Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

[Arlene89]

I just came back from my Wednesday night church group meeting thing (Still don't know if we have a name for it, sure we do). When it finished and we were all chatting, the lead pastor from my church approached me and said, "You're playing this Sunday morning." I looked at him puzzled, since I only play my violin once a month during the night sessions. He just repeated himself plainly. I then turned to my worship leader who jumped for joy and became giddy. I just nodded and said, "Um.... sure. Okay".

My worship leader asked me awhile ago to play for the main service but I pleaded with her to let me do this at my own pace because it was quite overwhelming for me. For the past 7 years I have sheltered my violin playing to myself, and in only the past 2 years have a dedicated it to worship and to glorify the Lord... in my bedroom... by myself. Then not long ago, I humbled myself before her and said I was being silly, and that as I have come under her leadership, I will play when and where as she sees right. But since she understood how much of a leap this was for me, she has given me space and time.

But during the Sunday session that just passed, I did surrender a lot of fear and just let loose. In a sense, I was consciously playing in a way that complimented the other instruments and vocalists, but at the same time played like it was just me and God and I was playing solely for Him in that Father/daughter alone time. So, now I will be playing my violin a lot more regularly now. SCARY. And yet so wonderful! I really hope God can touch others through my playing like He has touched me when I am in that quiet place, playing my melodies to Him.

 

[ww_21]

I've been feeling spiritually distracted lately. I want to talk to God... but I just don't feel connected to him anymore.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

I've been feeling spiritually distracted lately. I want to talk to God... but I just don't feel connected to him anymore.

Such times are difficult. Always remember that He is there no matter how you feel. He is not dependent on your feelings,
as long as you keep seeking Him.


Maybe try talking in a different way? I don't know what you normally do, but trying doing the opposite. If you pray on your knees, try praying while going for a walk, or the other way around. maybe it helps to just change the settings, to help "focus"

 

[Tintin]

I just came back from my Wednesday night church group meeting thing (Still don't know if we have a name for it, sure we do). When it finished and we were all chatting, the lead pastor from my church approached me and said, "You're playing this Sunday morning." I looked at him puzzled, since I only play my violin once a month during the night sessions. He just repeated himself plainly. I then turned to my worship leader who jumped for joy and became giddy. I just nodded and said, "Um.... sure. Okay".

My worship leader asked me awhile ago to play for the main service but I pleaded with her to let me do this at my own pace because it was quite overwhelming for me. For the past 7 years I have sheltered my violin playing to myself, and in only the past 2 years have a dedicated it to worship and to glorify the Lord... in my bedroom... by myself. Then not long ago, I humbled myself before her and said I was being silly, and that as I have come under her leadership, I will play when and where as she sees right. But since she understood how much of a leap this was for me, she has given me space and time.

But during the Sunday session that just passed, I did surrender a lot of fear and just let loose. In a sense, I was consciously playing in a way that complimented the other instruments and vocalists, but at the same time played like it was just me and God and I was playing solely for Him in that Father/daughter alone time. So, now I will be playing my violin a lot more regularly now. SCARY. And yet so wonderful! I really hope God can touch others through my playing like He has touched me when I am in that quiet place, playing my melodies to Him.

Woah. That's intense! I hope that you're allowed to do it at your own pace. Let the pastor know if it's too much. I'll be praying for you, Arlene. Of course I will!

 

[MissCris]

Dreams are super strange. Even the ones that aren't strange are pretty wild. Just the fact that we dream at all...trippy.

I had a dream as I was falling asleep that I was trying to text someone, but that I kept drifting in and out and my fingers kept falling to rest on different buttons until the message was a jumbled mess of autocorrected words and words so mixed up even autocorrect was like..."you're on your own with that". And there were invisible moths between the window and the blinds and I could hear their wings humming, and they kept getting bigger until I woke up just enough to realize I really was trying to send a text, but I was gone again before I could press send. And the moths were there, huge and dusty and visible now, and I told them they had to leave, get out...and I woke myself up actually saying the words and noticed I'd hit 'send' on something that made no sense. I was mildly concerned that a text like that could really irritate a person, but was out cold before I could apologize.

I dreamed of a satin and lace ball gown. Deep plum colored satin trimmed with slightly yellowed lace...my dream self was reminded of something Melanie Wilkes wore. I wanted that dress, with its enormous ruffled skirt and the pair of cream colored ballet slippers that went with it. But I couldn't even touch it, it kept getting further away...

