Aww, I'm so sorry MissCris. I will pray for u guys. I can't even imagine what you all must be going through. God bless you and your kiddies.Super fun when both kiddos wake up crying at once....poor things, all lost and sleepy and scared.
Dang...I was sleeping so good, though.
I will pray for you and yours too.Thank you both. <3
I don't know what it is with me lately; one day I'm strong and on top of the world, feeling like no matter what happens now, I've got this. Knowing that God has things under control, that He is with me, that He will get me through this.
And then there are days like today, when I feel totally alone and long to be able to hide under my ginormous, fluffy blanket and pretend I don't exist.
All of my thoughts and feelings are at war with each other...
I want to prove to everyone that I'm fine, more than fine, that I'm starting my new life and that I'm happy to be on my own. I want people to regret every moment that they don't get to be a part of my life. I want to be able to stand with my head held high and say "I'm better off now and you're missing out"...
And at the same time, I don't want that at all. At the same time, I want to let them all see the weakness, the fear, the hurt and rejection, and let someone comfort me. Let someone rescue me.
And yet again at the same time, I want to be ok so everyone else is ok. I want to know how to love everyone the right way, the way I should have all this time, instead of in my own selfish ways. I want to be their comfort and strength even though I feel so empty myself.
My pride is battling my heart.
There's all kinds of confusion going on up in here.
So um...to avoid any assumptions or misunderstanding...my previous post has nothing to do with...yesterday. That stuff. I realized belatedly...um, stuff...and things...oh boy. I'll just shuffle on out of here now...
It's ok MissCris - few of us connect the dots. Most of us are too self-absorbed for that. You know tho, the thread the other day about the story of the eye of the needle and Jesus telling us that it's easier for us to slip through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God comes to mind. This turmoil - this strife we all put ourselves through.... oh God, it was so painful reading AprilAngel and her pleas for ....what? Compassion? Understanding? Forgivness? And it seems we carry these heavy BURDENS like a bag of hammers, dragging them through rocky fields and getting caught and wedged at every step and I'D LIKE TO SCREAM THIS IS WHAT JESUS TOLD THAT MAN! He told that man in Matthew 19 to give up what he had and to follow Him. We make all these speculations that this was about the rich man but it's NOT. It's about us! It's about what we CARRY WITH US. Is our money heavier than our remorse? Would we give money to free ourselves from grief or strife or remorse or the burdens or MissCris turmoil in her heart? We all WANT to enter the Kingdom of God, but what did Jesus say? Where did Christ say the Kingdom of God was but right HERE, but that in order to enter that Kingdom we would need to unburden ourselves. It's only when we stand before God as NOTHING, free of the things we think we need and free of the bag of hammers and free from the knives we use to cut that we become small enough to pass through the eye of the needle.
Wow how AprilAngel's message was hard to read and made me hurt and how I can't respond and don't have the words and am nothing and no help.
I have just woken up from a glorious nap during which I got to hide under my ginormous fluffy blanket and wallow just a tiny lit bit before drifting off into the best sleep I've had for a week. I feel fantastic, and I haven't even had any coffee yet.
As for my threads...aw, thanks Rainebuuuut that's a pretty high pressure job : p
Well hello, mood swings...it's been a while since we've hung out. This should be fun.
Today, I lost a very important person that I took for granted on many occasions. I'm filled with remorse and regret for the decisions I made as well as the choices I did not make.
it's too late to change things now, and I'm stuck with the current reality facing me.. I'm asking myself why I was so blind, why I did not see the value and importance of this person sooner. It's too late now... they're gone. And I'm left alone to wonder why I did the things I did, why I wasn't able to see past my foolish pride. Why didn't I act with more caution.
Guess I'll never know.
And there is my random thought for the night.
Life's a game made for everyone, and love is a prize. Me thinks i'm prize less.
I have really got to learn to just shush sometimes. And leave things alone. And people. Perceptive as I claim to be, you'd think I could tell when someone doesn't want to talk to me.
I'm sort of a pro at humiliating myself. Yay me...
*This Cristen will self-destruct in 10...9...8...*
I'm pretty sure I won't make a lot of sense here because I'm kinda falling asleep and also my phone hates me. I already don't know what I'm talking about.
Im kind of a wreck. I'm kind of sure it's completely obvious that I'm a wreck. And that I'm ten different kinds of lonely and did I mention the part about being a wreck? Like a train wreck. Or something. I'm not handling life very well and I'm posting stupid crap all the time because I'm lonely and I've never been alone before and if I wasn't a Christian, if I didn't have my babies to take care of, I'd never get out of my bed unless it was to pour a drink and forget things. Which is really weird because I don't even drink.
I keep trying to pretend I'm fine and I'm just not. I keep smiling when I don't feel like it and I keep turning to God for...anything...and I know He's there, I know He's listening, He's been calling me to come back to him and now I've done it He's suddenly gone deaf.
I know that's not true.
I know I'm being impatient.
I want to be ok NOW, but maybe there's a reason I shouldn't be. Or can't be. I don't know.
I'm not strong enough for all of this, for all the change, for the divorce and the loss of everything I knew and the sudden end to every future I could see.
Every time I've started to get back up, I trip over my own stupid clumsy feet and land on my face again and it's exhausting. I feel like if I hear "trust God" one more time my head will explode. I do trust God. That doesn't stop me from being human and feeling horrible right now. Maybe He will see fit to comfort me eventually, or show me somehow what the point was, help me understand all of this...but it's not happening right now, and I don't know how to...cope. Keep doing this. Keep smiling. Keep stretching further.
I'm tired, and I'm angry, and I hurt, and I just want relief, a break, help, anything.
Im totally being a whiner. I don't know where my apostrophes keep running off to. I think I'll borrow my son's teddy bear and try to enjoy oblivion for a while before finding out what new crap I'll have to face tomorrow. I don't know why God is pushing me so hard...there's surely a reason...isn't there?
I'm better...ish. I dunno. I won't be freaking people out with anymore sleepy emotional episodes, anyway. Maybe.
I'm entering the day...wary. Like when you walk into a haunted house and know that something is about to jump out at you, but you're not sure exactly what.
Whatever it turns out to be today, I just hope I don't scream like a little girl.
...coffeeeeeee...
Thanks Jen![]()
It definitely helps to have a place to let it out, even if people here start to think I'm a raving lunatic.