HistoryPrincess, you have brought up a host of major topic that are each massive in and of themselves, but I just wanted to start by responding to your OP. Others have offered some really helpful thoughts along the lines of what I was thinking, but I thought I would piggyback off of those.
I do want to say first of all that I admire your self-awareness in knowing that you tend to see things black and white. I would just encourage you to continue exercising that muscle that allows you to see things in the gray area. It will help tremendously to be able to pinpoint where the line between good and bad lies.
In its own way, our culture is preaching sermons every day. Through movies, television, music, magazines, news outlets, etc. we hear sermons about sexuality--what it is, what is okay, what is not, etc. I think the biggest misconception about sex that our culture pushes on us is that it is a purely physical act. Our culture is also incredibly individualistic, which is not good once you get into the realm of sexual ethics and morality.
As has been said already, the church has not done a great job of teaching on this topic either as the emphasis has been so much on guilting and shaming people who do anything related to it outside of marriage.
I think the key here is to understand exactly what sex is. Sex was a gift given to us by God as a means of pleasure here on earth. It was God who gave us the parts and mechanisms that make sex and its pleasure possible. Sex existed before sin entered the world. There is a Hebrew world for sex called "dode" which literally translates to mean "a mingling of souls." Sex is not merely physical, but it encompasses the mind, emotions, etc. In the brain, sex triggers a powerful release of oxytocin, which causes a feeling of bonding between the two people involved, and dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical. When you understand just how closely the brain, mind, body, and soul are connected, and how powerful an effect sex can have either for better or for worse, you can see how, when it is exercised the way that God intended for us, it brings us great joy, but when it is made an idol, when it is practiced selfishly, or when it is used as a weapon against other people, it can powerfully wound as well.
Having sexual urges is a huge struggle for most of us who are single. It makes it even more difficult when our culture has become so influenced by an ethic of self-actualization and basically doing whatever it is you want to do, and we see so many images and hear so many references to sex all the time. We are encouraged to believe that waiting for marriage is rigid religious silliness while the church tells us that it will heap on us unrelinquishable shame. And so we are stuck in this tug-of-war that would have existed already without the additional voices being added to the picture.
I would just say to keep in mind that how connected the brain, mind, and body are. I think it is easy to believe that only orgasm will relieve our sexual urges, but that's just not true. As I said before, sex is more than just a physical act. It engages the brain, mind, and soul along with the body. There are ways to live a satisfying and fulfilling life without ever having an orgasm. Our culture does us a disservice by refusing to believe that. There are actually other means by with dopamine and oxytocin are relased by the brain. Dopamine can be released by exercise, eating, etc. Oxytocin can actually be released just by hugging a friend. Sex obviously isn't the only good gift God has given us. He has given us food, the ability to form close, edifying relationships, animals, nature, etc. Most importantly God has given us relationship with Himself where true fulfillment and satisfaction are found. This is the way He created us to be. I know you mentioned not being entirely settled with who God is or with Christian theological teaching on that matter, and hopefully I can address that at some point too.
Lastly, I just wanted to say that, in thinking about sex from a spiritual perspective, we have to keep in mind that Jesus always went to the heart of the matter in talking about sin. Everyone sins sexually in one way or another, and everyone is in need of God's love and grace. We are all in need of forgiveness in that area, and we can all know that we have been forgiven of past, present, and future sin in that area. God has redeemed us and is continually working in us to heal us of our brokenness in this area. There is no reason for further guilt and shame. I think looking at it with this lens gives us freedom to be honest about our sexual brokenness, to be more open about that and to talk about our struggles, and to be able to trust God knowing that He is not the enemy of our joy, but is for us and desires that we experience all of the gifts He has given to us in the fullness of joy with which He intended. And I think that allows us to trust Him in knowing that even if there are certain gifts we never get to experience, He will still always be enough for us.
I hope this was somewhat helpful at least.