I was suddenly picking strawberries with my mom, and she was explaining that we had to leave the best ones for the garden gnome. "He's over there breathing, can't you hear that?" I told her no, but she wasn't there; it was just me and dying, rotting strawberries, and a dark cloud that rained in sheets of gray, until finally my grandmother was there, wearing the ball gown, and helping me get up. "For goodness sake, Cris, don't you want to come in and get warm? You're muddy. Up you get..." And her wrinkled hand was soft, and I walked with her into my mom's house, but she and everything else melted into a wide open field. When I saw the tornado touch down, I woke up shivering.

There was a moth on the wall next to my bed. I knocked it senseless with a flick of my fingers and picked my pillow and blankets up off the floor.

I think I prefer having no recollection of what my mind creates in my sleep.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

wow. That's some dream- mix

 

[DuchessAimee]

I wonder when my emotions are going to even back out?

People have started avoiding me. I can't tell if it's because they have no idea what might come out of my mouth, or if it's the divorce stench that's driving them off.

I think I'm ok. I mean...I am, I just sort of want to kick stuff right now.

The anger...that's fun and productive. It gets me to wash the dishes when I otherwise might not, anyway.

I dunno. I had a fun day, but then the kids went to bed and I started another painting and the only sounds here are the fans running constantly and I just...I don't want to bug people, especially right now when I know I'd just be weird and annoying, but ohmygoodness I wish there was someone to talk to. Wonderful conversationalist that I am (that's not even true, I'm awkward and my brain shuts down when I talk), I'm bored with myself. I've already heard all my stories. In fact, I was even There for some of them.

Back to painting. I did make myself almost sort of laugh...that'll do for now.

People avoid others who are working through their emotions for a lot of reasons.


1) They don't know what to say to you to "fix" it. We as humans want instant, and when we can't produce it, we panic. So they listen, empathize/sympathize, realize they can't do anything, and back off. STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY CAN FIX YOU. People who think they can fix you are VERY dangerous. They want to create a little version of themselves in you. They claim they're helping you deal with it, but if you give them a foothold, you'll eventually see how unhealthy they are.

2) Most people aren't natural counselors (even though some people think they are). They give awful counsel, and they lack biblical wisdom. They have no good idea what to tell you, and they don't know how to process your emotions along with their own.

3) When you talk about your emotions, they then are prompted to look at themselves... and they don't like it. Most people are happy to live in denial (aka ignorance is bliss), and when you say, "I'm so angry because..." or "I'm lonely", etc, they're reminded of their own pushed down emotions. In a way, you're forcing them to look into their own emotional mirror, so they stay away.

4) People have their own crap to deal with, so they stay away from people they view as "intense". Here's the thing, darlin... you're looking for people who have similar baggage and who are working through it. Stay away from people who have the same baggage but are content with where they're at. It's not worth staying in the same painful place so that you have people around.

To be honest, you're a mess. You're in pain and you've got a volcano inside you spewing emotion, drama, and turmoil every few minutes. AND THAT'S WONDERFUL.


Yep, I said it's wonderful.


*thinks about a volcano metaphor and fails*



Okay, I'm better with medical metaphors. You have a huge, gaping, painful infection. It has derbies in it, pus, and it hurts like hell. So it needs to be cleaned out, right? It can't be cleaned out all at once because it would be too painful, so you take it bit by bit, dealing with the pain as best you can. Along with a massive infection you get antibiotics. Broad spectrum, to be specific. Broad spectrum means that it targets just about everything, because you know there are other infected places within you. Eventually, if you take your drugs and continue to clean out the wound, you heal. You'll be seriously scarred, but you'll be healed. The antibiotics is Jesus, talking stuff out, church, changing how you think about yourself, and learning a new way of coping.



You're going to have to do a lot of work and go through a very painful process, but Cristen, YOU'RE WORTH IT.

 

[MissCris]

Aimee-
The volcano metaphor works pretty well. I've been kind of dormant for a long time, and then when conditions were just right...BOOM. Fire and ashes and people running and screaming and all that.

BOOM. Yeah, that's what happened.

But I agree with you- It IS like an infection. It's been getting better, ish. Sometimes. I think.

 

[Rush]

MissCris, I just finished reading the last 5 pages of this thread and my heart hurts for you. I love the moments of resolve I see and feel through it them, especially in the poem you wrote. That you are still standing is amazing. That you are not only standing but standing in the Lord is so beautiful. I respect you so much

Being alone but being unable to stand the isolation is the pits.
I don't have any magic to offer, I wish I did but I'm just a regular brother in Christ. But I just wanted to say my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wee ones all.

