Need help, wife has lost interest

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tgia413 said:
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair. A one time incident with a man she knows from out of state. Obviously I was devastated. But the more devastating thing is that in the wake of the incident, she's less interested in saving our marriage than I am. She said that for some time she hasn't viewed me romantically, but more as her best friend. I don't know how to respond to that, because most advice to men in struggling marriages I have found is to more-or-less be a friend to her: do things for her (chores, favors, gifts), without wanting anything in return. But that's a big part of what has gotten me into the situation I am. I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.
The issue is not about physical appearance either. I go to the gym every day and keep myself healthy. I had long-hair, which she didn't like; so I cut it off -- and she liked it less. I'm obviously not without fault. I'm 28, and like many in my generation I have struggled with pornography (On and off since age 10). She knew about it from very early in our relationship, and I know that it has contributed to her not wanting to be intimate. Yet, throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ, and a spirit of forgiveness I wouldn't have thought possible. So I'm doing all that I can to return the favor -- but again, by being kind, gentle, and forgiving through this I'm being her friend; someone she can't view as a romantic partner.
We've been married for 5 years, and together for 8. She was my first sexual partner, and I waited until our wedding night. Prior to me she had a few sexual partners - one for several years who was not very good to her.
I mention this because whenever we've had sex, I have been fully satisfied, but she has admitted to being bored and unsatisfied. She gravitates toward fantasies of "bad boys," which could describe all her past partners and the person she most recently got involved with.
Her heart is more kind and loving than anyone I've ever known though, and not only do I fear losing her over this. If our marriage fails, I fear she will run into the arms of an emotionally or even physically abusive new partner. I don't want this for the love of my life. And I am fully committed to the vows I took on my wedding day.
I'm trying everyday to give it to God and have faith that He will heal our marriage. I am re-dedicated to giving up porn once and for all: I'm seeing a counselor, and reading books on the topic. When she first told me of the incident, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor, but is now saying she doesn't want to go.
Any suggestions on what I can do?
Click to expand...
TGIA - I can absolutely empathize with what you are going thru and what you are experiencing with your wife...
For you - YES - it is all about the actions that you take moving forward to demonstrate your willingness to fight for your marriage... Counseling is important and a great start; your actual willingness and actual giving up pornography is an essential actionable step towards demonstrating your desires to repent your sins and to fully embrace our lord's will...
For her - YES - counseling is essential... Your wife is demonstrating characteristics, behaviors, and decisions that are consistent with persons whom are inclined to sabotage relationships...
The fact that she does not show remorse for her sins, and that she was on and then off for marriage counseling are both very telling and eerily similar to behaviors and actions that my wife made prior to HER decision to separate and move toward ending the marriage...

My wife was on-board with marriage counseling (initially, once things were beginning to go south in her mind)... It is critical to convince her to consider attending your marriage counselor - individually...
I am convinced that individual counseling does not equate to helping the marriage - infact, there is research that shows that individual counseling can infact have negative impacts upon a marriage (especially if they are making recommendations that are interpreted to enable actions that are akin to sabotaging trust in a relationship)...
If you are able to convince her that it is in both of your best interest - regardless of the outcome to receive counseling - I pray that you are able to convince your counselor that it is your intent that you want your counselor's company's full support in working with your wife individually - initially - with the objective to re-group and focus upon the marriage...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being her best-friend - after all that is the dream - to fall in love and be married to your best friend... My spidey sense suspects that this wrong-minded thinking is also a very self-serving sharade only to disguise her objective to sabotage this marriage...
I suggest that you consider the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness - Program - Lone-Ranger Track...
https://marriagemax.com/
I did his program, it is solid and effective and it has a high rate of success; He has numerous success stories that have even recovered from infidelity... While he does not necessarily pitch his program as a 'christian-based' program - it absolutely has all of the ingredients based upon good morals, values etc (to include a consistent position re pornography - for example)...

Another good recommendations is this link for marriage prayers - I combed thru this website and provided my wife a new marriage prayer every day; along with a new love letter/note...
http://marriageprayers.today/

Unfortunately, in my wife's case there were just too many other contributing factors at play...

I will pray for you, for your wife and for your marriage - Good Luck and God Bless...
 
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ForeverisNow7 said:
I completely agree with this. You both committed adultery. Your use of porn was regular adultery. The husband should protect and uphold his marriage. Struggling with porn since you were 10 should have been a tip-off that you were not ready to be a husband until you were ready to leave all other women behind.

