Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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rachelsedge said:
My heart aches for you because, while our circumstances are different, I share a taste of what you feel. I've always compared myself and felt compared to my twin. She is thinner, tanner, more outgoing, pretty...she is now married, recently bought a beautiful house and bought an adorable dog, she's an elementary teacher. Many of my other cousins are married and are starting to have kids as well.

Now, I've gotten much better about feeling insecure around my sister (and I do love and adore her), but my family reunion this weekend, I just felt...I don't know. I'm starting to cry just typing this, just my feelings from those past few days finally being realized as I respond, but honestly I felt not-enough again. I'm not anywhere close to getting married. I don't have a particularly interesting job, and the job I'm applying for where I'm moving isn't what I ever thought I'd be doing and I have no idea if I'll like it. I don't have a house. I feel/felt boring and unspecial and ugly as a person. My experience in South Dakota made me feel like a failure for a long time, and it still sometimes does. I'm not outgoing. I know my family loves me, but I hate that feeling. And I know those feelings are not from God. Christ would never tell me that. Yet in my mind, I view them as truth, and it's a struggle, it's a darn hard struggle, to listen to Christ instead of the lies inside me.

And then I think....what if I get married, or had a house, or had an interesting job? What then? Why would I be a more "special" person having done/been certain things? Because really, those things don't define me and if they are that important to other people, then they don't care about my heart. Shouldn't I boast in Christ no matter what my circumstances?

Gosh, I'm sobbing now. This was the tipping point of my internal stress-bottle I guess, ha. I didn't mean to make that all about me. My point is...I get you. I feel for you. Don't listen to the lies, as hard as it is. Christ has made us free. We are free to be "just a ______" (job title) in Him. We are free to be different from our parents and our siblings and our family. We are free to have peace in Him.
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Rachel, what is it with you CC girls wanting to make me choke up?
Anyway, I hurt for you. I really do. I don't want to knock your words and your emotions, you've shared them honestly and beautifully. Sometimes life is tough, sometimes it looks grim, sometimes it looks like we're going nowhere, fast. Sometimes we look to others instead of God, sometimes we compare ourselves with others and don't see ourselves as God sees us. Sometimes life seems boring or unfair and sometimes it is. But remember this. Trite as it may sound, it's true. Life is a journey. There are mountains and valleys, there are dull and exciting moments, there are moments of doubts and fears and truth and confidence. There is great struggle, there is great victory. This is normal. I pray that you come to realise the amazing woman of God that you are. I pray that you come to see and believe what it truly means to be made in the image of your Creator. I pray that you can look to Christ first and that He will honour you when you step out in faith. I pray that you will discover the desires of your heart and that, in time, they're fulfilled - God willing. You're my dear sister and I care deeply about you. The man who wins your heart, will be a very lucky man, indeed. I mean that, Rachel. I really do. Young, godly men (American or otherwise) would do wisely to pursue you. There, I said it. Believe it. :)
 
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I hate decisions. Should I go back to school? College to be a health care aide or wait a year and get into a veterinarian assistant 2 year course. Do I really want to wipe butts, change bed pans, etc for years to come? No no, I don't. But it's a 20 week course with no waiting list. I cannot remain at my job and I am not getting a manager position. There is no reason to stay at such a low wage. I really wish I knew what to do. I took a risk going to the Christian university, went in with blind faith. Even though it has benefited me in many ways, it provided no job and debt. I feel like I made the wrong decision and I don't want to mess up again. So there's pressure, I wish this was easier.
 
I hope you guys are enjoying the Once Upon A Time thread, I am! Its great seeing all the creative and clever minds coming together to write a story about each other :)
 
I found a bird's nest that had been abandoned by the parents. The eggs were still inside... they were a cream color with brown speckles. It looked like three of them were infertile, but one had hatched partway and then died. The tiny baby bird was there, all dried up, still sitting in its half-shell.

When I looked closer, I saw that the birds had used some of my hair to build the nest. They must have found strands of it randomly in the yard, and actually paid enough attention to see it there, pick it up, and put it in their nest. I never really thought of my hair making good nesting material before. It probably took them a long time to gather it up, and I thought later that if I had known, I could have pulled some out of my hairbrush and left it outside for them.

It's just kind of interesting how one thing's trash is another thing's treasure, how I'm inside aggravated by loose hair strands falling out and getting everywhere, and outside there's a little bird carefully picking them up and placing them in its nest like some sort of treasured nesting material.

P.S. Life is kind of weird sometimes.
 
