I was once told my eternity is based on my performance, and always feared I could fall away from God. And I also saw many people walk away from God because they could not live up to the standard the church imposed on them, and instead of helping them, just judged them.
Legalism is dangerous. Dangerous to the one who believes in it, whether they think they do or not, and to those who are held prisoner by it.
That's one of the reasons I stopped going to church for approx 15 years.
If that wasn't bad enough such people wrote me of as an unbeliever.
I remember when we wanted to dedicate my eldest daughter 17 years ago.
I got a call from the elder and it's was along the lines off "I see Katie is being dedicated on Sunday, can you honestly stand up in front of church that you no longer come to and dedicate your daughter to God?
I said "yes I can, in fact when she was born that's the first thing I did anyway in the delivery room.
I have seen people act in the right way at church yet I know they are broken and hurt. I was not going to be that person.
I left church not because I lost my faith in Jesus but lost my faith in the people of this church and you are one of them. So if you insist on me not standing in front of church and dedicating my daughter, go ahead because I've already done it anyway. I did it the first second she was in my arms, I lifted her up and gave her back to God"
No one and I mean no one came looking for me. It took 13 years before someone did, and that was the new leader who did not know me, but my wife was working in the church. He asked about me.
She explained what I was going through. Explained that any time I thought about going to church I could not sleep, I had nightmares, I couldn't eat and my anxiety and depression went through the roof. The worst nightmares were on Saturday nights.
Then I just couldn't go, then guilt overwhelmed me and added more weight on my shoulders.
Do you know what and this is shocking, when I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and made it to church I had people who knew me come up and say "Hello are you new here" thinking they were funny. On those few occasions is go home and cry.
Every day for those years I cried out to God and cried before God.
I thank God for the new elder. He came to see me. No agenda, just wanted to say hello. He didn't press church attendance at all.
For the next couple of years when I did go to church he sought me out, just to say hello. Talk about football, work. Ask how I was doing. When I didn't go he would say to my wife "Say hello to Bill from me"
It was he that eventually sought out, and it was he that walked me back into the church.
It was he that reassured me that I wasn't lost but understood why I had stopped coming to church. It was he that discipled me, walked in grace and revealed the grace of God.
It was he that agreed to restore me back to a ministry in church (yes it's true, before I stopped going to church I had a ministry) but it was a different one.
Legalism sucks the life out of someone, holds them prisoner, that was me.
Grace brings life and releases the prisoner, that's what I am now.
You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.
