If You Have Someone In the Friend Zone, Why Are You Keeping Them There?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Forget "The Twilight Zone".

As singles, the most mysterious place in the universe to us is "The Friend Zone".

* If you have a friend that you're keeping in The Friend Zone, why are you keeping them there?

* What is it about this person that makes them good enough to be a friend, but doesn't quite qualify as "more than a friend'?

* Do you have anyone that you Friend Zoned in the past, but have come to regret it?

* On the flipside, how do you react when someone "Friend Zones" you? Do you tend to accept it, or do you keep working at trying to win the person's affections?

Part of the inspiration for this thread is remembering a guy friend I used to have whom I kept in the Friend Zone for a myriad of reasons: family differences, differences in ministry interests, long distance, and the fact that I didn't really believe he was fully over his divorce yet.

I look back now and sometimes wonder if I missed the boat (he was a terrific guy), but I really do think the girl he married was much more compatible with what he was looking for, so I try to believe it was all for the best.

When I was younger, if a guy I liked Friend Zoned me, admittedly, I would usually ignore it and just keep trying, whether subtly or not-so-subtly (i.e., telling him I still liked him, etc.)

Yup, back then I had the potential to make a good stalker!!!

Now, I just try to accept keep reminding myself that life goes on.

How about you?

What have your experiences been with The Friend Zone?

 

[Lynx]

Another question: Have you ever unintentionally friend-zoned someone, then years later found out they were wanting something more?

Never happened to me, but I've heard of it so I thought I'd throw it in.

 

[melita916]

When I was friend zoned, I just accepted it. Lol

 

[1LonelyKnight]

You are now entering ...
The Twilight Zone

... Age cannot wither her,
nor custom stale
Her infinite variety. Other
women cloy
The appetites they feed,
but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies. . . .

Antony And Cleopatra Act 2, scene 2, 232–237

 

[zeroturbulence]

..................

 

[PinkDiamond]

I may find someone enjoyable as a friend, but I may not feel he has all the qualities I am hoping to find in a spouse. It could also be as simple as lack of compatibility on some major beliefs. That goes both ways. Personally, I try to be friends with anyone who desires a friendship with me. I can be friends with someone and not agree completely on our world view, spiritual beliefs, political views, etc. ( I won't accept Red Sox fans...this shows a serious lack of judgment, lol) I try to focus on what we have in common. However, I want to be more in sync with my spouse. I think a lot of extra tension in a relationship can be avoided if you are on the same page with your spouse and have common goals for your future.

One thing I think is important to keep in mind is that it may be more harmful to a person to try to stay friends with them if they really only are interested in a relationship. I think even though it is awkward and hard, it's best to be totally upfront about your preference to stay only friends and give true reasons. The other person can then decide if they can handle staying friends. I think some people will always hope for more if they feel they have a chance. I've noticed that some, whether intentional or not, do enjoy keeping members of the opposite sex around. The relationship is never really defined and is very grey. They aren't dating, but also not completely platonic. I think that can really be harmful to the person that wishes for more.

 

[JonahLynx]

* Do you have anyone that you Friend Zoned in the past, but have come to regret it?

Yeah actually there was one girl my current self would date in a heartbeat but I'm ashamed to say my past self wasn't looking for the right qualities in a person. It definitely works out better for her in the end.

 

[cinder]

Hey Everyone,

Forget "The Twilight Zone".

As singles, the most mysterious place in the universe to us is "The Friend Zone".

* If you have a friend that you're keeping in The Friend Zone, why are you keeping them there?

* What is it about this person that makes them good enough to be a friend, but doesn't quite qualify as "more than a friend'?

* Do you have anyone that you Friend Zoned in the past, but have come to regret it?

* On the flipside, how do you react when someone "Friend Zones" you? Do you tend to accept it, or do you keep working at trying to win the person's affections?

Personally I wonder if we know when we've friend zoned people. After all isn't the difference between being friends and being friend zoned usually that one party desires to be more than friends and the other is oblivious to the fact or has turned them down flat? So does the oblivious person know they're oblivious? Usually for me, if someone is just a friend, it's a combination of I don't feel like I know them well enough and I have no ability to either communicate my own interest or notice when others are trying to communicate it (unless they actually come out and say it plainly).