PopClick said:
I found a bird's nest that had been abandoned by the parents. The eggs were still inside... they were a cream color with brown speckles. It looked like three of them were infertile, but one had hatched partway and then died. The tiny baby bird was there, all dried up, still sitting in its half-shell.

When I looked closer, I saw that the birds had used some of my hair to build the nest. They must have found strands of it randomly in the yard, and actually paid enough attention to see it there, pick it up, and put it in their nest. I never really thought of my hair making good nesting material before. It probably took them a long time to gather it up, and I thought later that if I had known, I could have pulled some out of my hairbrush and left it outside for them.

It's just kind of interesting how one thing's trash is another thing's treasure, how I'm inside aggravated by loose hair strands falling out and getting everywhere, and outside there's a little bird carefully picking them up and placing them in its nest like some sort of treasured nesting material.

P.S. Life is kind of weird sometimes.
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Awww that's sweet, a little gross but sweet. Hope they'll be okay even though they were abandoned
 
persNickety said:
We're still far from over. There are so many more Regular CCers to add into it. I have a feeling it will be a LONG time until Pipp and MisCriss get out of the forest haha
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I'm a little surprised I haven't popped up somewhere yet. :p As you said, though. It's far from over haha!!
 
Dear God,

My turkey is pretty torqued today. I feel like you keep shaking up my whole world, I guess I'd compare this feeling to what it might be like to live inside a kaleidoscope. I don't know what's real and what's mere illusion. I don't want to keep being spun around. I would gladly give up all the pretty colors just to have some kind of stability.

Lord, nothing makes sense right now. Nothing has made sense for a reeeeally long time. I don't understand Your ways, but I'm trying to believe that You've got this under control. It's particularly difficult to do when I feel so completely OUT of control. You've brought me to my knees so many times in the last few months...

I've been a complete lunatic in front of total strangers- You've stripped me of my pride.
I've wrenched my heart back from those who didn't want it anyway- You've got it to yourself now.
I've handed over my own and my children's lives for you to guide and protect- You've kept me completely off balance ever since.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know what You want. What am I holding back from You? Take it! Whatever it is, it's yours...just please...I've had enough.
 
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persNickety said:
I hope you guys are enjoying the Once Upon A Time thread, I am! Its great seeing all the creative and clever minds coming together to write a story about each other :)
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I'm enjoying the story very much! Sorry I haven't contributed, yet but I will soon.
 
Yay have to wake in 3 hours for work and still can't fall asleep. I hate nights like these
 
Dear Lord, you know what I need to start applying for my visa. I know you can make it possible. I trust you will make it possible, please Lord, make this happen for me. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
 
Weather: Sunshiny

Outlook: Coffee cup half full

Disposition: Also sunshiny

Currently on my mind:
I think a couple people got the impression from my thread yesterday that I have plans to go back to my ex just because I really believe he's changing this time. I'd like to clear that up- I am not about to uproot my whole life again without proof of a real, lasting change. I've gotten past most of the anger about the timing of this, and I'm happy that he seems to be trying to get his ducks in a row.

But I can't erase from my memory nearly 10 years' worth of...well, everything that happened. Forgive him? Working on it. Go back there without proof that it would be different? No. Besides, quite apart from the fact that I don't want to, he didn't ask.

In other news: I tried...to paint a fairy. Because of the wings, mainly. I thought it would be pretty. However...TRAIN WRECK. I dunno, I really just want to paint over it, but I feel like I should at least finish it first. Gosh I can't wait to take an art class and actually have some idea what I'm doing.
 
Ok Coke. The only thing that wakes me up in tired mornings. When coffee doesn't work, there coca-cola as my back up.
 
persNickety said:
I hate decisions. Should I go back to school? College to be a health care aide or wait a year and get into a veterinarian assistant 2 year course. Do I really want to wipe butts, change bed pans, etc for years to come? No no, I don't. But it's a 20 week course with no waiting list. I cannot remain at my job and I am not getting a manager position. There is no reason to stay at such a low wage. I really wish I knew what to do. I took a risk going to the Christian university, went in with blind faith. Even though it has benefited me in many ways, it provided no job and debt. I feel like I made the wrong decision and I don't want to mess up again. So there's pressure, I wish this was easier.
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I have had my regrets also. As yourself, I am at a crossroad in my life and the pressure is great. There is not much "easier" in this life.

"Once Upon A Time I had a life but then the wheels came off the bus. It crashed through a guardrail and flipped over many times down the embankment. When the smoke cleared the bus looked like a Tonka toy the Jolly Green Giant stepped on just for laughs. Among the survivors were..."
 
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