I also wanted to encourage you in your creativity. My phone doesn't let me see the art work you did for your kids, but I'm sure it's the diggity, but your command of language to portray emotion is amazing. I'd encourage you to keep at it and use it as an outlet. Both creatively but also in your aloneness. Writing letters of prayer might be a way for you to express yourself more in your new found love of your relationship with our God
Much brotherly love, prayers and more brotherly love.

Rush

 

[Nautilus]

Dreams are super strange. Even the ones that aren't strange are pretty wild. Just the fact that we dream at all...trippy.

I had a dream as I was falling asleep that I was trying to text someone, but that I kept drifting in and out and my fingers kept falling to rest on different buttons until the message was a jumbled mess of autocorrected words and words so mixed up even autocorrect was like..."you're on your own with that". And there were invisible moths between the window and the blinds and I could hear their wings humming, and they kept getting bigger until I woke up just enough to realize I really was trying to send a text, but I was gone again before I could press send. And the moths were there, huge and dusty and visible now, and I told them they had to leave, get out...and I woke myself up actually saying the words and noticed I'd hit 'send' on something that made no sense. I was mildly concerned that a text like that could really irritate a person, but was out cold before I could apologize.

I dreamed of a satin and lace ball gown. Deep plum colored satin trimmed with slightly yellowed lace...my dream self was reminded of something Melanie Wilkes wore. I wanted that dress, with its enormous ruffled skirt and the pair of cream colored ballet slippers that went with it. But I couldn't even touch it, it kept getting further away...

I was suddenly picking strawberries with my mom, and she was explaining that we had to leave the best ones for the garden gnome. "He's over there breathing, can't you hear that?" I told her no, but she wasn't there; it was just me and dying, rotting strawberries, and a dark cloud that rained in sheets of gray, until finally my grandmother was there, wearing the ball gown, and helping me get up. "For goodness sake, Cris, don't you want to come in and get warm? You're muddy. Up you get..." And her wrinkled hand was soft, and I walked with her into my mom's house, but she and everything else melted into a wide open field. When I saw the tornado touch down, I woke up shivering.

There was a moth on the wall next to my bed. I knocked it senseless with a flick of my fingers and picked my pillow and blankets up off the floor.

I think I prefer having no recollection of what my mind creates in my sleep.

my dreams are lik e70/30 nightmares/normal dreams. Well I imagine they'd be nightmares to most other people but Ive gotten used to them at this point. Though they always do tend to be extremely vivid, which i enjoy.

 

[MissCris]

My stupid phone isn't letting me reply with quotes. *sigh*

Rush- Thank you The ability to write anything coherent kind of waxes and wanes with me. I feel grateful right now that I can get any words I string together to make sense...it's definitely helped, getting some of this toxic stuff out. I feel a little bad that I keep pouring it out here, but then again, it's also been very comforting to have people acknowledge what I say and feel...anyway, your prayers are greatly appreciated

Nautilus- boo to nightmares I used to have a lot of them, to where sleeping in the dark was a no-go. Now though, I have a lot more just...I dunno, like the dreams I described here. Very vivid, which I agree is cool, but then I wake up and the dream lingers and I feel completely off for a while. I would almost rather not dream at all than have dreams I can't shake off.

 

[Ugly]

Dreams are super strange. Even the ones that aren't strange are pretty wild. Just the fact that we dream at all...trippy.

I had a dream as I was falling asleep that I was trying to text someone, but that I kept drifting in and out and my fingers kept falling to rest on different buttons until the message was a jumbled mess of autocorrected words and words so mixed up even autocorrect was like..."you're on your own with that". And there were invisible moths between the window and the blinds and I could hear their wings humming, and they kept getting bigger until I woke up just enough to realize I really was trying to send a text, but I was gone again before I could press send. And the moths were there, huge and dusty and visible now, and I told them they had to leave, get out...and I woke myself up actually saying the words and noticed I'd hit 'send' on something that made no sense. I was mildly concerned that a text like that could really irritate a person, but was out cold before I could apologize.

Was his or her name 'Bobbi'?

 

[MissCris]

Was his or her name 'Bobbi'?

That's a very real possibility.

Oh hey, I can quote again!

