Hey Everyone,
This is a subject I've been thinking about lately -- is there a difference between having standards for dating, and just plain being a snob?
I went to a Christian high school, and ironically, the kids who were considered cool were 1. athletic, 2. good-looking, and 3. usually outwardly rebelling in some way. I was not considered any of those things (though I had my own subtle ways of rebelling) and was a part of the crowd that didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, and was seen as a boring, "weird" (as one of the popular girls informed me) nerd who "attracted all the other nerds" (as yet another popular girl was more than happy to point out to me.)
At the time I felt awkward about it, but as I've gotten older, it's a title I'm certainly not ashamed of anymore, and will happily forever see myself as a grown-up, boring nerd.
The funny thing I've found is that when I was a more active member of the dating pool (on dating sites, etc.), I would regularly get blasted by guys who found out I was hoping to find another non-smoker, non-partyer, and non-drug user, and would then tell me things such as, "Wow, you really think you're too good for anyone, don't you? Well, you're really missing out, and it's totally your loss," then block me before even giving me a chance to explain.
I can't tell you how ironic it is to me to find that the exact same qualities that caused other people to call me a loser in high school now seem to incite the wrath of people who now tell me I'm a stuck-up snob.
And the funny thing is, if they let me tell a little more of my story, they'd find out that I finally caved to the peer pressure of always being told my standards were too high, making exceptions to almost every regular standard I thought I had--and thoroughly regretted it.
* I went on a few dates with someone who did drugs, and then about had a heart attack when I realized he carried them with him everywhere (I always had to drive because he'd had his license revoked) and could have cared less if we would have been stopped and put in jail. He probably would have thought it was amusing, because all my life, people have told me, "It would be so funny to get you all messed up." Um... no thanks.
* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids.
* There are actually reasons why I made the choices I did. For instance, I've never been officially tested but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to smoke, and even being around smoke-saturated clothing or areas make my eyes and lungs feel like they're on fire. I'm also fairly sure I'm allergic to alcohol, and while I have absolutely nothing against occasional responsible social drinking (and have no personal moral problems eating some foods cooked with alcohol), after seeing it wreak havoc in far too many lives, it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable around on a regular daily basis.
With all the sensitivities I seem to have around things like alcohol and second-hand smoke, there's no way I would even want to consider being around (let alone trying) drugs.
Disclaimer: I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't get too caught up in my personal example, because it's only meant to give an illustration of the topic. I am also certainly NOT trying to say in any way, shape, or form, that someone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs is somehow completely undateable--NOT AT ALL.
I believe it's something that has to be taken on an individual basis. One of the reasons I made exceptions in the past is because the person I dated would say he was in the middle of quitting or was attending programs to help him quit, but things wound up only getting worse, which I very much realize might not be the case for everyone.
And I certainly don't hold the same "so-called" standards for friendships alone--some of my best friends have been chain smokers, etc. and are from all walks of life--but for myself, hanging out with someone who smokes occasionally vs. being around someone who smokes all the time (such as in a relationship) are very different circumstances.
The whole point of this thread is to get people talking about their points of view and experiences, rather than the one I'm giving here. I'm just throwing out this example as a starting point for our conversation. I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:
* What kinds of dating standards do you have that people criticize, and why?
* Has it caused you to change or make exceptions? What were the results?
* Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?
* Where is the line between having high standards, and just plain being a snob?
For my own life, I've come to the conclusion that I have to stick to what I've learned through trial and (mostly) error, ask God what direction I need to keep going in, and let people think what they will.
How about the rest of you?
This is a subject I've been thinking about lately -- is there a difference between having standards for dating, and just plain being a snob?
I went to a Christian high school, and ironically, the kids who were considered cool were 1. athletic, 2. good-looking, and 3. usually outwardly rebelling in some way. I was not considered any of those things (though I had my own subtle ways of rebelling) and was a part of the crowd that didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, and was seen as a boring, "weird" (as one of the popular girls informed me) nerd who "attracted all the other nerds" (as yet another popular girl was more than happy to point out to me.)
At the time I felt awkward about it, but as I've gotten older, it's a title I'm certainly not ashamed of anymore, and will happily forever see myself as a grown-up, boring nerd.
The funny thing I've found is that when I was a more active member of the dating pool (on dating sites, etc.), I would regularly get blasted by guys who found out I was hoping to find another non-smoker, non-partyer, and non-drug user, and would then tell me things such as, "Wow, you really think you're too good for anyone, don't you? Well, you're really missing out, and it's totally your loss," then block me before even giving me a chance to explain.
I can't tell you how ironic it is to me to find that the exact same qualities that caused other people to call me a loser in high school now seem to incite the wrath of people who now tell me I'm a stuck-up snob.
And the funny thing is, if they let me tell a little more of my story, they'd find out that I finally caved to the peer pressure of always being told my standards were too high, making exceptions to almost every regular standard I thought I had--and thoroughly regretted it.
* I went on a few dates with someone who did drugs, and then about had a heart attack when I realized he carried them with him everywhere (I always had to drive because he'd had his license revoked) and could have cared less if we would have been stopped and put in jail. He probably would have thought it was amusing, because all my life, people have told me, "It would be so funny to get you all messed up." Um... no thanks.
* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids.
* There are actually reasons why I made the choices I did. For instance, I've never been officially tested but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to smoke, and even being around smoke-saturated clothing or areas make my eyes and lungs feel like they're on fire. I'm also fairly sure I'm allergic to alcohol, and while I have absolutely nothing against occasional responsible social drinking (and have no personal moral problems eating some foods cooked with alcohol), after seeing it wreak havoc in far too many lives, it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable around on a regular daily basis.
With all the sensitivities I seem to have around things like alcohol and second-hand smoke, there's no way I would even want to consider being around (let alone trying) drugs.
Disclaimer: I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't get too caught up in my personal example, because it's only meant to give an illustration of the topic. I am also certainly NOT trying to say in any way, shape, or form, that someone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs is somehow completely undateable--NOT AT ALL.
I believe it's something that has to be taken on an individual basis. One of the reasons I made exceptions in the past is because the person I dated would say he was in the middle of quitting or was attending programs to help him quit, but things wound up only getting worse, which I very much realize might not be the case for everyone.
And I certainly don't hold the same "so-called" standards for friendships alone--some of my best friends have been chain smokers, etc. and are from all walks of life--but for myself, hanging out with someone who smokes occasionally vs. being around someone who smokes all the time (such as in a relationship) are very different circumstances.
The whole point of this thread is to get people talking about their points of view and experiences, rather than the one I'm giving here. I'm just throwing out this example as a starting point for our conversation. I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:
* What kinds of dating standards do you have that people criticize, and why?
* Has it caused you to change or make exceptions? What were the results?
* Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?
* Where is the line between having high standards, and just plain being a snob?
For my own life, I've come to the conclusion that I have to stick to what I've learned through trial and (mostly) error, ask God what direction I need to keep going in, and let people think what they will.
How about the rest of you?
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