This does not dismiss her affair, either. You both took vows and you both broke them. Now you need to pray about whether you can reconcile your marriage after your foundation of trust has been shattered. Marriage should be built on love and trust, not lies, deceit, and betrayal.
Click to expand...


yeah, if porn is an issue, you need to get rid of it, if it's on the internet, get rid of the internet at home, and restrict yourself to public access internet only, IE using a computer at your local library. I've found that there is no temptation to look at it when you know any one can look over your shoulder at any time. If you have movies that could be a stumbling block, than get rid of them, You know I am not perfect and I was 13 when a friend took me into the school library to show me nude celebrities on the internet, that's where my addiction started, I have burned quite a few movies that are in appropriate for a Christian to watch, I spent at least 6 months going through over 400 movies reducing it from about 400 to 360.

I wasn't raised in a Christian home, and it's a lot harder to be a good Christian when you have bad habbits that you never should have had in the first place, I mean God has shown me how wicked and vile pornogrophy is, but when your the only one in a secular family to convert to Christianity and you spend most of your life living with depression
and in isolation, it makes it nearly impossible to stay right with God.

But I know I gotta get rid of it because it's the right thing to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks of me, no matter how weird I seem to be like the only one on earth who does not have internet access at home. Not only that, I would love to find a wife and get married and have a family some day, I want my marrage to succeed and I don't want my children to have to go through the hardship of trying to over come a porn addiction.
 
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tgia413 said:
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair. A one time incident with a man she knows from out of state. Obviously I was devastated. But the more devastating thing is that in the wake of the incident, she's less interested in saving our marriage than I am. She said that for some time she hasn't viewed me romantically, but more as her best friend. I don't know how to respond to that, because most advice to men in struggling marriages I have found is to more-or-less be a friend to her: do things for her (chores, favors, gifts), without wanting anything in return. But that's a big part of what has gotten me into the situation I am. I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.
The issue is not about physical appearance either. I go to the gym every day and keep myself healthy. I had long-hair, which she didn't like; so I cut it off -- and she liked it less. I'm obviously not without fault. I'm 28, and like many in my generation I have struggled with pornography (On and off since age 10). She knew about it from very early in our relationship, and I know that it has contributed to her not wanting to be intimate. Yet, throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ, and a spirit of forgiveness I wouldn't have thought possible. So I'm doing all that I can to return the favor -- but again, by being kind, gentle, and forgiving through this I'm being her friend; someone she can't view as a romantic partner.
We've been married for 5 years, and together for 8. She was my first sexual partner, and I waited until our wedding night. Prior to me she had a few sexual partners - one for several years who was not very good to her.
I mention this because whenever we've had sex, I have been fully satisfied, but she has admitted to being bored and unsatisfied. She gravitates toward fantasies of "bad boys," which could describe all her past partners and the person she most recently got involved with.
Her heart is more kind and loving than anyone I've ever known though, and not only do I fear losing her over this. If our marriage fails, I fear she will run into the arms of an emotionally or even physically abusive new partner. I don't want this for the love of my life. And I am fully committed to the vows I took on my wedding day.
I'm trying every day to give it to God and have faith that He will heal our marriage. I am re-dedicated to giving up porn once and for all: I'm seeing a counselor, and reading books on the topic. When she first told me of the incident, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor, but is now saying she doesn't want to go.
Any suggestions on what I can do?
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to say this but you've already lost her. The rest is just paperwork.

You're 28 years old. You have the rest of your life to find someone new. You're heart will heal over time. It's horrible but you'll get through it.

You didn't mention kids, so I'm assuming you don't have any. Coming from a parent with infidelity issues divorce is the way to go. It's very hard on kids to watch their parents cheat on another... Even worse your wife will drag your kids into her lies to you. And yes they do cheat again.
 
blueluna5 said:
I'm sorry to say this but you've already lost her. The rest is just paperwork.

You're 28 years old. You have the rest of your life to find someone new. You're heart will heal over time. It's horrible but you'll get through it.

You didn't mention kids, so I'm assuming you don't have any. Coming from a parent with infidelity issues divorce is the way to go. It's very hard on kids to watch their parents cheat on another... Even worse your wife will drag your kids into her lies to you. And yes they do cheat again.
Click to expand...

We really need to end this thread, This guy's first and last post was in Oct. LOL....
 
1christian1 said:
We really need to end this thread, This guy's first and last post was in Oct. LOL....
Click to expand...
Careful, you will actually have people complain at you for such comments. Apparently people dislike when you alert them to the fact that they are responding to people who won't read their responses.
 