As far as regrets, there was this one guy once that I was pretty good friends with and while a group of us were hanging out another friend ( who was rather certain I must need to be set up or she was going to figure out what kind of guy I liked or something, I don't even know what) got started on the topic of guys I could date and was like... what about him. Super awkward situation, especially since he was standing right there, so I blurt out the best conversation killer I could to close down that topic which was a rather decisive no. That wasn't a strong objection to the guy ( the situation at the time would have made starting a relationship unwise) but I often wonder if he took it as a rejection of him instead of what it really was, a rejection of being put on the spot and having my private life opened up as a matter of public discussion. I just hope he didn't feel rejected or unworthy as a result of that, but we never actually talked it out so I don't know.

As far as me being in the friend zone, well I've learned to value friendship so I'll usually recognize the value of having a good guy in my life even as just a friend. Doesn't mean I'm immune to hoping that when he gets to know me better he'll realize I might be worth being upgraded though, but like I said before, I seem to be incapable of showing interest in a way that's understood as such so this strategy lends itself to good friends and few dates (though I'm pretty comfortable asking a friend to go do something I think we would both enjoy just because we would both enjoy it and I never consider that they might think that looks too much like a date).

 

[Adstar]

You should never friend zone anyone.. If someone is interested in you in a serious way you either encourage them to pursue you or you put your relationship to an end..

Embrace them or push them away..

All you do by keeping them in the friend zone is drag the pain out over an extended period..
It really is a harsh thing to do to someone..

 

[Tinkerbell725]

I don't friend zone a guy. I just tell him directly that I have no feelings for him and that's the end of the friendship because the feeling is not mutual and it will be hurting on his part to continue the friendship. A guy can't friend zone me too because I will not force myself to someone who cannot reciprocate my feelings. I think staying in the friend zone, when you should be out there looking for someone who wants to be with you, is a waste of time and energy.

 

[melita916]

the only guys i friend zoned were the ones i grew up with. i see them as brothers, and they see me as a sister. for the most part, any guy i met in adulthood wasn't automatically friend zoned because i was getting to know them. but i kept in mind there was the chance of him friend zoning me. with my fiance, i knew that i liked him, but i didn't assume he liked me. i wasn't going to be surprised if he friend zoned me lol.

 

[spunkycat08]

I feel that upfront communication is important.

Regarding my husband's former female friend, he was made aware of the fact that she wanted to date him. He was told this by the guy she was spending time with at that time, who was also a friend of his.

He did not want to hurt her feelings.

He hoped that she would eventually get the message, but when she did not want to, things had to change regarding their friendship.

 

[Lenardzw]

The ladies I grew up with (on our street) are my sisters. That's just how it turned out. I have been friend-zoned by a few ladies that I would have loved to explore a relationship with. One in particular comes to mind.i was really into this lady. We'd spend some time hanging out and talking and then I'd go home. By the time i parked my car at home I was missing her. I'd be just driving my charm (or what passes for charm) in making my move and she'd just park me each time. It turned out she was planning on emigrating but only told me when her paperwork came through.

I have friend-zoned certain ladies as well. For different reasons. One lady was relentless. In a creepy kinda of way. I had made it clear that she was a friend. It appeared she understood until she showed up at my home one Saturday evening, unannounced. That was creepy seeing I'd never given her my address. I had to end the friendship. We had little in common. One factor for me is conversation. I can deal with meeting someone new and find that we hesitantly start making conversation, Once we get to know each other conversation must never be forced.

 

[zeroturbulence]

My friendzone is totally empty. I don't even have anyone to put there.

 

[AsifinPassing]

Hey Everyone,

Forget "The Twilight Zone".

As singles, the most mysterious place in the universe to us is "The Friend Zone".

* If you have a friend that you're keeping in The Friend Zone, why are you keeping them there?

* What is it about this person that makes them good enough to be a friend, but doesn't quite qualify as "more than a friend'?

* Do you have anyone that you Friend Zoned in the past, but have come to regret it?

* On the flipside, how do you react when someone "Friend Zones" you? Do you tend to accept it, or do you keep working at trying to win the person's affections?

Part of the inspiration for this thread is remembering a guy friend I used to have whom I kept in the Friend Zone for a myriad of reasons: family differences, differences in ministry interests, long distance, and the fact that I didn't really believe he was fully over his divorce yet.

I look back now and sometimes wonder if I missed the boat (he was a terrific guy), but I really do think the girl he married was much more compatible with what he was looking for, so I try to believe it was all for the best.

When I was younger, if a guy I liked Friend Zoned me, admittedly, I would usually ignore it and just keep trying, whether subtly or not-so-subtly (i.e., telling him I still liked him, etc.)

Yup, back then I had the potential to make a good stalker!!!

Now, I just try to accept keep reminding myself that life goes on.

