Well I hate to add to your misery but you have issues. Doctrinal issues. You have an incorrect view of election. There is nothing arbitrary about who is saved and who is condemned. Does God know what choice you will make? Yes. Does God force you to make that choice? Nope. Every man has a responsibility to choose between good and evil. It is a consequence of the fall in the garden. God wants you to choose Christ and the diabolical one wants you to reject Christ. You get to cast the deciding vote.
You get what you need from reading or hearing Gods word. Sermonizing male or female is not necessary to come to a saving knowledge of Christ.
We must have certainty of our salvation. Gods word requires it. His Spirit witnesses with our spirit that we are His. As His sheep we hear His voice. He knows us and we know Him.
We must choose to accept Gods grace to be saved. We certainly can do no works to obtain salvation. John 3:18-20 clearly demonstrates that the choice is made by a mans love for light or darkness.
For the cause of Christ
Roger