I_am_Canadian said:
yeah, if porn is an issue, you need to get rid of it, if it's on the internet, get rid of the internet at home, and restrict yourself to public access internet only, IE using a computer at your local library. I've found that there is no temptation to look at it when you know any one can look over your shoulder at any time. If you have movies that could be a stumbling block, than get rid of them, You know I am not perfect and I was 13 when a friend took me into the school library to show me nude celebrities on the internet, that's where my addiction started, I have burned quite a few movies that are in appropriate for a Christian to watch, I spent at least 6 months going through over 400 movies reducing it from about 400 to 360.

I wasn't raised in a Christian home, and it's a lot harder to be a good Christian when you have bad habbits that you never should have had in the first place, I mean God has shown me how wicked and vile pornogrophy is, but when your the only one in a secular family to convert to Christianity and you spend most of your life living with depression
and in isolation, it makes it nearly impossible to stay right with God.

But I know I gotta get rid of it because it's the right thing to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks of me, no matter how weird I seem to be like the only one on earth who does not have internet access at home. Not only that, I would love to find a wife and get married and have a family some day, I want my marrage to succeed and I don't want my children to have to go through the hardship of trying to over come a porn addiction.
Click to expand...

Praise the Lord that you decided to accept Christ and be transformed into a new man. Sanctification is a process-- it does not happen overnight. But you are taking all the right steps to separate yourself from the things of this world which took you down a dark and deadly road. I pray that God will give you the strength, deliverance, and courage to keep walking in the Light and to celebrate the freedom that Jesus paid for all of us. Stand firm on your resolve to not allow porn into your home and you will be blessed for it!
 
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I felt sympathy until I read porn. No, your wife is I sin for cheating but you are too. Unless you both repent before G-d and change/ STOP …. He can save your marriage …. but if not you ARE BOTH EQUAL PIECES OF CRAP.... There fore you are equal.... GET DIVORCED OR LET G-D HEAL YOU... BUT YOU BOTH ARE EQUAL …. I would have left you the first day with porn!!!!
 
Nehemiah6 said:
You would be well within your rights to make this a reason for divorce and be done with her. It takes two to make a marriage, and she evidently has no interest. You should move on, and find a spouse with Christian character and commitment. Note well: "Prior to me she had a few sexual partners".
Click to expand...
What you are advising goes against the will of God. If this man is to divorce her, he won't be guilty of fornication, but God never wants a Divorcement for any reason, still if she is alive then neither of them are to marry anyone. Whoever married her then will commit sin and whoever he married will commit sin.

He doesn't want that. He wants to save his marriage and keep it going. Do we have no faith or hope God can turn A Christian brother's marriage in a good direction? Should he just give up now and break his covenant and set an ungodly example for all of us who may go through the same thing someday with our spouses? Is it not greater to love your spouse so dearly you would never leave them no matter what they do as God does for us?

Again, even if he can divorce without sin, it would never be the option the Lord would advise or want us to take. It's something humans pleaded for because they cared more about themselves than their spouses who did them wrong.

But in multiple scriptures it gives us reasons not to divorce or remarry or to separate that God has brought a man and woman together in marriage.
 
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This guy hasn't been here since Halloween. I wonder how things are going or if he'll be back because I don't think he read any of the answers people left here. He was new and only posted this the last day he was seen. May the Lord save their marriage, I know that's what Christ would want.
 
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ForeverisNow7 said:
Praise the Lord that you decided to accept Christ and be transformed into a new man. Sanctification is a process-- it does not happen overnight. But you are taking all the right steps to separate yourself from the things of this world which took you down a dark and deadly road. I pray that God will give you the strength, deliverance, and courage to keep walking in the Light and to celebrate the freedom that Jesus paid for all of us. Stand firm on your resolve to not allow porn into your home and you will be blessed for it!
Click to expand...

Thanks.
 
[QUOTE =“Dan58，帖子：3760126，成员：180845”]听起来不像你的“妻子”准备结婚或能够承诺。你写道“ 在我的挣扎中，她向我展示了基督的爱 ”。新闻一闪而过，犯下通奸并没有向你展示基督的爱..而她对无聊或不满意的抱怨也不是欺骗的借口。如果她真的认为你是一个好朋友，她会背后的坏男孩作弊吗？我会把她当成一个坏习惯。[/ QUOTE]
是
 
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