How about you?

What have your experiences been with The Friend Zone?

*Answering Sequentially*

Yes. As you pointed out, usually for differences that you feel does somehow disqualify them as a partner. It could be differences in beliefs, life paths, lifestyles, etc... Or something less complex but just as complicated like demographics (age, race, height, weight, etc), geographics (where they live compared to you), or finding that person unattractive or desirable for whatever reason.

When we start talking about romantic relationships & friend-zones, there's this weird mix of feelings, beliefs, preferences, and circumstances/timing that all come into play.

____

Usually some mismatch of those preferences, beliefs, feelings, etc...

____

No, but maybe with more reflection one day, I might. (Though, I'm not usually one to see value in regrets... Feel what you need to, face it, and move on...) There are always those 'what ifs' of childhood friends you had which grew up (like you), and you think... "Sheesh, I missed out on that one." ...but reconnected doesn't always go so well either in that regard (which I've learned firsthand).

So, overall, no. Usually if I friendzone someone, it's for legitimate reasons (on a personal level), whether or not they may be fair.

____

I do keep trying for a while, but I tend to accept it and move on if things don't look like they're going to change. It may be hard or take time, but ultimately it's better than staying stuck. I actually have a scripture quote for this one. The first part of Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."

____

I think I've pretty much answered the 'How about you?'...

As for experiences, I've had many in which I've been put in that friend-zone and in which I put others into the friend-zone.

One of the most memorable I'll share was a girl named Hannah from one of my youth groups back in the day. We were in the same grade, and I'd grown to like her over the years. She was kind and strong and beautiful...having been through a lot. Lol, I have no idea why I went this strange direction (maybe fear of rejection...), but I started having us spend more time chatting online. AOL & Chatsites were a big thing back then...

Anyway, she obviously saw where that was going, and pleaded with me (we were somewhat close, so I do believe this to be sincere) not to ask her out. She explained how every guy she had ever known was only interested in sex or dating, and would ultimately leave/avoid her or start treating her badly when she rejected them. She explained being scared of having that happen to her with me, because I was the only healthy, Christian male relationship she had in life (No dad for different reasons, and a lot of other backstory).

I couldn't argue with that, no matter how much I may have liked her, and told her not to worry about it. I wouldn't bring it up anymore, and things were cool between us. We stayed good friends until I moved (which is a common occurrence in my life ^_^).

 

[Dan58]

A friendship can last forever, but relationships will either end or move forward.

 

[InHisHands]

A friendship can last forever, but relationships will either end or move forward.

Yes, relationships, with others, and with Jesus, are growing or deteriorating, rarely staying the same.

 

[Lenardzw]

I think clarity is important, especially among Christians. I mean if someone is really "throwing his bones" (an expression used in my part of the world, that means "working his charm" - think of a "witch doctor" analogy here...), in the hope that he will somehow win her over and she KNOWS that its not working then she should say, "Look this is not going to happen." Its hard telling someone that you are not keen on a relationship, mainly because its a really awkward conversation, but I think its harder for the person to keep hoping when you know that he/she may as well be trying to grow brussel spouts on Mars. Besides the conversation doesn't have to be that awkward: one can say something like, "I will have to warn your future GF about your irritating slurping sound when you drink coffee!" or something...erm.... more tactful.

And if you have worked out that you are friend-zoned, then its time to cut your losses and decide whether or not you want to remain friends while you start behaving like you've got options.

 

[jeremyPJ]

I think there are two different kinds of "friend zones".
One example is of women I was friends with in the past, maybe we got along great as friends, but just wasn't attracted to them in a way to have a loving relationship/marriage with.

And the other type, that has hurt me a few times. Is when you're good friends with a woman among a group. She's with a guy you know isn't right for her. They break up, and some stud comes from the other side of the country she hasn't seen in years, they're instantly in love and get married. Then she tells me "if it weren't for him, I'd have dated you". Yeah, that hurts. And it's a true story. I told her "if I had a dime for every time I've heard that in my life..." yep I was really tired of that kind of thing happening to me. I was like "what does it take?..." I wasn't Christian yet, and I felt like God was punishing me for some reason I didn't know about. And then my so-called male friends are down on me because I'm not out pursuing sex with any woman I can land in bed. That just never was my style.

I look back on this now with total clarity and see how stupid it all was. But that's the "friend zones" I remember. Pfft.

 

[Lenardzw]

Then she tells me "if it weren't for him, I'd have dated you".

That was just cold. Nobody needs to hear that.