I need ever a nap.<---really, autocorrect? IT WAS FINE without adding a word.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Dreams are super strange. Even the ones that aren't strange are pretty wild. Just the fact that we dream at all...trippy.

I had a dream as I was falling asleep that I was trying to text someone, but that I kept drifting in and out and my fingers kept falling to rest on different buttons until the message was a jumbled mess of autocorrected words and words so mixed up even autocorrect was like..."you're on your own with that". And there were invisible moths between the window and the blinds and I could hear their wings humming, and they kept getting bigger until I woke up just enough to realize I really was trying to send a text, but I was gone again before I could press send. And the moths were there, huge and dusty and visible now, and I told them they had to leave, get out...and I woke myself up actually saying the words and noticed I'd hit 'send' on something that made no sense. I was mildly concerned that a text like that could really irritate a person, but was out cold before I could apologize.

I dreamed of a satin and lace ball gown. Deep plum colored satin trimmed with slightly yellowed lace...my dream self was reminded of something Melanie Wilkes wore. I wanted that dress, with its enormous ruffled skirt and the pair of cream colored ballet slippers that went with it. But I couldn't even touch it, it kept getting further away...

I was suddenly picking strawberries with my mom, and she was explaining that we had to leave the best ones for the garden gnome. "He's over there breathing, can't you hear that?" I told her no, but she wasn't there; it was just me and dying, rotting strawberries, and a dark cloud that rained in sheets of gray, until finally my grandmother was there, wearing the ball gown, and helping me get up. "For goodness sake, Cris, don't you want to come in and get warm? You're muddy. Up you get..." And her wrinkled hand was soft, and I walked with her into my mom's house, but she and everything else melted into a wide open field. When I saw the tornado touch down, I woke up shivering.

There was a moth on the wall next to my bed. I knocked it senseless with a flick of my fingers and picked my pillow and blankets up off the floor.

I think I prefer having no recollection of what my mind creates in my sleep.

Wow. I have often had such dreams when I go to bed with a bad swing.

Most of my dreams are layered. As in, there is always a dream within a dream. It's very much like the movie Inception, only that these are really my dreams. So this one time (about a couple of weeks ago), I had one dream. I dreamt that I was standing at a place which looked like a field. I was standing there with people whom I could recognise in the dream but not in real life. They were working on the field and I was standing there and watching them.

As I stood there and watched them, I fell asleep. And I began to dream a sub-dream. In the sub-dream, I am in a place which looked like a library. I am staring at an open book which has something written on its pages. I cannot make out the script but I can understand that it was written about me. The light is dim and the place looks ancient. I am trying to make out the text in the book when all of a sudden there is a leech which falls on the book. I try to pick it up and throw it out when another one falls on the book. Then another. And another. And then 10 more. Then 20 more. Suddenly there are so many leeches falling all over the place.

My dream then pans out and I am at level 1. I suddenly look like I am seeing that last scene of level 2 printed on a photograph. There are leeches crawling all over that photograph. Then I wake up with a jolt and I realise I had dreamt two dreams within each other. Such complicated dreams happen to me quite frequently. I have noticed that whenever I am in a melancholic phase or a depression swing, these dreams occur more frequently. I have one dream ever 1 or 2 months.

I don't know but I am curious to know if you get these dreams when you are in a bad swing. I have tried explaining the dreams to a few close friends but after the beginning of the 2nd layer they just can't get the dream itself. So I have always thought that such things happen to only special people with special stores.

 

[gypsygirl]

yesterday when i met my new sort-of-boss (i work for myself) he said to me, "i didn't know we had an amazon working for us" which just made me laugh. out of fairness, i WAS wearing like 4"+ platforms, and close to 6'.

now he's referring to me as "the amazon" instead of my name. and he thinks it's cute or something.

in a sales meeting, YO.

sometimes i don't understand people. i flew 600 miles to help you and do work, not be the unfortunate recipient of your playground antics.

 

[Fenner]

Dreams are super strange. Even the ones that aren't strange are pretty wild. Just the fact that we dream at all...trippy.

I had a dream as I was falling asleep that I was trying to text someone, but that I kept drifting in and out and my fingers kept falling to rest on different buttons until the message was a jumbled mess of autocorrected words and words so mixed up even autocorrect was like..."you're on your own with that". And there were invisible moths between the window and the blinds and I could hear their wings humming, and they kept getting bigger until I woke up just enough to realize I really was trying to send a text, but I was gone again before I could press send. And the moths were there, huge and dusty and visible now, and I told them they had to leave, get out...and I woke myself up actually saying the words and noticed I'd hit 'send' on something that made no sense. I was mildly concerned that a text like that could really irritate a person, but was out cold before I could apologize.

