads to ultimate happiness in the end.

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

I'm sorry for your Payne and wish nothing but the best hopefully what ever you pick works out . Make sure your read your Bible and pray. I hope your not making him look bad and hateful on purpose and if he is 100 percent what you say he is I'm sorry it makes you sad . May God be with you and your husband.

 

[CharliRenee]

First, so sorry that you are enduring these struggles. I understand it isn't an easy choice. I think the Lord knows your heart, and knows you don't take your wedding vows lightly. It is a question I think only you can answer. I would seek Christian pastoral or professional counsel on your own too. Being a divorced woman, I am not in a position to say one way or the other, so I will pray for you and your marriage and decision. God Bless dear. Again, I understand how painful it can be. Hugs.

 

[Hungry]

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

I’m not blaming you. I sympathize with you. My situation is different than yours but sounded familiar. I was just making sure you were looking at your issues with an honest perspective. Some people in your circumstance don’t.

 

[kaylagrl]

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

It's not your fault. As I said,my sister has been dealing with this for years. She's a mess. She's starving herself to try and look younger and attractive, she's a beautiful girl. She cries alone and no one knows how broken she is. She does everything alone. I know you wanted kids but it's a small blessing you don't have them. My sister is raising her kids as a single parent. So it annoys me so much that some of the men in this thread are blaming you. It's not your fault. You've said you're not perfect, fine, but it's not about that. You are willing to go for help, you are willing to change if need be. He is not. So I don't need to hear his side of the story. He's refusing help and until he's willing to go for help the fault lies with him.

 

[kaylagrl]

I get what you are saying, however my point is that if my wife joined tomorrow and gave the same complaints, many on here would tell her to divorce me on grounds of abuse. If you don’t know the whole story, you really shouldn’t sway anyone to get a divorce.

Would you go to get help with your wife if she was willing to go? If your wife came on here and said she didn't want a divorce,she wanted to do what was right,she was willing to go to counseling and change what she needed to like the OP has and you were refusing to go for help for ten yrs,yes,I would tell her the same thing. But you would go for help and you do love your wife and you're not the husband in this story. So don't get confused with the two. Your wife has issues that have nothing to do with you. See,I didn't take her side and tell her to dump you. She has issue she needs to face and they are in her past. You can't fix it if you gave all the love in the world and constant attention. It's something broken in her and until she faces it and has the courage to go for help she and you will continue to be unhappy and miserable in your marriage. I hope that she goes for help. That is exactly what I would tell her to do. And if she refuses then she is doing the same as this husband is doing. And she's wrong.

 

[Hungry]

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

I think we had a rough start. Here you are in complete turmoil, coming to a Christian site hoping to find loving brothers and sisters help you in your time of need. Instead of compassion you feel condemnation. I sincerely apologize for any anxiety I added to your burden. I didn’t intend to put you on the defensive. Just exhale, feel the arms of Christ pull you in closer and rest in His embrace. Let Him hold you up for a bit and know He’s not going to let you fall. Accept that you are not being rejected. Your husband just isn’t strong enough for himself now. Perhaps you reminding him that he is a crappy husband further beats down his ego and he fears a councillor will only echo the thoughts that he isn’t enough. If he is depressed then what he needs is winnable challenges. Nothing makes you feel like a winner like....winning. Maybe it’s been awhile since his last “adda boy!” Maybe he’s feeling unfulfilled and needs a boost. Midlife crisis isn’t out of the question, neither is low testosterone. Be blessed sister.