well for some of us who have never even had a pleasant experience with sex, not once, nothing fulfilling from sex, nothing but intense pain associated with sex and have reached their mid 30s to be incredibly lonely without almost any friends and zero prospects of getting married at any point in the foreseeable future, masturbation provides the only small bit of relief to what is incredibly painful sexual frustration. And for anyone who wishes to condemn me for that I'd like to ask how much of your life have you spent in solitude? How many happy relationships had you been in by the age of 34? Were you married by that age? How many years of your life have you gone without a moment of feeling attractive or desired by any woman, while at the same time finding love and companionship remains the #1 desire of your heart, always a source of pain? I have had little sexual experience-- and I'm not proud of it and would have no qualms erasing that from my past. But other than a few regrettable sexual experiences, I have nothing from my own life to supply any concrete reference to the profound power of what intimacy is. I have never been promiscuous and never wanted to be, have no interest in casual sex.
I want love. It's the only thing I want from this life.
Sex without love is meaningless. But a life without any love as well as the other thing-- guess what, it's pretty sad and depressing. And I've heard every pep talk before about how ok it is to be alone and how I don't anyone to be happy and blah blah blah. I haven't met too many men or women who were never married by age 34 and who wanted to be. I don't have any fantasies in my mind involving myself having sex either. Masturbation has never had anything to do with that. Because the thought of something like that is more removed from my reality than the garbage depicted in porn. Yes porn is a problem and so is the other thing. But what's killing me inside is the loneliness. The lack of connection. The lack of possibilities. Now I already hear the "Get off your butt and do something" response coming. Please don't assume you know the story about someone before you have developed any curiosity of understanding it.
You think I wanted my life to be this way. You think I wanted to reach the point where the only association I have with sex is through lonely self-treatment? I didn't choose to want something that has eluded me for 34 years and seems impossible to have. I didn't choose to be a sensitive and intense man who doesn't embody the qualities of the 'common man.' I didn't choose the way my hormones work or the fact that sexual desire is a powerfully driving force. And I don't look for meaningless sex, which I probably wouldn't find anyways, for the purpose of tempering this famished, aching urge. Only God may judge me.
Frankly if I had no hormones, if I were just a eunuch living in a monastery it would be less different than my circumstances as they are, except for the suffering endured due to perennial deprivation and isolation.
You can tell me all you want about the evils of masturbation. I could tell you about the suicidal suffering of severe loneliness and an adulthood devoid of any love or intimate relationships. Loneliness kills, making yourself have an orgasm doesn't. I didn't choose to be lonely and I didn't choose for loneliness to hurt as much as it does.
I have read several of your posts, and you do a good job of conveying the pain you are in. I am completely empathetic to it, and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away.
But honestly, there are some fundamental truths I think you have yet to embrace or understand. The primary truth being that ANOTHER PERSON is NOT going to make you happy or fill in the void in your life. At best, it would be only a TEMPORARY drop in a very deep bucket to make you FEEL less empty.
FEELINGS are temporary. I can feel sad, depressed, angry, worrisome, lonely, happy, horny, hungry, ....Etc... Those are all temporary feelings. Some, like maybe depression, can last a long time, and may seem like will never end. But it WILL.
TRUTH on the other hand, is ETERNAL. And Jesus IS THE TRUTH< THE WAY< AND THE LIFE!
Now you can look at the FACT, with the knowledge, and the Joy, that one day all your pain will fade to nothingness and the mere Presence of the Lord will be beyond your wildest hope, and experience that NOW. It IS really a choice.
It is all how you look at it. THINK about the INCREDIBLE blessings in your life right now. You, like virtually ALL in the West, have never gone a day in your life hungry. If we were to just stop at that blessing, it would seem unreal to many people today and most throughout history.
But I'd encourage you to sit down and write out all the blessings in your life. I bet if you think and pray on it, it will take some time to do. Material things like heat and A/C, telephone, TV, computers, internet, HOUSE, car, roads, parks, etc, etc, etc, And non material things like people on HERE who care about you, a Lord that died for YOU, making a Way to be with Him forever.
So I know you don't want to hear "get up and do something" but I would say that upon realizing your blessings, you may be able to take your focus off of YOU and on to other people. Their pains and needs. It is VERY difficult to feel bad while helping others.
May God Bless and open your heart to ALL that you have to offer the world!