I dreamed of a satin and lace ball gown. Deep plum colored satin trimmed with slightly yellowed lace...my dream self was reminded of something Melanie Wilkes wore. I wanted that dress, with its enormous ruffled skirt and the pair of cream colored ballet slippers that went with it. But I couldn't even touch it, it kept getting further away...

I was suddenly picking strawberries with my mom, and she was explaining that we had to leave the best ones for the garden gnome. "He's over there breathing, can't you hear that?" I told her no, but she wasn't there; it was just me and dying, rotting strawberries, and a dark cloud that rained in sheets of gray, until finally my grandmother was there, wearing the ball gown, and helping me get up. "For goodness sake, Cris, don't you want to come in and get warm? You're muddy. Up you get..." And her wrinkled hand was soft, and I walked with her into my mom's house, but she and everything else melted into a wide open field. When I saw the tornado touch down, I woke up shivering.

There was a moth on the wall next to my bed. I knocked it senseless with a flick of my fingers and picked my pillow and blankets up off the floor.

I think I prefer having no recollection of what my mind creates in my sleep.

I know this was a dream, but it was like reading a book. You ought to consider that. I have no idea what you do once you write one, but I think you should give it a shot.

I had an odd dream that my husband and I weren't married yet and I married the guy I dated before I started dating him. It was a very odd marriage, like our brief relationship. He wanted to go out all the time and I didn't. He ignored me and it bothered me that I couldn't get him to spend alone time with me, always with friends or at a bar. Also we lived in his parents house. So we weren't married that long and I left. I went to my Mom's house. I found my husband and told him what happened. He was mad at my dream Husband. Then I asked him if we were ever going to get married and he said, you know. Then I woke up. It was really weird.

I told him about my dream, he said, I'm not going anywhere, I like you to much. Ahh how sweet, lol.

 

[secularhermit]

yesterday when i met my new sort-of-boss (i work for myself) he said to me, "i didn't know we had an amazon working for us" which just made me laugh. out of fairness, i WAS wearing like 4"+ platforms, and close to 6'.

now he's referring to me as "the amazon" instead of my name. and he thinks it's cute or something.

in a sales meeting, YO.

sometimes i don't understand people. i flew 600 miles to help you and do work, not be the unfortunate recipient of your playground antics.

Just adding nothing to it.

Girls and women wearing boots look nice-looking and, if you are taller than he is (a thing I assumed) that´s why he is jealous.

 

[Fenner]

Aimee-
The volcano metaphor works pretty well. I've been kind of dormant for a long time, and then when conditions were just right...BOOM. Fire and ashes and people running and screaming and all that.

BOOM. Yeah, that's what happened.

But I agree with you- It IS like an infection. It's been getting better, ish. Sometimes. I think.

Regarding your post about friends distancing themselves. Then I read Aimee's response, then I thought of my own situation with my best friend who split with her husband last year. Last year on their anniversary she was really upset. I listened to her and really didn't say much. I did say, I feel like a dope, I don't want to say anything cliche to you, or anything that would make things worse. She said, then don't say anything cliche and just listen, because that's what I need. So that's what I do.

 

[kenthomas27]

yesterday when i met my new sort-of-boss (i work for myself) he said to me, "i didn't know we had an amazon working for us" which just made me laugh. out of fairness, i WAS wearing like 4"+ platforms, and close to 6'.

now he's referring to me as "the amazon" instead of my name. and he thinks it's cute or something.

in a sales meeting, YO.

sometimes i don't understand people. i flew 600 miles to help you and do work, not be the unfortunate recipient of your playground antics.

No worries! We should pray for the guy for his insecurities with...... size.

 

[Immawildthing]

I can't believe I'm getting married next month! Its too close and yet so very far away...
Y'all may have a different opinion, but I'm marrying the best man on planet earth! Best man for me
I can't wait to be with him for the rest of my life, he's wonderful!

Its only next month though, time needs to go a little slower. But it needs to go faster at the same time! Part of me thinks I'm not ready for this (whoever tells you they are ready to get married is either sadly mistaken or lying, nobody is ever truly ready). Part of me can't wait.
All in all, I'm glad I met him. I love him!!